Hope66's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic, Decimal Rocket & Sceal, Thank you all for replying to me here and I've appreciated what you have each said very much.  I found it a stressful time - over the Easter weekend - and I returned here from time to time to read things in the forum, and I saw what you had each written, and I would like to hug you all  if that's ok. 

Blueberry - thank you for mentioning about self-care - I tried to heed that and it did help.
SanMagic - yes, I am more in touch with anger - it's a new thing to feel it - and sometimes I feel as if I'm 'gushing it out' if that makes sense.  As if I'm not in control of myself - but when I think about that, I think - I am rarely out of control, there's a greater part that keeps me in check.  Thank you for the love and warm hug - 
Decimal Rocket - I really relate to what you're saying about 'Monsters in the dark' and how we can be so afraid, when we're children, and especially when there's noone to soothe us.  Infact, I relate so much to that, that I'm going to write about an experience I had in another part of the forum, as my 'little Hope' wants me to write about that for her - and I will do - but thank you for triggering the wish to write about it, as I do think it would help me to write about it. 
Sceal - your words touched me emotionally - and I want to reciprocate what you said, with a gentle hug  and also my thanks to you.    I definitely relate to what you said about having a voice, and how it then makes it harder to go back to being quieter, because those thoughts and feelings and everything wants to come out and see the light of day, and enjoy being in the arena of kindness and validation - it is such a precious thing.  I think we have been locked up for too long - when we've not felt able to talk about things in a safe place.  Thank you for everything you said.   I've also thought about asking my partner about what he meant when he said that things could be 'about me' - but I haven't felt able to ask him - because I'm partly a bit scared that he might suggest that there's a narcissistic element there - I don't think there is, but at the same time, I don't think my ego could cope with the thought/implication that it could be there - which in itself then worries me, that maybe it 'is' there - anyway, I am not brave enough to ask him.  I 'think' that he meant that I might believe that someone would be thinking about me, when infact they are more likely to be considering their own needs and thoughts - which is probably more true in most situations 'in real life' - i.e. maybe people are more caught up in their daily lives to think about how someone is feeling or thinking.  Whereas in this forum, maybe we are more sensitive generally and therefore maybe we're more likely to think of others - rather than ourselves.  Or maybe it's my tendency to have grown up as someone who has been a 'fawner' - in terms of trying to meet my NM's needs, because she's needed me to do that for her, to the detriment of my own needs and feelings and thoughts.  I don't know.  But thank you for the reflections you shared, as they helped me very much, and I hope that you have had a weekend that was ok.  I also think about you, and indeed, many many people here in the forum.  (SanMagic - that obsessive thing reared its head just at that moment, but I won't name everyone!)...

Journal Entry for 2nd April 2018
I am relieved that the weekend is finally coming to an end - it's been stressful in different ways, but I am essentially pleased that things went 'ok' - and I got through the various social things that I needed to do.  I was mindful of Blueberry's suggestions about ensuring 'self-care' and I tried to allow myself the space and time that I needed. 

I was very touched to see such lovely replies in my diary, and I read them during the weekend too - although didn't feel I had the strength to reply until today.  I have relied on doing 'dot-to-dots' to calm my mind, when I've needed to.  I have also been doing the 'meditation circle' that Janina Fisher recommends in her book, which is helpful to connecting with my inner/wounded parts, and trying to help answer their worries and concerns, so that I am not over-whelmed at other times.  I think it is helping, but it's a difficult process.  But I think it will help as I get better at it, and also that it's a meditative process, and is calming to my mind, in the main.

Little Hope wants me to write about something, so I will do that. 

Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Hope,

I am very happy that I could help you out. And that my thoughts reached you.
I remember I was once talking to a T many years ago. He said I could do with being a bit more egosentric. I told him I couldn't, that would make me selfish and self-observed and not look to others needs. I suspect that  maybe you too feel this way? Especially in relation to fearing being a tiny bit narsissistisc? He told me in reply again that we all need to be egosentric. We need to take care of ourselves and to look to our own needs once in a while, it doesn't mean that just because we prioritize ourselves in certain matters or for a while that we are selfish and/or narsissistisc (I realise I've no idea how to spell that word correctly). It simply means that we are humans that have needs. And I think, if what he said was true, that you starting to use your voice now more than you have ever before is part of you taking care of your needs, or your little ones needs, and that it is a part of healing. Discovering things, setting boundaries, being challenged on your thoughts and discover if you can stand by your thoughts or if you must adjust your thinking (in a positive way, not unhealthy way).
Does this make sense? I hope it does, and I hope it helps.
My mind is rambling at the moment, so it's difficult to keep a straight thought in my mind. But I just wanted to share.
if it's a good time for one

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, I heard about those techniques in your thread about that book. They sound really wonderful. A nice way to bring our inner parts all together and share their worries. It's nice that the weekend is over for you. Must be a relief.

Maybe I'll check that thread you're making if I have the strength, Hope. See you. 

[Hope67]

We need to take care of ourselves and to look to our own needs once in a while, it doesn't mean that just because we prioritize ourselves in certain matters or for a while that we are selfish and/or narsissistisc (I realise I've no idea how to spell that word correctly). It simply means that we are humans that have needs. And I think, if what he said was true, that you starting to use your voice now more than you have ever before is part of you taking care of your needs, or your little ones needs, and that it is a part of healing. Discovering things, setting boundaries, being challenged on your thoughts and discover if you can stand by your thoughts or if you must adjust your thinking (in a positive way, not unhealthy way).
Does this make sense? I hope it does, and I hope it helps.

Hi Sceal - yes, it does make sense, and thank you so much for sharing that - it really helps me.    to you and thank you so much. 

Hi Decimal Rocket - yes, those techniques from that book are wonderful, and I think the opportunity to meditate and calm my inner selves - and begin to understand them, all of them - it is something I really want to pursue.    to you Decimal Rocket. 

***
Journal entry for 3rd April 2018

I feel like I've learned a few things this past couple of days, and especially thanks to writing here in the forum about my thoughts and feelings - I've learned that I dissociate so much - but even splitting my thoughts from my feelings regularly - even when writing about things - but that is most likely a protective thing, and I am going to pay more attention to the protective side - and try to pace things.

Writing about Little Hope's night-time experiences - it was a starting point, and I knew she wanted me to write about other things - but I wanted to hold back and just write about the 'safe' areas - and I'm glad I held back, because I did have a night terror last night - which was very frightening - I've written about it in my Dream diary - but the focus was fearing for my life - and a person trying to kill me.  I really thought I was going to die.  I am glad I am still alive!  I worried for my partner as I screamed very loudly and he feared he was going to have a heart attack.  He also asked me 'why now' - in terms of another night terror - as I know he was surprised by it happening now - as he said that the triggering events are 'out of the way now' (referring to some key FOO dates that have passed and then the stress of the Easter weekend etc - so maybe he hoped I'd be 'fine' now - and I feel bad because I know I'm likely to feel worse perhaps, whilst processing these things - and trying to sort myself out. 

Normally I wouldn't fear the impact on my relationship, but lately I have been feeling a bit concerned about whether my complex PTSD could end up pushing him away - or scuppering my relationship - and I feel in many ways that him being in my life has enabled me to have the strength to break away from the toxic control of my FOO - so I am a bit worried about him, but I will also acknowledge that there's a part of me that always tries to look out for the needs of others, and not myself, and so to be focusing on my own needs and those of my Little Hopes - maybe that's disconcerting me - and I relate to what Sceal said about the fear of being egocentric etc - but actually it's a normal survival thing to be egocentric - and for me to look after my own needs - maybe that's something I should have done earlier in my life - rather than been a parentified child, trying to care for my dysfunctional FOO.

Lots to think about for me at the moment. 

