annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

Ugh, poor day. Good thing I have the afternoon off. I'm not getting anything done at work at the moment and I feel bad about it

[annakoen]

Small epiphany: until a few months ago, I would regularly bike to work in TERROR. Triggered before anything even happened, stuck in EF. Currently, that is all but gone.

I may never heal completely, but the terror is subsiding. Finally

[annakoen]

Vehemently disagreed with someone at work today. Mild white noise of anxiety underlying my thoughts right now, but manageable. Don't feel unsafe, thankfully

[Three Roses]

*cue theme from Rocky...*

[annakoen]

Hahaha, thanks that made me laugh.

I seem to be more consciously aware of my thoughts now. For example, miscommunication always gets me in a funk. I get anxious and afraid of the other person's anger. Like now, I'm going for dinner with my brother and he went to the wrong train station. I had apped him I made reservations at a restaurant in my neighbourhood, so he should have gone to the train station near me. He didn't. He probably didn't see the "in my neighbourhood" part. He is a bit miffed now and I am now afraid. My mind wants to get stuck on how to 'fix it', make his discomfort go away. I tend to punish myself for mishaps like these. But they're human. It can happen. And it's not like the restaurant is going anywhere.

Trying to calm down. His anger is his, not mine.

[annakoen]

He's here, everything's fine, no anger. Remember for next time

[annakoen]

Brain is rewiring? "hey.. I'm not in danger!" lightbulb

Also, since Friday I'm seeing in 3D. Seems odd to write it like this, but I saw the trees whooshing by as I biked from home to work.. Note to self: have not worn contacts for two weeks, am wearing them again today. Related?

[annakoen]

Am I getting the hang of office politics? Instead of arguing for a case, I CC'ed the main stakeholder of some problem. He replied rather forcefully to the person who caused the problem/conflict. In other words, I didn't have to Very tactical annakoen

[annakoen]

One step forward, two steps back. I'm horribly stuck in trigger town. We're missing a deadline, the boss was already angry last Friday and now we're having even more setbacks. In my mind, a shitstorm of anger and blame is about to descend on me and I'm terrified

[annakoen]

The story I'm telling myself is that I failed, personally and that my judgement calls were the direct cause for all that went wrong. I'm telling myself I'm powerless, worthless and a victim of the situation. Nothing I can do will fix this.

*deep breath*

Contact boss, explain situation.
Contact 10AM appointment, ask for reschedule.
Don't stay too late, be kind to your HSP body

[Wife#2]

Anna - I've had a similar inner critic voice.

The lie - it's all YOUR fault, only YOUR fault and you're powerless now that the problem is here.

The truth (repeat until believed): In an organization, no one person has the power to be the SOLE cause of a problem, not even the CEO. And, if you had the power to make decisions that led to the problem, you have the power to set the resolution into motion as well. YOU CAN DO THIS, if you have to cry in the bathroom before facing the angry boss, do that and rinse your face with cold water before facing him. Remember, some people project their anger even when they're angry at themselves. Your boss may have some of this going on.

OK, stuff hit the fan. Grab a bottle of bleach and some towels. This, too, can be cleaned up. With teamwork, it'll be cleaned up even quicker. Folks who know you do your best regularly WILL be willing to help - that's the real nature of most people. The hard part, I know, is asking for that help.

And, most important of all - BREATHE! Nobody is going to die as a result of this mistake, right? Ok, that should include YOU! Breathe, then breathe again. 

[annakoen]

Thank you so much for reaching out. Yes, it's the inner critic that tries to wreak havoc. Writing it down like that diminished it somewhat.

Guess what? Boss wasn't pissed today, maybe *because* I asked for help. He could see we were all making overtime, the whole team, to get it fixed. He adapted his planning and left us to do our work. At the end of the day, we finally, after weeks of agony, got it under control. We're going to do something with the team soon to celebrate the victory, relax and reconnect

My downs last a lot shorter these days, thankfully 

[Wife#2]

  I knew you would find a solution. You're very smart and that's why you are entrusted with your position. Because YOU ARE CAPABLE! 

[annakoen]

Unplanned overtime sends me into a funk. Stress of the past 1,5 hours has not subsided yet.

Stress and cancer are correlated, I hope the stress of the past 30 years won't wreak havoc on my body... It has me worried, but there's not much I can do except to try to relax more now.

Today was not a failure. I was fun, engaging and got * done.

Thank you for the encouragement Wife#2. I fear I am often not able to respond to journals like yours, I'm exhausted most of the time. Please know that my heart goes out to you as well.

[annakoen]

Pain pain pain pain.
Curse curse curse curse.

I made a mistake. I forgot to check a document, and now we have to do extra work to set things straight. Other team members also didn't catch it either, so it's not just me, but I feel extra super responsible, because this has been going on and on and on and on... And to find this fifteen minutes before five!! Argh, it's infuriating. I am telling myself I suck, I screwed up big time, I should have seen this, how could I have not seen this?! People will be so angry! We have a chance at fixing it before anyone catches on, but that makes me even more anxious. I feel like a failure right now.