How to navigate these feelings when you are alone?

[Sienna]

I have a question i really need to ask, as i am desperate for help with this, so if anyone has any experience, things that help them, tips or advice, i am happy to hear it all, if you don't mind telling me.

My question is,
When you are feeling intense emotions- flashbacks back to the past-
what do you do when you are so scared to feel,
and when you feel alone, like you have noting to hold onto?

I know i need to feel feelings that are coming up.
But I'm so scared, a lot of them are flashbacks, but i feel alone, and i can't feel these things on my own.
I feel that i need someone to be there with me, to hold my hand, and to tell me the its going to be ok.
To talk me through it.
I realize also, that this feeling of being alone and scared, is another flashback in itself.
Being alone, feeling these feelings, is a flashback.
What if you are alone, in the present time, , and know one is there, - there is know one in my phone book i can call even.
I also realize that needing someone to be with me, feeling i have noting to hold onto, know one to tell me its going to be ok, are all things that i probably needed and felt as a child, which is why I'm feeling them now.
Im worried that if i let myself feel alone- ie. living on my own- i AM alone, won't it just make the feeling of being alone worse? I don't want it to devolve into panic.

So basically, i am looking for suggestions, and experiences from others, on how to get through this.
Thank you so much.

[Kizzie]

Sorry Sienna, I just saw this but wanted to respond even if it is a bit late.  This is a deep fear I'm working on allowing myself to feel.  I realized through posting here at OOTS that I have spent a great deal of time being dissociated by filling myself up with work, taking care of family, just plain dissociating/numbing through TV, sleep, reading, alcohol, food .....  so that I don't know me, and I'm afraid of not being numb and being with my self.

So I've been working on being present in the moment and in my skin (i.e., mindfulness rather than dissociation), through the Susan Boon book on dissociation (check the Book Club forum), That's mainly what seems to be helping. I'm starting to have days where I can get through without dissociating at all and am feeling more comfortable being on my own (my H is away with work for several months).   I do think we need others in our lives too though, just not out of fear of being alone.

I don't know if this helps but thought I'd share in case something resonates.   

[Sienna]

Kizzie, thank you so much for taking the time to reply!
I appreciate it so much. And what you said and suggested was very helpful.

Im sorry that this is your issue too, and that you have to face this fear.
It feels absolutely terrifying, and I think that you should be so proud of yourself, for saying to yourself that you will try, for trying to be more grounded, - for knowing that you want to heal and not push it away forever.
You are very strong, even in times when you don't feel brave, or strong.
Im learning that it takes strength to get through not feeling strong or brave.

Oh and ps. its definitely not too late. 
I think, that from reading your post, that I am doing at the moment, what you do, (following break up from narcissistic X).
I will be living on my own, when i find my own place.

I think I'm disassociated- T was saying to me that its a bit much and too soon, for me to not feel anything about the end of a whole eight years of a relationship with him.
I know its not normal to have no feelings about it, and that i need to let out all the feelings i supressed and disassociated from whilst in the relationship.
I think i am disassociated, this is my pattern- numbness, and I'm numb out my childhood too- which is where the disasociation started.
I keep hearing ringing in my left ear, sometimes my right, and according to the net, that can happen with dissociation, i think they said with depersonalization. Its like I'm going deaf for a few seconds in one ear, sounds definitely go quiter.

I think I'm running at the moment, but not in the way that i thought, and i think thats because I'm just numb to what happened with X, apart from anger that I'm trying to not let him see as its at him, whilst I'm still at his place, and he may get a rise out of that- T was saying.
Sorry if I'm babbling here.

So yes, basically, i didn't experience the abandonment from him and flashbacks to the past, in the way that i thought i would, anxiety not as strong...i think i intellectualized a lot about the relationship as i realized it was very much to do with my past and the pattern i had created for myself.
Been having heart palpitations though and exhausted whilst having increased energy.

So im not sure if the fear of being alone in my new place will hit. I hope it won't, but if i look at this in therapy, it may hit one day.
My thing is, is that weather the loneliness / abandonment / I'm alone- hits, or if its other feelings that i cant handle, i don't know what to do.

This may help you...
T said that its too scary and too big for me to look at on my own, and she said to imagine a huge animal coming to rescue me when i feel like that.
She said its a distraction for now, but if i need it, i need it, until i can look at these wit her, and until i learn how to face these feelings on my own.
I have been talking to my inner child too a lot.
I do find that messaging someone- even on facebok chat, does help.
I took a risk and messaged this guy, cos he was adminant that he is here for me and to message him if i need to talk. But he didn't know what to say, but people here and T said it means more about him that me.
but talking it out, knowing that someone else is in the world listening, sort of, here with me, helped the feelings to lessen in intensity.
But i know i need to face them on my own in time.

It is horrible to know you go through this too, but it is comforting at the same time, to know I'm not alone.
You saying , that you are afraid to be with yourself, - the inner child in us, they hold the memories and scary feelings. The inner child is us, the real us, so it makes sense that we are afraid to be alone with ourselves.

