Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

wife#2 you are always so supportive and understanding.. even when it feels like I'm in a case or remember things that just seem so unrelatable for other people.

I've still been feeling really emotionally distant and dealing with EFs here and there. I'm still getting used to identifying them (not much luck in getting out of it purposefully). Yesterday in the morning I was having another fit about The Summer of Unending Invalidation and had another imagined conversation with my brother. Then at night, I had a fit about Saturday when I got my birthday presents. I was talking to my brother about something, and kind of going on and on trying to explain something, and he was looking like he didn't care what I was talking about. I was trying to address that and stumbled on my words, and he ended up saying "I'm not even listening to what you're talking about."

Then I had imagined it had gone differently.

Me: *hurt and annoyed* You're not funny.
Br: *silent*
Me: *trying to hide sadness* I'm gonna go upstairs now and play with my new tablet

Then I got so angry. Again angry-sad.

Why!! Why would he say that kind of thing to me?! He really didn't care about any of the stuff I said to him this summer. He really doesn't care. Why doesn't he care about me? Why doesn't he think the stuff he says can and has hurt me a lot?

those were just a couple of thoughts while I was doing my hair for today. I was so angry I had to sit down and I was staring at a glass cup on my small makeshift shelf next to my bed and for 5 minutes considered swiping it off across the room. I never did but I wonder if that would have made me feel better or release some anger at least.

And then today, I woke up from a dream. Two dreams. The first i was in a grocery store (what's new, honestly..) but the second one. I was a younger child. Maybe 8 or 10. And my dad was with me. It was spring time so the scenery was flowery and slightly vibrant. He was nice to me. And gentle. I don't remember him speaking much. We were on our way to a flower competition of some sort. As we walked up the hill to the building, he held my hand and we playfully walked around each other, switching hands. I made sort of waves or dolphin movements with my free hand, feeling so free and relaxed.

When we got inside, the room was open to a outdoor courtyard that looked like a miniature meadow. The wind was blowing through the grass as my dad and I sat on the ledge of a wall. I turned the other way, and when I turned back, my brother was sitting next to me. I asked when he got there, and he said something like "I've been here" or "I saw your tweet/post." and then my dream ended there.

I woke up kind of in shock and started to cry for a moment.

It's confusing. Why I would dream something like that. I want nothing more than to be free from all of them, free of obligation and guilt and into a comforting space. I don't want them to change. It's just way too late for it to have any impact on me, and yet I have this dream. And dreams say a lot about what I want and this just can't be right.

[Wife#2]

It's ok to have loving or kind memories of your parents and your brother. In your dreams, they CAN be how they ought to have been. Not every day was a drudge and not every memory is tainted. That's allowed. It's also allowed that, in the midst of wanting your freedom, you imagine a better life had things been different. Yes, it makes reality harder sometimes, but it can also help you to relax.

Treasure the kindness you felt in that dream. You deserve and little you deserved that. If it's a memory couched in a dream, treasure it all the more. Just because they could be, and sometimes were, kind doesn't mean you are a bad person for needing to separate from them to get well. It just means they are complex humans like the rest of us. Capable of great good and great evil. Just as we all are.

Maybe think of it like this, if I poked you in the arm most every time I walked by you, you'd hate it and wish I'd stop, right? But, if you suddenly remember the week that I patted your arm instead of poking it, does that make you a bad person for still wanting to get away from me? Of course not! Because the likelihood is still that I will poke you next time I see you. The chance that I'll pat your arm is very small, too small to base your decisions on.

HUGS to you. It's ok to think kindly of them and still want to get away. That is the natural order of things, regardless of good or bad treatment. There is no room for guilt in the natural, healthy flow of life. It simply is what it is. It's life. And you ARE getting better at managing it. HUGS

[tea-the-artist]

It's ok to have loving or kind memories of your parents and your brother. In your dreams, they CAN be how they ought to have been. Not every day was a drudge and not every memory is tainted. That's allowed.
...
You deserve and little you deserved that.
...
Just because they could be, and sometimes were, kind doesn't mean you are a bad person for needing to separate from them to get well. It just means they are complex humans like the rest of us. Capable of great good and great evil. Just as we all are.

