Part 2 of the original thread "Today I feel ....."
like utter crap. Hopelesness, helplesness, despair, toxic shame.
So sorry to hear that Convalescent :hug: I hope tomorrow is much better for you.
evicted
That sucks, Hysperger. I see it has been a little while since that post. I hope that you are doing alright. :hug:
As for me, I feel silly but determined to try to "assess what conditions my ex and his father might have".
grateful to have found this forum
like i'm coming out of amnesia
like maybe I'm ready to start being myself (whoever that is), maybe that would be a person worth being.
"I am already doing the right thing."
Oh, and thanks NyxBean. Your kind words did not go unnoticed. I simply had no words, no reply. But it did mean a lot to me. :wave:
Sad, hurt, reflective yet compassionate..
I feel like lighting a candle and wrapping myself in a blanket, and I am!
... relieved my uHPDmom has cancelled her Jubileeee. I dreaded to go there (today), but she 'fixed' that for me :thumbup: .
Thanks mom ;D .
Afraid.
Nothing new there.
I am always afraid.
Unsteady and unsure, but feeling like I have more strength than I have had in quite some time to keep pushing forward and find my self-worth so I feel like living again.
:umbrella: DaisyMae
Afraid.
Family event today; I am taking Nmum along, which adds to the strain, but my daughter will be there as well, so that will help.
This too will pass.
Physically not so great (nasty summer cold)
Otherwise, surprisingly strong. After surviving a mother of a panic attack a couple of days ago.
Today, I feel very good. I have, in the past week, gotten a physical and a mammogram, both of which were 10 years overdue.
I am grateful that I have Pete Walker's book From surviving To Thriving to read, this site as a source of knowledge and comfort and a little more ground with which to work on me.
I feel good about myself for being honest with my new doctor about me and where I am presently.
I do believe that I am finally learning what self care is...
Thank you to each and every one of you for being here. I am so very grateful for you and your gifts.
I'm glad you are feeling good, Lifecrafting and I hope you're still feeling as good because you deserve it!
Today I feel.....kinda confused. My best friend doesn't think I fit the symptoms of PTSD and my trauma isn't severe enough. I still think I might have C-PTSD though. :stars:
Dear woodsgnome, allow me to give you a hug.
:wave: :hug:
nervous and apprehensive, I have to go to court in a week and a half over custody of my children. Inadequate not sure I'm good enough to raise them alone. Petrified of failing yet again.
QuoteI'm glad you are feeling good, Lifecrafting and I hope you're still feeling as good because you deserve it!
Thank you Vrizzy!
QuoteToday I feel.....kinda confused. My best friend doesn't think I fit the symptoms of PTSD and my trauma isn't severe enough. I still think I might have C-PTSD though
This was a few days ago you said this; I hope you have a little more clarity today!!
Happy. I just got a mail-to-all-kids from uHPDmom, that she's going on a holiday trip, and she has made uHPDsis the contact person in case of emergency.
I think she's unto me not wanting to have anything to do anymore with her Dramas.
:cheer:
today i am sad. don't know why, can't seem to settle to anything, just feel low and numb and not a little confused.... :blink:
but hey, DutchUncle, i am glad for you, glad the message is getting thru where it needs to. stay strong.
I feel...wonder, strength, and gratitude...
The wonder...how it is I can bounce back from being so sad and spent lately? I know the why of my emotional fatigue, but the wonder is knowing there might be a break in those low-hanging clouds, at least for a while. Which leads to...
...the gratitude is for the strength that supports the wonder...and that strength comes from the people on this forum...I just wish I had more to give back than some clumsy word-choices. . So...let me at least try this:
:bighug:
You had the strength, Woodsgnome, to welcome me to this forum, just two days ago.
I am grateful for that.
Tired. Worn out.
I feel your pain dutch...I had to take my children back to their grandparents yesterday after a 4 day weekend with them. I am grateful for the time I do get with them.
Hopeful about how the day will turn out.
I got up early, and that brings me peace.
When I don't get out of bed early, I get frustrated with myself for letting life pass me by.
But today, there's good potential.
Exhausted, powerless, depressed, and sad. And in the need of just... someone being there. Giving me a hug or holding my hand. Just want my life to be OK.
Convalescent,
Your life is more than okay...it's magnificent. I didn't say your circumstances are or ever were ideal -- but YOU, as you, are; and deep down, always have been. And those circumstances can be worked with; and they'll reflect the good person you are, and always have been.
Thank you for being here, for sharing, and for your honesty. For being YOU--all the time, wherever you are, wherever you go, and know there are those here who support your every step.
:bighug:
Quote from: woodsgnome on December 14, 2015, 02:56:16 AM
Convalescent,
Your life is more than okay...it's magnificent. I didn't say your circumstances are or ever were ideal -- but YOU, as you, are; and deep down, always have been. And those circumstances can be worked with; and they'll reflect the good person you are, and always have been.
Thank you for being here, for sharing, and for your honesty. For being YOU--all the time, wherever you are, wherever you go, and know there are those here who support your every step.
:bighug:
Thank you :hug: I've hit rock bottom the last half year, and been self-medicating since then. I've realized the extent of what it actually does to me. I can't continue with it, it really * things up. Feel like I've been in a war for the last six months... and long before that as well. I really need some self-compassion and to take care of myself. You know, that feeling that you're playing on your own team, and begin to heal. I've been there before, and I really need to get back into it.
I'm so sorry to hear you hit rock bottom Convalescent :hug: I've been there too, self-medicating to numb myself so much so that it became another problem on top of what I was already dealing with. It is not a good place to be but realizing you're at bottom is the first step up. I don't mean that to be trite, I found that it took a lot of courage to let the thought into my consciousness, that I had hit rock bottom and needed help that is. It was a game changer for me and I hope it works that way for you also :hug:
Today I feel like I am a terrible person. I feel anxious because any minute now the universe will punish me.
Thank you, Kizzie :hug: I don't have a lot of words as of right now, but thanks for the hug.
Today I feel... very very tired. And angry. And sad.
Woah tired, i feel like this too, that the universe will punish me. I guess really, it is my mum, because it always was her. Ruining everything I wont go into it.
Im sorry you feel so anxious. :hug:
Today i feel tired, lethargic, split in two=powerless but wanting to be strong and peservere.
Angry, but now numb, just sleepy
Sad and alone. Im in this grief alone, and know one will understand it apart from you guys, and my T - if in fact she's truthful when she says she does.
Confused as partner doest notice. Maybe I'm good at covering it up. It comes out of know where. Or maybe like my dad, he just doesnt notice, and thats scary.
Known can help me, apart from me. Yet again, i have to have my own back. Im my own protector as i always had to be. I have to look after little me.
Numb. Its gone away = empty- where did it go?
Confused...as how to unleash this sadness inside. Christmas is hard.
Will turn to usual resources so as not to feel as alone, such as cptsd literature and videos.
It will probably come back, this grief.
No idea how to tackle the holiday. I should have been more prepared.
Just needed to offload, I dont have anybody.
hey Indigo I am sending you a hug. I (and most of us here) know that loneliness. when I am doing guided visualisations, I often like to imagine there is a tribe made up of all who are on a healing journey,, being connected in the universe. and it does make me feel less alone.
glad you are seeking to be resourceful and take care of yourself
by the way, I also very much related to what you had said previously about feeling that "the universe will punish me" - I get so looped into that one. ugh. when I am in that place, guided imagery does help me, somewhat too - maybe that is already one of your resources? (you mention videos...)
hugs
Hey Yvette,
Thank you very much for the hug. Heres one for you too: :hug:
That sounds like a really nice visualisation. Perhaps one day we will come into contact with others more regureally who understand this stuff, and perhaps who are not damaged and dysfunctional any more.
Trigger warning----
Yes, my T said to me that my mother used to take anything good away, anything she did or said, she would fake her emotional support - if she ever gave it which was hardly ever, then trash it, emotionally abuse me and shame me for struggling etc etc. any talents she noticed she would shame.
I thought of this figure as god- the one who will punish me now, but i think its really the universe, as i dont believe in god.
Maybe we manifest that into our lives to- that being- that as soon as something is good - oh god- its going to be taken away- bad luck is around the corner, so perhaps thats why it happens.
I am not out of this one yet, but i did read an article which i will need to find again to send you the link-
but it was a bout the scapegoat who has a narcissistic parent- and how they feel that the world will punish them all the time.
When they leave home- they will keep punishing themselves, because the parent isn't there to do it anymore
I used to call it- keeping myself in line.
The parent was so jelous of the scapegoat, that they ruined anything good they did and anythign good about them- so now the scapegat- because they believe they are worthless beings- they ruin things for themslevles-
and the narcissistic parent has put in place this fear of things going wrong for he scrapegoat-
and the result is what they always wanted for the scapegoat child-
that they dont try anymore. They dont expect much of themselves, they dont ie. draw or paint anymore...they just dont.
and if they do, they are not proud of it, they worry someone will abuse them for it.
Hope that makes sense.
That made me mad, that she did this to me, this cycle of fear thoughts in my head. I dont want to let her beat me. This feeling is just so hard to shake.
I havent tried guided imagery.
I watch Spartanlifecoach etc. some times a video is made at exactly the right time for me - as in it matches what is going on in my life at that time or how I'm feeling.
There were no such as i guess its the holiday period. I have you guys, and i have my books.
Thankyou so much for being here :hug:
No idea how to tackle the holiday. I should have been more prepared.
In all fairness to yourself Indigo, how can you prepare though? It's just such an emotional and evocative time of the year. I thought I was fine and yet out of the blue (or so it felt), came this abandonment depression and an EF. I had a similar reaction to what you are describing - deep fear and depression that the good things in my life would be taken away yet again. Even though I am not in touch with my PD FOO, their ghosts still haunt me. Much like you, I got angry when I realized the past was still invading my present and that helped, and also as you did, I went to the readings to figure out what was going on to take the EF down as much as possible and posted here.
Pete Walker talks about understanding (and accepting when we are able to), that we will always carry this the past with us as it is part of us, that it may rise up from time to time, albeit less frequently and less intensely than it did. I don't like it but I think he is correct given how I (and others here like you) reacted this Christmas. Key for me is the notion that the grief and fear will subside and not overwhelm me as they once did.
Perhaps a positive thought to hand onto is that you have won in that you are here, you are speaking up and you are recovering although I know it doesn't feel that way right now. I like to think of it as symbolically giving the finger to the PD folks in our lives who sought to keep us down. "Take that, you did NOT beat me, so there!" ;D
I feel anxious. I thought the holiday season was over, but my daughter invited me to hang out for a while on New Years Eve with Tom's family. I can't drive after dark, so it seems kind of silly. I am still decided what to do.
1. accomplished: i vented my anger about a family member to her sister, which was borderline inappropriate but i needed to and she's a safe person. i feel like i was good to my kids and i rarely feel that way. i felt more aware than usual, about my behavior. and i made new years resolutions that are small and specific and i'm going to try one per week. small changes.
2. fat. I ate too much and i don't care. i don't like to not care. i started the holiday at a good/low end of good weight so i ate a lot but. didn't eat junk food; just a lot of food. not my usual hoping-to-lose-before-the-next-binge meal plan. i watched a documentary called brave miss world and i loved the woman in the show and wanted to be like her but she's very thin. i decided to wear a hat like hers and that would be the similarity because it would take me a long time to actually look like that.
Today I feel...exhausted but somehow hopeful.
Both are directly related to starting with a new therapist yesterday. It's exhausting to be on that road again (this is t #10), resisting the urge to bolt but yearning for a rare outsider's take on this tortured soul.
The hopeful part isn't connected to a desired end-game. Or so I thought. After the typical all-over-the-map first session, though, I know exactly what I need to achieve—honest and full self-compassion, self-respect, self-love. I've mouthed the intent so often, but always the feelings have proved elusive and I disappeared back into the bubble I've felt trapped in for decades.
Can that be real for me, that beacon of hope I can sense but never find? I want to stop thinking and surrender to possibility. Words won't get me any further; they're old hat, but those feelings...it would be so freeing to just hear that bubble pop and FEEL the peace rush in and cradle me. It's all I've ever wanted.
You go Bro! :thumbup:
Wishing you the Best, :hug: .
today i feel exhausted, anxious, hopeful, jealous, and amazed. i did a lot today.
Worthless, not good enough, not motivated, exhausted, while too hypervigelant.
Self destructive. Un hopeful, like there is no hope, and no help.
Thinking that therapist cant even help me. Sessions are so difficult.
Trapped in my own life, trapped within myself.
Confused, flashback or not? Is it his fault?
Is it both of us?
Self blaming. Unworthy of this relationship.
Unsafe. Scared all the time. Its never ending.
Like a horrible person.
Like I'm falling into a hole, and I dont want to go down there. Unmotivated.
Guilty. Uneasy. Like i cant face the world.
Sad, and now I'm crying real tears, which *never* happens.
Alone. in pain. I want it to stop.
I want to get off this crazy train that is my life. Ive had enough.
Thinking I want to go back on meds, even if it wont help much.
Feeling like i could just fall apart.
:hug: , Indigo. :hug:
Indigo,
My heart goes out to you! Please do not give up hope. I have felt the same way and can completely relate. It is okay and will be okay. Remember, you are not alone. We walk with you and are here to support each other. The hypervigilance is exhausting and therapy is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. Change is difficult, especially when it is you that you are working to change.
I never cried either but I am able to accept know that it is okay to cry and let the tears fall. You are strong and resilient. You are valuable, you are worthy, and have nothing to blame yourself for. You are as much a victim of abuse as the rest of us hear. We didn't bring it on ourselves but unfortunately we are the ones that have figure out how to work through it so that we can actually live life. I still feel alone and it is painful. Hang in there, it gets better! I promise! And, remember, we are here and anytime you are feeling low, please reach out to us for support! You are safe here.
Lol, MaryAnn :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thankyou for the hug Dutch
MaryAnne,
I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a lovely reply.
My aim wasn't for replies, just for a simple outlet for myself, only it did help me to get in touch with how i felt, but i do really appreciate it.
Thank you for telling me that it is safe here and for reminding me that I'm not alone, and also that i have suffered abuse just like the rest of you.
I worry that I'm a terrible person because of the abuse...even if i know logically that its not my fault, I'm just very confused at the moment and not feeling safe.
Im super glad that you were able to cry.
I tried talking to my inner child, but i dont know how to help her when we both see things the same way. Its hard, but thank you for being here. It means a lot.
Indigo :hug: :hug: :hug:
Mary Anne,
im so sorry you feel alone, how could i have missed that part of what you wrote?
im so sorry i did and the fact that i never meant to, doesn't make it ok.
I'm sorry. i feel alone too, so i understand very much. we are all here for you.
big :hug:
I felt like i had a big, slab of hot painful fire inside of me, filling me up entirely.
It hurt my body.
My stomach is sore.
Im very *very* anxious, feeling lots of anxiety,
(due to having to say with narcissistic X while i look for my own place)
Hyperviglenat, I have heart palpitations
Im scared of hm.
Really *really* scared of him. :spooked:
I talk to the little one inside of my head, and sometimes it eases things for a minute.
I have to try to accept, that these feelings while not being expressed, may not go down s quickly as i would like them to. And its wrong of me to want her to stop feeling...for it to ease,
but i don't blame myself either.
I need to keep safe, but at least i now *know* that by holding everything in, i am to helping my inner child.
