My brain is overwhelmed with this

[meursault]

Okay, so here's what happened:

I started seeing a new therapist in February/March.  She explicitly said: "I always let my clients email me.  If it gets to be a problem, we talk about it."

So, between February and June I sent a total of five emails, two of which she asked me to send.  I put them all in one document, and it was seven pages, plus a comic book thing I did.

In June, I referenced the comic book, and she confessed she didn't read it, and that she hasn't read everything I sent.

I was taken aback, but just left it alone, but now notice I was starting to do things to desperately get her approval and hope there was SOMETHING about me she thought was acceptable.  I finally brought it up at the beginning of August, and she gave me a line about it's not good to make assumptions (i.e. I shouldn't have assumed she'd read them) and I was left defending how I could even benefit from emailing.

I tried again the next week, and she has been better, but the gist was that she wants to be paid to read my emails, that her time is her own.  She said she went back and checked and she "skimmed" most of them, but confessed she hadn't read them.  I think she thinks this is all addressed, but I don't feel like it has been at all.

I just don't trust her now.  I really don't understand what she was thinking at all with this.  Does she ignore everyone's emails, or just mine?  Is it just me who isn't worth listening to?  I'm super hurt by this.  Am I just over-sensitive?  How is it at all respectful to someone to just skim what they communicate, much less this really personal stuff?  And then NOT TELL them, so they continue to do it?

To me, I have such a hard time trusting, what I was sending in those emails was part of building that trust.  So I'd go into session with that as a backdrop, assuming certain communication had happened.  Ultimately, the relationship we had was a lie.  Certain parts of it never happened, because she wasn't reading that stuff.  So I was REALLY over-extended, and talking AS IF she was with me, but she really wasn't.  The entire relationship to this point has been built on false assumptions.  God, do I feel like a fool.

Then there's a big sense of betrayal.  Not only was the stuff I shared about myself not worth her attention, but I wasn't even worth TELLING she wasn't paying it any attention.  I feel like a complete fool.  This is completely humiliating.  I kept sending her REALLY personal stuff about me, while she knew the whole time she wasn't paying any attention to it.  That seems so belittling and dismissive.  I'm nothing and don't matter at all.  I'm just pathetic and laughable.

I'm feeling utterly pathetic and worthless from this.

The thing is, she has shown a lot of understanding and insight into what I've told her about growing up, and is generally quite good while in session.  She really seems to want to help.  I don't want to throw that away if there's any way to correct this.  But I'm not really getting anything that helps me get past this from her.  And am I always going to have to worry about this now.  She showed a fundamental dishonesty there, I think.  What's to stop her from being like that again, and making sure I don't find out in the future?  I really don't think she even thinks she did anything wrong, but apologized because I'm overly-sensitive and fragile.  I had been feeling so optimistic I could get help from her!

Anyhow, I'm likely going to try one last time this Friday, and probably stop seeing her.  I'm not sure if I'm just over-reacting.  Is this just part of how I'm messed up?  Even if it is, how can I get help there when she has shown I can't trust her?  I think of going back and I just feel like garbage, I'm nothing, everything about me is hated and unwanted.  I'm scared of her now more than before the first session.  I just feel panicky thinking of going back.  I think trying to resolve this is therapeutic, but only if she helps that.  I don't even know what she could do to make that happen, though!  My mind is all over the place with this.  I'm scared to go, and scared to not go.  I think there's some double bind in play here, actually...

I hope I'm not fixating too much on this.  I'm feeling completely alone and super desperate.  I guess all the little boys in me are too scared of her now, and badly hurt.  Is the right thing for the father part of me to listen to them and not go back, or to take them "for their own good" in the hope she can find some way out of this?

Meursault

[Three Roses]

Personally, imo, if the little dudes are that scared of her right now I'd have a tendency to lean towards helping them. They've not been listened to/validated and I think it would be good for them to experience what that feels like.

You can always print something out for T to read in your presence or leave a few minutes early and hand it to her on the way out, if you feel a need to explain anything. That way you're honoring the IC's need for safety as well as your T's need to be paid as she prefers. I would be very tempted to tell her I wouldn't have emailed her in the first place unless she'd told me it was ok.