I think I understand what you mean. And I think for once, even just a tiny bit, I understand the words emotionally. I've been constantly remembering and thinking about all the bad things and it's gotten me very stressed out. Often brings with it strong EFs. I think I understand why, that I felt and feel like if I started thinking about the good times, it would be like I would forget everything bad. I know as a complex person, that wouldn't make sense...

But I'm so scared and afraid of it. Being a fawn type that is easily swayed by good things attempting to overshadow the bad. I'm afraid that if I start to remember good things, or kindfully treasure and acknowledge them, then it will feel like I don't at all want to leave. And that it'll make it even harder to  leave. Every time I feel content here, when nothing is going wrong, not EFs happening, it feels like I've stepped backwards and have to relearn everything. That I have to reteach myself and remind myself of all the bad things that happened that causes all the bad things I currently experience.

And it happens so often. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm actually in the cycle right now and have been for the last year. Bad thing/s happen. Get angry or upset. EF. Good thing happens. Feel content. Feel confused. Remind self of bad thing. Get Angry or upset. EF. Rinse repeat.

I think the guilt is coming back. Or resurfacing, and hasn't actually been gone like I thought.

Guilt to my family. Remembering good things (possibly being able to feel kind about the memories), and yet I want to move out and away from them.

Guilt to myself. Remembering good things (possible kindness), yet I know they are traumatizing people whose traumatizing words and actions cause me all the pain I deal with right now.

I do feel bad to have good memories. This dream and my immediate reaction to it showed how bad I felt. I think it was a reaction to the guilt I have about myself and not them. Like I betrayed myself, for deep down honestly wanting a kinder relationship with my dad. Writing that made me tear up.. So I guess it is true that I'm sad I can't have that. Truly sad. Maybe I feel like he is changeable despite him being a unchangeable narcissist. The despite knowing, and having verbal PROOF that he cannot change "So what?!" in response to "It upsets me when you always said you didnt care about my feelings, and didn't care if I cried." despite the proof no one wants to change for me, I still feel sad and possibly in denial about it. Well maybe if I do [fawn tendency] or say [fawn tendency] it could be better. I know that's not true.

I know it's very complex and we all are. Knowing all these stuff, being more aware of when I'm in an EF... I still can't leave because my feelings towards my family are complex. I don't even think I honestly hate any of them. But I hate all the things they've done and said, but I hate thinking of them as bad people. But I hate thinking of them as good people too. And again, hate thinking about the good times, as if doing so negates everything I've learned, everything I've written in this journal.

[Wife#2]

BIG, BIG HUGS to you! <expletive they'd edit if I typed it> It's just not fair that any of us have to debate these feelings! It shouldn't have to hurt to remember good times. Yet, I understand the bittersweet, the pain, the scramble to remember that your boundaries are still valid, just because a good memory drifted into our awareness.

Yes, it's true that your father is an unchanging Narcissist. That will not change. He has decided he is good enough as is, so no change is needed. If only he'd give YOU the freedom to decide YOU are good enough and leave YOU alone. That's a fairy tale and everyone who is a child of a narcissist knows it.

HUG again! Because I didn't mean to distress you with my post, but I have. For that I am sorry. Your life is yours, your way of handling it is much better suited to you than anything I could suggest. Know that I am here to encourage you in whatever decisions YOU make for YOUR life as you grow into your full, healthy self!

[tea-the-artist]

It's understandable Wife#2.. I think it's important to still really feel things, regardless of my feelings...about those feelings (if that makes sense). I do appreciate what you were trying to say, and since I left work after writing, I thought about it still. I think that what you said is an important thing to know.

I think, not mentioning my parents, I owe it to myself at least to understand and allow that complexity of feelings about my family. Sure they are just as complex as I am, but still I feel as the person who was caused pain at such an early and defenseless age, I feel I hold the right to see them as primarily pain causers. Awarding them the full range of not only human emotions but human complexities, something I was never allowed to have beyond various forms of "positiveness," would not be fair when often I cannot even give myself validation to feel the full range and complexities.

I think in some ways it's been helpful to me to see them one-dimensionally, and tell myself "How can I see them as complex people when I was never given that right? When I now, as an adult, cannot feel complex feelings without guilt or regret?"