I also want to focus on moving past procrastination - I am procrastinating in so many arenas and areas of my life right now - I want to do some things and move forward, but I feel stuck - and I wonder how far through the FOG I actually am - I see glimpses of space and clarity from time to time, and then feel bogged down at others.  But I'll get there - I feel sure I will in the end.  I have 'hope' literally.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 4th April 2018

I have felt more triggered by a few things today, including the voluntary work I'm doing - I did a couple of hours of that today - and I felt like I was more 'triggered' than normal by a few things related to it.  It's made me wonder whether to continue with it, or whether to stop doing it. 

At the same time, it's helped me to consider 'what I want' - and how I would like to spend time - and what is meaningful to me - these things are not easy for me to consider, but the fact is I felt like I might have got somewhere in the thought processes. 

I feel a bit bad that I've 'neglected' my 'circle meditation' today - and I had said to my 'inners' that I would be there for them in the circle meditation every day, but I wasn't there for them today - but I've rationalised it in terms of thinking that they can access my mind when they want to - I am here all the time.  The door is never closed to them.  We are together therefore all the time - although I think I can leave some of them safe at home, if there's ever an occasion that one or more of them can't cope with.  This rationale works well, I think.

I am fascinated by how I can write in different parts of this forum, and feel different levels of 'being there' - i.e. I think I dissociate sometimes, and blend with other parts of myself, and that even my writing will alter depending on how I'm feeling and who I'm relating more to. 

I was researching 'dissociative amnesia' a bit today - mainly thanks to Sceal talking about it in her Journal or maybe somewhere else in the forum, and I do relate to it - it's happened to me a few times - I know that for certain.  Although I didn't realise what it was, and didn't really worry about it previously either.  Which one source said was often the case, that people didn't worry about it much.  Interesting really.

I am relieved that I slept better last night, and didn't have anymore Night Terrors.  That's so much better... 

As I write this now, I feel 'far away' from my inners - it's like Little Hope is somewhere else entirely - and I feel as if I don't have many worries or concerns right now.  Actually this is quite strange, as Little Hope is normally much closer to me.  So I'm not sure what's going on really.

I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland, looking down the Rabbit hole and wondering what activity is going on down there, yet feeling a thousand feet away - and therefore disconnected. 

I'm still trying to work out how to get out of 'procrastination' - I feel like I'm in a constant state of it.  As if I'm a statue frozen in time.  I need to de-frost myself and get into action! 

It's like a sticky mud grasps onto me, and keeps me suspended there. 

I'm trying to be more in the moment when it comes to watching films and TV generally - I often dissociate and can't take in the details of the film, although I do enjoy the lovely scenery and details - and I noticed that Little Hope was also watching some things, and when she was there - she would really enjoy the coloured patterns of wall-paper and things like that.  She looks at things in a more intent way - with open eyes and heart.  I like that.

I think I've felt a bit depressed in mood today - a bit flat - but this is after the Easter weekend, which was stressful for me, so maybe I just need to be quiet and flat now.  It's better than feeling anxious and upset.  Calm is good.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 5th April 2018
I've decided that I'll wait till this Journal reaches 30 pages, and then I'll start a new one!  That's a decision made, and feels good.

I think I must have been experiencing depersonalisation yesterday when I wrote here, because that feeling like 'Alice In Wonderland' looking down the hole - that was like being outside looking in - and now that I've been reading another thread in this forum just now, it made more sense - I saw that Eyessoblue had also written something similar about such things, and it made perfect sense to me.

Today I feel more grounded, and in touch with my feelings, and it feels a lot better somehow.  So that's good.

Regarding tackling procrastination - I'm managing to do a few things each day - via a list, and then ticking them off, and whilst I feel like my progress is slow, it is at least happening!   

So this is good.

I talked to my partner today about whether I would seek out therapy again or not - and we both decided that for now, I'll continue as I am doing - with self-help and the support in this forum, because I seem to be doing ok.  But that if it reaches a time when I'm struggling, then maybe I'll approach the therapist - but right now, I'm doing ok really.  I have been a lot worse - and I think I am making progress.

