Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Husband is temporarily back at work. 

I have had this horrible feeling lately of just total powerlessness over anything.  I don't know what I believe anymore.  I don't know what I am supposed to believe.  It's impossible to figure out the truth about anything.  What is wrong with me?

[alliematt]

On Saturday (yes, Saturday!) I have a psychiatrist appointment.   I'm going to ask for a change or tweak on my meds.  Twice in the last few weeks I've had horrible depression that's had me sobbing on the phone to my BFF.  When I get triggered, my brain goes whacko and I start spiraling downward into depression.  Then the OCD loop kicks in.

I am finally starting to identify "triggers" as "triggers".  One is, feeling like I can't get a word in edgewise in a conversation (and then, thinking that people are ignoring or interrupting me on purpose.)  Another is feeling powerless in the face of certain political/cultural trends.  Another is arguments about the "right" thing to do in religion.

I can't necessarily avoid triggers.  What I need to learn is how to handle them.

My counselor wrote a note to give to my pdoc saying that she's wondering if a trial of a certain med would help me.  I'm going to hand that to him and say, what do you think?

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry for your really bad depression but good news that you get to see pdoc quite soon!

Good going on starting to identify what triggers you    Not that it's fun or anything, but it's progress forwards!

[alliematt]

Doc increased my lamotrignine (Lamictal) to 100 mgs.  I took my first dose last night and woke up this morning very groggy.  So I'm staying in today because I was afraid to drive.  He also gave me a prescription for Klonopin to use in case of emergency. 

So far I have not had an "emergency" of spiraling downward into a sea of drowning depression.  Which is good.  At the moment, I am sane and sober.  (I will now take a 10-second pause for everyone to ask, "Oh, really?"  )

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

I have actually been feeling better lately!  Maybe it is the higher dosage of lamotrigine that did it.  I hope so.  I have no illusions about being "cured" or "healed", but I am enjoying a good day.  I had a counseling session and then I went to the fabric store for some "self-care". 

[alliematt]

Just waving hello!  I got an adjustment on my meds recently (upped my dose of Lamotrignine, generic of Lamitcal) and I think it has helped.  I am not "cured"; I have my bouts of depression but they're not so bad.  Doc also gave me an "as necessary" prescription of Klonopin that I've used about two-three times. 

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

[Three Roses]

So glad you're feeling better! Sometimes, at least for some of us, meds are the key that unlocks a whole new world. That was certainly the case for me back when I first started Prozac.

Your name change kinda threw me for a minute, I was all like "Who's hijacking alliematt's journal?!?" Had to go back and check! Haha! Anyway glad you're feeling better! ❤

[alliematt]

Oh, Lord.  I need to go back and change that.  But enjoyed your laughing emoji reaction!!!

Edited to add:  Name change was changed.  I'm glad I checked that. 

[alliematt]

My brain has been thoroughly fried the last few days.  I've been sick with a virus and I think I'm finally feeling better. 

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

 

Tense, stressed, and angry!  Too much to do.  Don't know what to drop.  A friend agrees with me that I have too much to do, but that I won't ask for help because I've already decided that people will say no.

The fact is, I HAVE asked for help in the past, and people HAVE said no (especially when it comes to babysitting our son), and when you hear "no" often enough, you give up trying.  I don't think this person gets that. 

Snapped at my husband, got mad at my friend, and even my son commented on my attitude. 

[Three Roses]

You are free to express your frustration. It is not up to anyone but you to decide what you feel. Hugs to you. 

[alliematt]

I finished the work I needed to do yesterday and said I wouldn't take work today.  My son has an appointment.

I saw an article today about someone who has PTSD as a result of raising a medically fragile child.  My son isn't medically fragile in the sense that he has a several physical condition, but autism is draining in other ways. 

Could this be my problem, in addition to dealing with bullying and spiritual abuse? 

Is a feeling of being totally overwhelmed and totally tense a symptom of PTSD and C-PTSD? 

My friend on Saturday told me that I wouldn't ask for help because I'd already decided people would say "no".  The fact is, I HAVE had people say "no".  I HAVE had to deal with Medicaid denials, and red tape, and doctor's appointments.  I'm mentally exhausted.  When I told my friend this, she said that "past performance isn't necessarily an indicator of future performance."   

Do people NOT understand that when you hear "no" over and over, you stop asking?

I AM afraid of asking and being told "no".  I should not be afraid, but I AM AFRAID.  I am afraid of hearing "no" in such a way that I'm sorry I asked in the first place, or of hearing "yes" in a way that makes me feel guilty I asked for help.  So it's better to go it alone or with my husband.

Part of what plays into this fear is:  1.  I had two occasions where I asked my mother about spending time with someone.  The first occasion was when I asked if I could spend the night with the family who lived next door to my aunt and uncle.  Her response:  a very sharp, "No!"  (I now understand that she said no because she didn't know the people or the family.  She had a good reason to say no.  But I also remember the sharpness.)  2.  I gathered up all my courage to ask if I could go over to a friend's house, and my mother said no.  Again, I'm sure she had a good reason for saying no . . . but those two refusals did it for me.  I started being afraid to ask for anything.  And I should not have been afraid to ask my mother if I could go to a friend's house. 

What also plays into the fear is that in the abusive church, we were expected to ask people to church, Bible studies, etc.  We were expected to have visitors and asked how many people we invited.  We were even expected to invite total strangers to church and/or Bible study.  I got plenty of "nos" when inviting people.  And I can remember several group meetings where we were hammered on for not inviting people.  When you have the fear of hearing no anyway, and when you have the fear of getting yelled at when you don't have visitors or don't live up to people's expectations, yes, you ARE going to stop asking. 

I am afraid of being yelled at.  That's what it all boils down to.  And I have good reasons to be afraid of being yelled at because I WAS yelled at as a child.  That was the way my mother disciplined.  I am trying to be fair and trying to understand that my mother probably didn't know any better.  But combine being yelled at at home with being bullied at school and THEN going away to college and getting into a church where they yelled at you for not being evangelistic enough, and then throw in a kid with autism later in life, yeah, I think that's a good reason to feel overwhelmed.   AND, combine that with being told that if you fight back, you will be punished and the bullies will not be AND with the verses in the Bible that tell you to "turn the other cheek", and you have a recipe for total and complete disaster.

What in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with me that I can't get better?

[Not Alone]

Hearing your feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed.