Half Life

[The Girl Who Was Me]

How do others of you deal with feelings of frustration about feeling like half your life (or more) has been wasted not being a complete, well person?  One of the things that frustrates me the most about my cPTSD is that I now at 43, only have half a life left, give or take.  I've wasted a full half of a life being broken, not living up to my potential, hindered by things that were beyond my control, but because I didn't get help sooner, so much time is gone.  At this point I'll never be a rock star or a professional dancer or a famous artist. I'll never even get the chance to try in a meaningful way.   I'll never have kids.  I'm stuck in a dead end job I hate because I didn't have the courage to try for something more; I didn't believe I was worth more.   I've wasted half my life and so many doors of opportunity are forever closed.  And I hate those Pollyanna types who tell you it's never too late.  I know people who say things like that mean well and are trying to put a positive spin on things, but really, there are things it is truly too late for, and pretending otherwise is a bit delusional.  I can't go back to school to pursue a different career now, unless I want to incur $60,000+  in debt that I'll likely never be able to pay off.  I can't be young and beautiful and have the world at my feet again.  I can't go back in a time machine and make different choices about friendships and relationships that have impacted my life for the worse over the years and have a do-over so that I can maybe put myself on a better path.  I can only pick up the tattered remains of what is left of my life and try to cobble something decent together out of it.  And I can put on my fake smile and tell myself the lie that these leftover bits of life are satisfying, are good enough.  But it will never be as good as a whole life lived fully, secure in love, fearless, confident - all those things I never got to be.   I just can't make these thoughts sit right in my head and my therapist hasn't really said anything useful in this regard except the generic platitude "things will get better."

[arpy1]

i don't know whether this helps or not, but i think you are right to grieve over what never was.

of course you should grieve and regret and feel cheated and let down and angry. you never had the chance to learn the skills that would have prevented all that happened or made possible all that should have  been. and you're right, you can't get it back. you did the best you could.

the only way i can come to uneasy terms with this, (58 yrs, have known for a year i have cptsd), is to think, ok, well, i am damn well going to spend the rest of my life healing myself. for my own sake, no one else's. it's not the best, not what i wanted but it's the best i can do. that's what holds me when i want to give up (which is kind of most days at the moment). 

ok, i will never get the career i could have, i will never (failing appearance of rich millionaire) have any money, etc etc ad infinitum, i can't let myself go down that road.   but i have Enough. i have enough to heal myself. i can't accept the alternative, so i will do this.

i can't have my Past, that was stolen. i will    have my present. i can't think about my future yet.

and it isn't gonna be a case of cobbling together something halfway decent. it is gonna be a case of creating myself into something beautiful and worthwhile and even if i live in my rented flat on a pittance for the rest of my life, i am going to be a beautiful person becos i bloody deserve to be.

you're not on your own, thegirlwhowasme,  it's a safe place here, you can grieve and grow. much support, thanks for listening to my rant.

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Thanks for your words arpy.  And you aren't ranting at all.  You said some very wise and comforting things. 

Grieving my stolen past is hard.  I don't have any other experience with grief.  When various abusive grandparents have passed away, I've felt nothing but relief and have not had to shed any tears.  So, I really have zero idea how to do this or what to expect.  But I know that people carry on after losing people close to them, so I imagine I'll pass through this period, too.  It's just seemed to be getting worse rather than better over the past few months, which scares me a little.  Until the past few weeks I've been able to maintain my "everything's just fine" public persona, but it's starting to crack.  I've had a few bouts of tears at work that, thank god, have gone unnoticed by coworkers.  And I totally lost my cool and almost came to blows with a recalcitrant printer the other day, which is normally not my style at all.

Living in the present is hard for me when the present just seems like a gaping abyss of misery and dreariness threatening to swallow me up.  The only thing that has kept me going my whole life so far is having something to look forward to.  "Eyes on the prize" has always been my mantra. Get to university, get a job, get a house . . .   When my therapist tells me that it will get better, we just don't know what "better" looks like for me yet, it makes me despair.   It's so hard not to have some concrete picture in my mind of what I am working toward and to know what the steps are to get there.  I feel like I'm flopping around like a fish out of water.

