Today I feel ..... (Part 2)

[Sienna]

Dutch, I just wanted to thank you so incredibly much for everything, and for all your support.
Thank you for encouraging me to call the refuge again.
I called and they have a space. I am moving in tomorrow.
I wrote a post this morning, but it didnt send due to internet, to heres my second try.
I cant thank you enough.
I hope you are ok Dutch. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Well done, Sienna. 

I'm happy I have been of assistance. Thanks for your kind words. 

[Sienna]

Thanks Dutch, and thank you.
No worries, you deserve them all (the words)

[Sienna]

Not too bad, but i have a job interview for care work that i didnt know about until today and its this Wednesday.
I get so angry trying to prepare for interviews.
I dont know what my strengths and weaknesses are...
and i know ill go blank in the interview.
I feel like such a faliour.
I dont have time to sit and research and ive lost all my notes on interview stuff due to my laptop breaking and now i have it back but not all the notes i made.
Should a person really have to sit and try to research and intellectually figure out who they are so that they can explain it in an interview??
Im angry. and frustrated.
I can't do it.
And the woman who will interview me said ill be fine..that I'm worrying too much.
But most people can seem anyway- to just sit there and just talk in the interview..even if they are not prepared, but i can't. I wont be fine. It will be a disaster and i will come across as a mess of a person.
And if i prepare i forget all of it anyway, my memory is no good, especially sort term memory when there is no time to try to drum things into my brain to remember.

If i try and fail, thats not good, and if i dont try, then i feel like a favour.

I swore id never do an interview ever again- although i might have to one day.
I just didnt expect this an i thought i already had the job. I thought it would be easy.
She hasnt given me much notice- i mean- a days notice???

Then i start feeling that I'm useless and that i have nothing to offer, and even if i did, I look like an idiot and just so stupid because i can't convey it in the interview.
Interviews to me seem like the person has to come across as polished and perfect- and i am not that at all. I never was, and i never will be.
I feel lesser than everyone else. I feel dirty and tainted.

[Kizzie]

Walker has an exercise that might help even though you don't have a lot of time.   He has clients write out a list of good things about themselves and to either memorize it or have it close at hand when the IC gets ramped up.  You could do that and read it before the interview.

I know you to be brave, sweet and that you think deeply about things and people so you could start the list with that    

If you are going to be interviewed for care work then let the interviewer see you that side of you, you don't have to act because you are a caring person   

[Sienna]

Hey Lizzie,
(difficult day yesterday...buisy in evening...interview last thing on my mind..so sorry i  couldnt reply.)

Thank you so super much!!
That is amazing! I will definitely check that out from Walker.
I *need* to look at these thoughts and self talk as the inner critic.
I do feel better when others say nice things on the forum to me..kind of..helps me to keep going and to feel stronger...so this might work. (Walker)..
(i know that i have to believe these things and internalise them as my own inner voice...so I'm not saying that I'm not aware of that.)

I know you to be brave, sweet and that you think deeply about things and people so you could start the list with that    
Omg - thank you so much Kizzie!  That is so lovely of you.

Im not sure if i let any of my..personality come across..but i did explain about being able to understand others..when asked a scenario question regarding clients feelings...
And I didnt freeze!! So I'm happy about that

Thank you again Kizzie. You are lovely. 

[Kizzie]

Sounds like the interview went well - bravo 

[Sienna]

Thanks Kizzie! 

[Sienna]

Alone. Sad. Like know one cares.
Realising tonight that i may have been sexually abused by narc x.
Im more numb about it than i should be, but i just wish that someone could be here with me. I dont need anyone to validate how I'm feeling (maybe a little in case I'm wrong)...
but i just feel alone and need some comfort.
My head is spinning.
I told a *little* about how i was doing when i was asked by a friend tonight on Facebook..and i knew this..they are emotionally unavailable and just dont know what to say.
i never put too much on anybody. But sometimes it feels like i will explode with all this stuff.
I just feel...alone. And i know I'm not listening to the little person inside of me. Sometimes her pain is just so big i dont know what to do with it. What a terrible mother i am to her.

[Dutch Uncle]

... again, at this first anniversary, how validated I felt by an e-mail I got. Yet at the same time it held a specified warning that I was being set up for horrific abuse by a group of supposed care-givers. The warning seemed outrageous. The warning basically said there was no escape left. I was going to be abused, no matter what I did, or would not do.
It tore me apart.
I trusted the warning was bogus. How could it be true? These group of people had presented themselves as a safe haven.

The warning proved to be valid. I learned that all to soon. It had all been a set up. Not by the whistleblower, but by the rest of the group.

Today I mourn for trust once more violated. Intentional. Premeditated. And executed with deadly precision and malicious intent. Conned again by sweet words paired with venom. An iron fist in a velvet glove. 

[Sienna]

Dutch,  :bight:
Im so sorry.  And I'm sorry your trust was violated.

These group of people had presented themselves as a safe haven.
I bet you feel torn apart!
Its so difficult when we dont trust our intuition, or when it seems we were fooled.
And seeing it after its all over is difficult.
Its not your fault Duch. Its not you, its them. I hope you can know that on some level whenever the time is right.

I have to say, i really like how you describe what happened.
We are here for you all the way as you morn what happened to you.
Theres not much i can say to make it better, but  I want you to know that i understand and that Im here for you. You are not alone in this.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you so much, Sienna.

To mourn, it is something I was never allowed to do, it was never taught to me. "Ah, get over it, don't be so sensitive", is basically all I got when growing up. And this message was continuously re-affirmed in adult life as well.

For me, allowing me to have feelings of mourning is part of recovery. And I'm happy to be here in a community that allows me to learn how to do so.

[SeventhFold]

I came in here to gripe about feeling anxious from this stupid Prozac I'm taking, but Dutch Uncle, I'm sorry to hear about the betrayal you've suffered. You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

[Sienna]

I hear you Dutch. I was never taught to mourn either, and was told exactly what you were told growing up with FOO.
Trigger Warning-
Of course, they are still like this and cant be counted on for anything.
People in society seem to have this attitude too. And others dont always understand when they have not been through the experiences that we have.

I am glad your here Dutch, and I hope you can learn how to mourn.
Whatever comes up, we will all support you. (I know i definitely will if you ever want to write about what you are going through- *typical* mourning or not)
:bight: here for you Duch

[Sienna]

SeventhFold, what you wrote to Dutch was very sweet.
You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Yes, I agree.

I just wanted to say, that I hope you dont feel bad about writing about the Prozac and your anxiety.
What you are going through is very valid and real. Anxiety is terrible to experience / live with as well as is dealing with side effects from medication.
I hope you are ok.