And that is something, even though it isn't the best.
Now I'm understanding more and more why i had to do that growing up- why i couldn't *feel*.
It all links back to the past, and this experience, and seeing X for what he really is...is helping me to understand why i had to hide and resort to the measures i went to, and why I dissociated growing up.
I am so appreciative beyond belief for all the lovely people here who understand.
I'm beyond sick of having to live in a world where my trauma is mocked, yet my abusers continue to even draw breath. I can't remember the last time I slept, yet I am physically unable to. I just sit there catatonic, all the tears I had in me spent ages ago, damned to look on in paralyzed terror as the carcass of my sanity is raped endlessly by the seven billion worthless maggots that call themselves humans. I could type until my fingers snapped off about how this world has mercilessly defecated all over me, but it wouldn't be of any use because I probably brought it all upon myself, right?! And if I call my torturers out on their atrocities then somehow I'm the bad guy?! I can not win. Hypocrites, sadists, abusers and traitors are all I've come to expect from this world. Any compassion I've ever known always turns out to be a cruel lie and any hope I feel is ripped from me sooner or later. Someone just come over and put me out of my misery. I deserve to exterminated anyway for being a sodomite and degenerate, my very existence is a crime against nature, remember?
:hug: to you, Vengeance Absolute.
And :pissed: to all your abusers and those who put the blame on you. :chestbump:
You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, and don't believe those who tell you your existence is crime against nature. :thumbdown:
You are a worthy human being. :yes:
Hey VenganceAbsolute
Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible.
I bet you are sick of living in a world like that. I hear you.
Im definitely not trying or wanting to talk you out of your feelings, i just wanted to say to you that,
I really do not believe that you brought it all upon yourself.
These people - there way towards you, their abuse, makes you think, that it is all your fault, - even if they haven't actually said it verbally, though they might have.
When you encounter over and over others who teat you the same way, of course you would think hat you just deserve it.
it is not your fault that they are this way.
And if I call my torturers out on their atrocities then somehow I'm the bad guy?!
I know. Its mightily unfair to put it mildly, - but i want to tell you, that that is their issue, they either can't see what they are doing, that their behavior s wrong, or they can not ephatise with how it effects you, or they cut deal with the fact that they are wrong so they put the blame on you.
Any compassion I've ever known always turns out to be a cruel lie and any hope I feel is ripped from me sooner or later.
I understand, and i hope that one day, you can meet others who really mean it when they show you compassion etc.
I know its so hard to believe that its not your fault. But from an outsider, who also understands so well, thing that its my fault, I'm here you, and i don't believe it is your fault.
:hug: :hug:
Quote from: Sienna on April 30, 2016, 09:52:46 PM
Hey VenganceAbsolute
Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible.
I bet you are sick of living in a world like that. I hear you.
Im definitely not trying or wanting to talk you out of your feelings, i just wanted to say to you that,
I really do not believe that you brought it all upon yourself.
These people - there way towards you, their abuse, makes you think, that it is all your fault, - even if they haven't actually said it verbally, though they might have.
When you encounter over and over others who teat you the same way, of course you would think hat you just deserve it.
it is not your fault that they are this way.
[...]
I know. Its mightily unfair to put it mildly, - but i want to tell you, that that is their issue, they either can't see what they are doing, that their behavior s wrong, or they can not ephatise with how it effects you, or they cut deal with the fact that they are wrong so they put the blame on you.
[...]
I know its so hard to believe that its not your fault. But from an outsider, who also understands so well, thing that its my fault, I'm here you, and i don't believe it is your fault.
No I hear you, I really appreciate the empathy that you're offering me. I can't really describe how grateful I am people have felt what I've felt, as sucky as it is. It can feel comforting to know that I'm not alone and there are other human beings going through similar situations. It's just kinda unfair to see the * of the earth get off scott free, to put it mildly. I hope one day these negative emotions are no longer relevant, and I have reason to welcome in better feelings to take their place. Wish there was a way to send cookies through the net, but until teleportation technology becomes feasible you'll have to accept them in spirit.
Quote from: Dutch Uncle on April 30, 2016, 07:12:09 AM
:hug: to you, Vengeance Absolute.
And :pissed: to all your abusers and those who put the blame on you. :chestbump:
You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, and don't believe those who tell you your existence is crime against nature. :thumbdown:
You are a worthy human being. :yes:
Thank you for your going out of your way and welcoming to this site. To realize that there are still people out there who are capable of compassion is a pretty big liberation for me.
I feel a little better than I did last night, now that I got all that junk off my chest and people like you two are extending a warm welcome to me despite of the fact that I probably come off like some angsty teenager who lost his Linkin Park CDs.
Oh, I just got word a couple hours ago that the school I'm transferring to accepted my application, so that's a little bit of anxiety off my shoulders. I'll admit that I bit off more than I could chew with college I'm attending now; the commute was a nightmare. Won't have to worry about that much longer!
Hey VenganceAbsolute,
You are definitely not alone, and you are right, it is very comforting to know that.
It's just kinda unfair to see the * of the earth get off scott free, to put it mildly. -
I know. It is just infuriating and wrong.
I completely know. (I had that realization about what happened to me, last week, and the anger and rage and injustice....i know i have a sea of anger inside of me i need to let out.)
