Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic, Sceal and Blueberry,
Thank you all for your comments, and support, and I appreciate very much those things you said -  to you all, and Blueberry - I hope that your stomach bug clears up really soon - that isn't good...  Hope you feel better really soon!

My journal entry for today (1st October 2017):
I'm feeling good about the new book by Levine - I like the way he writes, and he sounds very knowledgeable about trauma.  I've read the first couple of chapters so far, and I'm just about to read about an exercise to do - funnily enough at that point I put the book down - I realise I get a bit scared at the experiential parts - the actual 'doing' of exercises/suggestions - I obviously like to 'read about it' - but then get scared at the 'doing'.  Probably because I don't know what I'll feel like - probably because I recognise that I tend to distract, dissociate, in various ways normally - or comfort eat to numb myself. 

But I think I've been gradually learning to 'feel more' - to stay more in the 'moment' - and I feel that's a positive thing. 

I'm now sitting here and thinking 'I don't know what to write' - 'what am I feeling?' - 'I don't know...'  oh well. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm just about to read about an exercise to do - funnily enough at that point I put the book down - I realise I get a bit scared at the experiential parts - the actual 'doing' of exercises/suggestions - I obviously like to 'read about it' - but then get scared at the 'doing'. 

It's the same for me. I like to read, but then gloss over the actual doing. My therapist always says that I'll start to do an exercise when the time is right for me, so not to put myself under added pressure. That has actually been my experience over the years. I tend to 'forget' that though and go on a spew of self-blame when not actually 'doing'.

Feeling more and staying in the moment is great progress! 

[Sceal]

I also have a book that contain excersises. I've decided to finish the book first, reading the instructions and what the excersises are about. And then come back to them later. And do it slowly. I don't know what kind of excersises that are in your book, in mine it's mainly awareness and mindfulness. And the book also points out that people with trauma have difficulties with lengthy excersises because it can be triggering, and therefore shorter excersises are better. In regards to mindfulness excersises that involves being aware of my own physical body I find this particularly true. And even more so in regards to excersises about self-compassion.
So maybe, like Blueberry says, don't put any pressure on yourself before you start doing them.

And remember, you can always stop. You have a choice.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks so much for the encouragement - really good to have that.   
I like what your Therapist said about doing things when the time is right, and not putting added pressure on myself - I can definitely relate to that.

Hi Sceal,
Thank you so much for your comments about the exercises in your book - I must admit that I've not yet seen what kind of exercise my book is suggesting, because I literally 'saw' that there was one coming up, and that was the point where I closed the book - so it was as if part of me didn't really want to even 'go there' at the moment.
But I can choose when to proceed, and I can choose when to stop - you are so right - choices are liberating.  Thank you for your support and great comments.   

Journal entry for today 2nd October 2017
I am aware that this week is a heavy one, with lots going on in it for me IRL (in real life) - so I will hope to return to the forum again in a few days - either on the weekend or early next week - as I know that will be a better time for me to focus on my 'personal stuff', and hopefully I can get stuff done IRL that needs my attention in these few days ahead.

So that's a plan.  That feels good.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope,
thought I'd tell you in your Journal that I did that card trick yesterday for a prolonged period of time, and it was really helpful.
So thanks very much once again for the idea.

I hope for you that you're managing this heavy week as best you can. Hang in there. 

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

You know it's lovely to return from a heavy week in the real world (IRW) and get a lovely message from you here in my Journal - thank you - it means a lot.   

I am happy to hear you used the Card thing successfully, and it was helpful to you.

I've missed everyone here - this past few days - and am glad to be back.  Tired though.   

Hoping to catch up on things that have been posted, and read around.   I'm going to take some time later in the week, to devote to doing just that. 

Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome back Hope. Hope the time away was okay and that you could get stuff done. ^^

[Hope66]

Hi AphoticAtrementous,
Thanks so much for the lovely 'Welcome back' - I appreciate it.  I have got some stuff done, so it was a good outcome.  Thanks for thinking of me.  Hope you're doing ok - I know you had an EF today, so really hope that you are feeling better as time goes on. 

