Hope66's Journal

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope 

Reflection can give you a lot of insights. Glad you're learning something from it.

Nice to have a productive day, huh? Heh.

Take care, Hope.

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket - thank you for your lovely reply - I appreciate it.  :-)

Journal entry for 11th November 2017

It's the weekend, and my book hasn't arrived - I was disappointed, but I decided that I'd focus on some 'time line' kind of stuff - and so I worked from various notes and writings that I've done in the past, and I literally wrote some line diagrams with the central part having a year and then from that year I wrote things that happened at that time - both from my own perspective (my own events) and then what I know/have learned from the accounts of my FOO (family of origin).  I think I accomplished a lot, because I found it really useful to see the diagrams, and I began to notice themes and also began to see how many 'triggering events' there had been, and at what time they had happened - and then how the family reacted to those.

Emotionally, I found that I ended up tearful at different points in the day - and my partner was concerned for me.  However I explained to him that I need to process things - and work through some intense feelings - there's grief there, and anger too - and I'm getting in touch with those emotions, as opposed to my previous pattern of pushing them down, and dissociating from them.  I think he understands.  But it worries me at the same time, that I may be distancing myself from him, by processing issues relating to my FOO.  Afterall, I need to live in the 'here and now' - in my current 'relationships' rather than continually trying to work out and understand my FOO and their dysfunctional toxicity.  That is how I see it - they are and have been toxic for me.

Anyway, I am glad I did that 'timeline' stuff today - because I actually 'did it' rather than just 'thinking about it' - I can often have good well made plans, but then manage to avoid actually putting them into place, and today - I 'did' it.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope.

I noticed that when I see my achievements on one day, it seems worthless. But when I see how progress adds up on a long period of time, I think I'm doing pretty well. I hope you got the same experience on reflecting on your past.

I'm glad that you recognize that it's essential to feel your feelings and are able to communicate it to your husband.

Well, it's just my opinion and you get to choose whether to follow it or not. I heard something like this from woodsgnome. While you're supposed to move on to the present, it seems a lot of issues in the present can only be understand and solved by understanding your past. But there is also a point where understanding your past doesn't give insights as much anymore and become ways to hurt you. So ask yourself : Is it giving more insights or is it just hurting you?

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
What you said was really helpful, so thank you for your comments.  I also like the wise words of Woodsgnome too - it makes a lot of sense.  Many thanks.   

Journal Entry for 13th November 2017

Not really sure what I'm going to write today - but I wanted to 'touch base' with my journal, and I have been doing more 'reflecting' on things - and just allowing my feelings to surface as and when they want to.  It's been ok. 

My book that I'd ordered has arrived - it's called 'Adult Children of Abusive Parents' (by Steven Farmer) and it's the 25th anniversary updated edition.  I am excited about reading it, but I know I need to pace myself.  So I'm not 'rushing into' reading it - I will wait till I am feeling up to it.

I am beginning to get triggered by the thought of the Christmas holidays - even though they are still some weeks away - but already people are mentioning things that they want to do - and wanting me to do them with them - this relates to my partner's family - and that's ok - I don't mind being included in those things, it's lovely to be asked to join in - but it then makes me think about the fact that I'm not doing those things with my FOO.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to do those things with my FOO - but it intensifies my feelings - some of which feel as if I'm 'guilty' for spending time with my FOC, when my FOO would 'expect' me to be with them.

I feel like it's time to start writing some more 'letters' - to express my feelings that way - as I find that to be really therapeutic - I know I have a 'lot to say' and I need to vent it and let it out.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

you go, hope.  choices of self-care never need guilt attached, in my opinion.  the holidays are tricky cuz of the hype about family, but it sounds like you have a lovely 'family' to spend them with.   your foo is what it is, and your choice is valid.

big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry, Sceal & SanMagic,
Thank you all for your lovely replies and I appreciate the hugs 

Journal Entry for 16th November 2017

A mixed few days since I last wrote here - emotions varying day to day - but I've started reading the book by Stephen Farmer, and it is a powerful book - I feel like it's been written as if he 'knows' me and that he knows exactly what I've been through - and I'm being very careful in reading it - so that I protect myself and don't dive into anything - because I have a feeling it's a big thing to do stuff in that book.

