annakoen's journal

[Wife#2]

Breathe! You are human, and humans make mistakes!

At my office we have a program called 'Problems, Errors, Mistakes'. When we catch one, we record it and what we did about it when we found it, to fix the problem or correct the error. The paperwork turned in is used as a teaching tool for where the mistake started and through anyone else who had access but didn't catch it. This helps ensure thorough training and review of each order processed.

Mistakes are viewed as opportunities to improve our processes. NOT as failures or as reasons for stress. Because our employers recognize that nobody is perfect, they actually get concerned when the number of 'P.E.M.' reports drops some months.

This has helped my inner critic from getting the better of me and reaming me for a simple error, or oversight of someone else's error. I wish you had the same type of program to help you alleviate some of your inner stress.

Breathe again. As fantastic as you are, as smart and capable, you are no more perfect than the fellow next to you or in the corner office. And, you ARE fantastic, smart AND capable!

[annakoen]

As I said in your journal, thank you for reaching out. Everything worked out, finally, at the end of this week
I did not mention it in my journal I think, but I had a fight with my mom a week ago. I just realized that this contributed in major ways to my stress.

I can happily say that there **is** some form of progress!
Firstly, something positive that happened: I'm getting a raise!!!

Secondly, they asked me so sign the raise, something that is usually not necessary. And since the HR department of the company I work for tends to * up regularly (they keep processing the wrong hours and calling me about holidays I did or did not take, which frustrates me to no end) I asked hubby if I should ask for a change to this document **before** I sign it. Reason: They mention a raise of my salary, but I am one of the few who has a monthly bonus structure on top of this raise under certain conditions (that are currently met). I am worried that HR will only read the "her salary is now XX" part and will stop transferring my monthly bonus. So, I e-mailed them back that I have encountered trouble with HR and would request that the wording of the raise is changed to prevent trouble.

Of course, right now I am worried that I may have overstepped, but as my T said: "No wonder you are always anxious about whether or not you were supposed to say something, you never received positive affirmation that your opinion and thoughts matter." I once stood up for myself to a bully, in the middle of class, and the teacher did **nothing**. I am always afraid of whether I did something _right_. But, you know, I am allowed to be my own person. Yes, I can be a bit of a controlling person. So what. There are many more people out there who can be nitpicky and controlling. And I'm one of them. I have a right to request a change of wording to a document I didn't even have to sign anyway.

It will take some time to relax again, but hubby encouraged me to send it. "They need to hear that HR *s up regularly. Just mention how you want the wording to be, they won't mind."

[Dwonderer]

Congratulations on the raise! 
Being assertive when needed isn't easy especially for those with CPTSD. So the fact that you did several times (I read few of your posts) stand up for yourself is great 
Glad your workplace recognize your work.

[annakoen]

Ugh, a joke I took personally and blew up about. Colleague comes to my desk to talk it out. I feel threatened and offended. I feel stuck in the middle between something and he says "you put yourself in the middle". He's probably right but how else should I do things? I know no other way. I want to disengage but am not allowed to, says my inner critic.

I'm an introvert abused into extraversion

[Wife#2]

   It stinks when something like this happens. I'm sorry it happened to you.

[annakoen]

Thanks. I was really in a funk this morning. Two reassurances and pleasant interactions later I felt better. Colleagues understand I'm easily overwhelmed and don't seem to mind...  Wow

[annakoen]

I cried in the bathroom at work. Sank down on the floor and cried. Some days I feel totally fine, and on days like this it hits me. Yes, I have CPTSD. I need a cup of tea and a blanket. Go home early tomorrow,  annakoen, you need it

[annakoen]

Sigh of relief. It's weekend and I have a week off. Promised myself I won't push myself to do anything I don't want to this week.

Intend to make a wall painting my hubby wants to have on the wall of our living room. He'll be happily surprised

[Wife#2]

I like the sound of that ~ healing, therapeutic, relaxing and beautifying a space you share with a loved one. 

[annakoen]

I have a week off and had a session with my T last Wednesday. Now, thanks to that, yesterday and today were both productive and relaxing.

I've been reading up on covert incest and some of the consequences. And I have to say, I have made progress the past ten years. Previously, I would not be able to enjoy contact with men. My previous relationship was very distant, I kept him at bay and he me. And always when men asked something of me, or complimented me, or approached me in any way, I would think "What is it you want from me?". I still have this a little, but not anywhere near what it used to be.

I'm going in the right direction.

One final thing: How do I decide whether to go NC? I've gone LC with my parents, but every time we do have contact and it does not go well, it costs me three weeks of my life in emotional flashback. My dad is texting me now, since it's my birthday soon. He texted me "your birthday is coming up" and I texted back "yep!". That's it. That's all I can send. I can't call him, I just feel it. Because you'll never know if he's sober. You'll never know if he'll pull me back into the covert incest dynamic. I can't handle that right now, I just recovered from an EF and still feel vulnerable.

Boundaries. I'm finding them.

[Wife#2]

I wish I could tell you when NC is required. But that's a very personal decision. It also takes work. That work can be exhausting, too.

One funny thing to relate: I went NC with Mom after a particularly bad holiday at my house. That went on for almost two years. Siblings didn't get it, I didn't expect them to. Friends thought I was being harsh. Except one. She knew Mom, but not the home-life side. BUT, she had a complicated relationship with HER mother, so she got that part. When I went NC, it made her think about her own situation. She's chosen VLC, but knows she can talk to me about it without judgment. And, she can vent to me when the VLC means time to talk to old Mommy and it went as bad as expected!

You'll know when one too many boundaries are blasted as if you hadn't stated them. When holding the rope would cause you more damage than dropping the rope, drop the rope! For your own health! When YOU are sure.

[annakoen]

Thanks! I know by now I need firm boundaries in my contact with my mother or father. It's LC now and will probably be for some time to come.

I came across an idea that really stuck with me: the drama triangle. I was taught as a child to take the savior role. When that is too much, I switch to attacker or victim. Reminding myself to stay out of the drama triangle seems to be a helpful move. The victory triangle is what I'm aiming for. It's the first concept I've found that I can actually apply in daily life. Recommended read!

[annakoen]

Yesterday, talked about Christmas and new years with hubby and sister in law. SIL will be on holiday during that time. I proposed we do a dinner with both families in January. This was met with approval.

At that moment, I should have *immediately* texted my FOO to invite them for this. I didn't, and I just now received an invite from my father for a dinner on Christmas. Now, I have to decline instead of taking the initiative. Frustrating. I don't dare to decline: I'm falling into the drama triangle right here, right now.

Don't reply yet, annakoen, try not to tense up / stress out. Discuss how to respond with hubby in an hour or so.

[Three Roses]

 

[annakoen]

OMG I caught myself again!

So recap: hubby hugged me while I had a good cry, told me "this is exactly why we should take it easy during Christmas, you're already in a funk over a text message" and I sent my dad a message proposing a new date.

Just now, half an hour ago, I got triggered like WHOA. I wanted to type angry email. Saved it instead and decided to go home. On the way out said bye to colleagues and indicated I felt bad about the meeting. Colleague responds: don't worry about it. I agreed with your point of view, I disagreed with the other person's.

Relieved. I'm still triggered, but doing well

Yay!