I always feel like decisions have to be made NOW, haha, I'm always telling myself to slow down. Take your time, you're not there to make her feel good, you don't owe her anything (besides paying the bill )

[Danaus plexippus]

I had a similar experience with one of the most professional psychiatric social workers I ever hired. The document I asked her to read was not anywhere near as long as yours. Record yourself reciting your 7 page document. Did it take over 45 minutes? I paid my T one half what a session would have cost to read my document because I felt I contained valuable insight into my psyche, a depth of feeling I might have stumbled and mumbled out of all contextual semblance. For me it was worth it at the time. Now I understand when a T says you can send an Email, what they want is just a line or two not an essay. Keep her or leave her. No T is going to read 7 pages without being paid for her time. As I have said in other threads you are her client, customer, patient not her friend. This is one of the only places you can get away with posting a 7 page document and have compassionate responses without being charged for it.

[Wife#2]

meursault - If you've been seeing her for several months now and your 'boys' feel even less safe with her, then that should be taken into consideration. I especially understand feeling vulnerable and undervalued as a result of her failure to respond.

I don't think I'm special, but the couple of therapists who asked me to write things out and bring them to session (before email was really big), would go over some of it during session and take the whole of my writing and put it into my file. The next session, he'd (usually male therapists) bring out the writings and we'd go over them again. I could tell he'd read them by the very focused questions he'd ask. I was not charged for anything but the standard sessions I attended.

My personal opinion is that she invited emails without discussing payment to read them. Failing to even acknowledge them, given the nature of therapy, feels unethical to me, given that she invited emails. IF she felt that a 7-page email was excessive, when she received it was the time to bring that up, and to request payment for reading at THAT time, not to wait until you brought it up.

These are just my opinions, but I would be upset and looking for another therapist had I been in your situation.

[meursault]

Three Roses:
Yeah, I had asked about the emailing our first session, and she said she always lets clients email.  She said if there's a problem, we'd discuss it.  She seemed taken aback that I thought it best to ask before I ever sent anything.  I wouldn't have, otherwise (unless maybe during a crisis).  I've been having a hard time with this since mid-June.  I'm not an overly impulsive person, so I've been trying to work my way through the hurt of this without just ending it. 

Wife#2:
I regularly bring in things and read them because I have a hard time keeping it all coherent.  She sometimes puts them in the file.  What you wrote just brought something back.  I printed out a very graphic write-up about my Mom and sisters, and was going to get her to read it in session, but she took it and just put it in my file.  It was the most detailed and personal stuff with my Mom and sisters.  Now I wonder if she ever read it.

Danaus:
It wasn't that I had sent one seven page email document.  She had asked me to send one thing, which was over two pages (a description of what I thought would be helpful in therapy), and asked for another which was a page ( a list of positives in my life), so over the four+ months, there were three unsolicited emails which totalled about three and a half pages.  (Plus a comic that I drew, I suppose.)  One was half a page, and the other two were a page and half each.  (One of them was on the anniversary of my Dad's death and she had asked me to let her know what was happening with me emotionally that day, so really, I could argue that was asked for as well, but I don't really know.)

If I had sent a single paragraph every second week, it would have amounted to more text than what I actually sent unsolicited.  That just doesn't seem too onerous to me.  Really, it's not just that she didn't read them, but that she neither read them, nor told me she wasn't, while telling me it was fine to send them.  Paying for her time is not an issue to me, and I would have gladly paid had she indicated it.  What I have a problem with is being treated like I am irrelevant and worthless and can be treated without consideration.

Your comment actually kind of upsets me.  Of COURSE it would be unreasonable to send a seven page document and expect her to sit down with it for an hour on her own time.  Your comment is kind of misrepresenting what I wrote and making me look unreasonable.    I am aware I'm not her friend, as well.  I am paying her for a service, and when she indicated what the protocol for emailing was, she had a professional duty to stand by that.  If she didn't like what was transpiring, she should have done as she said she would, and talk to me, rather than letting me blindly humiliate myself sending deeply personal stuff into the void. 

Can I assume you just misread what I wrote?  Otherwise I think what you wrote could be summed up as this:  I said something deeply personal.  You twisted what I said to look like something completely irrational.  You then lectured (belittled) me for holding that misrepresentation.  Echoes of emotional abuse there.

Meursault

[Dutch Uncle]

I'll first quote the parts that I think are relevant to the e-mail agreement:

I started seeing a new therapist in February/March.  She explicitly said: "I always let my clients email me.  If it gets to be a problem, we talk about it."

OK. Her initiative.

So, between February and June I sent a total of five emails, two of which she asked me to send.

Right. She even specifically asks you to send her e-mails.

she hasn't read everything I sent.

Yet she hasn't told you. That does seem to contradict her statement "If it gets to be a problem, we talk about it", since she didn't talk about it.

I finally brought it up at the beginning of August, and she gave me a line about it's not good to make assumptions (i.e. I shouldn't have assumed she'd read them) and I was left defending how I could even benefit from emailing.

In My Honest Opinion (IMHO), you were not making assumptions, she has created expectations. I could be wrong though. Suffice to say I would have made the same 'assumptions' as you did.

I tried again the next week, and she has been better, but the gist was that she wants to be paid to read my emails, that her time is her own.  She said she went back and checked and she "skimmed" most of them, but confessed she hadn't read them.  I think she thinks this is all addressed, but I don't feel like it has been at all.

If she wants to be paid for reading your e-mails, she should have:
- said so when she offered the possibility of you sending e-mails, i.e.: she should have told you it was a business proposal apart from the business-deal you already had agreed to (meaning you paying for face-to-face therapy)
- told you after receiving your first e-mail: "I've read it, here's the bill." (which I would personally still feel would have been inappropriate, but then at least you would have known from then on what the 'deal' was)
- told you upfront in the case of the "two [mails] she asked me to send" that there would be an additional charge.

That's the facts as I see them.


Relating to you emotional response (which is as factual and real as the 'business' side of things):

I just don't trust her now.  I really don't understand what she was thinking at all with this.  Does she ignore everyone's emails, or just mine?  Is it just me who isn't worth listening to?  I'm super hurt by this.  Am I just over-sensitive?  How is it at all respectful to someone to just skim what they communicate, much less this really personal stuff?  And then NOT TELL them, so they continue to do it?

Right. You're not being over-sensitive IMHO, you're being' just right'-sensitive. She can't allude to it being OK, or even preferable (as in the case of the two e-mails), to you sending e-mails and then ignore them, or at the very least not giving them much attention. And keeping her mouth shut over it.

To me, I have such a hard time trusting, what I was sending in those emails was part of building that trust.  So I'd go into session with that as a backdrop, assuming certain communication had happened.

Of course you did. For what it's worth: I would have done the very same thing.

Ultimately, the relationship we had was a lie.  Certain parts of it never happened, because she wasn't reading that stuff.  So I was REALLY over-extended, and talking AS IF she was with me, but she really wasn't.  The entire relationship to this point has been built on false assumptions.  God, do I feel like a fool.

The bolded part is your Inner Critic speaking, IMHO.
I really love the American (?) saying: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. So, this is her being a fool, not you. But that's just me. I'm not a T.

Then there's a big sense of betrayal.  Not only was the stuff I shared about myself not worth her attention, but I wasn't even worth TELLING she wasn't paying it any attention.

Right!

[...]That seems so belittling and dismissive.

Right! 

I'm nothing and don't matter at all.  I'm just pathetic and laughable.

Is the messages she sends indeed. IMHO, and the Inner Critic has a field day with it. Says the cPTSD person in me.

The thing is, she has shown a lot of understanding and insight into what I've told her about growing up, and is generally quite good while in session.  She really seems to want to help.  I don't want to throw that away if there's any way to correct this.  But I'm not really getting anything that helps me get past this from her.  And am I always going to have to worry about this now.  She showed a fundamental dishonesty there, I think.  What's to stop her from being like that again, and making sure I don't find out in the future?  I really don't think she even thinks she did anything wrong, but apologized because I'm overly-sensitive and fragile.  I had been feeling so optimistic I could get help from her!

Right!
If your in-session meetings are still valuable to you, great. Possibly take everything you can get out of those. But I can really relate to the violation of trust you have experienced. Ditch the e-mail 'agreement' for sure.

