Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

There was me, thinking about my 'lists' 'my plans' and my 'lack of direction' - and now I ended up going to bed and sleeping for about 2 hours.  Before I fell asleep, I felt such a 'low feeling' - deep in the pit of my stomach - felt all-encompassing, felt 'hopeless' - but I just allowed myself to 'ride that feeling out' and I fell asleep, and now I have woken, had some food, and I feel ok.

[Blueberry]

Yay Hope  Way to go. Sometimes allowing ourselves to simply sleep is healing in the long-term and helpful in the short-term.

[Hope66]

Thanks so much, Blueberry - your support means a lot.

I am going to attempt to write more about myself today, because I think it will help me to move forward if I am more open and honest with how things are.  If anyone reads this, and wants to comment, then please do – as I would value feedback. 

My parents have never been honest with me.  They have expected and encouraged me to say that I am an only child, with no brothers or sisters, and I have been too scared to challenge this, and have gone along with it, for most of my life.

But I remember that I have an older sister – but I don't remember much about her.  I last saw her when I was 8 years old, and I've not seen her since.  I didn't know if she was alive or dead, but I hoped that she was out there somewhere, and I hoped she'd try to find me.  She never did.  But I have found out that she didn't look for me, because she thought I was ok, and that she assumed that the whole FOO didn't want her in our lives, including me.  She had been made to believe she was the unwanted child in our family.

Even talking about the fact I have a sister – which I only did maybe 2 or 3 times – caused me to cry, and I think that's because it felt traumatic to think about her and talking about her had always been 'taboo'. 

The last time I saw my FOO, (my parents), which is a few years ago now,  I mentioned my sister – and the reaction felt 'catastrophic' in its intensity.    They refused to talk about her or what had happened.

I've been NC with my FOO for a few years now, and a couple of years ago, I contacted an organization who helped me to find my sister, and over the past year I have been in regular contact with her via E-mail.  We've also sent Birthday cards for the first time that I can ever remember!  This is a positive thing, but it has also meant facing lots of emotions and feelings.  But I think it's real progress in understanding some things about my FOO, and filling in some of the missing pieces.

***Possible Triggers  TW regarding abuse****
My sister has told me how things were from her perspective, and I have been shocked by her experiences.  She was definitely the scape-goated child in the family – she experienced a range of abuse – physical, sexual, emotional - she told me that she was treated badly in so many ways.  She was also away for periods of time in Children's homes, which was why my memories of her are so sketchy – she literally wasn't at home for much of our childhood.

It took me about 4 decades to 'get away' from my FOO, whereas she 'escaped' from their 'lack of care' when she was just 16 years old.  She has had a very tough life, but she told me that she feels free.

I am still trying to find that sense of freedom, as I still feel 'guilty' for breaking away from them, and leaving their excessive control behind. 

What is difficult for me at the moment is that I feel sure that my sister thinks I was the Golden Child in the family, because she thought I got 'everything I wanted' – yes, I did have many material gifts from my FOO, and it would have appeared as if I was the child that they wanted, whereas she was the child they didn't want – but I feel as if I have been imprisoned for decades, and I feel bad for allowing myself to take that role.    It's tough to try to support her through her own memories, but also to look after myself. 

But never knowing what had happened to her – knowing I last saw her when I was just 8 years old, and having memories of the tension and angst that was around when I was small, it made the little me very very scared – and I was therefore trying to be a 'good daughter' to escape whatever fate I thought had happened to my sister.  Noone told me what had happened to her.  Noone talked about her.  Infact sometimes I wondered if I'd 'imagined' her – and if she was even a real person.  I am so glad that she is a real person, and that she does exist.

I'm glad I've managed to write this, and to share it here in this journal.  I think that's a positive step, but it also feels like a big step, so I hope I cope ok with having shared it.   Thank you for reading this, it feels good to no longer be alone with all of this.    I have a supportive partner, but it's good to share it with people in the forum, as I know you'll understand.

Hope 

[Lingurine]

Dear Hope, how brave of you to write this down. I can only imagine how awful this must have been. Not knowing where your sister went and being feared that the same thing might happen to you. I'm so sorry for that. So brave of you also, to find her! Maybe it's an idea to meet her in person and share some of your experiences about childhood. It might help you going forward. The isolation you feel, she must have felt too.