My journal entry for today (10th October 2017) (possibly Triggering - as I've ended up triggering myself during the process of writing about my feelings today - TW warning therefore):

I just want to touch base with my Journal again, in the hope that it will give me some 'direction' - as I feel a bit over-whelmed having returned from a busy week where I had some stuff to sort out - and therefore took a break from the forum to try to focus on that.  I think I achieved quite a bit - or at least more than I thought I would, which is a bonus.

Something that really has bugged me since I communicated about some of the things I was doing to my sister - was that she appeared 'judgemental' of me - one of the things I did this week was that I re-connected with an old friend, someone I'd not seen for about 5 years, and yet my sister commented when I told her about my plans to see that friend again -  in what I perceived to be a sarcastic way - she said something like - well we've not seen one another for many more years than that - "but that doesn't matter, does it" - I really thought it was passive-aggressive in tone and quite sarcastic.  I didn't know how else to take it. 

My thoughts are that I was the one who made efforts to find her - she hasn't tried to find me - when I asked her about it, she told me that time hadn't been right, and spirits had told her that I would find her.  She has a different belief system to me, I don't believe in spirits - but I have tried to respect that fact that she does, and I really hope that I haven't come across as judgemental of her for believing as she does.  But at the same time, I feel hurt that she seems to be judging me.

Actually I'm surprised to find myself writing this here - I didn't intend to do so, but somehow it's what's bothering me most at the moment - feeling judged by my sister, when I feel like she doesn't know me. 

I feel like screaming inside - this has upset me far more than I could have envisaged it would. 

I probably hoped that re-connecting with my sister would be like something out of a fairytale - with a happy ending, and of course - it is good to fit together parts of the puzzle of my childhood, by comparing our experiences, but essentially we've both been damaged by our upbringing - and the last thing I want to do is replace a toxic relationship with my parents, with a similarly toxic relationship with my sister. 

Maybe this is an EF - I am feeling as if I'm feeling this far too strongly - hopefully I'll be able to calm and think about this more rationally. 

Infact as I read it back, I think that a much younger part of me is writing it - not my adult self.

Anyway, I must go now, as someone is coming in...

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I probably hoped that re-connecting with my sister would be like something out of a fairytale - with a happy ending, and of course - it is good to fit together parts of the puzzle of my childhood, by comparing our experiences, but essentially we've both been damaged by our upbringing - and the last thing I want to do is replace a toxic relationship with my parents, with a similarly toxic relationship with my sister. 

It's good to see you back and journaling and I'm glad you managed to get things done.

The paragraph above speaks to me so much atm too. I even hoped for same with reconnecting with parents, not just with sibs. But it was not to be. They're all too toxic and not realising it. Thx for finding words for the good part of reconnecting - comparing experiences, fitting puzzle pieces back together.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I admire your respecting of her beliefs, Hope. It's refreshing to see. I don't believe in spirits myself either, but my FOO does and it can be a little strange at times lol But I try and play along when I can, keep the peace kind of thing.
It must be a little difficult situation for you with your sister... but I think it's good you're aware of not wanting to fall into another possible toxic relationship... being on the lookout for these things. It's good. ^^
If you're still feeling riled up, maybe take a few deep breaths, get a hot drink. Be nice to yourself.

Thanks so much for the lovely 'Welcome back' - I appreciate it.  I have got some stuff done, so it was a good outcome.  Thanks for thinking of me.  Hope you're doing ok - I know you had an EF today, so really hope that you are feeling better as time goes on. 

Thank you very much! Glad to hear you got stuff done! My EFs are pretty short thankfully so I'm much better now. Cheers.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry & AphoticAtramentous,
Thank you both for your comments - they helped me a lot because it was just very validating to hear your replies and know that you understand - so thank you.
I am calmer now - just getting my thoughts 'out there' - in this journal, and having them listened to and understood - it's taken a weight off me.  That's what it often feels like when I come in this forum, and write about things - I am so glad I found this 'space' and this incredibly validating and wonderful place.  People like yourselves, who understand, and relate. 
Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal entry for 11th October 2017

I am reading Peter Levine's book about Trauma – and I did a 'felt sense exercise' yesterday.  Interesting that overnight, I had a very vivid dream, so wanted to write about that here:

I was in a work situation – not my actual work, but another job, involving a lot of responsibility and tasks that I wasn't used to undertaking, but with a similar experience of complex stuff and having too many responsibilities – so similar to my actual job role.  Anyway, I ended up 'not coping' and in the end couldn't undertake the tasks I was supposed to do – and I ended up crying uncontrollably in the dream – felt as if I was crying in real life too – but I don't think I actually shed any tears in real life.  Felt like utter grief, inconsolable – and when I woke, it took me a while to settle myself again. 