I understand about wanting these feelings to not be relevant anymore, to just not exist.
I think these feelings will always be relevant, even if you don't feel them to the extent that you do now, even if your anger disappears. Maybe you won't forget, but it might just fit into the story of your life and I'm sure it will be replaced by positive emotions.
Haha, thank you for the cookies! I accept them in spirit!
I am glad you are feeling a little bit better.
I love this, it made me chuckle!....despite of the fact that I probably come off like some angsty teenager who lost his Linkin Park CDs.
I laughed about the teenager- linking park CDs thing.
I don't think you came across as an angsty teenager at all. This is what this board / this section of it, is about, for just expressing how you are feeling, just as it is, plain, and honest, and blunt, no need for cover up here.
That voice that is saying that to you, sounds like it might be them, who put that voice of judgement there.
You are worthy, and you have the right to express that voice and that pain inside of you.
I know its hard, but I would try to have compassion for that judgmental voice, but also for the hurt part of you too.
Good for you for getting accepted there! Good luck with the long commute, :( and i hope its won't all to much for you. :hug:
Anxious around other. All day.
Stuck. Plans not working as i thought they would and as i want them to.
Anxious again- after watching Eastenders of all things!
Getting caught up in how the characters might feel.
My heart is beating fast.
Sometimes, i dont feel much about others or something that happened to someone else, in real life.
Its like i dont care, or I'm numb, or just not shocked by it.
Maybe I'm too overwhelmed by my own stuff.
My reactions seem fake to me and i hope they dont to others.
I wonder if I'm a narcissist or if i have traits.
Or if its the disassociation i experience.
I realise that I'm confused- unsure- i dont know how much others feel about others.
I dont know what is appropriate and what is not.
I know you just need to be yourself, but I'm wondering if I'm just *turned off* inside.
I feel overwhelmed, unsupported.
I need to crash. I need peace.
I cant listen to others stories.
I cant hear any more lies.
I need truthful others in my life , not someone who is drunk and lying to his girlfriend on the phone about what he is doing.
This dude drank my wine- that he got me for my birthday.
Boundary invading or what!
I just want to get out of here and go to a women refuge as originally planned.
I need support.
Im not in the mood to party, or to be around drunk others, who has not stopped talking to me since i got home from volunteering.
I need to take a bath or someting- just look after myself.
Soothe how I'm feeling.
I need emotional support.
Thanks for letting me offload.
Sometimes it feels like nothing and know body will ever be able to stop you hurting.
Quote from: Sienna on May 12, 2016, 06:59:03 PM
This dude drank my wine- that he got me for my birthday.
Boundary invading or what!
You bet! :thumbdown: I used to have a friend like that.
QuoteI just want to get out of here and go to a women refuge as originally planned.
Yeah. Call them again tomorrow. A homeless shelter is not where you need to go. Tell them you are surrounded by drunks and abusers.
Take care.
Dutch Uncle, thank you so much.
Thank you for validating my reality and my perceptions.
Im so sorry you had a friend like that.
Thank you Duch, serously- for encouraging me to call the refuge again. I have two others in this city that i can call. I just hope they take me and I'm nervous about calling and worried about weather I'm doing the right thing.
It feels right.
Do you really think I'm surrounded by abusers?
This dude told me tonight- when he was drunk (like my father so its triggering for me), that he finds it hard to believe partner was like this all along.
Im not trying to gain others validation. I know they dont understand.
I only said it because he said his behaviour shocked him lately and that he finds it very weird.
He told me he doesnt believe me (when i said that), but that, that doesnt mean he isn't supportive.
He hasnt been supportive.
He has let me stay and said if i wanna talk he is here- but i cant talk to him.
He doesn't understand narc abuse and he doesnt match the fact that I'm going to a refuge for domestic violence to what partner has done.
But hi saying he doesnt believe me - and i told him he doesnt need to and that its understandable that he wouldnt , as i never saw it which is why i stayed with X, ) ..but that that doesnt meant he isn't supportive, is not being supportive.
This is not an environment in which i feel supported.
I feel trapped and ignored and inside my own head which i want to get away from. Its hard to sleep.
I am feeling increasingly isolated and alone - today when i got back was difficult, and he said it whilst drunk...and i knew that he wouldnt believe me if i told, which is why i didnt- but still- it really really hurts.
Im so angry and sad.
I dont know how I'm ever going to get over this, and i dont want to fall into a dark hole. It is what it is, but the environment isn't helping, and maybe that means that X would have done.
I need to get away and go to somewhere where I'm believed and supported, because I *am* telling the absolute truth, just not all of the truth, as those in my life dont understand and wont believe me.
It is making me miserable to be here. I just want to feel safe.
Sorry for the ramble. I just feel so stuck.
Thank you so much Duch, for being here. :hug:
This is to Kizzie, about your post to me last christmas.
I dont know why i didnt reply...i remember reading it, but i dont remember reading the bottom, which doesnt mean i didnt.
I wanted to say thank you very much for writing.
I am sorry that you had a flashback out of the blue.
Thank you for helping me to feel better - and that its not my fault that i didnt prepare enough.
I prepared in my own little way...but no, you cant prepare. Things come up, and looking back- things were extremely stressful on the lead up to xmas with narc X.
