Self care as a trigger?

[tesscaline]

I've been struggling with how to put this question into words for a while now.  I don't want to trigger anyone, obviously, and trying to ask about this without talking about the abuses I've suffered is difficult.  I'll try to be vague, and hope that gives enough background without setting anyone else off.

...

For the past several months, I have noticed that doing things for myself, by myself, has been setting off panic attacks.  Sometimes they're small and I can talk myself down from them.  Sometimes, however, they're full blown meltdowns.  I thought, at first, that it was me adjusting to my partner not being around (and now, us being separated -- that happened over the holidays), but I'm realizing that there's a lot more to it than that.

As a child, I suffered from extreme emotional and physical neglect from both parents, in addition to verbal and physical abuse from my mom (who I wholeheartedly believe is NPD, but of course there's no official diagnosis on that because everything is always everyone else's fault and she's blameless <eyeroll>).  I was the care-giver for my younger siblings.  I made sure chores were done, mouths had food in them, homework got taken care of, baths were had, cuts were bandaged, tears were hugged and kissed away.  Physical and emotional needs were things that other people got met by me, not the other way around, and if I wanted mine met, I had to do that myself too.

So now, going back to being the only one who is caring for me, it's bringing all that back up.  It's hard, because everything I read, everything I've been taught about how to manage my mental and physical health, all the advice I get from anyone (even my therapist) says "make sure to practice self care".  But what do I do when self care itself is triggering?  What do I do when even self-soothing can be triggering??

It's not just loneliness.  I'm not actually lonely.  I don't, by and large, want to be around other people.  And it's not just a "wanting other people to care for me" thing.  Because I'm sick to death of being reliant on other people.  I want to do it myself.  But doing it myself?  It's causing EF's and panic attacks.

I walked to the corner store two days ago, to run an errand, and on the way back, I wound up in a flashback to a situation of what CPS would have termed "child abandonment" had they been called, and then when I tried to self soothe myself out of it I ended up in a full blown panic attack -- tight chest, hyperventilating, heart pounding -- because self soothing just reminded me of the "having to do it all myself" that the EF was about and intensified it instead of lessening it... I ended up having to just keep walking until it passed on it's own, hoping I didn't run into anyone on the sidewalk.   

Ugh.  Has anyone else ever had any experiences with self care being triggering?  Or have any advice about what to do about it?

[Dutch Uncle]

Yes. I can relate.

I don't have much to say at the moment, but I do know (and experience in EF's and dissociation) that every self care I did do was criticized to no end by my FOO. Up to this day.
No self care I ever did was 'good enough'.

So yeah, self care is triggering.

[Whobuddy]

I think I can relate. I grew up in a chaotic household. I have trouble with the self-care of housekeeping to the point that I cannot sleep if everything is tidy. I have contemplated this for years. What I have determined is that it is a multi-layered problems.

Tidying makes me realize I was not parented to know how to do this. Reading books and articles about house care gives me the same feeling. The trend in uncluttering now is to get rid of things that don't give you positive feelings so that makes me realize I don't know how I feel about my things. When all is tidy it is quite bare because I don't know myself well enough to know what I want for colors, decorations, art, etc. That makes me sad. There is probably more to it as well that I haven't figured out yet.

Recently, I determined to work through this even though it is very tough. When I can, I cry about it and that releases some of the bad feelings. At first it bothered me that I didn't know precisely what I was crying about but that is because it is so complex. I just cry and feel my feelings and they pass. I am making good progress and am sleeping better in my neat room but I know this will never go away completely. More like a slow fade.

Perhaps it will be similar with you. Tough through it, you are worth it. Cry, grieve for the childhood you never had, for the parent-care that you deserved but did not get. Know that you are not alone, there are others with similar struggles.

Sending hugs. 

[tired]

Oh geez yes
It's a huge problem

[tesscaline]

Knowing I'm not alone in having self care be triggering is a bit of a relief.  I was starting to worry that it was some sort of freakish thing that no one else had ever experienced.