I think for me it's still hard to acknowledge a good past (or a should-be good future) and want to feel good about it, but come back to reality that it is certainly not attainable. Im not sure how to get through that without feeling horrible in one way or another. And that's totally not anything to do with you or anything you suggest or encourage (or even say!) I'm of course still learning and am learning to be OK to being sensitive (or thinking too far ahead and feeling hurt about it).  Thank you always for the hugs and warm support!

[tea-the-artist]

I also had an (unrelated) thought. It seems I'm picking up illustration commissions again (some folks at my job have seen my drawing and have been requesting some work from me (last week I got $20!). It probably won't be much that I accumulate (since I'm not a professional) but I'm planning on saving this money. Maybe put it in a jar. I'm not going to tell my dad about it. I think it may end  up being money for moving out. I've still got to do Pansy's commissions which I can concentrate on during winter break.

I'm going to do the best I can to keep away from this money. Lately I've been "filling the void" with art supplies and clothes but I've unsubscribed from stores' emails so I won't be tempted. I just want to focus on art and self-education (as this journal suggests)

[tea-the-artist]

Trigger Warning, abuse, invalidating abuse victims (DV)

i'm just going to put this entire thing in beige/whatever color so it can only be seen if highlighted


earlier I heard my dad talking downstairs about some show he was watching with my mom. he talked about this woman on a show was in an abusive relationship (boyfriend or husband) and said that women who go back to that, who go through all that (getting beaten up, bloody nose, hospital visits) that they are %&#*%#$ and that they're idiots or something. I couldn't make out much of what he said, but i got so angry i just I don't understand how
that could even be said at all. to his own wife, yelling about how "I always know what I'm talking about" as if he has ever been in the shoes of an abusive victim. in the same house as his own children, both of whom are susceptible to manipulation and violence and abuse. in the same house as his own daughter, youngest child, hardly grown at all despite being 24. I hate him so much I hate living here I hate feeling so disgusting living here I hate how disgusting I feel to have heard that from my own father's mouth I hate that my OWN mom didn't even CHALLENGE it at all!!!!!! IT'S SO DISGUSTING HOW CAN ANYONE WITH MORALS AT ALL OR ANY SENSE OF HUMANITY SAY THOSE THINGS!!!, how can i still live here why can't i have self compassion enough to be strong and give myelf courage enough to leave so i never have to hear that from the people i live with ever again.
I just can't even think how he can say those things, say things like "more power to that guy" because that woman went back to him instead of "someone who will treat her right" as IF he knows anything!!! he doens't know anything what it's like to feel all of this confusing *, LEAVE!! GO!! DON'T LEAVE!!! NOT NOW!! YOU DON'T NEED TO LEAVE!!! how confusing it is to be in a sort of relationship with the person who breaks you down, and you know it!! but you can't leave because it just doesn't feel right!! that you don't deserve to leave!! there's no REASON to leave!! everything's FiNE now!!  god i 'm so angry i want to smash everything in my room I hate hate HATE hate him so much I hate men so much I hate living here so much

[Wife#2]

HUGS! I have found it useful to beat up pillows and mattresses when I've reached that level of frustration and anger. It also helps to write letters never sent, to say EVERYTHING in your heart that deserves to be heard, but wouldn't be even if you said it to him.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks for the tip!

[tea-the-artist]

I finally got around to writing a letter to Little Tea. I really tried to be as honest and open and validating as I could. Cried a lot. wondering if that has to do with the lack of emotional intimacy since childhood. that kind of response happens a lot when I read validating posts or articles. I don't really want to analyze my physical response right now though.

i really hope Little Tea heard it, and doesn't feel like I was fake or anything. I don't want to force anything to happen soon. I just want her to know I'm on her side and I care about her feelings and am willing to listen and that she is inherently lovable.

earlier today I was in flashback and feeling horribly alone. at first I couldn't tell if it was relating to childhood loneliness, but it was. I kind of napped it off and later on my brother and I talked for almost 2 hours. I just really wanted to be around my friends or wanted to talk to them or something but I just sat there annoyed at my tendency to not contact them first and how everyone seemed too busy to be around or think of me.

after I wrote my letter, I thought a bit about my reactions to validation and general kindness from others. how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I know it has to do with being starved of emotional support growing up. but I also thought a lot about how I often reject it. not by publicly stating to the person "I don't believe you," but immediately internally rejecting it. disbelieving the good things said about me. like something inside takes the words, crumples them up in front of me and throws them out or throws them into an internal fireplace. that "something" inside just won't let me have the kindness and validation. they don't ever speak. they just give me impulses or feelings that feel like the kind words aren't for me.