I'm beginning to consider doing some more 'letters not to send' writing - and I hope to share that in the forum, because I seek validation in doing that - as well as 'getting the feelings out' - but again, I am keen to pace myself and so that is what I'm doing.  Taking things slowly.  Thinking, considering, and with that comes a range of emotions - I've noticed I'm 'reacting' more to triggers - and experiencing more frequent EFs at the moment - but I'm trying to process the triggers more and also I'm trying to understand my feelings more.  Staying more 'in the moment' as and when I can, rather than dissociating off. 

I also want to work on finding out more about what I 'like and don't like' as a person - because I've not really felt able to develop confidence in that - and infact it can be overwhelming when I get to make a decision - it can be so difficult - I'd like to give an example here, but I can feel there's an 'inner critic' telling me that if I share an example that I will look stupid.  That's how I 'feel' in those circumstances where I find I can't decide - and sometimes I get my partner to help me out and get him to choose... 

I've had a few more sleep 'disturbances' which I've been aware of - and I've felt very scared and anxious at nighttime when I've realised those - but I feel as if that is how I felt when I was a small child - and so I'm recognising that whatever is frightening me, it's not from the present time - it's from the past.  That seems to help me - and I hope that it will continue to be the case.

Even as I write this, I think - does this make sense - am I writing it in a coherent way.  I doubt myself.  But I know whenever I re-read things I write, that on those occasions I think 'Wow, how did I do that' - it is ok...  So I am not going to edit or change what I write - I will just 'say it'.

I've found when I'm reading posts in the forum lately that I feel 'over-whelmed' - and that annoys me, because I value so much being able to read the posts and see what people are writing about - and I relate so much to things people say - but yet I feel over-whelmed and then feel 'tongue-tied' as if I can't interact and contribute. 

Then sometimes I am feeling more able to just launch in and say something - how come I feel stronger on those occasions - consistency would be nice, but I guess that's the thing with being triggered and reacting and processing and handling things.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Your writing makes perfect sense. It has evolved a bit, I think, from being careful and tentative to being more inquisitive. It's just a change, so please don't read anything negative into that.

I've read that book several times. The first time I kind of skipped around doing the exercises but I found that when I did them, and did them in the order they're presented, I got more out of them. When you said,

I also want to work on finding out more about what I 'like and don't like' as a person 

, I think those writing exercises may ultimately help with that.

I'm very interested in what you think if this book so please say more, when you can.

[sanmagic7]

hope, you're still making a decision about whether/what to say to your sister, correct?  it may be, and i'm just guessing, that as you're getting closer to making a decision, that part of you is coming to the fore and causing some of these situations for you.  what you want/don't want would seem to fit perfectly in there.

it seems that you may be on the edge of a change for yourself right now with the whole sister thing, and that could be bringing up extra emotions, which could also cause that overwhelming sensation while you're reading other posts.  again, just guessing.  does that make sense?

at any rate, i have no doubt you'll figure all of this out - it sounds like you're very close to a breakthrough, a positive one.  standing right beside you - you'll be ok.   warm, loving hug to you.

[Hope66]

Hi ThreeRoses - thanks for your reply and I am pleased to think my writing has evolved - and I like the change from 'careful and tentative' to 'inquisitive' - I think that's a positive thing, and I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts on that.  Thank you.  Regarding the book - so far I'm reading it through in full - but at the same time I've picked some of the exercises to do - those that relate to being mindful really - and that process has been very helpful already.  I do intend to do them in a more disciplined way - i.e. more thoroughly and in order, but I want to complete the full book before going back over it and taking that approach.  I have been really impressed by the book so far.  But at the same time, I'm glad I've done other reading - because if I came to that book first, I think it could have really 'blown me over' in terms of its powerfulness - i.e. I think I needed to be 'ready' - before I could cope with it.  Does that make sense...?  I'm aware it's your Birthday today - so I hope you're going to have a day that is a positive one and that you'll enjoy it. 