I have the book you mention, and its really hopeful to hear that it might be helping you, and the you are working on it too.
Im afraid that i won't know what to do with these scary feelings if i am mindful during them.
Im afraid that at this stage, i won't be able to handle them.
I guess i could dip my toe into the water, as T said, (feeling them a little) and if it is too much, just do what i need to go to cope. So maybe being mindful, isn't a bad thing. Maybe i have to take it in steps.

I hope you are coping ok with your husband being away. That is a long time for him to be away.
I do agree we need others- just not simply *because* we are afraid of being alone.
I also hope you have someone who can help you through all this really difficult stuff, ie. a therapist ideal or a good friend or partner.

Thank you so much Kizzie. I am going to finish the book and look at the excursuses.

[Kizzie]

Best advice ever is to take baby steps!  There are three of us working on the dissociating book and it's been tough for all of us.  We have to take breaks so "toe dipping" is probably a good thing  .  Your T sounds like s/he has your best interests at heart in telling you to take things slowly. 

When I went LC/NC with my N FOO I was surprised at how bored, empty and scared I felt.  That's how much energy I used in managing them, living around them - crazy!   So you may find this too, being focused outside of you on your N-exB and then suddenly things go quiet and you can sense/ hear/ feel all the internal stuff start to bubble up.  Just a little bit scary.     When I was alone I would have the TV on and have finally reached a stage where I can stand the quiet of not having it on. It's working slowly on hearing the voices out that seems to be reducing the fear of being alone (younger me feels safer, more trusting?).

I should have said my H is away but home on weekends so it's not that I am totally alone for those months.  Not so long ago though I would not have been able to stay here on my own so I have made progress.  Being in the present is hard though I've found, quite tiring sometimes   but slowly I am getting used to it. If/when I do dissociate now I don't beat myself up, we've all had too much of that (beating ourselves up or letting others do so) imo.

Have you found a place yet by the way and if so when do you move?   

[Sienna]

Hey Lizzie,
Sorry its taken me a few days to get back to you
Things have been rough on my end.

I really empathize with you about the struggles with going LC / NC with your N Foo.
Im sorry you had to do that, but i hope you are better off for it.
It must of been really scary when all that internal stuff came up for you.
Do you mind if i ask, how you managed with the feelings?
And what it was like? ie. did anger come first?
Did anything spark these feelings off?
Did you have any support?

I found that i was bored too, when the lady with undiagnosed NPD left the friendship we had.
Nothing was exciting anymore.
And its weird to me- that we are addicted, they say, to the cortisol- but it makes sense.
Thank you so much for warning me ahead of time, about the boredom, and the fear that might come up, as well as the other emotions coming up.
T said that things come up, when the mind feels that it is safe (subscous mind i presume)

Im glad you are slowly not having to have the TV on.
I do this too a lot. and when i sleep too.
It's working slowly on hearing the voices out that seems to be reducing the fear of being alone (younger me feels safer, more trusting?).
Im guessing you mean, that you are working slowly on the voice with in you that can talk to your inner child and comfort her?
It makes sense for her to feel safer, and more trusting of you to be able to take care of her.  She might trust / be beginning to trust, that you will hear her, and just be with her.
It is hard to trust that other voice.
I don't know about you, but i always feel that something goes wrong if i am in any way good to myself.
And that may be true, living with narcissistic X, but it was that way with my mother.
People with these trauma induced conditions don't like others to be happy or successful as it makes them feel bad.
(sorry if you already know that)
It could also be the way the mind has been set up, so this fear and dread of something terrible happening and the world imploding and crashing down all around may be a learnt pattern that the mind is stuck in.

I am glad your not alone for months and that he comes home on weekends.
I hope you are coping ok during the week, and that you can call him or anyone else for support and company?
I would imagine it tiring staying in the preaaent- as its like, growing a new brain muscle / brain connection- i imagine and for our entire lives, our brains have done exactly the opposite. The dissociation muscle / response may be quite strong and well established.
Im glad you are not beating yourself up so often.
You definitely do not deserve that.
It sounds like you are working really really hard, to break these patterns, these things we and you do, that were put there, dissociation, not being mindful, distraction, -well, un-mindfulness and distraction are also dissociation, beating yourself up etc.

Im glad you think that about my T.

Thanks for asking about the place.
I have been looking for places, but money is an issue,
so as I'm not working at the moment, and due to visual impairment, i am eligible for housing benefit, which is fien, but you have to have a place before you can apply for that.
Im on a benefit at the moment, but apparently its very low and i am entitled for more, so i am sorting that out.
Then i can afford the rest of the stuff flat wise- that housing benefit won't cover.
I have a little job too, which should help with money.

Things are bad with X, so I'm at someone else place, and i need to go into a refuge i think.
i rang them today, but need to call back on Monday for an assessment.
wanted to talk to T badly about what i should do- as like a child, I'm confused and i just don't know, but I'm not sleeping well and missed her call, and she hasn't read her text yet.
So things are up in the air at the minute, and its making sorting things out difficult.
But i will get there.