So... What do you guys do to combat it?  Other than just gritting your teeth and pushing through it somehow, or keeping on keeping on and waiting for it to "get better", are there any tips or tricks?

It's so frustrating, trying to do good things for myself, get my life in order, take care of me, and have it be so... Traumatic. 

I mean, even things as simple as doing the laundry, taking a shower, or brushing my teeth... It's all so filled with anxiety.  Other than taking anxiety meds (which I have an appointment to talk to a doctor about, on my therapist's suggestion), I have no idea what to do about it or how to make it stop.  And it's hellish

[tired]

i  make a list of things that i avoid.  i make it specific and tackle on small thing at a time. like,"this week i will tackle my reluctance to brush my hair". I put it in my calendar and focus on it.  when i work on it i sometimes come face to face with the underlying issue but usually it turns out to be just bad habit. in other words if i do it enough i stop avoiding it.

you can look at other things you do that are self-care that you don't avoid. obviously you do some things.  probably because you do them on autopilot. so you can take things from the "avoiding" list and put them on the "autopilot" list.

i do one small thing at a time because each one might trigger an emotional reaction and i can't deal with a lot at once or i should say i imagine i can't deal with it.  i have this impression that a trigger will kill me when in reality it just bothers me a lot for a few hours. sure it's a few hours that are very unpleasant but it's not the end of the world. 

i don't think waiting is a good idea. sure, you can analyze it and treat the underlying problem then start taking care of yourself but that's not really a practical solution.  your life is now, it can only be now and you can't afford to wait until you have all your ducks in a row. let's say you figure out how to brush your teeth this week.  this week is still a full week that you're alive and you can enjoy life.  so what if you didn't make your bed and your clothes are covered in cat hair (i'm giving examples from my own life). 

this is not technically my attitude but it's the attitude of my adult daughter who is very messy but manages to have a job, so i'm trying to go with it.

[Indigochild]

Hey tesscaline,

Im sorry for the things that happened to you and your struggle with self care.
When we are given the message through neglect and or abuse that we dont matter, we feel apparently- deeply subconsciously that we dont matter.

It makes so much sense- I relate, when you say that if you wanted your emotional needs met- you had to do it- not your parents.
This was the same for me too, and now i dont know how to meet my own emotional needs, and i think that I'm blocked to healing because firstly, i want someone to hear me and to be with me when I'm feeling things. Therapy is good for that.
I know i will have to look after my own self one day, and that its know one else job to do it, but i feel its unfair that i have to do everything myself even now.

I think i just want to be *heard and understood* before i begin tackling my emotions and health myself.

It is very common for self care and self soothing to be triggering.
It could also be to do with hating the body for a number of reasons, one being, for failing to protect you against physical abuse, i believe that not running away and shutting down during emotional abuse- its like the body failed you.
But its know ones fault.

It sounds like you are trying to find a balance between needing other people to rely upon, and being self reliant? Maybe you do need others, and thats ok- but you have bene taught like myself, to rely on yourself only and to be totally self sufficient.

Perhaps when you had that flashback back to abandonment, another flashback happened as a result of you trying to soothe yourself- just like you had to as a child when you were abandoned- so sure, it would remind you of soothing yourself as a child and being alone when you were abandoned.
Pete Walker talks of us having a second flashback after having one, when we try to self sooth etc.
Self care is triggering for me because i worry that as soon as i do something good for myself, the world will come crashing down and i will regret doing it, and also, having flashbacks / being upset- whatever it may be- alone, is triggering and it makes me feel very very lonely.

I dont know how to ease flashbacks at the moment and its something i really need to learn.
Perhaps greiving what we never had, ie. never having supportive others, being alone, being abandoned, having to self soothe and sort out our own problems-
things like that, might help us be able to self regulate in the long run.
And i think that having ie. a therapist with us when we grieve might help to fill the hole somewhat of not having some one there in the past, then we can learn the skills we need in order so soothe ourselves.

