To myself

[zen_racer]

Dear ZR (of any age or time frame),

I'm sorry for so many things through our life.  I know we've suffered so much, in so many different ways, and for so long.  I know that the parts of myself that I've been angry with for having such bad reactions to things were adapted out of the need to keep us safe.

I'm sorry that I've lost the ability to keep us safe over the years.  That even though I knew their treatment of me was wrong, I didn't recognize our FOO's behavior as the overwhelming threat that it was, and still is.  I know that I zoned out or excused their behavior, and in doing so I abandoned myself just like they had taught me.  Just like they had abandoned any thought of ever being supportive or showing us the love we deserved.

Thank you for showing me that reaction just now.  I agree that we did deserve better, from them and from myself.  But just like your reactions were adapted from trying to survive, so were mine.  I'm trying to be here for us now.  I know that part of that is being open to these reactions you're showing me, and I know there's a lot of time that I have to make up for.

To consistently create the sense of safety we so desperately need, you're going to have to start letting me know when I start getting it right.  Let me choose us without reactively being angry about the past.  Stop listening to the abusive people in our past that taught us that taking care of ourself is a bad thing.

We didn't deserve the abuse back then.  We don't deserve it now.  I'm trying to learn a new way, and as unfair as it is, that means all of us need to start seeing self care as a positive thing, rather than something to be afraid of.  I'm not trying to put us in danger by choosing us. 

Thank you for releasing the strangle hold on my chest and heart.  This is a scary process and I don't have all the answers, but we can work together to make life be how we need and want it to be.  Help me let go of the lessons taught to us by people that only harmed us for their own gain.  We can do this.  It's okay to choose us.  I choose to love us more than our abusers and their lessons and their threats.  They don't have control here anymore.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[TheBigBlue]

 

[Marcine]

ZR,
Chills reading this.
I feel happy and proud for you, for blazing this loving, authentic trail for yourself.
Your team approach to all of you, inviting a working-together and mutual support to move forward in the direction you choose... amazing. Inspiring.

[zen_racer]

ZR,
Chills reading this.
I feel happy and proud for you, for blazing this loving, authentic trail for yourself.
Your team approach to all of you, inviting a working-together and mutual support to move forward in the direction you choose... amazing. Inspiring.

Reading this nearly got me crying again, and I can't really say why.

I wish I could say it was intentional, the team approach.  I set out to address myself, and really only intended it as being towards my inner child (which I still don't have a fully formed construct of how I see that) and the conscious adult ZR.  But I found that my sense of both kept shifting.  I think to me, my current consciousness as adult ZR is Me, and the part of me that got stuck or trapped and stopped progressing due to the trauma back then is the inner child.  But while writing, things blurred those lines.  The conscious adult ZR now was also the little me back then that developed the memories of what happened.  The Little ZR as the inner child was the part that was scared, that remembers the impact of the mistreatment, that hid and took with him the emotional connection that could string together all the abuse to paint a picture of how bad it was, and that's why he's hiding.  That's why he still exists as that Little ZR, but in present day.

I, as the conscious adult me now, can't be whole in any time without Little ZR.

While writing that, I was having very distinct reactions.  The first was just connecting with emotions again, but after that happened, the more I wrote, the more my chest hurt.  It literally felt like my chest was getting squeezed, like my heart was about to burst.  I was starting to worry about having real medical problems from it, but then it stopped after I directly said that I wasn't trying to put us in danger.

I'm still trying to understand what happened, but whatever it was, I believe that it needed to happen.  We do need to become a team, and help each other to heal and be whole.  I do love Little ZR, and I think he's been running scared trying to save me from the emotions that were too much, and hiding while not understanding why I never chose us.

I think what's less obvious is that like a mirror, he's starting to choose me while I'm learning to choose him.

Thank you for responding to this, Marcine.  I think this was perfect timing for me to reflect on this again.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I do love Little ZR, and I think he's been running scared trying to save me from the emotions that were too much, and hiding while not understanding why I never chose us.

I think what's less obvious is that like a mirror, he's starting to choose me while I'm learning to choose him.

This is beautiful.

[Marcine]