I hope you keep writing about this.

Lingurine

[Wife#2]

Hope, I am so sorry for what you had to survive. I can't imagine the feelings of doubt and betrayal. I have sisters who are that much older and who were in the home to adulthood, still I don't have a lot of memories of them. Their experiences of Mom and Dad are completely different than mine. So, I hope this helps you not feel bad that you have very sketchy memories of her from childhood. Even more so since she was sent out of the home so often.

Writing about this - and not deleting it - was very brave. This is a scab on your childhood. Being told to deny reality and maintain the family lie was a tremendous burden to put on a child. It's completely logical that this family lie terrified you. Along with everything else you survived, this is one more layer of abuse, and a pretty big one at that!

to little Hope, who was terrified and got lies instead of comfort.  To adult Hope, who showed bravery finding your sister and trying to build a relationship with her.

[Hope66]

Lingurine & Wife2 - Thank you both for your comments, and your supportive and lovely replies - I read them yesterday, and felt emotional, but in a good way, because it meant a lot that you validated my experiences, and said what you said.  Thank you both.   

It's a huge relief to have finally put that information 'out there' - because essentially to 'keep family secrets' is such a burden, especially on a small child, and you're right, that it's not fair to ask a child to keep a lie like that.

Hope 

[Hope66]

It's the weekend and I am feeling quite emotional today - I can't really identify the triggers, but I wanted to write in my Journal here, because it usually helps me to do that - and I am glad it's here - as a 'safe haven' to come to. 

I know it was a big step for me to share more of my personal circumstances in this forum - and I don't regret that at all - it was a step I should have taken years ago - to be more open and honest about what was happening in my life, and I do wish I had been able to do that, but I had felt 'bound and gagged' - in so many ways. 

Language is a fascinating thing - I've written that, and now I'm surprised to see the choice of words that came out - they are so visceral and physical in meaning, and I wonder why certain themes come when we're writing. 

I think amongst my emotions today - there is a sense of 'grief' but also some 'anger' below the surface.  I don't access my anger very often, it is normally repressed away, and I guess I don't like it that I can feel it bubbling away underneath. 

I wrote about a dream I had in another part of this forum, and the fact that part of me had felt 'mischevious' at the thought of my M chasing me in her car - but not finding me in the dream.  The inner critic in me ended up pursuing me for a while after I wrote that, telling me I was horrible for laughing at my M in a dream.  That's the thing, I have such 'guilt' at the same time as knowing that a relationship with my FOO is un-tenable. 

I think I need to look at what 'guilt' means - and why I feel 'guilty'.  I think I need to look at that, and try to understand it.

I recommended Pete Walker's book to another forum member today - and you know, I'm already thinking - "I can't remember what he said in the book" - and yet I've read it and re-read it about 3 times in total.   I feel like I should know what's in the book, and have 'sorted myself out' by reading it, but I know that it's not that simple - I've read lots of books over the years, and I search for things to help me reflect and understand, and yet I can often feel directionless with it.

I am pleased to be writing this here, because I am going to 'leave that feeling' here, and hopefully try to focus on something - and then I will find some direction for a while.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope66]

Thanks so much 3 Roses 

So, I just wanted to reflect on how I've been feeling this past couple of days - I've noticed that I am more emotional - but in respect to feeling 'annoyed' by things that wouldn't normally bother me, and that I've felt like I want to 'eat more' - and seek out comforting foods - but I have managed to stop myself doing that - and I've kept busy with my work and also tried to do more in the evenings as well - and so far - so good.  I am doing ok.

I discovered that I had awakened an angry 'inner critic' - or 'outer critic' - not sure which - not sure of the terms I should use there, but basically some very 'critical part' of me was awakened - and I know that was because I shared some personal things in the forum - and previously I would never do something like that for fear of some kind of 'retribution' - but basically - what can happen?  I doubt my FOO would ever find their way here, and even if they did, all I've talked about is things that anyone should be able to discuss with anyone of their choosing. 

It is my choice to share that - and my choice to speak out about how I am thinking and feeling about things. 

That should be a freedom that any person has - throughout their life - the right to be authentic, and true to their own feelings and thoughts.  Not to have to repress things, keep them inside, be controlled and assume some kind of outward facade - which is how I felt obliged to be for much of the time. 

