Hope66's Journal

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,

for writing and expressing what you are feeling right now, what writing the unsent letter stirred in you.

I have also experienced EFs and  other flashbacks after expressing something about my childhood. I also figure it's because I wasn't allowed to say anything as a child, nobody outside FOO was supposed to notice anything wrong. That was a total taboo so now when I explain something about my past, most or the whole of FOO arrives in my head and feelings, saying "No, No,  No, How dare you say this?" That's enough to catapult me into an EF.

I was really impressed by your letter - you managed to write so much and so coherently. Mostly I have to stop after a few lines when writing something like this. It's an EF. My brain goes on strike.

Good on you for being able to distract yourself and ground yourself.
Blueberry

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
I relate whole-heartedly to all the things you wrote there - it's extremely validating to hear that.  Thank you so much.  Any 'Taboo' subject that a child is made to keep secret - it is such a heavy burden on such a small person - most adults would find it hard to adhere to such rigid rules, and yet we were expected to keep things to ourselves in that way - and not have appropriate support or help.   Horrible. 

I do think it's helping me a lot to finally be 'speaking out' and sharing my thoughts, and feelings, and being in a community where people truely 'get it'.

So, my journal entry today - I found it more challenging yesterday as I had to visit with my partner's relatives, and although they are lovely to me - I know they don't understand my 'background' - basically because they don't understand why I'm estranged - I've not told them the ins and outs of it, and I don't want to.  I don't think they'd understand. 

I am relieved that I'm through that experience now, and I did cope ok, but it took a lot of energy, and it was quite triggering too - but I feel calmer today - and I am relieved about that.

I know it's the Eclipse tonight, but I can't see it - it's too overcast here.  But I am thinking of everyone in the World who might be able to see it right now, and hoping that they are enjoying the experience. 

I find I am unable to write anymore now, as my mind has gone blank...  So I'll leave it there for now.

Hope 

[Hope66]

I just want to touch base with my Journal, as it feels like a 'grounding place' for me somehow.  I have disclosed more of my childhood sexual abuse - and received some incredibly validating replies from Blueberry and 3Roses.  I feel like I'm dissociating now, and I feel a bit 'high' - I'm going to try to 'ground myself' and watch TV - hopefully nothing too triggering.

I feel quite a lot of emotion inside - a 'whoosh' of emotions all flitting and flying around and clamouring against each other.  Strangely I also feel as if I've been 'naughty' - doing something I shouldn't do - probably the speaking out and raising something that has been 'taboo'.  The good thing about that is that I believe that I am 'safe' - and I can't be 'punished' for speaking out - I think I was scared before that something terrible would happen if I spoke out.  Like having a wolf at the door, and being too frightened to open it.  Fear of the unknown. 

Bank holidays are tough - but I have some plans for tomorrow, and hopefully it will go ok. 

I've finished my book about Compassion - it was ok, but it felt quite 'generic' and I didn't feel it 'touched me' emotionally like some other books I've read.  So I'll be looking out for another book to read - I might re-read something - as often it's like reading the book for the 'first time' - which worries me about how much I actually take in when I first read them... 

I feel as if I'm floundering here to find my words - so I'll stop writing now.  I just wanted to write something.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, when i first began posting about my ex's sexual addiction, i, too, felt like i was speaking about something taboo, something that needed to remain hidden.  i was his confidante, so i should keep his secrets.  isn't that how it goes?

the more i speak to this, the easier it gets.   i am not the one with the addiction, (i've been open about mine), i'm not the one denying there is a problem, i'm not the one who did things that put him in harm's way, and i'm not the one who spoke lewdly about our daughters. 

i still get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach (it's there now) and i'm not sure if it's fear or disgust or shame - maybe a combo - for speaking out about something that is not right, that's wrong.  maybe it's guilt for not doing more to protect myself and my daughters, for allowing him to remain with us even tho i couldn't comprehend just what was going on or why.

anyway, hope, bringing these taboos out into the open is so very difficult.  i hate it, but i also know it's important to do it in order to be free of the role of secret-keeper for something that shouldn't have ever been.   i'm very glad you are safe.  i don't ever feel quite safe as long as he is alive because both my daughters have chosen to continue having a relationship with him.  they're adults, they know, it's their choice, but they're my daughters, and the thought of him even talking to either one makes my skin crawl.  i distract myself from that as much as i can.

thank you for allowing me this space in your journal.  sending you a hug of peace and comfort. 