I'll see how it goes.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad to see that you're feeling more grounded, Hope. Little Hope must be feeling more heard and loved then, huh? Sometimes when I feel distant from my own little ones, I just get the sense that we need a break with time to ourselves until we can start talking again.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you - yes, I think that Little Hope is feeling that she is being heard and she likes that communication.  I really like what you said about needing time to take a break and time to oneself, before talking again - that really makes a lot of sense.  Thanks for sharing that with me.  I think that me and the Little Hopes will take heed of that.    to you.

***
Journal Entry on 7th April 2018

I had started re-reading Janina Fisher's book again today - and was amazed at how much I could understand it better the second time of reading certain parts - as if I was seeing some things for the first time, and I also freaked myself out a bit as when my partner brought me a cup of tea to drink, I thought he'd given me the wrong mug, as the mug I had was ENORMOUS - yet it was the same one I usually have - and it really felt as if I'd become very little - as if I had morphed into Little Hope - and the cup was sooooo big.  That happened to me before when I had written about the Lady with the Long Brown Hair, and then when I'd gone to get ready for bed, I felt as if I had an enormous body - so I'm wondering if I keep blending with Little Hope - or whether this is something else.  Anyway, I'm going to be careful and try to pace myself and also ground myself - to ensure I stay in the real world. 

I was also looking at my 'diagrams' - which are different time periods from my life and things that I've noted down around those times - and it also felt as if I was reading them for the first time - and thinking 'Did I really write this?' - and it was as if I was processing it - rather than just intellectually seeing it - I was able to feel some of the feelings that relate to the events, rather than just seeing them. 

I watched a u-tube video by someone called Heather Gingrich - she has written a book called 'Restoring The Shattered Self' and she was being interviewed by a radio presenter about Complex PTSD - she spoke about how it was important for people to look at the details of  the traumatic events - and to explore the emotions and the physical sensations accompanying it.  The interview was really helpful.  She also said things about how EMDR could be used, but it was often more helpful if the person doing it was trained to understand complex PTSD, as that was important - the only experience of EMDR I've had was via a hypnosis CD that I bought by Paul McKenna and he used it in there - and I tried it, but I can't remember how it went, as it was a long time ago now.  Maybe I'll try it again sometime.

I have bought a kit to try to do some oil painting!  It was a pad of paper and some oil paints and paint brushes - so I hope to see what happens.  I've not done oil painting before.  My partner has also given me some white spirit  so that I can clean the brushes. 

Right now, in this moment, I have no idea what I'm feeling - it's like I'm not feeling anything. 

But it's ok.  It feels alright to be feeling like that.   I think the week as a whole has been ok.  I got through it, and I did do a few things from my list. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i'm glad you made a decision about therapy that suits you.  well done.  we all go about healing in different ways, and what works for you is your way, and that's what matters.

i'll be interested to hear how your oil painting goes.  i used to do the 'paint by numbers' types when i was a kid, but i remember the smells, and that i loved doing it.  no artist am i.  still, it was something i enjoyed.  i wonder if those are still around. 

i think the idea of taking a break for a bit is a good one, too.  nice that d.r. thought of it for you.  i do take regular breaks no matter what kind of brain work i do, and they really help.  hope yours will as well.  love and a big hug, hope.

[Sceal]

I too am wanting to try oilpainting. But I don't have a well ventilated living space, so I wont be able to try until the summer so I can sit outside. I hope you find it an interessting medium!

As for merging with Little Hope, I think that might be a good thing. I've heard that it's part of healing to intergrate the different parts of ourselves when it comes to complex ptsd and to DiD. I hope it feels good for you!
- if it's okay today?

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - I also remember doing Painting by Numbers when I was a child - it was a nice thing to do.  I don't know if they still have those things, but I do remember it was oil paint, as I also remember the smell.  Thank you for the love and hug - and reciprocating that back to you -  thank you.  I'm not sure if I'll actually get to do the painting, as I can't even motivate myself to even draw at the moment - my creativity is stuck - I feel stuck in many ways, but I am going to try to make some changes this week, and hopefully I'll be able to get past it.