A chance to relax, talk about things, open up - be free. 

This forum enables that sharing and validation - and is precious.  A safe haven where people understand.  I appreciate each and every person who comes here - I often read replies and posts and see such strength and courage in people. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Just wanted to reflect on the past few days - I've found it harder to cope this week - in that I've been feeling more emotional, and experiencing some feelings of what I can only describe as 'grief' - feelings of intense sadness, mixed with some anger, and some frustration too. 

I am used to dissociating more, and I certainly have experienced that as well - and it reached a point where I thought I was going to faint or lose my consciousness at a couple of points, but I managed to calm myself and I felt I recovered after a bit.  I was able to see that I'd triggered that by reading a letter from a friend, and I had realised she'd written some very emotive things - which when I'd first read the letter I had somehow 'failed to see' - and that bothers me, that I could basically be 'blind' to what she had written - as if my brain had 'shut off' and 'refused to see it' - and I felt so strongly 'touched' by the words in her letter, that it made me feel very very emotional as a result.

Whilst I feel as if this all represents a difficulty in coping, I realise that it is probably a 'healthier' way for me - in that I am finally 'feeling' things more - and thankfully that also includes some positive feelings too - I found myself being really involved in the experience of enjoying the scenery - the leaves in the garden, the flowers, and thinking how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful world that has such beautiful things - like flowers and leaves and trees.

So it's been a 'mixed' week of 'mixed emotions' - but I feel 'better for feeling more intensively' - and I think I've dissociated less frequently - although my experience of nearly fainting frightened me a bit, as I've not experienced that much before.  Maybe it was something else, I'm not sure.

I've had some dreams the past few nights as well - with themes of 'hiding things' from my FOO - and trying to 'evade being seen by them' - and it almost felt like I was in some kind of film - as if it wasn't really real - just a 'drama' unfolding kind of thing.  Weird.  Then last night's dream was about a city that was under water, and it was like a tragedy - and I felt that death was likely - it was scary, but somehow I survived it all.  I was relieved when I finally woke and realised it wasn't true.  That one had been more 'realistic' - and therefore more believable in my mind.

I've had strong urges to over-eat, but somehow I've managed to fight those off, and I haven't resorted to food - I've tried to do other things - and doing some exercise is helping.  So I hope that I can continue with that, as a way of coping.

There have been occasions when I've felt 'like a small child' and as if I am very 'dependent' and 'can't look after myself' - which is strange as I am definitely an adult, and I can look after myself - but I feel as if somehow noone really 'regards me' as an adult - and that they assume I'm still a child.   As if they overlook me.  Actually, I think I'm assuming that they 'take me for granted' - and I'm wondering where those thoughts are coming from, because the reality of that is that they probably don't treat me that way.  It is just me thinking that they do.

As I write this, there is a 'critical voice' which says "What are you doing?  You're writing jibberish.  Who can understand what you're going on about" - but I will not edit this, I will leave it as it is - because I have written it, and I wanted to allow my thoughts to 'free-flow' a bit in this journal today.  And that is what I'm doing.

But I need to go now, so I'll go.  Someone has just come in, and I need to go.

Hope 

[Candid]

Then last night's dream was about a city that was under water, and it was like a tragedy - and I felt that death was likely - it was scary, but somehow I survived it all.  I was relieved when I finally woke and realised it wasn't true. 

Yes, Hope66. Somehow you survived it all. A psychiatrist recently told me the content of a dream is largely irrelevant; the feelings within the dream are the message: you were scared, in danger, and death seemed likely. But you survived, not even noticing how you did it.

Your journal shows you're in the process of waking, and beginning to see that the things your M taught you about yourself weren't true.

[Hope66]

Hi Candid,
Thank you so much for your reply - it is really helpful, and I will concentrate more on the 'feelings' in dreams - in attempting to work out their meaning. 
Yes, I think you're right that I am 'waking' in many ways, and becoming more in tune with my feelings and thoughts, as opposed to dissociating/blocking/avoiding them.  It is a positive process, although it has its ups and downs too. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Yes .. I am 'waking' in many ways, and becoming more in tune with my feelings and thoughts, as opposed to dissociating/blocking/avoiding them.   

Yay for you Hope! 

