Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for your lovely reply - I really hope you'll feel a bit better soon - and in the meantime, you take care and look after yourself.  I appreciate your lovely comment, it means a lot.  Thank you 

Hi Wife2 - Thank you so much for bringing that amazing Blanket 'of Not-Blaming Myself' - it is just perfect and very snuggly.  I love the fact that the pattern sometimes glows.  You are so thoughtful to bring that to me, and I really appreciate your kindness - you warm my heart.  You have made me smile, and it is much appreciated. 

I think you're right, that I will see the doctor when the time is right. 

Journal entry for 19th December 2017 - I am glad that the day went ok.  I find the festive time of year to be a challenge in many ways - but I am also looking forward to some things, so it's a mixed bag - but I am cherishing the positives that are in my life, and I am lucky to have some positives there.

Hope 

[Andyman73]

Hello Hope!!!!


That should have you smiling for a  bit.   

Andy

[Hope66]

Wow, Andy, that will seriously keep me smiling ALL day long.  Thank you so much!   

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope66]

Thank you so much, SanMagic  to you too. 
Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry on 22nd December 2017

I've been feeling a bit more panicky inside this past day or so - but I think it's more down to knowing that Christmas Day is getting closer, and I know that I will be spending that day in the company of my partner's relatives - and so I'll feel a bit 'hyper-vigilant' about that in some ways - whilst they are lovely people, they do occasionally (well one of them) occasionally asks me what I feel are 'intrusive questions' - but I handled one of those questions a few days ago quite well - told her I don't want to talk about it, that Christmas is a stressful time for me (being estranged from my FOO) and that I'd rather not answer her questions about my FOO.  She tried to pursue her questioning a bit, but did back off - especially as my partner also supported me at the time.

I think that subconsciously, my mind seems to be processing quite a few things, and I get senses of them in my dreams - like a sense of dread that maybe a FOO member has died or is ill - I know those things could happen, but the reality is that my FOO are usually quite healthy people - and I suspect they will be healthy into very old age - but of course I don't know that for certain.  Being NC means I don't know how they are - and I guess there's part of me that still 'cares' - because I always tried to be a 'good daughter' - but I've begun to realise that essentially I'm not sure how much they actually 'cared' about me - I seem to feel as if I was an instrument that was helpful, useful, and as long as I toed the line and catered to their emotional needs, that's how they wanted it to continue - to the detriment very much of my own development as an individual person with my own wants and needs. 

I've been reading a book about 'Positivity' and it summarises a lot of research that's been done on how people can raise their positivity potential - and I am keen to explore some of those things.  I'd like 2018 to be a year when I can live my life more authentically - more in the moment - more positively - and I'd like to stop myself or reduce the frequency of my dissociating - as I realise I do that quite a lot.  I know it's a protective mechanism, but really - there's nothing that could actually 'hurt' me now - not really - especially now I've got my Big Mama Kodiak Bear to protect my little Hopes and Adult Hope too (thanks so much Wife2 - such a helpful thing for me).

Although I feel a bit more panicky, I am also feeling more 'hopeful' - because I can see that I've 'improved' in my well-being over the past few months - maybe I'll write some kind of progress letter somewhere - to list the things I've noticed that are different - but they are definitely different - and I am making progress.  Previously I used to 'ruminate' constantly about my FOO - literally most moments in the day - and nowadays I don't think of them as often - I have other things I think about, and those are nicer things.

Anyway, I am once again so happy that I found this amazing forum, and such supportive and lovely people - that is something I am very grateful for. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 22nd December 2017 (Part 2)

I've just copied something that Three Roses wrote in another part of the forum, which is "I would also point out that the reactions are in the brain, not necessarily the mind, and in some cases views the trauma as current and not passed."

I just wanted to reflect on that, because it felt pertinent to me today - and helps me to keep grounded and 'not take things to heart' - bearing in mind that any reactions I have are most likely to do with EFs. 

I was happily going about my day today - until the Post arrived - and of course, there was a Christmas card from my FOO - and of course - even though I recognise the hand-writing, and know it's from them, instead of doing what a friend had suggested to me - and sending it back unopened - I open it.  It didn't say much - just a very short signing of their names - as in 'M&D' (M & F) - but of course, it meant I ended up thrown back into an EF - and the feelings surrounding it were very much as if I was going to be 'told off' 'really badly' - as if it was catastrophic - and I have basically been trying to get myself grounded again since then.  Thankfully that was about 4 or 5 hours ago, and I am finally feeling a bit better!  But it's so annoying that I feel like that, and have no control over it.  Or at least that's how it feels.

I have put the card 'out of view' - and part of me wanted to tear it up - I might do that later.  I don't want to keep it.  I am NC - but they still persevere in sending Christmas cards.  They have stopped sending Birthday cards now.  I really thought they might have stopped Christmas cards too.  Maybe next year.

Anyway, I am going to try to concentrate on enjoying Christmas and hopefully not feeling too triggered by the various things that go on at this time of year. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

maybe you're able to learn from this, hope.  that is my hope for you.  if we can learn from our experiences, then they're something positive for us and give us strength for the next challenge.

i've had a lot of good results tearing things up.  the action of it, the strength and power it takes, and the sound of it - oooh, that sound has always been meaningfully positive for me.  i know you'll do what you think is best for you.

if it were me, i would plan on receiving a card next year, and make a plan for what i'm going to do with it ahead of time.  i think that kind of thing gives us the feeling of empowerment, which can also offset those pesky ef's.

i love what 3roses said and totally believe it.  our brain and our mind are two different entities.    one does not necessarily control the other.

keep up the good work, hope.  i think you're dealing with all this holiday and foo stuff just fine.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

I can see that I've 'improved' in my well-being over the past few months - maybe I'll write some kind of progress letter somewhere - to list the things I've noticed that are different - but they are definitely different - and I am making progress. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hope, it's alright to be backtracked somewhat. As long as you keep trying to move forward in some way, that's okay. 

Merry Almost Christmas by the way. Take care.

[Hope66]

Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your lovely replies, and I'm writing a short message here - as I am having difficulty with my internet connection at the moment.
I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. 
Sorry not to have mentioned you individually - I am very conscious that I might get kicked off the internet at any moment - it is playing up quite a bit.
Hope everyone has a good Christmas.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Merry Christmas too, Hope. 

[Hope66]

  Happy Christmas Decimal Rocket - hope you're doing ok.   

Journal entry for 26th December 2017

Finding it a bit tough, but not too bad - will be glad when Christmas celebrations are over - I still have some things I need to go to this week - and I'm suffering from a head cold now - but I think I'll be alright to get through them.   There's part of me that wants to 'cancel' them - but I am going to try to keep going, and carry on. 

My internet seems a bit better today.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, Hope. I'm doing better these days — I'm not sick now at least. Not exactly energized — but I guess it's just my mellow personality. 

I wish the best of luck that you complete whatever you're planning to do. CPTSD makes us a lot more easily tired than most people, but we can still accomplish things in our daily lives at our own pace. I'm giving you a gentle push if that's alright.

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket, I am glad to hear you're doing better, and that you're not sick now.  I appreciate your gentle push - and your wishing me the best of luck to complete what I'm planning - you're right - at our own pace, we can still accomplish things - and I'd like to wish you the same - in terms of accomplishing the things you plan to do as well.   
Hope