I still often have a lot of feelings like "ah nobody cares" whenever I feel sad or angry or even happy. like no sort of emotion is even allowed to be verbalized. this is likely my last week of work this year, so hopefully during the break I can catch up on pete walker's book and continue my education.

[Wife#2]

HUGS - don't forget to take some time to just be. To just breathe. To be the human being you are. Don't worry about figuring out who that is or could be, just be. We can work ourselves too hard and fail to take time to just stare out a window, doodle or sip that tea (coffee in my case) slowly and think of nothing but the texture of the mug, the heat of the tea, the sweetness of the sugar or cream added in. THAT is part of living also. The quiet time when we give ourselves permission to relax and take a quiet moment. And just be.

[tea-the-artist]

  I agree! I think before I had called it "coasting," where I just go for a long period of time not really thinking or feeling much, and I always felt it was bad. looking back I think I was in a cool-down period (this happened right when summer was ending, after all that drama and bad stuff happening at home), where I just didn't have the energy to do much else except exist.

lately in the last month I've been able to gradually pick myself up out of it (of course I didn't notice while it was happening, I was so down) and I feel like I'm regaining some energy, but it could be good for me to not rush that regaining, and really take some personal time to let little things that you mentioned soak in and just be. exist in a way that isn't just coasting, but really actively stopping myself to breathe for a bit. I want to try that.

[tea-the-artist]

Today has been a relatively nice day, and yesterday too. No sorts of triggers or anything that I can remember, even when Peach and I had spontaneously planned to call each other and watercolor paint and chat to end the night, but ended up cancelling. I was bummed for a while but I didn't feel like I was neglected and left alone. No childhood feelings (at least, if there were, they were gone pretty fast).

I also got a lot of compliments yesterday and today on my outfits and hair and that of course was nice and uplifting. Even a complete stranger who was just going to grab something in the cafeteria said I looked very pretty

On the slightly downside, I've been a bit silent towards my mom. Still a bit annoyed about the domestic violence comments my dad said the other day, but mainly how she doesn't get my frustrations with him.

It's got nothing to do with the whole "You don't love your dad do you?" guilting crap that she's pulled twice in the past month, but how I have been affected by all the things he's done and said to me. It frustrates me that my own mom cannot or won't see that. In the last day I've had the feeling that I should just send her some information on CPTSD and see how she reacts and maybe will put two and two together to understand my current behavior. I can't verbalize it. I don't trust that she won't throw my feelings out the window in favor of politely and subtly asking me to get over it. I can't say all the stuff I've said in these journal entries or even try to paraphrase it.

And I just don't feel like I need to at all! Truth be told. I'm not obligated to explain things. Even if I am her daughter and she's my mother. Familial ties... are and have always been confusing to me. I have no healthy examples of family other than "Will give you their last dime." Family should invalidate me or hurt me or try to excuse themselves and escape blame or place blame on me when they hurt and invalidate me.

I can just send her info and if she is at all moved by any of it the way I was when I realized so much of it was relatable, then good for her. I can already say from past and current experience that I will not feel any validation (maybe logically but not emotionally) from whatever she would say.

Anyway, last night I texted Pansy and MG asking if they could send me some reassurance about moving out. I felt kind of lame (I had written it at around 8:30 last night and didn't send until after midnight before going to sleep. Pansy responded first and it was long (like the birthday message she sent me ). And a few hours ago MG sent me his reassurance too.

They both told me the just really wanted me to be healthy and happy and that they're proud of the progress I've made so far to being more self loving. And they also seemed to have really reassure that they weren't going anywhere, and that they're able to take me in whenever I'm willing and able. I really appreciate that and it's still baffling how I could deserve friends like them. They had even just gotten keys made for me. I want to see them again.. I don't know if I'll be able to really finally speak to them about it without getting upset. But I just want to be in that space a lot just to keep developing my imaginings.

I've still been imagining/visualizing myself living there and just doing small things. Yesterday I imagined I was watching movies (Studio Ghibli films) with them and Rose and eating 3 bowls of moose tracks ice cream. A while ago I imagined standing at the desk they have in my room, with my watercolor tools out and doing a painting, and MG coming in to see if he could chill in my room and work on his teaching lesson plans. We weren't saying much just in comfortable silence, something I always like.