Im sorry i dont have any advice at the moment. This was such a great thread to start.

[Indigochild]

Just read the rest of the thread after posting and i have to say, that i wouldnt want anyone to push through and force themselves to do things, because that might be very triggering and traumatising.
Trauma recovery university on youtube, did a video on self care, and they talk about struggles with washing and brushing your teeth...
They talk about splitting things up slowly into little tasks, such as having a shower say, every other day, even to begin with, brushing your teeth only once a day...
things like that.
If there were any negative messages given such as, your selfish for doing that for yourself, that can stand in our way, so its a good idea to look at these messages.

It doesn't fix it, but i find that understanding why parents were that way with us, helps me to be more objective, but really, expressing those feelings and working through them would help a lot i imagine. 

[Whobuddy]

When I'm pushing too hard, I forget to go easy on myself, I forget to rest when I need rest.

So... What do you guys do to combat it?  Other than just gritting your teeth and pushing through it somehow, or keeping on keeping on and waiting for it to "get better", are there any tips or tricks?

It helped me when I found out how helpful it is to listen to those feelings and not fight against them. I think the ideal would be to label the feelings and just sit (or keep doing what you were doing) and feel them. Cry if you can.

I say that is the ideal because often I cannot put a label on the feeling. At those times, I just talk to myself about what it feels like, for example, it feels like a weight on my chest or a nervousness in my stomach.

We grew up without acceptance of ourselves. Give yourself permission to feel any old way you want to feel or any way that your mind and body are telling you to feel. Tell yourself that it is okay to feel that way and listen to those feelings.

As Indigo states, therapy is very good for this. However, I have never had a therapist that really helped with it so I needed to be my own 'therapist' and listen to myself, accept myself. It takes time and that is okay.

[tired]

Today I decided to clean my room which was overwhelming because of the clothes. I get anxious about the amount of self care tasks and I have no sense of how long anything will take. So I decided to try doing it slowly. It sounds odd but I usually try and go as fast as possible and I guess I thought, maybe I'll do something different. I told myself I won't really focus on finishing but I'll just focus on the process of picking up as a therapy task. I didn't watch the clock or try to be efficient. I just did  one thing and then the next. 

I actually finished after 3 hours or so. I it's Sunday so I had time. I decided ahead of time that if I didn't finish it wouldn't matter because my goal isn't to have a clean room. I just want to get over my barriers.

Anyway maybe going slow moment to moment might help somehow.

[Kizzie]

Knowing I'm not alone in having self care be triggering is a bit of a relief.  I was starting to worry that it was some sort of freakish thing that no one else had ever experienced.  So... What do you guys do to combat it?  Other than just gritting your teeth and pushing through it somehow, or keeping on keeping on and waiting for it to "get better", are there any tips or tricks?

It's so frustrating, trying to do good things for myself, get my life in order, take care of me, and have it be so... Traumatic.  I mean, even things as simple as doing the laundry, taking a shower, or brushing my teeth... It's all so filled with anxiety.  Other than taking anxiety meds (which I have an appointment to talk to a doctor about, on my therapist's suggestion), I have no idea what to do about it or how to make it stop.  And it's hellish

Hi Tesscaline - Almost two years ago now I ended up living on my own in a new town for about 8 months while my H was finishing up work across the country and found myself going though something similar.  I starting really having trouble with self-care, household matters and work - *!?!?  I am almost 60 and while I have been depressed before and this was something different.  In addition to being depressed I started having major panic attacks. 

Looking back I think it was for me was being truly alone and lonely, and it triggered all the feelings of abandonment in childhood I had staved off with caring for others, working, etc.  The truth, the reality  hit me really hard and brought younger me right at the surface for all those awful months.  She was not sure she deserved any self-care, was worth the effort AND moreover, did not know how to give it to herself.   What child does if they have not seen it, felt it, learned it?   

