Rough therapy session

[Luma1123]

I just had my first therapy session in a while where I left feeling worse than when I went in. Not sure why, exactly, but I'm sure talking about the idea of emotional flashbacks didn't exactly improve the likelihood of that not happening. We talked about some of my past trauma experiences, and how stress brings out a lot of feelings of anger and unfairness in me. I've also been seeing this guy since before the major PTSD symptoms hit, and it's been fairly casual, but with all the stuff going on - including a fast moving, stressful new job - I admitted that I would be really relieved of stress if I stopped seeing him, and that I was still struggling with some aspects of physical attraction, despite how much I enjoy spending time with him. I just feel like today was a failure, and that the feelings I expressed today are all indicative of bigger or more final decisions, rather than just feelings that come and go. I felt defensive and kind of hostile by the end of the appointment, it was just a really bad morning for me. Wanted to express that somewhere.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you feel like the session was a failure and that it made you feel defensive and hostile. I'm glad you have expressed your feelings and I hope you will be able to consider them more - perhaps in conjunction with the therapist. It sounds like exactly the sort of thing it is good to work through with them. I've found it helpful to discuss frustrating sessions with my therapist even though I have been reluctant to bring up the subject.

[Blueberry]

Luma, I'm seconding NK here. I'm sorry I don't have the wherewithal to write anything else atm. But wanted to let you know I read your post and I hear you.

[Kizzie]

Luma I'm sorry your first appointment in a while went that way. I must admit I wondered if the therapist has seen that you were becoming defensive and hostile and did nothing to address that with you? I don't know how long you have been seeing them prior to this but I also wondered if this had been the case in other appointments and what they/you did to address it? If this has happened before and neither you or they have dealt with it, then perhaps it's not a good fit?

[Luma1123]

Thanks, all, for the support <3 I was feeling really crappy but I can also feel myself coming out of it now that a few hours have passed.

@Kizzie, the last two sessions have been kind of weird. My therapist has an approach that includes a lot of like, complements and reminding me of all my strengths and growth and accomplishments. It took me a while to get used to it, and then I did, but for some reason the last few appointments it's felt really grating, and kind of like she hasn't been listening to what I've been expressing. Otherwise, it's been a good overall relationship (coming up on 2 years) - she's the one who actually pointed out I have trauma, which no other therapist I've had in the last ten years has spotted (that's... a whole other issue), and she pointed me towards resources to learn about it myself. I will probably talk about this with her sometime in the next appointment or two. I don't know if she's sensed anything that's changed in me, necessarily, but it's definitely been rubbing me the wrong way lately.

I have been considering finding an additional therapist, because I wonder if other methods like biofeedback or sensorimotor stuff could help me. I'm still struggling to wrap my brain around the idea of PTSD taking time to settle from, even though this isn't the first time I've done this. You'd think prior experience would help to work through things in the presence, but honestly it feels like a whole new round of uncovering stuff and dealing with it.

[Kizzie]

Maybe you are at a stage in recovery where you need to get to into your wounds and not focus on the positives?  It may be because you and she have talked about your strengths, etc., that now you are grounded/ready to get into the things that are tougher to deal with. She may not realize you're there so talking to her is probably a good idea. At least then you'll know if she a good fit for moving forward if she does hear and respond to you. 

I know a few people on here who have more than one therapist for the exact reason you mention; that is, they use different approaches. I do wonder if having two might mean the mix of approaches is not beneficial but you will likely know that in short order. 

Kizzie 

[Luma1123]

Thanks, Kizzie.

I do feel like I'm at a different stage of recovery than where I was several months ago. I'm not sure I know how to articulate it, but I definitely feel more aware of like, all my different symptoms, and I'm getting better at identifying "ok, this is a PTSD reaction/feeling/mental moment" or "I can't tell if this is a PTSD reaction or a healthy-brain reaction".

I'm braving it out and talking to a friend this week about having PTSD. She'd be second friend I've told, and I'm pretty sure she's already guessed what's going on, so I'm not super worried about like, rejection or anything. She's gone through some pretty severe depression, and I know she's worked with different types of therapists in like, biofeedback and sensorimotor work, so I'm hoping to get some more insights out of her on like. What worked for her and what it was like over time.

[Luma1123]

Update:

Had my next appointment with my therapist this morning, and I started immediately by asking if we could talk about the last session. I first talked about her "compliments" approach, and how it had made me feel the last few times that I wasn't being heard or listened to. She was receptive to that. She mentioned that because I had brought up in earlier sessions being interested in bodywork or sensorimotor stuff, she'd been asking around about EMDR (the eye movement stuff? I may have that acronym wrong) professionals in the area, and she thinks there may be someone in the practice she's a part of who does it. I was very touched by that, and told her I'd read up more on EMDR before diving in.

I also set a boundary that's a little more sensitive. I've been seeing someone semi-romantically for a few months now, which started maybe a month before the cptsd symptoms hit. Needless to say, it's been really hard to navigate, but I've asked my therapist to wait for me to bring it up in a session, rather than her asking me first. The last few sessions, I realized I'd been actively not talking about the relationship in a session, hoping she wouldn't notice, and then she'd inquire into what was going on there and I'd feel really uncomfortable. I'm glad I asked for that boundary, but I admit it might need to be reassessed in the future.

This "active communication" thing is hard. Weirdly, the ptsd doesn't seem to be making it any easier XD