I hope you are doing ok Kizzie 



Have you found a place yet by the way and if so when do you move?   
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[Kizzie]

Sorry you are having a rough time Sienna 

I remember you posting about the woman you had a friendship with some time ago.  It's just hard for those of us with CPTSD when we feel abandoned, Walker calls it the core wound in CPTSD and I agree.  Imagine how a little child would feel finding themselves alone in a hostile world.  Well that was us way back when and the fear is intense, overwhelming so who in their right mind would ever want to feel that again?   

I was in my 50's before I was able to tolerate glimpses of it and it had to be in very small doses but I think that's why I can be on my own for longer periods and stay present more (the fear has lessened, I'm beginning to know me in a fuller sense).  Mind you I still "go away" by sleeping more than I should, but it's less from fear and more from feeling ... I don't know overstimulated from being present much more if that makes sense.  Perhaps setting our sights on a little bit of recovery/staying present at a time so it doesn't seem like there's a HUGE mountain to climb is the key - baby steps as in most aspects of CPTSD. 

Kudos to you for still managing to sort things out despite feeling as you do.  I hope you get them sorted out soon 

[Sienna]

Thank you so much for the hug Kizzie

I just couldn't believe that you remember that i wrote about the woman i had a friendship with.
I know things people write are in different sections / categories to topic- there is no continuous thread for one person, but you can pick up a picture and understanding of peoples circumstances and what they've been through I've found.
So i was very surprised that you remembered (and a little touched-hope thats not being over sensitive or thinking wrongly)

It is hard when we feel abandoned.
I forgot that he talked about that.
You are right about a little child and that it was us back then.
Its so weird that i don't remember that time as a child. Makes sense though that i would forget it, and I'm sure it happened. And everything connects back to the past.
Everything repeats in cycles- until you can change them.
I must say, i do feel alone in a big world at the moment.

That is a long time before you faced this abandonment- this whole thing. Its a lot.
Its so great that you are trying to face it now, in small bites.
Yes, i imagine that when it is purged from you, even when you have looked at it a little, well, felt it- but really worked through it, maybe the fear lessens a little.
Its like, fearing the unknown, or fearing not being able to handle it, maybe both. Fearing what happened before, even if you don't remember your original abandonment. Im sure the body does though and the sub conscious - your inner child.
I think it would give us confidence too, in our ability to handle these feelings, or actual abandonments in real life, knowing you can get through it, may take the ear away.

I am glad that you are getting to know you. I hope you continue to. That is just so great.
I think that *feeling*, - its a lot.
We have traumatic awful feelings to work through, and feeling when your not used to it, would tire you out.
I have heard, that people, maybe not all, but those with Cptsd, are very alert and aware to the needs of others. Also hypervigelant. Never fully relaxed.
All of this is exhausting.
As well as medical conditions as result of trauma, which i know you struggle with.

I like your idea of taking small steps.
Maybe that means that we can achieve more. Because who knows, if we unleash all of this stuff, it may be just too overwhelming, that it may delay the recovery - working through everything process.

Thank you too for the recognition that this is hard, and that despite that, I'm still sorting stuff out.
It was hard before, but I intellectualized a lot- probably too much, and i know I'm not feeling the feelings that i should be feeling.
My focus has been on *him*, like when the narc lady left, - needed to keep myself safe, but now i have left, I'm sure ill crash when I'm in my own place. But then again- i might not. It was never safe to express emotions living with him, especially if they are about him.
So yes, i guess, i don't feel that credit is due to me..becasue I'm so..not feeling about it.
I do feel angry but I'm so glad that the whole abandonment feelings and anxiety didn't hit like they did in the past many times. No idea why. I think my mind automatically hut it all off because it guessed what the subconscious had planned to come.
It is hard though being homeless etc. I guess i am distracted by being away from that house, with others, which I'm so lucky, even if they are not really caring others.
and worrying about where to go and where to live is a distraction.
I feel like i am fake, like i don't have normal feelings like a normal person. And i do worry that others wonder why i dont seem upset.
If it hits, which it may as I'm in therapy, people if they ever notice- which of course i don't flaunt my feelings in front of others...if they notice I'm not myself / not ok...they might think that its too late to be upset about a relationship that ended long ago.

im not dismissing your compliment. I know it might look like that. I just wanted to be honest.
Sorry for the ramble 
Thank you for being here, i do hope you are doing ok 

[Kizzie]

Sorry for not responding in a more timely fasion, but I have actually had a    week.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing really well in recovery and then poof, it feels like I am back to square one.  Well, maybe not back to where I was, but backsliding.  Just a bunch of pile on's which tends to happen in life as you know only too well, and there I was in that abandonment wasteland again. 

I am feeling better although I have to admit I am really thrown by having a couple of big EFs again.  I learned that I am still afraid in a deep part of me, although not as afraid as I once was as I was able to move out of the EFs more quickly than I used to. I think you may be right that each time we face down the fear it lessens.

I did work to be mindful of the feelings without letting them overwhelm me, and to stay present as much as I could.  Quite the struggle for a day or two, but I am doing better now.  This past week shown me I need to be cognizant that too much stress will cause the trauma to bubble up, but also that I do have real skills and they do work.

How are you doing?