I finally reached out to my H and my GP. In addition to seeing a psychiatrist who changed my meds and an addictions counsellor I also started working with younger me.  I began to look at her as I would any child who has been traumatized and doesn't really know how to take care of herself nor feels she is worth the bother.  Like you I had been well trained to care for others, but myself - no idea really.  I started with doing one small thing each day - like brushing my teeth but seeing her as brushing her teeth and as silly as it sounds, telling her how well she had done and didn't her teeth look pretty?  I let her (me) smile at the praise, drink it in.  I let her (me) cry that life seems so hard and reassured her she didn't have to do everything at once, that I was there to help her.  I tried not to pressure her any more, but to encourage and praise, as we would each do with any child who is traumatized and needs much support and caring guidance. Little by little I came out of the worst of it. 

When my H goes away (he's unretired lol) I still do struggle with this to some extent, but now that I know what's going on I try to help her through it compassionately.  We cooked a new dish together last time - normally when I'm on my own I eat out of the freezer so that's progress.  And we did a really fun craft, glitter everywhere! 

FWIW - it's what helped me so thought I'd share it with you.   

[tesscaline]

Wow.  You guys have so many good ideas, and such great insight.  I'm really glad I started this thread.  So much of what all of you have had to say resonates so much with me.  The idea that we grew up without acceptance of ourselves, and ending up feeling guilty for doing things for ourselves, or even outright never having learned how to take care of ourselves emotionally... It's all just so true. 

I'm starting to wonder if maybe, in addition to all of that, I never learned how to feel cared for, and that's making it hard to get behind doing things to take care of myself.  It seems like other people feel satisfied or fulfilled, after taking care of themselves, because they're taking care of themselves.  And I don't feel that way.  I'm not sure I can think of a time when I ever did. 

Which really sucks, because I've finally gotten to a place in my emotional development where I love myself -- not just like, but love -- and it's distressing to realize that, at almost 40, I have no idea how to express or experience that love, even to or from myself.  It's easy to think I might never be able to learn how, and hard to be patient. 

But you guys have given great advice.  Hearing how you all handle it, even if you haven't conquered it yet, gives me hope.  Thank you. 

[tired]

Yes to feel cared for by yourself you would be remembering how someone else did the same thing for you at one time. "Here I am making soup when I'm sick just like mom did ." What if you don't have that.

I'm always going for that latte because someone is making me warm milk. How obvious is that.

I was wondering what kinds of role models or icons of mothering I can conjure up and focus on . I watched "brave miss world" and cried and thought, I wish I had her mother . Or I wish she was my friend who would stop by for tea.  For a short time after watching that I took care of myself. It sort of rubbed off. "This is what caring looks like".  what if there was something I could put in the kitchen that says here is a visual of caring and comfort in case you forget how to do it.

[tesscaline]

So, I tried to talk to my T about this today. She didn't seem to understand at all what I was talking about, and it made me feel... Really alone.  I kinda shut down for the remainder of the session, though it wasn't something I did intentionally.  I think I may need to find a different T. Mine doesn't seem to understand that I have way deeper issues than just a defunct relationship. She keeps acting like everything revolves around my partner, rather than the situation with him being just another trigger.

When I tried to ask her about self care being triggering... She just said to keep doing it, without making any suggestions on how to manage the panic or flashbacks, and that I'd "get used to it" over time. 

I'm trying not to feel defeated. I know it's an obstacle that can be overcome, even if it means switching to another therapist. But man, that was a let down

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear your T did not hear you Tesscaline, I can only imagine how let down you must feel.   

At least you know that it may be a failure on her part and not because of something you did or did not do.  Do you feel comfortable enough to tell her about what happened?  It might help you to judge the fit between you and her better, and if it still doesn't feel right  move on.