To my FOO

[zen_racer]

Dear FOO,

I know you've noticed recently that I've been being more distant, even to the point of blocking you on my phone.  I know you want me to apologize for that, and already have your arguments and attacks ready at hand because to you, I've been so unfair.  I know you've wanted me to explain myself, and are disappointed that I haven't.

But that's kind of the point.  I have explained myself.  I've told you that I'm unwilling to engage in one way streets with any relationships anymore.  I've told you that anyone wanting to be in my life needs to treat me with respect.  NONE of you have even tried listening to understand.  None of you have tried treating me with respect.  I have over explained so many times already, and yet you're acting like this is out of the blue, and unwarranted.  You think that you get to say "challenge accepted" when I tell you my boundaries, but that I am not allowed to do anything to protect myself from your abuse.

I can already hear you screaming at me about how horrible I am that I would even think you abuse me, let alone say it.  I already know you'd be so angry that you'd use any form of abuse you could think of to make me feel bad for saying that.  I know you're used to getting away with it, because you've taught me to think it was normal.  You've taught me to think that ever standing up for myself makes me selfish and that I'd never be worth the love you've never given me anyway.

I blocked you for 4 days because I needed to rest, and recharge.  I blocked you because I knew that resting and recharging would be impossible when you would inevitably start harassing me, and insisting that I give up any plans I had so you could harass me even more in person.  I know you enjoy feeling like I'm obligated to present myself for your abuse even when I want anything other than to be around you when you treat me so horribly.  To be around you when I've directly told how badly your treatment affects me, for so long after it happens, only to have you not care in the slightest and directly tell me that you'll never change.

I know you're angry, seething with rage but not understanding that it's because for the first time, you've had to deal with such a tiny fraction of the indifference you've shown me for my entire life, when you weren't showing me your rage.  I know that one of you hid that rage so you could try every manipulative trick you could think of to try and get me under control.

But I'm not going to explain.  I will never send you this letter.  I know you only listen to gain avenues of attack.  I know you intentionally misunderstand to weaponize my need for you to understand, so you can get more information to use against me.

To put it simply, if you get to not care how your treatment affects me, if you get to hear how badly it affects me and have zero thought of trying to make that better and attack me more instead, then you don't get to expect me to care how my distance will affect you.

I scream at you when I'm alone in my empty house the way you used to scream at me to my face.  I'm so angry for so long after every one of our interactions because you think you're entitled to treat me so poorly.  I'm so angry because I haven't stood up for myself.  I need the anger to diminish.  I need your projected sense of guilt that you've instilled in me to end.  You've kept me in such a tightly wound ball of stress for so long that I'm always ready to snap, and yet, I always choose to treat other people with respect and empathy.  I can't understand why you consistently choose to not treat me that way.

I want a better life for myself than you're willing to let me have even from my own efforts without you having to do anything other than be happy for me, and you still refuse that as if I've asked for something so valuable and expensive.  You've consistently shown me that the only way you'll be happy in relation to me is when you can take things from me.

So be angry.  Lash out.  Show me exactly why I'm right in leaving you behind.

I'll be crying and hating myself, but I'm still going to be leaving you behind in the hopes that I can eventually heal from everything you've put me through.

[NarcKiddo]