Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Not Alone]

I KNOW the Christian homemaking books say that the wife is supposed to get up first, have her "quiet time" or "devotional time" and then fix breakfast for everyone

I laughed aloud when I read this because I could probably count on one hand the times that has happened in my family. I've read those books too, but it isn't in the Bible. Don't put that pressure on yourself. It is just a person's idea of what a "good Christian wife" is supposed to look like.

Our preacher has been talking a lot about current events lately, particularly a couple of horrific acts of violence  that have happened in the USA.  We have people in our congregation that are very disturbed by what happened.  But as much as I want to support people, I have a limited amount of time and energy, physically and emotionally.  But, if I don't put forth the energy to listen to people's concerns and get educated on those concerns, I fear being told that "you don't care about the people you attend church with."

I have many friends on both sides of the fence with VERY strong opinions. When I have the energy, I listen (or read on facebook). A lot of times I don't have the energy. Just doing life, getting through each day is often all I can do. Having limits and boundaries doesn't mean you don't care.

[sanmagic7]

 

[alliematt]

I'm sure there are plenty of things contributing to this latest bout of depression/anxiety, but the two things that kicked it off were thinking that my husband was going to wake up and want sex, and then hearing my son stomping around on his bedroom floor (which is our living room ceiling).

From there, it spiraled into the subjects my brain obsesses on; and when my tools for work don't work, that does not help, either.  (I finished my latest job yesterday.  I asked husband to take son to his appointment today.).

Today I weighed myself and I'm totally ashamed of myself.  I feel and look like a fat slob.

[alliematt]

Had a chat with my husband last night and told him that it helps me with sex when I think of something that I can look forward to, rather than something where i have to drop everything and do it right then.

He gave me a very interesting answer:

"Sometimes you need to tell me no." 

In other words, if I'm not up to it or it's not a good time, he needs to know that so we can plan for sex another time. 

[alliematt]

(Religious/spiritual content, use appropriate care when reading.)

I read online this morning that a very prominent evangelist/Christian teacher died.  I'm having a rough time with all of the tributes to his life because I also know that he groomed and then abused a young woman, and that also, he lied about certain credentials — he claimed to have studied at a particular university when he didn't, and he used the title "Dr." when his "doctorate" was an honorary one. 

I have a hard time these days trusting so called "Christian" leaders because it seems that so many of them have been caught in abuse or other unethical behavior, and if they themselves are not guilty of unethical behavior, they support those who have been in the name of "believing the best about someone" and "you need to forgive the person because unforgiveness is a sin."  (Spiritual abuse is part of my own C-PTSD and I hope I'm not discussing it here in ways that are violating forum guidelines.)

[woodsgnome]

  for sharing your concerns about these.

I can only say a couple of things as this sort of thing tips me past my boiling point. Briefly, all of my schooling 'til college was more of a survival trek through multiple abuses at the hands of people who hid their perversities behind the holy garb which made them appear respectable. I could write tons, but don't have the stomach for it right now.

I somehow survived, and surprisingly live with a much healthier spirituality these days. Looking back, my time with the early stuff did result in one positive for me -- I had a front-row seat finding out how those sorts carry out some awfully perverse and damaging activity behind their holy disguises. It probably helped me build better discernment, or what I now call my Spiritual Phoniness Detector. When I recall the perpetrators I call them the Gawdawfuls.

There are so many variations to religion/spirituality. The trouble is these sorts who use their 'act' to hide their true selves.

[alliematt]

Like all of us, I'm dealing with the fallout of current events from the last month on top of the coronavirus.  (In good news, my husband is now working at home.  Yay!)

Last week, on a FB group devoted to C-PTSD, the owner said that since that was a place to heal, he wasn't going to allow discussion of certain current events.  I think our group here has the same rules.  This caused a nasty reaction from a lot of people, demanding to know, how can we heal if we can't talk about what's bugging us? 

I finally posted that I was going to take a break from current events . . . and then was told that "the fact that you can take a break just shows your privilege.  People like me (i.e. their ethnicity) can't take a break." 

That group is now on a 30-day snooze.

Now I feel guilty for even wanting to "take a break" and not dive into current events discussions, read anything on current events, because "if the main people being affected can't get a break, why should you?  What makes you so special?"

I have not gone to a protest although I've supported people who have protested.  To be honest, trying to explain some of this stuff to my son in a way he can understand is draining enough.  And a well-meaning relative ordered me to "stop listening to the news", but I live near an area that was *directly affected* by violence not too long ago.  I don't think it's wise to just plain stop listening.

[Not Alone]

It is healthy for you to take care of yourself in the way that seems best for you. Personally, there are times that getting through the day is all I can manage. I cannot bear the weight of the pain of the world. You're not doing anything wrong by taking a break from media.

[alliematt]

Notalone, that's exactly what I think.  It's not wrong to take a break from media and to practice some decent self care.

[alliematt]

I had a bad dream last night that ended with me asking two of the boys who bullied me as a child, "What did I do to you to make you hate me so much?"

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt - sorry that you had a bad dream last night, but you were so assertive to ask that question of your bullies, and I just wanted to say that I think that is a brave thing. 

I also wanted to say that I admire the fact you have put a snooze button on the group you spoke about, because you're looking after yourself and practising self-care, and that's so positive.  I do the same thing from time to time, taking a break from as many technology things as I can - I've not done it for a while, but it is helpful when I do it.   I hope it's helpful for you too.
Hope 

[alliematt]

Thank you, Hope!

[alliematt]

Last night I dealt with stress by eating.  I cooked an entire box of macaroni and cheese, mixed with a a can of salmon, and ate all of it.  And I didn't care.  I'm obese, need to watch weight and eating . . . and it's just too exhausting.  I wrote an email to someone this morning, and that was what I just kept saying, over and over again.  "I'm exhausted."  I have to go to work right now, and my son has just interrupted me talking about Jeopardy, and he just keeps obsessing on it and I am tired of hearing about it.  I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I do believe and what I am "supposed" to believe.  I know there are others who are more exhausted than I am, but why can't I be exhausted, too?

[alliematt]

(Very small dose of politics, practice self-care as necessary.)

I put a post on a political board this morning, and part of it read, my husband doesn't tell me who to vote for; we respect each other's decisions.

Someone asked me, why do you feel it necessary to say that your husband doesn't tell you who to vote for? 

Instead of explaining, I asked back, "Why do you feel it necessary to ask me that question?" 

I'm still surprised at myself for asking back rather than answering a question that I didn't think was the person's business.

[Blueberry]

  Good for you, Allie!