[Hope66]

Hi San,
I read your reply a couple of days ago, and it meant a lot - I've just popped back today - I think you are spot-on with regard to how difficult it has been for me to share my 'taboo' subjects with people, but how validating it has been to do so, and I think that each time I do so, it helps me to move towards some progress in working things through. 
Thank you again.
Hope 

[Hope66]

To update my Journal today, I have found last week quite tough - but I'm thankful to have got through things and reached the weekend - I really like weekends - except for Bank holiday ones - which last week was - somehow those 'holiday' weekends trigger me - but this weekend is a normal one, and that's been fine. 

I realised a 'theme' from my childhood this week - and I wanted to write about it here - I realise that I have felt 'responsible' for trying to keep my family together - although it would be ridiculous for a little child to be able to do that - and so it's as if I felt I had the 'power' to do that, but was actually 'powerless' - if that makes sense.  I used to do some 'ritual counting' as a small child, and would think that if I didn't do a certain number of repetitions or counting to the number of people in my family - then one of them would disappear.  The irony being that for part of my childhood there were 4 of us - i.e. my parents and my elder sister - and then my elder sister 'disappeared' - noone told me why she didn't live with us, and I always lived as if on 'egg-shells' to ensure that I didn't follow a similar fate to her - I kept counting to 3, and hoping that myself and my parents would be ok.

Anyway, that feeling that it was down to me to keep my FOO 'being ok' has followed me through much of my life - and clearly I couldn't keep things ok - because it was always dysfunctional and it was never 'ok'.  So I was setting myself up for failure from the start, and I could never make things right.

I was re-reading some diary notes I'd made over the past few years - and realised that my FOO had attempted to 'hoover me' back into their control on numerous occasions, but without acknowledging that my feelings mattered - they suggested to me that I was 'ill' - even asking if I had had a 'nervous breakdown' (to use their terminology) - and I suppose that because I haven't been acting how I would have done, under their control, that I must be seen as being abnormal in some way - and no recognising that a lifetime of 'control' would produce someone who finds it hard to break free.

But I 'have' broken free - I am estranged and no longer under their control - although psychologically I think they still reign over me in some ways - and I need to work myself free of those remaining ties - and I have been 'speaking out' about the secrets I was asked to keep - and I am no longer holding those secrets within myself.  It is like putting down a heavy burden, and having some help with unpacking and dealing with those things. 

I am so grateful to the supportive people in this forum, and also to my FOC (family of choice) who have been supportive - of course I wish I could have realised a way to get free many decades ago, but it is never too late - and there is plenty of life left to live - so I hope that I can live those remaining years without carrying the burden of secrets, and that I can discover 'who' I am, 'what I love' and 'how' I would like to live.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  That final paragraph sounds really optimistic and positive, Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think those psychological strings that hold us to foo are the strongest of all, and can be the most difficult to deal with.   kudos to you, hope, for breaking at least some of them by becoming your true you.  such courage and determination!  big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you so much for your lovely comment here - I really appreciate it. 

Journal Entry for today:
I've been 'away' from the forum since 2nd September - or thereabouts - so that's 12 days - I realise I've lost track of time, but that's ok.  I think I suffered a bit from 'over-processing' things - and I think I dissociated quite a bit as a result, but as the week progressed, I felt like I was getting in touch with some really strong emotions - and instead of pushing them aside, I tried to 'let them be' and 'feel them' - rather than intellectualise them - or 'work them out' - the feelings were akin to 'grief' really - feeling upset at how things have 'turned out' -  but also acknowledging that I've accomplished quite a lot in the past few years - in terms of breaking away from my FOO, and beginning to develop as my own person. 

I've also been reading a book by John Bradshaw called 'Family Secrets: The Path from Shame to Healing" and I've nearly finished it - and it is the 2nd time I've read that book.  As is typical, I felt as if I was reading the book for the 'first time' - despite having read it before, and I think it's because I am now 'ready' to accept some of the things written there - and I 'think' that I'm ready to try to do some of the Exercises he recommends in the book - mainly to do with developing a Genogram of my FOO and working out the various 'family secrets' and how they all fit together with my experience.   There's a lot to process in his book, but I think what I need to do is actually try some of the exercises - and I will hope to try to do so.

