Feel like healing/recovery has become my entire life..

[ninabee]

Hello,

This is actually my first post (on any message board ever!), so hey .

After having spent most of my life (I'm a 21 y/o F) playing the observer and watching things play out for others from back in the shadows, I'm starting to find my voice and speak my truth and found that I'd like to share with others who have had similar life experiences. I say this because I've come to realise that I had been putting on a show of "normality" when interacting with others.

Hopefully, some of my experiences can resonate with at least someone and I can feel less alone in the world.

But one thing that has been of slight concern to me is the idea that healing from C-PTSD has become my whole life. I feel like it's the main thing I read about; trauma, the freeze response, dissociation, depersonalisation, etc.

It's really hard for me not to identify with it (rather than see it as just one aspect of my life - my health) and in some ways I don't want to acknowledge it's existence in my "new life". I don't want to act from a place of disempowerment and sometimes I worry that I'll attract predator-like people in my life if I'm not completely self sufficient. It's gotten to the point where I've practically put my entire life on hold (work, relationships..) hoping that I can be eventually be done with my C-PTSD healing, wipe the slate clean and live a normal life from then onwards.

Does this resonate with anyone in any way? Can anyone offer any advice or comments from their perspective? The more the merrier, it would just be very useful to get an outsider's opinion on my mentality from people who are actually familiar with C-PTSD first hand.

Thank you,
Ninabee

[woodsgnome]

Hi, ninabee 

Your tone resonates deeply with my experience. I went through a lot of stages thinking that if I just do this, learn that, take this workshop, follow this program, I'd get a grip on this semi-permanent state of confusion, not to mention pain and grief. And I felt that way long before I could label the experience as what's now called cptsd.

This may sound discouraging, but I don't mean for it to be taken that way. If there were a magic fix, there probably wouldn't be several hundred people who visit this site. And many of those are in various stages of therapy and other approaches.

It's all part of the healing, and it kind of does emphasize how awful what many experienced truly was, to have left such deep scars for so long. It's obviously important, no matter how we seek to deny or move through it as if it didn't exist.

One way I look at it is that I've given up on a cure, but I sense there's lots of healing to be had, with perseverance but also patience. That's problematic in such an answer-driven, quick fix society, but it seems key for one to make it past the first important step.

It's a step you've taken, and yes, it does seem to grab a hold of one's whole being, but better that than not seek to accept what healing can be found. I used to feel needy, always anticipating that magic cure-all. I guess they're all steps, so although it's hard to accept, they do lead us into healing one way or another.

So you're not alone, that's for sure. Being aware, as you seem to be, is huge, and in that sense it's okay to be who you are. And that includes all the healing you can find. It may seem overwhelming, but in the process that's a sign that there is indeed healing happening.

We all wonder if this anxiety is "normal". Sometimes that's kind of a false notion, as if there's a right and wrong way. I think there's a best way--and it's the self-awareness way you've demonstrated by posting here.



 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello ninabee 

Thanks for sharing your story.

But one thing that has been of slight concern to me is the idea that healing from C-PTSD has become my whole life. I feel like it's the main thing I read about; trauma, the freeze response, dissociation, depersonalisation, etc.

It's really hard for me not to identify with it (rather than see it as just one aspect of my life - my health) and in some ways I don't want to acknowledge it's existence in my "new life".

Would you wrote here resonates strongly with me. Discovering a few years back that I was leading a life that was in disarray I started on a journey to find out what and why. I now know this process can be referred to as 'coming out of the FOG', and when I found this site I realized, to my shock, so many symptoms of cPTSD fit the bill for me.
I have not formally been diagnosed. But at the moment this is enough for me.

I like what you said about cPTSD being just one aspect of your life, and not your identity. I think it's important to hold that thought/knowing. For I think it's true. In fact I have a quote in a frame on my wall that sais basically the same: "Don't let your struggle become your identity."
Sometimes it's hard, as cPTSD is quite an invasive condition, and just how invasive it is I only realize now I am starting to understand more of it.
But I am not cPTSD, I have cPTSD. I think this distinction that you made actually matters, in the process of recovery and in acquiring tools and methods to deal with it.
So:  to you, and thanks for reminding me of it once more.

hoping that I can be eventually be done with my C-PTSD healing, wipe the slate clean and live a normal life from then onwards.

This is a magic cure we all want, but I'm afraid there is no such thing. Wiping the slate clean that is. Living a normal life is well in the realm of possibilities, and being done 'healing' as well.
I do tell myself that I will have Emotional Flashbacks, dissociation etc. for the rest of my life, but I will be able to stop them crippling my 'whole life'. I also tell myself that many people dissociate, people we call 'normal'. The main difference they already have the tools to stop it, and they do not have it as much as us. That state is to be had for us too.
It takes effort and training to get there.
An analogy I use: I've learned to walk. I've become very proficient in it. Does this mean I will now never fall again? No. I, and everybody else, can trip over a 1 centimeter height difference. We all do. Does this mean I still haven't learned to walk properly? No way.

Granted, many people have had much better training, education, upbringing in dealing with dissociation and al the nasty parts that come with cPTSD. I'm a late starter. Oh well, that doesn't mean I can't reach the finish as well.

I just realized I have written this post as much to myself, as to you. 