What I did realise is that at the time that I ended up leaving my job, IRL (in real life), I had been facing so many things that would be hard to cope with for anyone – and that was over-whelming in so many ways, and that process  probably re-traumatized me in many ways.  So it is understandable that I would grieve for those losses, and react to those changes, and the effect would stay with me longer term.

But the good thing is that I can put it into some form of perspective, and that's a good thing.  I think I am still grieving for my old job, but trying to focus on developing new projects - and in many ways it's refreshing to have that opportunity, although in terms of finance I am not as well off as I was previously, so budgeting is key.

I'm not sure what I think about Peter Levine's book – I find his comparisons with the animals' physiological reactions to traumatic events to be interesting, and how our neo-cortex as humans means we often don't process things in the same way – or at least I think that's what he's saying – he writes in a complex way that is hard to understand sometimes, but I am sticking with the book, and I will continue through to the end and see what I can glean from it.

Certainly, the dream came through after reading it – and I do wonder if that might be related.

Just wanted to write about that today - so I don't forget it.  Seemed important, and interesting too.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal entry for 12th October 2017

I don't know if I can make this a daily practice to write in my journal, but somehow it feels like a positive thing to do at the moment, and helps me to 'ground' myself - and I am still feeling excited by the fact that I've ordered a new book - the latest one that Pete Walker has written, and I can't wait for it to arrive.  I've nearly finished the Peter Levine book - and whilst I appreciate reading it, I find it quite complex in the language, and therefore harder to relate to.  But there have been some bits in it that have resonated with me, and therefore it has been useful. 

I am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings - i.e. the 'felt sense' as he termed it, which goes contrary to my usual tendency to dissociate from my body, and it's hard to do - but I am going to pursue it, and try to make some progress.

Things that are 'bothering me' currently relate to my sister - in that she seems to have made some passive-aggressive kind of remarks in recent communications, which I have 'ignored' - but I wonder if that is the way to go - maybe I should raise the issues with her, but to be honest I'm a bit scared to do that, as last time I attempted to sensitively challenge her on a few things, we ended up not communicating for about 4 months. 

I hardly know her - this is the difficulty, and I've not seen her face to face since I was 8 years old...  This is tough to try to 'understand' and 'get to know' someone from a distance, but we live in different countries now, and I am finding that I feel reluctant to broach meeting up.  This is difficult for me to handle, as I feel 'bad' for thinking this way - but at the same time, I feel I'm protecting myself.

Interesting that thinking about these issues relating to my sister, means I'm not ruminating much at the moment regarding my FOO (parents) - but I guess I might be ruminating more about my sister - oh no!!!  I don't want to replace one rumination with another... similarly difficult one. 

I'm thinking ahead to the weekend, and the fact that I'd like to try to do something creative - like drawing - I think that would do me good - be something calming and focused.  I like the thought of that.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings

I'm doing this too. Seems to be helping.

This is difficult for me to handle, as I feel 'bad' for thinking this way 

Self protection is never bad. You don't know her and so you are necessarily cautious, and that's okay.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I am trying to be more in tune with my body's feelings - i.e. the 'felt sense' as he termed it, which goes contrary to my usual tendency to dissociate from my body, and it's hard to do - but I am going to pursue it, and try to make some progress.

Same here. Good luck with it. ^^

I'm thinking ahead to the weekend, and the fact that I'd like to try to do something creative - like drawing - I think that would do me good - be something calming and focused.  I like the thought of that.

Sounds enjoyable. Hope you enjoy it.