Hi Sceal - I think I will also wait till the Summer to try the oil painting, because you've made a good point about needing ventilation to do it.  I am finding it hard to even do some drawing, as my creativity is stuck - but I thought if I try to do a drawing this week - just one - just start one, then maybe I'll want to do more.  I do dot-to-dots currently, which I find relaxing.  I only do about 10 minutes of dot-to-dot a day - but I like it.  So maybe I can do 10 minutes of drawing.  Thanks for what you said about merging with Little Hope - maybe she will want to draw herself and so maybe she can lead the way on that.  Thank you for the hug, and I would like to also give you a warm hug back too -  - if that's ok.
****

Journal entry for 9th April 2018
I need to do some de-cluttering - I have lots of things I need to get rid of, but again, feel lack of motivation to even start.  I feel quite flat in my mood today - which isn't helping.  I have an appointment I need to attend later - so I need to get ready for that. 
Can't write anymore just now.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry on 10th April 2018

I am continuing to be in quite a depressive phase, emotionally - feeling quite low and flat and lacking in interest - BUT I am also attempting to process this and get in touch with the part of myself that is represented by this feeling - and I think I am making some links and that I am getting somewhere.  But it's really hard - I am also feeling physically sick quite a bit of the time, and then wondering if I am 'sickening for something' - maybe I am physically ill - but my partner said to me that he thinks it's 'psychological' - interesting! 

I can't put things into words just yet - because I just don't have the words to convey it.  I felt physically sick, and as if I couldn't eat - but I did eat.  Then I felt a bit better.  So it's like my appetite has gone, I can't work out when I'm hungry and when I'm full. 

I'm not going to worry about it - or at least, I'll try not to. 

I think it's because I've been working hard on the inner wounded parts stuff, and maybe it's too much - too soon - but yet I don't want to stop doing it - as I feel like I've finally found a way to understand myself.  But at the same time, I can see that I have a lot of different issues to contend with - so many.  Too many.

But I have time, and I have hope - and I will just try to go with it.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope!
I'm sad to hear you're in a depressive period where you're lacking in interest for those things which previously were enjoyable to you. I hope your interest will come back to you soon.
Physical illness and mental illness/fatigue can often go hand in hand. Like, an anxiety attack for many feels like a heart-attack the first few times around. A heart-attack is a very physical thing. Also walking around with migraine, and knots in the belly are often physical symptoms of psychological stress. So perhaps your partner is right? You've worked alot with your innner wounds for a while now, perhaps the sign of feeling physical sick is a sign that you should rest a bit before continue working? Or perhaps it's a sign that something is starting to losen up a little more for you?

Don't forget to give yourself self-care and rest after all your hard work.
if it's okay today

[sanmagic7]

i agree with sceal, hope.  you've been working awfully hard on putting those pieces in place.  i also understand not wanting to stop because of the progress you're making.  maybe you don't have to stop, but slow down.  it sounds like your body is telling you that.  not forever, just for a bit while your brain/body get a bit of rest.  they're having to fuel this work, after all.  they deserve a break, too, just as you do.

i'm down right now as well, so i can relate.  please, take it easy on yourself.  you deserve that, you've earned that.  much love and hugs.

[Hope67]

Thank you so much Sceal and SanMagic - I appreciate your replies very much.     to you both.   

Journal Entry for 11th April 2018

I am physically ill - I thought it was psychological, and I suspect that quite a significant part of it is exhaustion from all this work I've been doing, on my inner wounded parts - but I also think I have some food poisoning - as I have a bad stomach upset - and I can't eat very much - I am trying to eat bland foods - and keep hydrated. 

I am also being mindful of the advice to rest and recuperate from this, and I've been sleeping a lot - during the day and at night.  I took a warm bath as well - and it was comforting. 

I had felt very depressed in my mood, and it was getting me down.  However it is lifting a bit, as I am feeling a bit better as the day has gone on. 

Hope