Interesting that whilst I was reading it, I got headache on the left-hand side of my head - not sure what significance that has, but I am trying to listen to messages that my body might be telling me - knowing how much the "Body remembers" - I want to be open to more things, and not miss anything that might be relevant.

I popped in the forum this morning, and felt 'speechless' - I tried to reply to someone's post, but felt I couldn't 'say anything' - felt tongue-tied, but I did say 'something' - so that was good!

I think I'd also like to take more account of my EF triggers - and look at them more - and maybe keep a diary to see the links between them.  I don't like to be 'hijacked' and not understand where or why it is happening, but I should be used to that by now. 

I feel as I write that, as if some critical voice is scathing about it - but I'm not going to heed that - and I will keep the words I'm writing here - this Journal is important to me, and I want it to be authentic and 'real' - meaningful and something I can look back at and read - and see what was going through my mind.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Just want to say that you seem to be making lots of progress, both in recognising things (e.g. reading book as if for first time because you're now open and ready for the messages; e.g. feeling physical pain and being able to link it to some process) and in allowing the emotions to be and just to sit with them. Yay you!   

[AphoticAtramentous]

I felt like I was getting in touch with some really strong emotions - and instead of pushing them aside, I tried to 'let them be' and 'feel them' - rather than intellectualise them - or 'work them out' - the feelings were akin to 'grief' really - feeling upset at how things have 'turned out' -  but also acknowledging that I've accomplished quite a lot in the past few years - in terms of breaking away from my FOO, and beginning to develop as my own person. 

That's really good to hear, Hope. I'm still trying to figure out how to 'let my emotions be', so I'm impressed you're managing to try all that!

I think I'd also like to take more account of my EF triggers - and look at them more - and maybe keep a diary to see the links between them.  I don't like to be 'hijacked' and not understand where or why it is happening, but I should be used to that by now. 

I had a similar idea myself. It can be really frustrating to be moody and upset over seemingly nothing. Good luck with that diary. ^^

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for your validating comments, which I value a lot.  I missed you too!   

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
Thanks for what you said - I really appreciate it - and I'd like to wish you well with the diary idea - as I know you've thought of it as well - and I hope very much that it goes well. 
I find I am 'full of good intentions' but don't always 'follow through' - so whilst I am talking of attempting these things, I am unsure of how much I'll manage to do - but I feel like it's the only way forward for me - and I feel compelled to keep working on this.

General thoughts for today -  it's a wet and rainy weekend - I feel 'restless' - but it's been ok today - and I am feeling ok.

I'm going to choose a 'diary' to write down some 'associations' and thoughts and feelings - so I need to find something and then hopefully I will begin to 'write something' - I have a feeling I've been 'avoiding' it.  But I feel some sense of compulsion to 'get things out' - and I am hoping to maybe write some more things in the forum, once I am clearer about what those will be.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Wanted to reflect on things now in my Journal.  It's been an emotional weekend really - I had an E-mail from my sister this morning, and it made me feel very emotional - but I think it was in a good way.

She wrote many things, but one of the things was that she wrote:

"She (referring to our M) held on to you too tight and smothered you like a caged bird"

She went on to say:

"Noone was going to take you away from her.  I am so glad that now you have got free.  If you had not broken free you would still be there looking after her, doing what she wanted, never what you wanted.  It was always one-sided."

This made me feel emotional because:
a) my sister acknowledges that I was smothered and that the feeling of being a 'caged bird' - it's very apt.
b) 'smothered' - that's very evocative - and makes me think of how I sometimes feel as if I am struggling to breathe, being literally suffocated by my memories.
c) I feel so validated by my sister in hearing her say that she is glad that I've 'broken free' - because there's still a large part of me that feels I've committed some kind of crime to have broken away from the control of my FOO, and created space around me to breathe and hopefully live my own life.

Her compassion also made me feel almost as if I'd been 'unfaithful' to her by writing about 'Sibling Perspectives' (which I wrote in the FOO part of the forum) - but I am trying to come to terms with so many different factors at that moment.    So many contrasting themes - but they are all connected, and they are beginning to make more sense now that I have my sister's support and can hear her perspective.

So I am very grateful that I managed to find her.  It wasn't easy.  It took me so many years to pluck up the courage to try to find her.  I even doubted whether she actually truely existed - whether she might be dead, all kind of fantasies about her.