I do hope you were ok, and that you were able to get through it in the best way you could. I hope you had support if you wanted it.
Its so great that you posted here, and i hope you were able to take your flashback down.
A few weeks ago after T season, after X breaking up with me..it hit me big time that the past was effecting the present. It is all patterns and T helped me to see - / validated what i already knew, that i repeated a pattern- and with her validation, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. :fallingbricks:
It feels huge and I'm so angry, so i hear you on that one, and i am sorry that it is this way.
Key for me is the notion that the grief and fear will subside and not overwhelm me as they once did.
Yes, i think we get better in time, at learning how to handle really difficult feelings / emotional flashbacks.
Perhaps a positive thought to hand onto is that you have won in that you are here, you are speaking up and you are recovering although I know it doesn't feel that way right now. I like to think of it as symbolically giving the finger to the PD folks in our lives who sought to keep us down. "Take that, you did NOT beat me, so there!" ;D-
I like this a lot. I needed to hear this right now.
Im angry (feeling pageful) at what may others have done to me, not to sound like a martyr, I'm angry that its so unfair, i dont want to be powerless or feel that way, and that they get to walk around free and even cause more damage behind your back with out any repercussion.
That is their repercussion.
They dont deserve punishment if they were treated badly too and that made them the way they are...but they cant go around treating people badly. Their pay back is living a life of denial as they will never change because they dont see it and dont want to.
Thanks kizzie for being here and I'm sorry i missed your post and was not able to be here for you at xmas. :hug:
Quote from: Sienna on May 12, 2016, 09:52:14 PM
Thank you Duch, serously- for encouraging me to call the refuge again. I have two others in this city that i can call. I just hope they take me and I'm nervous about calling and worried about weather I'm doing the right thing.
It feels right.
Do you really think I'm surrounded by abusers?
I did word it a bit strong.
I think the people you are staying with at he moment are not abusers in the sense X is abusive, or your FOO is abusive. These are the main abusers I was referring to, and it's important you make clear to te shelters you are 'surrounded by abusers'. Which you are, you didn't flee without good cause.
Your drunk friend, and the boundary violation of drinking your birthday present, might not be 'abusive' in the sense for a shelter, but given your current situation, your triggers etc. you experience, flashback to abuse at the moment.
In the rest of your post you make pretty clear, to me at least, why a women shelter where they have experience with domestic violence would be so valuable for you. Your friends naturally are limited in the comfort they can offer. The sooner you could get a place in a shelter, the sooner your friends can be 'just friends' again, if you know what I mean.
So I think your friends are fine, but the 'drunk episode' just shows how quickly an itself pretty harmless situation can be an anxious experience for you. I do want to make clear I'm not minimizing the 'drunk episode' at all, by the way. There is nothing wrong with you feeling anxious in that particular case. You have good cause for not feeling safe in situations like that.
Take care, :hug:
Dutch, I just wanted to thank you so incredibly much for everything, and for all your support.
Thank you for encouraging me to call the refuge again.
I called and they have a space. I am moving in tomorrow.
I wrote a post this morning, but it didnt send due to internet, to heres my second try.
I cant thank you enough.
I hope you are ok Dutch. :hug:
Well done, Sienna. :applause:
I'm happy I have been of assistance. Thanks for your kind words. :sunny:
Thanks Dutch, and thank you.
No worries, you deserve them all (the words)
:hug:
Not too bad, but i have a job interview for care work that i didnt know about until today and its this Wednesday.
I get so angry trying to prepare for interviews.
I dont know what my strengths and weaknesses are...
and i know ill go blank in the interview.
I feel like such a faliour.
I dont have time to sit and research and ive lost all my notes on interview stuff due to my laptop breaking and now i have it back but not all the notes i made.
Should a person really have to sit and try to research and intellectually figure out who they are so that they can explain it in an interview??
Im angry. and frustrated.
I can't do it.
And the woman who will interview me said ill be fine..that I'm worrying too much.
But most people can seem anyway- to just sit there and just talk in the interview..even if they are not prepared, but i can't. I wont be fine. It will be a disaster and i will come across as a mess of a person.
And if i prepare i forget all of it anyway, my memory is no good, especially sort term memory when there is no time to try to drum things into my brain to remember.
If i try and fail, thats not good, and if i dont try, then i feel like a favour.
I swore id never do an interview ever again- although i might have to one day.
I just didnt expect this an i thought i already had the job. I thought it would be easy.
She hasnt given me much notice- i mean- a days notice???
Then i start feeling that I'm useless and that i have nothing to offer, and even if i did, I look like an idiot and just so stupid because i can't convey it in the interview.
Interviews to me seem like the person has to come across as polished and perfect- and i am not that at all. I never was, and i never will be.
I feel lesser than everyone else. I feel dirty and tainted.
Walker has an exercise that might help even though you don't have a lot of time. He has clients write out a list of good things about themselves and to either memorize it or have it close at hand when the IC gets ramped up. You could do that and read it before the interview.
I know you to be brave, sweet and that you think deeply about things and people so you could start the list with that :hug:
If you are going to be interviewed for care work then let the interviewer see you that side of you, you don't have to act because you are a caring person :yes:
Hey Lizzie,
(difficult day yesterday...buisy in evening...interview last thing on my mind..so sorry i couldnt reply.)