Welcome, ninabee, and I hope and wish this site and community will be an asset and help for you in dealing with the consequences of having cPTSD, and aid in it becoming an ever shrinking part of your life, even though it may mean it will not disappear completely, for ever.

Every human will sometimes trip over a small bump on the road. And get back on their feet again.

[arpy1]

hey, ninabee! welcome 

just want to say, yep, i can identify with everything you wrote. 

it's really hard for me not to identify with it (rather than see it as just one aspect of my life - my health) and in some ways I don't want to acknowledge it's existence in my "new life". I don't want to act from a place of disempowerment and sometimes I worry that I'll attract predator-like people in my life if I'm not completely self sufficient. It's gotten to the point where I've practically put my entire life on hold (work, relationships..) hoping that I can be eventually be done with my C-PTSD healing, wipe the slate clean and live a normal life from then onwards.

this speaks to me, as i feel the same way.  i've come to feel, though, that at this point in my life i simply need to concentrate on recovering from the damage i have accrued over the years. to do this i have to educate myself as fully as i can about cptsd (like DutchUncle, i have no official diagnosis, but my GP agrees with my self-diagnosis. we have just agreed not to put it on my notes in any way)... anyway. yes, i feel like it has taken over my life, but i am working hard to learn the skills i need to put it in its proper place - like you say, just a health issue.  but i can't do that from a position of brokenness. so i have to heal a bit first. that's the plan, anyway. 

i think you have a huge advantage in your age. many of us started our journeys after we had lived without knowledge for decades (the mental health community still has limited research material on trauma, and cptsd hasn't even made it into the DSM yet, so there's a way to go before resources are available properly). you've got a head start, therefore, and from what you write i believe you have the insight and the determination to learn the skills you need to overcome this. be patient with yourself is all i would say, this is not called complex-ptsd for nothing!! and imo, the greatest empowerment comes from the courage to face our own reality and change it. that's my wish for you, and i really hope we can be a bit of support to you as you go. 

[EmoVulcan]

I feel like, I have never left trauma/while even in recovery in some aspects.  I grew up planning (someone called it plotting) to get away to college.
Focused on that and carefully closeted every incident behind a clear glass door, never could forget stuff, I got up to my junior year in computer sci and crashed with the economy.  Then years of crises driven life that haven't ended.  Still some 30 years ago I began attempting to get some help.
Strings of diagnoses,  antidepressants and blame with cruelty from so many.  I know I did not cause my own abuse.  That has not helped the feelings of being treated as an object and not a person.  It set me up for dv.
I spend so much time thinking about how my father had to have had a violent upbringing.  I got to a place early, that i can only feel compassion for the man, but i cannot get to the anger about what he did. I am certain he was in torment even as he used me, and outside those times it was like it never happened.  I heard all the right things, encouragement, and wisdom...against a background of corporeal punishment, verbal shaming and csa.  I did not feel incapable, but I was to be ever tripping over a mental self image vs the object female predators see.  I still don't completely understand this.
But, I just found this place, and a big sigh has left me, because I have hope again for stabilizing.   so much had been telling me it could never get better until someone could validate how I felt instead of ridicule my pain and humiliate or discount my experiences.  Or flat out use me to their own ends.  My spouse has chaffed at the lack of progress of late...and is needing educated.. But I hesitate to tell him I will always have this, he cannot handle my crying jags insisting I should be over this.  Efs is what has been happening.  Knowledge gleaned here I can use, but how do I get to safe, when I have never been there?

[woodsgnome]

EmoVulcan wrote:

"Knowledge gleaned here I can use, but how do I get to safe, when I have never been there?"

It may seem contradictory at first, but being safe has always been on the journey with you, it's just been hidden behind a creaky door that's never been opened, as it appears even creepier to try and open it.

Knowledge is only the hallway to the door. Even when opened, the breezes behind blow in and raise doubts again. This is all so new. Some say it takes time, and I'm sick of waiting, we tell ourselves. But before we give up again, we look around and think not of how it was, but what it can be.

You've been there, so often, and it seemed close, but the door wouldn't budge. Now it has. This resonates so strongly with what I've encountered...so close, 'til the tears, anger, rage, confusion rush in on the breeze again. But I was so desperate I tried again--how could I not? It wasn't the prospect of future gain anymore, it was one careful step at a time; even as the floor squeaks, I step forward and sense it really is better. Safe even.

I didn't trust myself to fully open that door again. Long ago, others came and took my safe feelings away, but then (although it's taken "forever") I learned it was their mistake; that I still have the safe place, and now it's okay to accept that I really am, somehow, unbelievably safe. Even when it doesn't look that way, after the next bad vibe, or ef/trigger--but even that's safe, it's part of my new life. Sometimes the tears obscure the door yet again, but I've learned to try anyway. I think it's that "safe" voice and that I can now trust it.

Your peek in the door has brought you a sense of hope. It might take many more steps. The hardest will be finding a way to let your spouse realize it really is okay, that it's part of your hope and your safety. That this is how it's expressed and without acceptance, that door might be blown shut again. Allowing it to swing shut would be worse than shedding some tears in the process.

Stay with hope, trust the process. You're on the right path now. 

[Dutch Uncle]

What a beautiful post, woodsgnome.
Thanks a lot. 

[arpy1]