Abandonment fear (May trigger)

[Manchesterford]

I'm struggling with some abandonment stuff. I'm separated from my BPD partner. She is having treatment and I'm working on me. We are apart. I have been alone now for 5 months. I am going to need to check back in with her soon to see where she is at but I'm terrified. It triggers something.  I'm scared he will say it's definitely over and I will be alone. Which is stupid because I am alone! But the thought is so terrifying, it induces palpitations,  nausea and panic attacks.

What is going on?

[Jdog]

This sounds quite terrifying, and I think your emotional and physical reactions are completely understandable.  Although I am not apart from my partner, I also suffer from abandonment fears and have these symptoms despite evidence that I am living with another.  I think the thing is to try not to abandon ourselves.  I have made unwise choices in my life due to fear of being abandoned, and truthfully am continuing to live with the consequences of those choices even now. 

It is hard to understand how we abandon ourselves as a result of having been abandoned in the past, but I think it really is the case.  Hang in there; whatever happens between you and your partner, know that you can be ok so long as you are kind to yourself.  It is not easy, I know. 

My very best wishes and kind thoughts go out to you at this difficult time.

[sanmagic7]

i think the thoughts that you are separated now and that you might be separated permanently are two very  different things, and could easily cause the experiences you are having.  if this was a temporary separation due to one partner working to get well enough to be able to have a happily functional relationship with the other, the result can definitely be up in the air and very frightening.   who can ever tell how mental health and recovery work is going to go with any individual? 

there is always the possibility of changing your perspective about an outcome that means the two of you will no longer be partners.  it may be that more time is needed, that the partner wasn't willing or able to do the work required to become an individual who can be emotionally safe to be with, or that with the recovery process comes the realization that the two of you simply aren't a good fit.  these don't necessarily have to belong to an abandonment category if you can change the way you look at the possibilities.  i'm not saying that's easy, just that sometimes, in my own experience, i've had to do just that in order to make it as easy as possible for myself to get through future outcomes.

i also liked the idea of not abandoning yourself no matter what.  that's so important.  best to you in making it through all this, and hopefully you will find yourself being ok with whatever happens. 

[Manchesterford]

Thank you both. I often forget how dreadful the situation is and find myself beating myself up or questioning why this is so hard but I can now recognise that the situation is just very hard.

I really need to focus on self care. That is clear.

Fx