hopeful for progress

[Blueberry]

Wise choice on not eating no-sugar ice cream at this stage san.

[sanmagic7]

my darling friends, i can't thank you enough for all the well wishes and continuing support.  it is now 1 week w/o sugar.  yay!!!

ZR, best to you when you decide to quit smoking.  that one's my worst.  i've quit for 15 yrs. once, 5 yrs. another time, nearly 2 yrs. and on and on.  currently i still have about 2 a week - they really help me w/ stress, even tho they hurt me in every other way.  but, there's always hope, and i've got a lot of hope for you.  and thanks again for the love and the hugs. 

thank you hope for your ongoing encouragement and support.  much appreciated.

hannah1 - i love the solidarity!  thank you for that. 

blueberry, i really appreciate the validation on the no-sugar ice cream.  from other addiction experience, too close means several steps closer to the edge, and that's harder to pull back from, and ultimately fails for me.  thanks for all your support.

well, it's been a week, sugar free.  i've been getting some major anxiety attacks the past 2 nites, very close to panic, actually, and i'm wondering if there might be a bit of withdrawal going on.  i wouldn't be surprised.  but, i'll keep riding this wave, keep letting the bus go by. 

no therapy yesterday - my T got in a car accident.  so, looking forward to next week.  she was willing to take me on later yesterday, but i told her she's got plenty of bull **** to deal w/, i'm ok for another week, and she laughed, we laughed together, and she said it felt good to do that.  so, it ended well, but i'm sure she's pretty sore today. 

[zen_racer]

Oh, sorry if my post was ambiguous.  I quit smoking in 2008.  It stuck.  I don't even consider it as an option.  Just like you'll eventually get to with sugar.  You're doing so great so far!

Glad you were able to handle it well when therapy got cancelled yesterday.  That did seem like a good way to handle it.

Sending love and hugs. 

[HannahOne]

     A week without sugar!
I personally found that my gut biome changed and I did experience kinds of "withdrawals," I think it was the die off of bacteria and yeast in my guts. And I too had to avoid non sugar treats because they were quite triggering. What really helped was avoiding all sweetness eventually changed my taste buds, within about 4-6 weeks just an apple seemed very sweet to me. Another benefit to avoiding no-sugar sweets.

So sorry your therapist got in an accident. Glad you can see them soon!

[sanmagic7]

congrats to you, ZR, on quitting smoking!  that's amazing!  and thanks, as always, for the love and hugs. 

hey, hannah1, i don't doubt there will be a lot of physical changes inside me w/o sugar.  so, i'll keep going.  thanks for the encouragement. 

i had a terrible EF/dissociation last sat.  it was pretty much the gray lady 'enduring' - i could feel her.  but i got thru it.  still, that kind of thing takes an emotional toll on me.  then, tues. was the lack of therapy.  more emotional kickback, cuz i wanted to discuss the sat. situation w/ her.  then, yesterday my computer simply stopped.  that frizzed me out completely, and i was a wreck all day, even tho my D drove me to the store to get a new one (all the money!), and we were able to pick it up today, but i became 'paralyzed' for about an hour before we could take it in, get the new one, and decide what needed to be transferred, etc.  from the old to the new.

that 'paralization' is something i haven't experienced in a while, but it was there in all its glory - i sat in my chair, waiting for the time to be able to go to the store, nothing interested me, watched tv for about 10 minutes, couldn't follow what they were saying.  thankfully, my galpal called me, and i was able to talk to her about it for about 15 min.  that helped snap me out of it, but i was just sitting, couldn't read, stared out the window at nothing. 

extra meds, cuz i was vibrating inside.  it's amazing to me how much i am not able to manage personally anymore.  something goes haywire and it's like all my circuits freeze.  i got it back this morning, and it's restoring some order again for things like this, but honestly, i don't know what's happening to me.  it is too often seeming like i'm feeling worse rather than better - and i've gone thru this for 30 yrs. at least.  i had 2 good months this year, replaced by 2 bad months which are now extending into a third month of feeling crappy.  barely keeping my head above water, but being here for my D helps with that.  it's just so sould-sucking.

[zen_racer]

 
I think you're doing great.  I would urge you to recognize the challenge of quitting an addiction, and be gentle with yourself.  At least in my experience, it was a roller coaster of emotions and frustrations.  When dealing with that, things that normally wouldn't register as an issue can seem major.  I'm not trying to minimize anything else, but quitting an addiction is serious stuff.

Sending love, hugs, and support.   