Hi SanMagic,
You are right in that I've been considering what to do about my sister - and whether I 'want' to continue in my relationship with her or whether I 'don't want' to - and so far I am realising that I feel 'better' when I'm not writing to her - and as she is not contacting me anymore, I wonder if maybe she feels the same...?  I don't know - I know I can't be responsible for her, and that I hardly 'know' her.   I am aware that there's a part of me that wants to 'make things all ok' - but I know that in reality I can't do that - and I just need to look at what I need in this life - because my FOO haven't looked out for my needs - even when I was small - my emotional needs were not addressed.  I know that.  My sister 'escaped' the FOO very early - and she has her own FOC - they are very different again - and I know that I need to think about my FOC - and nurture and tend to that - and begin to learn more about myself and my needs and wants as well.  SanMagic, thank you for your lovely reply.  I feel like you're right, that I'm getting close to a positive realisation/change - it feels good.

Journal Entry for 18th November 2017
It's midday on Saturday as I write this and it's a sunny day.  I am feeling more hopeful about the future today than I've felt for some time.  I like that feeling, and I really hope that it will stay with me and I can enjoy it. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Journal Entry for 18th November 2017
It's midday on Saturday as I write this and it's a sunny day.  I am feeling more hopeful about the future today than I've felt for some time.  I like that feeling, and I really hope that it will stay with me and I can enjoy it. 
Hope 

 

And even if the feeling becomes less pronounced, as they often do when life takes over, it's an achievement that you are feeling this now. When I feel positive, hopeful emotions rather than depression, it's easier to tap them again and go back to feeling them. I so wish this for you too. 

[Hope66]

Thanks Blueberry - those fireworks are amazing!  I love them!!!     It's been a good day today and I am grateful for that.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

yay, you!  so very glad for you that your day is going well.  such a wonderful feeling.  love and hugs.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.  I enjoyed the feeling for a while - definitely!   

Journal Entry for 19th November 2017

I did feel good, and then my inner critic must have 'set to work' because it caused me to 'negate' much of my positive feelings - and I also ended up getting some dreams that centred around thoughts that my FOO were ill/dying - this is unlikely, but I thought to myself that it was a way of punishing me for having some positive thoughts about my future.

I got really upset about this, when trying to explain it to my partner, and then ended up in a very powerful EF - I think - where I felt as if I couldn't speak at all - like as if there were hands around my throat - squeezing my breath - and I was amazed that I was literally 'choked up'.  This makes me think of the book by Bessel Van der Kolk - about 'The Body Keeps the Score' and I wonder if maybe I was 'choked' or maybe just that I couldn't speak and express my emotions and voice when I was a child, and that somehow when I get really upset, it repeats - and I 'feel the same'.

Anyway, the thing is that I am not feeling 'over-whelmed' anymore by this process - and 3Roses was right in saying that my writing is more 'inquisitive' - as that is how I feel about this process now - I feel as if I'm truely learning things about myself, and I don't feel so scared about discovering and finding things out. 

I also just saw a thread that HealingFinally wrote, and BlancaLap replied to - which was very helpful to me - and I related to that a lot.  I felt like I could have written a similar thread today - and I was grateful someone else had done just that, and expressed something I related to - it made me feel less alone in this, and that there are people who completely understand.

So, I conclude it's been eye-opening to me to see how I react to experiencing some positive emotions and feelings - and how my mind has tried to sabotage and repress those.  But I'm going to pursue the positives, and hope to have more of them, and begin to enjoy them, and experience the negatives and the positives - both being vital parts of life.  That's what I hope.

So I say again - I am still feeling good about my future - and I'd like to thank all those of you here - because you are alongside, and I feel braver for knowing the community is here and so supportive.   

Hope