Thank you so super much!!
That is amazing! I will definitely check that out from Walker.
I *need* to look at these thoughts and self talk as the inner critic.
I do feel better when others say nice things on the forum to me..kind of..helps me to keep going and to feel stronger...so this might work. (Walker)..
(i know that i have to believe these things and internalise them as my own inner voice...so I'm not saying that I'm not aware of that.)
I know you to be brave, sweet and that you think deeply about things and people so you could start the list with that :hug:
Omg - thank you so much Kizzie! ;D That is so lovely of you.
Im not sure if i let any of my..personality come across..but i did explain about being able to understand others..when asked a scenario question regarding clients feelings...
And I didnt freeze!! So I'm happy about that
Thank you again Kizzie. You are lovely. :hug:
Sounds like the interview went well - bravo :applause:
Thanks Kizzie! :hug:
Alone. Sad. Like know one cares.
Realising tonight that i may have been sexually abused by narc x.
Im more numb about it than i should be, but i just wish that someone could be here with me. I dont need anyone to validate how I'm feeling (maybe a little in case I'm wrong)...
but i just feel alone and need some comfort.
My head is spinning.
I told a *little* about how i was doing when i was asked by a friend tonight on Facebook..and i knew this..they are emotionally unavailable and just dont know what to say.
i never put too much on anybody. But sometimes it feels like i will explode with all this stuff.
I just feel...alone. And i know I'm not listening to the little person inside of me. Sometimes her pain is just so big i dont know what to do with it. What a terrible mother i am to her.
... again, at this first anniversary, how validated I felt by an e-mail I got. Yet at the same time it held a specified warning that I was being set up for horrific abuse by a group of supposed care-givers. The warning seemed outrageous. The warning basically said there was no escape left. I was going to be abused, no matter what I did, or would not do.
It tore me apart.
I trusted the warning was bogus. How could it be true? These group of people had presented themselves as a safe haven.
The warning proved to be valid. I learned that all to soon. It had all been a set up. Not by the whistleblower, but by the rest of the group.
Today I mourn for trust once more violated. Intentional. Premeditated. And executed with deadly precision and malicious intent. Conned again by sweet words paired with venom. An iron fist in a velvet glove. :no:
Dutch, :bight:
Im so sorry. And I'm sorry your trust was violated.
These group of people had presented themselves as a safe haven.
I bet you feel torn apart!
Its so difficult when we dont trust our intuition, or when it seems we were fooled.
And seeing it after its all over is difficult.
Its not your fault Duch. Its not you, its them. I hope you can know that on some level whenever the time is right.
I have to say, i really like how you describe what happened.
We are here for you all the way as you morn what happened to you.
Theres not much i can say to make it better, but I want you to know that i understand and that Im here for you. You are not alone in this. :hug:
Thank you so much, Sienna.
To mourn, it is something I was never allowed to do, it was never taught to me. "Ah, get over it, don't be so sensitive", is basically all I got when growing up. And this message was continuously re-affirmed in adult life as well.
For me, allowing me to have feelings of mourning is part of recovery. And I'm happy to be here in a community that allows me to learn how to do so.
:hug:
I came in here to gripe about feeling anxious from this stupid Prozac I'm taking, but Dutch Uncle, I'm sorry to hear about the betrayal you've suffered. You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
I hear you Dutch. I was never taught to mourn either, and was told exactly what you were told growing up with FOO.
Trigger Warning-
Of course, they are still like this and cant be counted on for anything.
People in society seem to have this attitude too. And others dont always understand when they have not been through the experiences that we have.
I am glad your here Dutch, and I hope you can learn how to mourn.
Whatever comes up, we will all support you. (I know i definitely will if you ever want to write about what you are going through- *typical* mourning or not)
:bight: here for you Duch
SeventhFold, what you wrote to Dutch was very sweet.
You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Yes, I agree.
I just wanted to say, that I hope you dont feel bad about writing about the Prozac and your anxiety.
What you are going through is very valid and real. Anxiety is terrible to experience / live with as well as is dealing with side effects from medication.
I hope you are ok. :hug:
Socially anxious.
Alone, and invisible. I dont feel real. Numb.
Let down by so many. Untrustworthy of everyone. Like there's no point, so why have i been fighting? Maybe there is nothing to keep going for.
Used, abandoned, stupid. Disappointed in myself.
My mind and body are useless. I feel powerless to protect myself. I cant *see* myself, and know body else *wants* to *see* me either.
Despondent. Why are others and why is everything in the world so fake?
Know body cares, so now, i dont care about me either.
There is no place for pain when the only choice it has to only remain in my head surrounded by invalidating others.
I can not protect her and I dont know how. Even if i knew, i cant do it.
Maybe it was too soon...but i can't be a good mother to her. I may as well stuff this whole journey.
Quote from: Sienna on May 28, 2016, 01:41:44 PM
SeventhFold, what you wrote to Dutch was very sweet.
You are always so ready to offer comfort, hope, and support in your posts here, and it seems particularly unjust that you should have been so mistreated by people you trusted to care for you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Yes, I agree.
:yeahthat:
I agree on the rest too. ;D
Quote from: Sienna on May 28, 2016, 01:50:38 PM
Alone, and invisible. I dont feel real. Numb.
