A Cat without his Cardboard Box (I need a routine, I think)

[goatsandsunflowers]

I have been in therapy for a number of years, yet it helps little.

(I think why it helps little is because therapy in the first place was a means for my mother.. augh, never mind)

If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself, maybe.

I don't have any good friends, and I've had four days off, and little contact with anyone. It's past noon and I'm still in pajamas. I am looking for a step by step, concrete way to start recovering from this latest blowback. I'm like a cat who is missing his cardboard box to squish into. I don't have a cardboard box. I'm drifting. The closest thing to a cardboard box that I've used is eating, and I'm overweight and can't stand it.

This latest blowback was, in group therapy, someone not being very nice. She messaged me on facebook because she was offended by my boundaries of not wanting to be facebook friends. I tried to explain it, but she'd deleted her account. I got called in to work that day and did a terrible job - haven't been called in for extra hours since. The next week I tried to explain again,  and she left mid group. I was shaking. The week after that, she said she understood, as I tried yet again, and the entire rest of group lavished support on her. I swear she had that kind of vicious smile that.. anyway, the point is, I never want to go back there.

Since then the slightest things are hurting me even worse than they usually do. Someone doesn't text back? The world is over, it is my fault, etc. I am in pajamas at nearly 1pm.

I am trying so very hard to read the Pete Walker book, which I"m sure has recovery answers in it, but it sends me down a dark tunnel every time I try to read it. It's so exasperating that the slightest puff of wind will knock me over. The other problem with reading is that I had a mental breakdown five years ago and since then I can't read new material very well, most of what I can read is still in the young adult section (I'm 27).

So I'm looking for a solid routine to do for myself. I don't have much company otherwise, so I'm looking for a way to be company to myself, and to improve myself into being better company, better social skills so I can... no.

I'm looking for solid routines - morning, night, exercise, cleaning- so I have a solid seatbelt, a solid cardboard box to be able to squish myself into. I think a solid routine is a good first step to look at so I can take care of things like friends, relationships, family, down the road. Am I right? What do you think?

...Help?

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS G&S     

The week after that, she said she understood, as I tried yet again, and the entire rest of group lavished support on her. I swear she had that kind of vicious smile that.. anyway, the point is, I never want to go back there.  Since then the slightest things are hurting me even worse than they usually do. Someone doesn't text back? The world is over, it is my fault, etc. I am in pajamas at nearly 1pm.

I can only imagine how hurt and rejected you feel, no wonder you are having a tough time.     A situation like you went through (and especially in a supposedly safe space) is bound to trigger you. If you've been reading Walker's book (and most of us find it hard to read and have to take it slowly and in bite sized chunks), he talks a lot about abandonment as the core wound in CPTSD.  (Here's an article on it by him - http://pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm.)  It's a tough one to deal with but it seems as though your instincts are guiding you toward self-care and compassion, a stable routine, support from others in the future - all good things I'd say. 

Perhaps a change in therapists might be helpful as well?  There's some info here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/ about trauma informed care that may be useful.

Hope you're able to get that nice box to squish into (cats are so funny aren't they?) 

[Three Roses]

I feel tons of compassion for you right now! And I'm not sure why your group sought to comfort her, when it was she who tried to violate your boundary. Maybe your group could explain that!    And is there a therapist or moderator, and why did he or she not step in?

Your boundaries don't need explaining. If it hurts her feelings, that's not your issue but rather one she needs to take a look at, within herself. Your boundaries are YOURS, not hers. After all, you didn't set out to hurt her ... the responsibility lies with her. And all of this could have been avoided if she'd listened to you and respected your wishes! 

[Danaus plexippus]

I don't do facebook at all. Three Roses is correct. Your group T failed to do her job. Your description sounds like an unsupervised school yard. In a properly administered group therapy setting no one speaks out of turn. Everyone gets to express their concerns without getting talked over. If your group has devolved to the point of infighting and backstabbing, it is no longer a "support" group. It's a bag on goatsandsunflowers group and no longer a healthy place for you.

[chairmanmeow]

The physical effects of anxiety take a heavy toll for starters.
We become not us, loose connection to parts of our brains, and spiral into a numb depressive state.
It sounds to me like all the stress has been accumulating and is breaking you down, 4 days in seclusion could be just the thing you actually need to settle yourself and regain the strength and resolve to pick yourself back up again.
Id argue bouts of this sorta thing are a normal part of my recovery, I take a break, I take on much, I retreat recover, wash rinse repeat.
It was only after I really came to terms with the physical effects of my anxiety did I even find myself in the position to get at the core roots of my dysfunction, try to stay strong you are among firends here 

[Cocobird]

i definitely have a routine. i get up, read email, work (i'm a tarot reader for a website. Then i take a book and go out for lunch. When i get back, i clean up a little. At night i watch TV.

The downside is that when someone or something causes me to change my routine, i sometimes have a panic attack. i miss the safety of knowing what to do next.

[theaquarist]

It's so exasperating that the slightest puff of wind will knock me over. The other problem with reading is that I had a mental breakdown five years ago and since then I can't read new material very well, most of what I can read is still in the young adult section (I'm 27).

Woof  I completely sympathize with that feeling. The breakdowns are hard to take, even as I'm trying to type this I'm having a hard time articulating and thinking of words. One thing I know, it gets smoother the more compassionate you are to yourself, not judging yourself, not calling yourself any names. Stay strong. Reading material at all is a gift to yourself, I'm inspired by you to start reading. I've been hiding from it for the past few years.
Good job on starting the book. 

[Bird]

"If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself, maybe."

Dear survivor, I personally think, look for a therapist on your own:))
Because some things are much better to approach if you can share with somebody, who is really on your side.
My recommendation is "relational psychoanalysis" -it is a pretty new development and analysts working in this sense do deeply acknowledge mutuality and are very aware of trauma... there is a book by Dan Shaw, who describes his own story and then how he works with patients who are victims of Traumatizing Narcissits, and reading it, even if it has theoretical elements too, you might get an idea, what a really supportive therapy could be, that helps you looking at the scary experiences thatcome back even in the most usual daily routines, contaminated world, as it felt for me a long time...
Alone is a bit to too heroic, because of course, you have been alone in this  all your life long.. So, look for one;) friendly;)) routine every day, and then for a good relational therapist / relational analyst...Discover how it works to work together...and still be alive and not destroyed for it..
Warmly,
Bird ( I had 3 tries, and waited far too long..which I bitterly regret, now, that I found someone so helpful to work with..don't turn 50 before you dare moving out of the closet;//) Trust is very difficult for people like us, and also to discover abusive communication. Look for someone who puts your safety on top and also emphasizes that you articulate freely any disagreement with him or her.
- because this can help the process immensely..