Anyhow, I'm likely going to try one last time this Friday, and probably stop seeing her.  I'm not sure if I'm just over-reacting.  Is this just part of how I'm messed up?

IMHO, no.

Even if it is, how can I get help there when she has shown I can't trust her?

A valid concern.

I think of going back and I just feel like garbage, I'm nothing, everything about me is hated and unwanted.  I'm scared of her now more than before the first session.  I just feel panicky thinking of going back.  I think trying to resolve this is therapeutic, but only if she helps that.  I don't even know what she could do to make that happen, though!  My mind is all over the place with this.  I'm scared to go, and scared to not go.  I think there's some double bind in play here, actually...

Right! If you feel this bad about it, please do pay attention to it. For all the 'brokenness' we feel at times, we are not delusional. A double bind eh... Those are tricky ones. You may well be right on that too, though I'm in no position to judge. I've only grown aware of the concept of a "double bind" myself a year or so ago.

I hope I'm not fixating too much on this.  I'm feeling completely alone and super desperate.  I guess all the little boys in me are too scared of her now, and badly hurt.  Is the right thing for the father part of me to listen to them and not go back, or to take them "for their own good" in the hope she can find some way out of this?

Sticking to Pete Walker's concept of self-fathering (paraphrased and abridged): "the father's role is to provide safety for the children". Whether in this case providing safety means not exposing your "little boys" at all to her, or whether it means he will join them going into that room with her, stand back initially (while observing what goes on in his little boys/sons, NOT te T.!)) and standing up for his "ittle boys/sons when she again puts her in their harm's way I cannot tell.
Either will do, I surmise.

[meursault]

Dutch Uncle:

Thanks for what you wrote.  It means a lot to me.

Danaus:

I guess I didn't explain well initially.  I thought it was pretty clear, but it appears everyone misread that.  I'm pretty upset still, but I'm sorry if my comment to you was harsh.  I think I should just stop talking.  I'm just misunderstood, anyways.

F* I just feel like giving up on everything.

Meursault

[Wife#2]

ohh, Meursault, please don't give up!

The whole point of my post was to try to encourage you to stand up for your rights to be heard! You deserve to be heard! Whether it's in person or via email. I hear you and want to keep hearing you! Maybe it is *I* and not you who didn't explain well.

I don't like this therapist. She's made you feel lesser instead of helping you find your way to better! That is NOT what we sign up for when we hire a therapist! Your inner boys don't like her anymore and I think their judgment is spot-on. Not all therapists are good, not all are good people in fact. This one wasn't honest in the beginning and didn't follow through as she ought. Some are WONDERFUL and when you find one of those, you'll know it. You deserve one who listens to you, values YOUR time - the time you took to write these things to help her gain insight, and genuinely tries to help you.

Please know we do care and that we do hope there is peace and comfort in your future!

[Three Roses]

Please don't give up! Keep talking, we are listening.

 

[sanmagic7]

meursault,

i don't blame you one bit for not trusting her anymore.   i don't think she was very upfront and honest with you about the emails, don't think she was clear about expectations and boundaries, and those things are paramount in a therapeutic relationship.  and, i can totally see how you would feel like you've been put in a double-bind situation.  she's really good during a session, yet she dismisses and ignores what you present to her in writing.  what is that!!!

from my perspective, you're not the fool.  i hate seeing this stuff happen in my profession, but i'm seeing and hearing about it more and more.  ugh!   no wonder people are wary, unsure, scared, and mistrusting of seeing a therapist!   but, i agree, there are many, many very good therapists out there who care and are careful, who are continually aware of putting their client's interests and welfare first.   the number one rule in any helping profession is 'first, do no harm.'   every good therapist takes that to heart, and makes sure on every level possible that they are following that rule.

it sounds like your little boys know what they're talking about.   i see no credible reason to be afraid of a therapist, except that s/he has set the stage for that fear.  and, to my mind, that's just not right.   best of luck with this.  i also want to repeat, please don't give everything up.  we want and need you here.  you've been a valuable source of insight and support, and i'd hate to lose that.   

[meursault]

I've calmed down somewhat.  Sorry for the negativity.