[arpy1]

it is very painful. i know it is very painful. it is so hard to feel out of control, with no firm ground to stand on.  maybe your present 'prize' to set your eyes on could be to find a little bit of a direction to take a few next steps in? it's hard to realise it but the journey doesn't actually go faster just becos you have the road map and know the name of the city you're heading to. you still have to go along a little bit at a time.

so in the absence of a map, maybe searching for the next little step or two?

my current next little (huge,for me) step is to learn that it is ok to care for myself and protect myself from abuse. sounds daft, i know, but i never knew before. it's all i can manage at the moment and i know i can't go further till i have 'got' this on some level. for the rest, my life is a bit of a mess still. so i shall stick with this bit.

[Dutch Uncle]

I don't have any other experience with grief.  When various abusive grandparents have passed away, I've felt nothing but relief and have not had to shed any tears.  So, I really have zero idea how to do this or what to expect.

What you said here resonates strongly with me.
I do think I have a hard time grieving as well, through lack of experience and/or example.

I've had few deaths near me. My Grandparents (thankfully not abusive) passed on at well advanced ages, which made it a loss, but not a devastating one that caused much grief.
My parents divorce was also a relief from the day they announced it, though the process of their divorce was horrible. But only because they behaved like idiots, and shut us kids completely out (which makes it all more an abandonment issue than grief over their ever rotten marriage. That aspect had a huge "Ah!Validated!"-ring to it (all that when I already was 35 ))

Recently though I have been confronted with several big losses, and it has made me apathetic as far as self-care is concerned.
I'm still looking for a T, and am pondering if I should take one who 'advertises' herself as being part of a research study on complex grief/mourning. It's the one with the closest description to cPTSD in my area.

[stillhere]

Anything close to a full recognition of "the life that got away" would probably be too much to bear.  I try to tell myself that I've done pretty well with the hand I've been dealt.  And news from the world outside tells me many times a day that I'm relatively fortunate (so far anyway, not a victim of a natural disaster, not refugee, etc.).

Lately, though, I've been thinking about how much better my recovery might have been, years ago, if CPTSD had been better recognized.  For example, when I went NC with my uNPD mother, now more than twenty-five years ago, the label didn't yet exist.  Prevailing clinical wisdom to "avoid cutoff," so by going NC, I was going against the advice of my T at the time.

Now, as I deal again with new assaults from my FOO, there's a language to name the problem.  And very recently, many new resources – including this forum – have emerged.  Pete Walker's book hasn't yet been out two years.  The messages are very different.

But of course, I'm that much older.  That much more life has passed.

[The Girl Who Was Me]

my current next little (huge,for me) step is to learn that it is ok to care for myself and protect myself from abuse. sounds daft, i know, but i never knew before.

Not daft in the least!  That I can stand up for myself and protect myself is a very recent revelation for me, too.  I had never realized the extent to which I had internalized my family's view that I was worthless, a burden to be passed from family member to family member like some hot potato that no one wanted.  I always believed, well into adulthood, that if other people were bullying me they must be right and I must have done something to deserve it. It really takes an adjustment of world view to say "Enough!"  So, good on you.

And thanks for the good reminder to just focus on the next step or two.  When I feel so miserable, I can't help but want to get out of this rough patch as soon as possible, but baby steps. 

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Recently though I have been confronted with several big losses, and it has made me apathetic as far as self-care is concerned.
I'm still looking for a T, and am pondering if I should take one who 'advertises' herself as being part of a research study on complex grief/mourning. It's the one with the closest description to cPTSD in my area.

So sorry to hear about your losses.  Sending you healing thoughts for dealing with those.

Regarding the therapist, it can't hurt to check her out.  It sounds like she might have the right skills.   And if you don't get the feeling that she's a good fit after an initial session or two, you can always move on and keep looking. 

