Today I feel ..... (Part 2)

[Sienna]

Socially anxious.
Alone, and invisible. I dont feel real. Numb.
Let down by so many. Untrustworthy of everyone. Like there's no point, so why have i been fighting? Maybe there is nothing to keep going for.
Used, abandoned, stupid. Disappointed in myself.
My mind and body are useless. I feel powerless to protect myself. I cant *see* myself, and know body else *wants* to *see* me either.
Despondent. Why are others and why is everything in the world so fake?
Know body cares, so now, i dont care about me either.
There is no place for pain when the only choice it has to only remain in my head surrounded by invalidating others.
I can not protect her and I dont know how. Even if i knew, i cant do it.
Maybe it was too soon...but i can't be a good mother to her. I may as well stuff this whole journey.

[Dutch Uncle]

SeventhFold, what you wrote to Dutch was very sweet.
You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Yes, I agree.

I agree on the rest too. 

[Whobuddy]

Alone, and invisible. I dont feel real. Numb.

I have been in this place, too. Sending hugs. You are worth fighting for. 

[Sienna]

Who buddy, thank you for your message, and for saying that I'm worth fighting for.
I cant tell you how sorry I am that you have also been in that place.
I hope you wont be back there any time soon.

[Errorzone]

Arrogant, and rightly so. If I'm somehow a cancer to society then society deserves to die of cancer anyway.  I'm proud to be a f**king "degenerate".  If my very existence is enough to bring this nation to its knees, then let America burn and let me dance in the fire. I revel in being a sodomite. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.

[healingjourney]

Surprisingly calm. I hung out with a friend and I didn't feel any emergency to be somewhere else or do things differently. I felt confident in my choices, very mindful, and relatively content. I feel very aware of others wanting to control situations being a trigger for me and having boundaries and also not fighting people back for that control has been revolutionary to my way of thinking and happiness quotient. I will keep the path I'm on.

[healingjourney]

Arrogant, and rightly so. If I'm somehow a cancer to society then society deserves to die of cancer anyway.  I'm proud to be a f**king "degenerate".  If my very existence is enough to bring this nation to its knees, then let America burn and let me dance in the fire. I revel in being a sodomite. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.

You remind me so much of my college self (I hope this doesn't offend you). I used rage to fuel my progression through the ranks of life successfully. But the success we gain fighting society ultimately feels like fake success. In my 30s now I'm trying to heal my relationship with society. Because we ultimately have to decide whether we want to rejoin the world that was cruel to us, or whether we are going to shun it. Nowadays I can sometimes say I want to rejoin it. I'm hoping to eventually be able to rejoin it fully.

[Sienna]

Trigger warning ****
Oh my Gosh Vengeance Absolute, I feel this way too.
When shame is preasent- i mean- really present that i can feel it, i feel like others dont want me here, like i have a stamp on my head saying look at that weirdo, how shameful she is.
It comes from being bullied in school and people still now staring and commenting on the street about my hair colour, which i can not help as its because of a genetic condition.
I went about for a while being angry at people. Thinking- well, I'm shameful, I look odd, but i didnt ask to be this way. I guess i saw the world as being like my narc mother who tried to change me in every way possible, including my appearance, and she told me it was right that i was bullied, it was my own fault.
But on those days when shame is so huge, i think that everyone can see it, and that know body wants me to be around, even in this coffee shop that I'm sat at. I feel less than everyone else and like i should not exist at all in this world.

I like this Vengeance:. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.
I am sure that you are not what you think you are, and if you are different, i do hope you can wear that with honour. I think that also, because of trauma, we see things differently, we see truths about life and society and the world that others dont see, and it can feel like we dont fit.
I think we just have to find others who accept us, and who maybe understand our maybe more mature view of the world. 

[Sienna]

Fed up of being triggered. I hate it. I'm fed up of feeling disappointed and agitated. I'm fed up of the pain every day coming back round and round again and again

[Sienna]

Absolutely exhausted, but accomplished.
I rang the benefits people today- need to top up my low benefit for housing and extra costs as housing benefit wont cover it and need to get into my own place before i can apply for housing benefit.
so thats good. Things are moving and they are sending me a form to apply.

[Silverlight]

Good luck with that Sienna. Hope it gets sorted quickly for you.

I'm sick and achey today,  but emotionally feeling in a better place as I've worked through some stuff with the support of my mum and boyfriend.

[Sienna]

Thank you very much!

Im sorry to hear your sick and achey. I hope you feel better soon, and that *something* eases the aches. I know how hard it is to make the aches go away.
but emotionally feeling in a better place as I've worked through some stuff with the support of my mum and boyfriend.nd achey today,
yay! I'm so glad to hear that.   

[Sienna]

ANGER at:
not being able to assert my own boundaries.
Anger at people just walking into my room- the rare times i dont lock it- with out knocking and waiting for a reply from me first.
Angry at being told to *shush* by a man who probably hasnt worked through his own * when i asked him how he was, after he asked me, and gave me *no reply*.
(Narcissist lady was right- he is not a good person, and he did this when known else was around).
Then..anger at X for overstepping my boundaries, (even the ones i put up).
I feel violated and like my body and my space are just up for grabs and people just take it, like i dont matter, like they think that that is ok.
Angry at not being able to let out the anger that i do feel (which is rare so any feeling like this should be let out)
Angry at myself for my own voice / (throat chakra) for failing me when i need to speak.
Its like my whole being is not strong enough.

[Danaus plexippus]

Dear Sienna,

Visualize a celestial, blue rose. It is fully open and uniquely scented. Place it on your throat area, the Fifth Chakra. Repeat in your mind: "I am recharging my throat center of Hearing as well as speaking, graciousness, harmony resonance, self-expression. It is healthy, powerful, and full of life energy" Take a deep breath in, relax, breath out with a hum, smile, repeat!

Namaste,
Danaus
P.S. Yes, I am a certified yoga and meditation instructor.

[Kizzie]

IAW our guidelines I'm going to lock this thread and start a Part 3.