Thanks for the comments cPTSDers!  I ended up emailing my therapist my original post in this thread, and said I'd like her to read it and think about it before our next session, and I'd pay for an hour of her time.  I had a friend read it, and it took him four minutes.  I said if she was unable, we will have to reschedule until after she reads it.  Maybe that was stupid.  I can't keep this stuff straight in my head when I'm face to face and being challenged, though.  Either I don't go back, or I go back with her already fully informed about what I'm feeling.  I didn't want to just bring it in and read it or have her read it, because my sense of her is that she gets a bit defensive and reacts hastily, so I want her to be at her professional best after reflecting on it.

Even if it screws me up, the father part of me is taking charge here and trying to resolve it.  Hopefully, I am validated and valued, or if not, I stand up for myself and leave rather than just giving up and internalizing the message that I'm a worthless piece of s* like I normally would.  So much stuff takes practice to get better, I'll look at this as practice, and if it goes wrong, I'll try to understand how.  I don't know if I can continue with her regardless of what happens, trust is hard to rebuild, but I think some resolution might help anyhow.

(Maybe tomorrow this will seem impossible, but that's my plan as of now!)  I hope I can make this an exercise where the boy parts of me are able to remain relatively calm and witness the father part of me looking after them, so they learn a bit more that they can be safe.  I found the father part in me, but the boy parts are pretty overwhelming emotionally.  I think that teaching them there is a part of me who can love and protect them is important.  I think your advice there was really good, Dutch Uncle!  At the very least, I'd like to understand a bit why she didn't think it was important to read what I sent.  I went from feeling tons of self-hatred and suicidal ideation to this.  I think the father part asserted himself, sent her the email, and basically said "This is what we are doing!  What she does isn't relevant, because I'll be there."  He better show up on Friday, or Team Meursault is in big trouble!

Wife#2:
I really sorry!  I wasn't directing my despair at you in my earlier post.  You're comments are  nothing but supportive, and I thank you for them.

Sanmagic:
The sad thing is, I think she's the third best mental health professional I've ever seen.  I'm sure we all have horror stories!

Three Roses:
I hope my issue isn't filtering into your thoughts about tomorrow.  I hope you have a good first session!  This feels like a marriage.  It has been mostly good for me, but my spouse has cheated on me now, and I don't know if I can move past that.  It was still worth getting married, though!

I don't know, maybe I was crazy to send her that.  I guess I'll see.  I'm feeling like I had to do something.  The self-loathing and internalization was pretty bad the last day or so.  I'm trying to face it all head on.

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

i don't think you were crazy to do what you did.   i think you're setting boundaries and putting out your expectations clearly.  my best to you for this.  i believe you will get some kind of pos. resolution, one way or the other, cuz i think your 'dad' you is taking good care of your 'boys' you.   we're here for all of you all the way.  and, not to worry about the negativity.  i'm just glad you had a place to put it.

[Dutch Uncle]

I think the father part asserted himself, sent her the email, and basically said "This is what we are doing!  What she does isn't relevant, because I'll be there."  He better show up on Friday, or Team Meursault is in big trouble!

I'm pretty sure he will show up, dear Meursault.
Will he act perfectly? Maybe not. But he'll try, and give it his best.
It will be new for him to do so, and it will be new to your "boys inside" to meet him like that. Or perhaps for your "boys inside" it will be a bit awkward to see him showing up again, after some time.

I hope, wish and trust that if "Team Meursault" will end up in trouble, they will end up doing so as a team.
Obviously I hope and wish they score a few point at least, as a team.
A winning point would be best, but just scoring  some points might do wonders for the team-spirit.

Wishing you well, grabbing "The Cup" takes a season to complete,

Dutch.

[Three Roses]

I'm actually feeling fortified by your story here, Meursault! To see you gain the.., well, whatever it is you needed to be able to face this head-on is truly encouraging.

We'll be cheering for Team Meursault!
 

[Danaus plexippus]

Sorry for my insensitivity and bad math. Two months ago I was complaining about my shrink when he told me I was sick, I had a disease and medicine was not going to cure me. Now I'm going through SSRI withdrawal and griping about that in another thread. In both instances everybody here has been very supportive. I should have followed their example. You're not the first to bring me up on charges of a lack of compassion. If only there was a pill I could take for that. I don't enjoy stepping on toes. I'm just unskilled.