[arpy1]

thanku TheGirlWWM, 

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Lately, though, I've been thinking about how much better my recovery might have been, years ago, if CPTSD had been better recognized.  For example, when I went NC with my uNPD mother, now more than twenty-five years ago, the label didn't yet exist.  Prevailing clinical wisdom to "avoid cutoff," so by going NC, I was going against the advice of my T at the time.

This really resonates for me.  Twenty years ago, when I was first trying to get help, even though I lived in a major metropolitan area, it was really hard to find anyone willing to help me with my type of trauma, and no one in the "free/sliding-scale" arena, which I needed at the time as a grad student.  And I unfortunately succumbed to the conventional wisdom of avoiding cut-off
(you might regret it later, what if you have kids and they want to know their grandparents, blah, blah, blah). So while I have geographically distanced myself from my FOO, I've had 20 years of going into panic mode every time I see one of their names on the caller ID or a letter in the mail.  I'm so wishing I had gone NC back in the day and now grappling with how to tell people  with whom I've had a fake and terribly uncomfortable relationship for 20 years that I don't want to do it any more.

Thanks for your feedback.  It's always good to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

[fairyslipper]

  This is such a HARD part of the healing and it takes SO much work to get through!!!  Feeling extremely short changed and just plain angry about it. Seeing friends that went to college, who had parents that believed in them, encouraged their skills, gifts and studies, feeling weird because we aren't in the same place emotionally, developmentally, etc that our peers were. Definitely getting older and realizing NOW, how much potential we had in every area, that we never tapped into. Downright pissed off about ALL of it. These feelings are real, legitimate and at times all consuming. I have been there definitely and it is awful. And then there is an almost frantic need to make up for lost time- a hyper phase/period as well...at least for me.....like overdrive....and it is exhausting and draining too. Just like every other level of recovering from this, I have let myself feel it, and have sat with it, until it has run its course. With some things it has taken years on and off. I found out about npd and bpd around 8 years ago. I was diagnosed twice with ptsd around 5 years ago, then with some research discovered cptsd and THAT rang truer than anything for me. After I got passed the worst of the anger what really helped me.....was that I started thinking that yes, it was late for all of this and yes, I probably did not want to go back to college at my age. But a lot now was also NEW for me..........a lot that was old and boring for others that had more normal upbringings.........while many of them were getting bored with their lives, I felt like my world had FINALLY opened up and in a lot of ways my options were endless.....I am not trying to sound pollyanna-ish, but there was a stubborn and angry part of me that said, my foo's diseases and stupidity cheated me out of soooooooooo much life, so much living, I will be damned if I am going to lose anymore of my life because of THEM........and it was like I was completely filled with this new wonder at so many things and just thankful to FINALLY get a chance to try them and get a "taste" of feeling somewhat normal and just breathe. So I didn't go back to college but I did do a yoga teacher training course. I wasn't able to get my dream job, but did start a small business that is doing pretty well and I thoroughly enjoy the work.......Will I ever get my youth back-no- but I choose to stay young in spirit and always learning. Do I have days where I am angry all over again......OH YES....and I let myself feel the rage inside until it subsides....and it does.....it is almost as though giving myself this permission releases the hold it had over me. I get mad and then do something physical, vent, or journal about it and then it passes and I get back to living again. I still have days where I feel cheated, because I was..........WE all were.........but the stubborn part of me just will not let me stay there anymore.............too much living to do........even tho it isn't perfect, it is MILES away from where I was just a few years ago and for that I am grateful. It can seem like such a slow process at times and so frustrating, but as long as we keep moving forward, this stuff does lose the gut wrenching hold it has on us.........I love the research being done on neuroplasticity....by thinking new thoughts and learning new things and then repeating them, this past stuff loses its punch and by the time that starts to happen we are well on our way to creating a NEW way of thinking and a new reality for ourselves. 

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Thanks, fairyslipper.  It's reassuring to read the words of someone who has been there and get it.