Frustrated due to CPTSD and upset with Dissociative Amnesia

[sad panda]

Hello folks,

Would anyone have suggestions on how to cope/deal with feelings of "I'm not doing enough..." or "This isn't happening fast enough!" when dealing with trying to recover lost memories and information due to memory blocks from Dissociative Amnesia? I know that these feelings are part and parcel of my CPTSD making me feel agitated and worried because I have lost so much time because of these blocks. While I am fairly calm on the outside, there is raging turmoil on the inside, and try as I might to redirect or find ways to refocus, lurking just 'there' under the surface are those feelings. I want to take the time to make recovering the memories possible by feeling safe, and not further drive myself into dissociation by trying to power through the blocks. If I am being brutally honest with myself its not going well.

Related and also an interlinking issue is, am I truly prepared for what will happen when I do find my person? In my rush to find them, the question arises whether am I ready to deal with the reality of who they are today, how they feel, and the potential emotions and feelings I will have as a result. My therapist suggested taking three months to just sit with my feelings about what will happen when I do reach out to the individual I have been recovering memories about. She wants me to be prepared for any eventuality, and not just run full tilt boogie into a wall at warp speed and wreck myself in the process. Easier said than done.

Has anyone else had these problems? What did you do to cope with these 'urges' or feelings nothing is happening fast enough, or that you should be doing more? Are there any resources, books, or materials that you would recommend to help with these issues separately, or together? I'll be here. Thanks!

[zen_racer]

I can relate to feeling like I'm not going fast enough in my own healing.  I have had a number of things in my life that have gotten me to sort of ignore things I don't want to concentrate on, but be hyper focused on what I am concentrating on.  Now that I finally know what I'm up against and have the time, insurance, and funds to tackle this aspect of my life, I want to race through it like I have done with so many other things.  The number of people, texts, and videos I've seen saying it takes time and can't be rushed has helped push me to have a more realistic timeline on things.

In my experience, I started getting back memories as well.  For me though, they are memories that would've been better staying buried and never remembered at all.  Once those started coming back, I've wanted this process to slow down.

With what you said about wanting to take the time to feel safe, that sounds a lot like you should look into somatic exercises and work to start regulating your nervous system better.  I don't have any great resources, but that's something I've been working on a bit, and I think it's helped more than I realize yet.  I can now sit down on my couch, and if I remember to take a moment and try to check in with how my body feels, I can feel all my nerves kind of come back online and feel my arms and legs in such vivid detail that just isn't there when I let my brain set it's own priorities.  I'm hoping that in time, I start to not block everything out like I've done for so long.  I'm hoping that I can start feeling safe enough that my nervous system settles down, and allows me to react and process things as they happen instead of focusing all my resources on hyper vigilance and flight/freeze/fawn.