I'm sure it won't be this year that I'll be ready to leave. I think... thinking about just trying to exist in a non-coasting/almost dissociative way kind of makes me feel better and OK about the next half of the month. Not optimistic (especially if my mom's gonna try to talk to me about this stuff), just... gonna try and just be.

I think to wind down tonight I'm going to shower a little early and get cozy and do some small paintings and watch a ghibli movie. I feel OK. Content.

[tea-the-artist]

It's been a while... not sure what kept me from posting here (though I ended up resorting to yelling on my blog, which I regret but  )

Been managing fairly well. Painted a whole lot. Daydreamed a bit. Flashbacked twice (that I could tell).

First off, on Saturday when my brother and I were going to set up the tree, there was an incident.. sort of. I was making toast n juice for my mom (who's recovering from a cold) and I asked my brother to hold the butter for just a second so I could get to the juice (he was standing in front of the fridge, and there was also no space to set the butter nearby). He said no kind of rudely, so I just took it to a counter further away and grabbed the juice saying "If it was you who asked me and I said no, you'd be all 'Just hold the butter you *$#%$'" and he said "Since when have you ever helped me?"

And that's what go to me. I couldn't say "COUNTLESS TIMES, YA JERK!" or even remind him just the day before he called me while i was asleep so I could move some things in his room to our bathroom while he was at school...

It really baffled me and I didn't say anything, just kind of frozen and making the breakfast and left as soon as I could. Later when I went to shower, I slammed a cabinet and he came in later saying if I did, and I said no. Then when we got to setting up the christmas tree, he told me "Listen, don't catch an attitude with me (um?? dad much?!!) And see, you didn't even move mom's bags out the way or get her to do it so we'd have less work to do. So why should I help you?" and again I stood there baffled and frozen. Then he said "Well it's not a big deal" so we got started.

It's been some days but I'm still bothered. We're talking like normal now, but it irks me. I guess being there for him and being the only person to not make him feel worthless doesn't count for much, huh? 

Anyway, I'm slightly past it and am still trying to do my own thing to keep semi-positive/out of flashback. I've been daydreaming a bit lately and today dreamed about being in The Apartment (as I'll call it now) and asking Pansy and MG about the big desk that's in the room that'll be mine. I had some measuring tape in my hand and I gave it to MG to hold after I measured the desk, and I wanted to see if I could rotate it by the window and still walk into the room with ease.

Also daydreamed about laying on the floor on just a random day that I was visiting. One of them came to check up on me, and as soon as I had the thought, I teared up.

Anyway, I don't have any feelings about the new year. I don't feel hopeful nor pessimistic really, but I'd really like for it to be here already.

[tea-the-artist]

the last couple days I feel like I've been mostly unable to stop crying. i feel so miserable so worthless and exhausted. i just don't have any energy to care at all to try to do any self soothing.

I wish I had never told Lily about any of this stuff. three months of silence and finally getting a response today it turned out I had probably made her anxiety worse by overwhelming her with all of this garbage. had I not sent a birthday message on 2 days ago i bet i wouldn't have gotten any response at all going into the new year.

i should have never said anything at all, to anybody. i feel like i wish i hadn't come across this site months ago. i wish i never read anything about cptsd or tried to look further into why i feel so horrible when my brother invalidates me. i wish i never looked into the possibility that i might have a mental illness. i wish i hadn't read that post about signs of emotional abusers. i wish i hadn't seen that post about hypervigilance that started all of this.

every single time I've tried to be open about something that I struggle with or pain someone else caused.. it's always silence. i just regret all of this. i'm too intense a person, too emotional, too angry and too sad and it makes people not want to talk to me or comfort me or anything.

i just don't see any real point when i've always been so worthless when i'm not smiling and even if I am it's too loud and annoying and nobody cares what i have to be happy about. it's always "mhmm" or "hurry up!" or some fake reaction or they shift the conversation to speak about themselves as soon as possible. why would anyone want to talk about something unimportant like things that i like or think about or feel or just myself? why would lily want to talk to me at all, even before any of this, when she had her own problems that made her not want to speak to me? why would i at all be important to anybody? outside of bare minimum parenthood, outside of friendship or anything at all