Letter to my inner children...

[meursault]

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  I just got back to seeing C, the last good therapist.  I read this to her in a thick Irish accent last session...  Just thought I'd share it here...

Meursault
...

Hey, boys, it's your pop.

I just want you to know how sorry I am for all the times I wasn't around to help you.  I didn't know any better, but that's no excuse.  I should've been there to protect you from my Mom, and sisters S, M, and M.  I should've just told your grandpa to get stuffed.  I was too busy looking after him to take care of you.  It was wrong of me, and it led us into a tough place.

I should've helped you all these years, instead of hiding you and hating you.  That's stuff I never got taught by your gramps, but as I said, that's no excuse.  I could've helped you feel brave when you wanted to talk to girls.  I could've had your back when you got picked on.  I could've been there when you were feeling so alone and unloved whenever you saw all those pretty girls and felt how they were tellin' you everything about you was broken and disgusting and unfit to live.  I could have held you and helped you be brave in all those years of terror and disintegration.  I should have told you you were wrong when they had you convinced how you weren't even a human, much less a man, when they laughed at you or ignored you or didn't want you.

I was trying, but I should've found a way to try harder.  I'm sorry about that.  I didn't listen to what you needed, I knew where we wanted to head, and did all the wrong things trying to get there.  Even killed your grandpa along the way.  I've gotten us in a real pickle for not being around.

I know none of you can handle this stuff.  I don't blame ya!  Who could?  Well, it looks like it's gonna have to be me.  I'll let you know, I'm scared of this, too.  It's gonna be pretty hard.  I have no right to ask, but I want your help, if you feel up for it.  I'll hold down the fort and get us through it.  I won't promise, because you have no reason to trust me yet.  I'll make it though, boys!  You'll be proud of your pop.

I'd really like to ask you for something so you can help me, though.  Do you think you can trust me enough to at least tell me what's wrong a bit clearer.  I'm hearing ya, but it takes your dumb old pop a while to get the message.  I'd really like it if you could tell me what's wrong a bit more clearly when something goes wrong or you're hurtin'.  You all know I'm not as clever as you.  And I'd like it if you could at least start to entertain the notion of trusting me to protect you around other people.  I know there's not a lot to base that on, but look what I did with C [good therapist].  I'll grant that it was hearing that you trusted her, but I listened, didn't I?  I got us there and talking.  And I got us through a lot of close calls.  We suffered a lot this last winter, but while you all were falling to pieces, talking about girls an' women an' your granny and aunts and such, and when you fell to pieces over and over because of grandpa, I kept us goin'.  I stepped in at the last minute a few times when you were about to kill us all.  I guess that's about the only help I gave for a long time, but it's SOMETHING, ain't it?

One other thing.  I don't know who's doin' it, me or one of you, but I think we'd all be better for it if we could do a bunch of crying.  I know we do little bits here and there, but I think you'll agree we'd be better for it if we could all really let loose.  I know what your thinking, too!  How will we ever stop if we get started doing it?  Well, boys, that's where I come in.  I'll be able to get us to stop, and I won't yell at you to make it happen.  I'll just take over and get on with it.  And don't worry, I don't think any of you are rotten the way my Mom did, and think you shouldn't be allowed to cry because you're boys and deserve whatever happens to ya!  I think she's wrong.  You didn't deserve it every time you were hurt.  Think of C [good therapist], boys.  SHE would think it's alright to cry.  I've been trying to learn from her, you know.  I wanted to make her proud of me, you see.  She taught me you weren't just garbage, an' I should protect you.

I don't know if it's too late for me.  I hope you can learn to trust me.  We might'nt make it through all the tough times this winter, but I'm gonna damned sure try, and I'll take the hit for it boys.  If someone has to deal with it, it'll be me.  You can hide.  That'll be alright.  You can just stay behind me and remember how at least C [good therapist] and I love you all.

Love, your pop. 

P.S.  Whichever one of you took my porno mag better buck up and get it back to me!  You ain't ready for that stuff yet!  When you're better, we'll go and find a nice, REAL lady to spend our time with!  I know the pictures are nice to look at an' all, but the real thing's much better!  And that's something you CAN trust your pop about!

[Three Roses]

This is a great idea! 

Thank you so much! I think I'll try this to see if I can tap into the anger I know I have. Wow! Great idea.

[Dutch Uncle]

Wow. Very nice.