[Hope66]

Thank you Blueberry  - I appreciate your     

So, here I am today - feeling a bit directionless with what to do - feeling more triggered so far this week - and it's only Monday...  I'm reading yet another book - this one is by Paul Gilbert and it's called 'The Compassionate Mind' - and so far it's very good.  It's about learning to be compassionate to myself and to other people.  Learning to be Mindful and to do things Mindfully.  I relate to some of the things he's saying.  I think he writes a lot of sense.

Emotionally - I am getting more in touch with what I'd describe as a mix of feelings - some grief for the loss of the 'normal' relationships that most people have - and learning and understanding more about the differences for me in terms of growing up with a narcissistic mother - how my autonomy and sense of individuality was compromised by that, and I tried hard to be a 'people-pleaser' to the detriment of my own freedom.

I also feel quite a bit of 'guilt' and 'shame' - because I feel like I should have continued the facade that we were a 'happy family' - because my going NC with them has meant that the happy facade is broken.  I feel responsible for that in many  ways, and as if I've broken a taboo - and that I should have stayed strong and got through things. 

But I was crumbling inside, and much of my strength was ambushed by the toxicity of it all - the sheer blackness and fear of being engulfed by it. 

I broke away, and I escaped.  My sister did that years ago, as soon as she could.  I've found out that she was essentially raised by our Grandparents - whereas I was raised by our parents - and comparing our experiences I realise she appears to have come to terms with things much better than I have.  She is living her life without excessive ruminations, whereas I have been ruminating for the past few years - infact probably my entire life trying to make sense of things, and understand what went on, and why things happened as they did.

Whilst I'm writing this, I can feel that I am in touch with some anger about this. 

Little me wonders why my sister didn't come back for me - and help me to escape.  She left me - I feel abandoned by that, but I expect she needed to escape and didn't look back.

If only people had talked to me and explained things - I could have understood, but I know that they weren't capable of talking about things, or expressing things in a reasonable way.  It was dysfunctional, it was covert, it was all things hidden.

I feel a massive rush of emotion as I write this - like I want to sob, but it can't get out. 

I think I know the way forward for me, and I think I need to do some 'writing of letters' - to share my emotions and my feelings, and I hope to do that in the forum, in the 'Letter section' - but I need to ensure I am 'safe' and 'stable' enough to do that - so maybe later in the week, when I am a bit less busy.  I'll work up to it.  The time will be right, and then I'll do it.  So I'm writing it now, so I know my plan of action, and I'm glad I wrote today in my Journal - as a way forward has presented itself.  I felt directionless, and now I know what I will do.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Just wanted to update my journal - I've shared a letter to my M in the 'Recovery Letters' section, and it was called 'I Feel Torn' - and it took me a few days to post it after I'd written it - but it was my partner who encouraged me to share it, as he said 'Why not' - maybe you need to see what people say, and I am glad I did, because 3Roses and Blueberry both validated my feelings, and that felt positive and meaningful to me. 

I feel as if I've been experiencing more EF's since I posted it, because I feel quite panicky and I've been feeling horrible sinking feelings - difficult to describe really - but I don't like the feelings.  But it's not all the time, and I am able to distract myself and ground myself too.  It's worse at night-time, but that is usual for me - I think night-time can be challenging as it's dark, and the mind can wander off more. 

I've been reading a book about Compassion, and it has been helpful so far.  It talks about Acceptance of feelings, rather than challenging them - or at least that is what I took away from it - the book talks about many things - but as usual I am reading quickly through it, and not really 'doing' any of the exercises - I really think there's part of me that is scared of 'feeling too much' - and I guess that's good, as I'm pacing myself - rather than rushing into anything.

Now, I'm sitting here and wondering what to write - and nothing is coming to mind.  I'm sitting and thinking - what am I feeling right now?  I feel anxious - like there's a lump in my throat and I feel thirsty. 

I got triggered by something today, and felt very tearful - but now that I think back to it, I can't remember what it was that specifically triggered that. 

I do feel that writing a 'letter' regarding my feelings is a useful process - but it's a painful one too - but at the same time, I'm glad I'm working on that, as I think it is helpful to me. 

I'm repeating myself now, so I'll stop writing.  But I'm glad I wrote something here today - I think it's also a good process to keep up with this Journal. 

Hope