I have been in this place, too. Sending hugs. You are worth fighting for. :hug:
Who buddy, thank you for your message, and for saying that I'm worth fighting for.
I cant tell you how sorry I am that you have also been in that place.
I hope you wont be back there any time soon.
:hug: :hug:
Arrogant, and rightly so. If I'm somehow a cancer to society then society deserves to die of cancer anyway. I'm proud to be a f**king "degenerate". If my very existence is enough to bring this nation to its knees, then let America burn and let me dance in the fire. I revel in being a sodomite. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.
Surprisingly calm. I hung out with a friend and I didn't feel any emergency to be somewhere else or do things differently. I felt confident in my choices, very mindful, and relatively content. I feel very aware of others wanting to control situations being a trigger for me and having boundaries and also not fighting people back for that control has been revolutionary to my way of thinking and happiness quotient. I will keep the path I'm on.
Quote from: Vengeance Absolute on May 31, 2016, 12:20:01 AM
Arrogant, and rightly so. If I'm somehow a cancer to society then society deserves to die of cancer anyway. I'm proud to be a f**king "degenerate". If my very existence is enough to bring this nation to its knees, then let America burn and let me dance in the fire. I revel in being a sodomite. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.
You remind me so much of my college self (I hope this doesn't offend you). I used rage to fuel my progression through the ranks of life successfully. But the success we gain fighting society ultimately feels like fake success. In my 30s now I'm trying to heal my relationship with society. Because we ultimately have to decide whether we want to rejoin the world that was cruel to us, or whether we are going to shun it. Nowadays I can sometimes say I want to rejoin it. I'm hoping to eventually be able to rejoin it fully.
Trigger warning ****
Oh my Gosh Vengeance Absolute, I feel this way too.
When shame is preasent- i mean- really present that i can feel it, i feel like others dont want me here, like i have a stamp on my head saying look at that weirdo, how shameful she is.
It comes from being bullied in school and people still now staring and commenting on the street about my hair colour, which i can not help as its because of a genetic condition.
I went about for a while being angry at people. Thinking- well, I'm shameful, I look odd, but i didnt ask to be this way. I guess i saw the world as being like my narc mother who tried to change me in every way possible, including my appearance, and she told me it was right that i was bullied, it was my own fault.
But on those days when shame is so huge, i think that everyone can see it, and that know body wants me to be around, even in this coffee shop that I'm sat at. I feel less than everyone else and like i should not exist at all in this world.
I like this Vengeance:. Everything this world considers sin is actually sacred. The stigma that you've branded on my forehead I wear as a badge of honor.
I am sure that you are not what you think you are, and if you are different, i do hope you can wear that with honour. I think that also, because of trauma, we see things differently, we see truths about life and society and the world that others dont see, and it can feel like we dont fit.
I think we just have to find others who accept us, and who maybe understand our maybe more mature view of the world. :bighug:
Fed up of being triggered. I hate it. I'm fed up of feeling disappointed and agitated. I'm fed up of the pain every day coming back round and round again and again
Absolutely exhausted, but accomplished.
I rang the benefits people today- need to top up my low benefit for housing and extra costs as housing benefit wont cover it and need to get into my own place before i can apply for housing benefit.
so thats good. Things are moving and they are sending me a form to apply.
Good luck with that Sienna. Hope it gets sorted quickly for you.
I'm sick and achey today, but emotionally feeling in a better place as I've worked through some stuff with the support of my mum and boyfriend.
Thank you very much!
Im sorry to hear your sick and achey. I hope you feel better soon, and that *something* eases the aches. I know how hard it is to make the aches go away.
but emotionally feeling in a better place as I've worked through some stuff with the support of my mum and boyfriend.nd achey today,
yay! I'm so glad to hear that. :) :hug:
ANGER at:
not being able to assert my own boundaries.
Anger at people just walking into my room- the rare times i dont lock it- with out knocking and waiting for a reply from me first.
Angry at being told to *shush* by a man who probably hasnt worked through his own * when i asked him how he was, after he asked me, and gave me *no reply*.
(Narcissist lady was right- he is not a good person, and he did this when known else was around).
Then..anger at X for overstepping my boundaries, (even the ones i put up).
I feel violated and like my body and my space are just up for grabs and people just take it, like i dont matter, like they think that that is ok.
Angry at not being able to let out the anger that i do feel (which is rare so any feeling like this should be let out)
Angry at myself for my own voice / (throat chakra) for failing me when i need to speak.
Its like my whole being is not strong enough.
Dear Sienna,
Visualize a celestial, blue rose. It is fully open and uniquely scented. Place it on your throat area, the Fifth Chakra. Repeat in your mind: "I am recharging my throat center of Hearing as well as speaking, graciousness, harmony resonance, self-expression. It is healthy, powerful, and full of life energy" Take a deep breath in, relax, breath out with a hum, smile, repeat!
Namaste,
Danaus
P.S. Yes, I am a certified yoga and meditation instructor.
IAW our guidelines I'm going to lock this thread and start a Part 3.
Dear Danaus,
Thank you very much for your advice. The flower sounds really nice.
I like that you are a yoga and meditation instructor. That is cool. :thumbup: :)
See Part 3.