[HannahOne]

Technology not working CAN be really frazzling, we rely on it entirely now and can't do so many things without it. When my car or computer doesn't work I feel quite helpless, and that is a trigger. Your responses make sense in the context of CPTSD. Then you have to get used to a new screen set up, deal with all the old files, it's very overwhelming! I'm way overdue for a backup and keep avoiding it. I'm glad it's mostly sorted now. 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, thank you for that reminder - quitting an addiction IS a big thing.  not only is there the physical routine of it being gone, but my insides are undergoing a huge change right now as well, and that's going to take a toll on my reactions.  makes a lot of sense to me - so glad you said something.  and thanks for the love, hugs, and support. 

thank you, hannah1, for the validation.  i lived in mexico when everything went online, and my mind was not inundated w/ this stuff as it was making its way into every facet of life - even now, the idea of putting my SS# out there gives me the willies.  my D reassures me that there's all kinds of security now that wasn't before, but i see the news of companies getting hacked all the time.  and now this AI stuff is doing its own hacking, so i still don't trust most of it.   

was up very late last nite trying to calm down enough to go to sleep, trying to find my little ritual games that i've used for years as a bedtime wind-down from the day.  this technology stuff just isn't my thing, and i don't want it to be, either.  i'll stay in the dark ages, thank you very much.  i've never been that much into a lot of 'labor-saving devices' in the first place (i still wash our dishes by hand) and now there's this micro-plastic crisis going on and it keeps reminding me how upset i was when milk first decided to be packaged in plastic rather than glass bottle.  so, i've been battling against this stuff for decades, but, hey, what do i know?

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with ZR, and in my experience it can also be particularly difficult a little while in. At the start you feel all the determination and the hope, and then a few days in the unpleasantness can start to bite. You are right to recognise that your insides are undergoing a huge change as well as you having to deal with a changed routine.

 

[sanmagic7]

hi, NK, yep, different phases to this leaving an addiction behind.  the cravings have come, but not too hard except that i've noticed them.  there's one now!  but the bus went by and i didn't get on. 

just getting thru each day, step by step.  therapy tomorrow, then i think she's gone for 2 weeks.  one day at a time, right?  not just for addictions, either.

[SenseOrgan]

this technology stuff just isn't my thing, and i don't want it to be, either.  i'll stay in the dark ages, thank you very much.  i've never been that much into a lot of 'labor-saving devices' in the first place (i still wash our dishes by hand) and now there's this micro-plastic crisis going on and it keeps reminding me how upset i was when milk first decided to be packaged in plastic rather than glass bottle.  so, i've been battling against this stuff for decades, but, hey, what do i know?

Amen to that San. No dishwasher here either. And the stress I've had from working with a smartphone or computer... It's all fantastic and it also continues to be horrible.

[sanmagic7]

holy moley, SO, handwashed dishes when you have a choice?  who'd a thunk it!  i don't own a smartphone, can barely use the little old lady flip phone that i have!  but, there it is.  sometimes newer is not better for me.  i'd rather be a flower child than a techno geek.   

i'm carrying a lot of stress from the past few weeks, and that means a lot of bodily pain.  this has gotten so old.

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I love that the bus went by and you didn't get on!! I'm going to ponder this metaphor for some of my difficult emotions. That moment of choice, when we notice it, is so powerful! For you to have that awareness and find that space between the thought and the action is the ultimate in mental Aikido.  One person I respect once said that "We always have airplanes, thoughts, circling our heads. But we don't have to let them land!"

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, for the encouragement and support.  airplanes, indeed!   

therapy was great - i have finally found the therapist i need.  she's opinionated in the right places, thought-provoking, she guides, pushes a little, stops me when she can sense i'm getting into dangerous territory, she listens and remembers, and we are usually able to end the session with a good laugh.  it's a telehealth session, so the laugh is important to me - it feels like a connection, like a hug which i would otherwise look for and want in real life. 

we did container work, which i'd never really had explained to me before the way she did.  put the bothersome thoughts in a container, real or imaginary, so they're kept safe and secure, but available when it's time for me to look at them.  i chose post-its in a jar to store outside.  physical often works best for me.

she also asked if i'd ever been diagnosed w/ dissociation, which i don't think i have.  i also told her about the gray lady showing up in a group situation lately, who she hadn't heard of yet.  so, more and more of me is coming out for her to look at and evaluate in order to know how to move on and past.  i like it.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds really positive, San. I am so happy you are getting on well with this therapist. You have had so much difficulty getting to this point, and yet you have persevered. I'm glad it is being rewarded.