As I write this, inner critics shout at me things like 'You're a Drama Queen' - 'you're so melodramatic' - things that I know my M would say about me if she knew I was talking in this way.  Because let's face it, she didn't want me to talk about it, she didn't want me to breathe a word about it, she didn't want me to breathe if it wasn't in a way that was deferential to her - and mirrored her narcissistic needs.

I feel sorry for my M that she needed to keep me so close to her, and she needed to have me so tightly under her control - I wish she could have had friends in her life who could have helped her to develop some more healthy focuses.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing any of this.  But the fact is that I AM writing it, and I am facing up to things that I had tried to put to the back of my mind previously - and I'm trying to understand the motives, and what drives people to behave in particular ways - and sometimes it doesn't make a great amount of sense.

Probably people are just trying to survive and live the best way they can, based on their early experiences, and without some form of challenge - some people can end up going down a path that isn't very nice. 

It annoys me that even talking about this, I am tending to 'sound as if' I'm polite and careful about what I say - and that's because I AM and always have been treading on egg-shells - trying to do and say the right things, and often not say anything at all, because then I'll be ok, and not get a negative reaction.

I'm just going to click on 'post' with this entry, because otherwise I will be tempted to edit or change bits, and I think that writing in a free-flowing way is ok.  I think I can reflect on what I've written another time.

I just know that reading that my sister described me as a 'caged bird' and that she acknowledged that I was 'smothered' and that she thinks it's good that I have broken free - that all means a LOT to me - and I feel very emotional about it. 

Hope 

[Bev1101]

Hi Hope,
Your journal has really touched me. Thanks for sharing so much of your thoughts and feelings.

I find it so hard to cope with coming to terms with CPTSD and the journey of recovery, partly because I think it is so hard for the people who haven't been through it to understand and I don't know anyone in my day to day life who has been through it.
I can relate to much that you have shared. I have a narcissistic father and have gone no contact. The cocktail of emotions of rage, grief, shame and guilt are a journey for sure. I'm reading through Pete Walker's book and trying to process so many feelings.

I'm glad to read that your sister reached out and you felt some understanding from her.
I'm told by a few people who get it it's all about feeling our feelings. I've been feeling my rage for about a year, mornings are when it pops up, just allowing it to be, going to a safe room, breathing into my gut and punching a pillow until I collapse into the grief. That has helped a lot. I've just realised I have this huge well of guilt in my gut now too. The guilt seems to be a part of the inner critic, for example, telling me now that I shouldn't be hogging you journal by talking about myself! But I felt to share with you as you've written so much and I thought maybe it could help.

It's so hard, I'm 37 and only in the last year since becoming a mum have I really started to see just how unhealthy the relationship has been with my parents. That a part of me hasn't separated emotionally. That I don't feel completely able to live my life. That I worry about everyone else (guilt) and feel responsible for everyone else. It hit me last year, when I very very politely asked my parents to not talk over me (almost every sentence was always cut off mid way through) and I got told off for being pompous and got the silent treatment after that. I realised how much I/we still played the same role as when I was a kid. As i started to try to break out of that role, my dad resisted and cut off from me.

I guess I'm trying to say I understand a bit how hard it is trying to reverse an unhealthy role that was imposed on us as kids and then we unknowingly continue it into adulthood. To me it feels like I'm trying to swim against a really strong current. Having to always be careful about what you say/feel/do.  Have you had any further contact/sharing with your sister about it? She sounds like she gets it and hopefully that relationship can really support you now.

take good care
Bev xx

[Hope66]

Hi Bev,
It is lovely to have a reply from you - thank you so much - I would like to Welcome you to the forum, and hope that you'll find it as supportive and helpful a place as I have - and I appreciate all the things you said in your reply - really good to hear you're reading Pete Walker's book - I think it's such a great book.  I've read it a few times now.  I get something more out of it each time.

I can see you've been through a lot - and you described a cocktail of emotions you are dealing with - and I'd like to wish you the best with processing things and working through things - go at a pace that feels right - don't rush anything. 

I do communicate with my sister about our FOO - and it is helping - definitely.  Good to hear her perspective on things, and share my own. 

Thanks for your message, and I hope to see you round and about in the forum - take care and have a good weekend.

Hope