Unemployment, Flashbacks, NPD "Family" Business

[GettingThere]

TW: financial abuse, cults, physical abuse, forced confinement, homelessness

My first understanding of a job was that my mother's money came from her parents. They use their "family" business as a tool to maintain their narcissistic family system/cult. The first time I did office work, I was 9 years old and unpaid. I worked on Saturdays at our dining room table doing my mother's clerical job. I liked working. Working made my mother happy and not scream at or hit me for 4-5 hours while I worked. Working was safety from violence.

But in spite of that, I understood that working for my "family" business as an adult was very dangerous and something I never wanted to do. My mother was always on the clock because her job wasn't really the clerical work - it was taking care of *everything* for her parents like a personal assistant, therapist, driver, servant. She would tell me about how much she hated her parents in great detail. My first job was to be her therapist from about age 5. She spent 25 years telling me how horribly her parents treated her. I never wanted to live that way, but her plan was for me to spend the rest of my life serving her the way she served her parents.

I was able to resist the pull of the cult until my mid 20s. I was distancing myself from her and the "family." I was breaking free. But in my mid 20s, I was on the verge of experiencing unemployment for the first time, and the pull of the cult and a steady paycheque got so strong that I was sucked in. My plan was to just survive off the money until I could get something better. But that's not how cults work. What came next were the most violent, demoralizing, and life-threatening years of my life. But eventually, I got out.

During most of those years, I was kept in the basements of their lavish houses, and finding other employment was all I ever thought about. How could I get my hands on another source of income and escape? But the cult had complete tabs on everything I did. So in the end, I had to experience homelessness and the shelter system to get my life back and find other employment. My body had to be safe from them for me to be able to work towards anything without them knowing.

I've been safe from them for 3 years and my life is more or less normal now. I finally have a life where what happens in my home is what most people think happens in a house. Just eating, sleeping, working, studying, cleaning, relaxing. No violent crime. But unfortunately, I am unemployed again for the first time since getting safe from the cult, and my body and brain do not know how to interpret this experience.

My body and mind interpret unemployment as immediately life threatening. It takes effort to remind myself that I am not in physical danger, that I am not homeless, and that my mid 20s are not in fact happening again. I'm forgetting what year it actually is, where I live, and that I am safe from my "family." I had made enormous progress on CPTSD healing in the past 3 years, and I am regressing incredibly quickly. For most of each day, my body feels like it is years ago and I am trapped in a basement that's thousands of miles away from where I am and that I am forbidden from leaving, just like I was back then.

My mind interprets potential employers as being just as life threatening to me as my mother and her family was. I interpret applying for a job as auditioning to be worthy enough to be kept alive in service of an abuser. I interpret my job application being rejected as me being deemed too worthless to even just be kept alive to serve an abuser.

And on top of all of that, I've had no time to process the devastating abuse that myself and all of my former coworkers experienced at my last job. The president was very obviously a narc and she terrorized all of her employees so that they quit in droves, about one per month at all levels of the organization. She reminded me a lot of my mother and I still managed to survive her for two years. So now my brain just sees all jobs as the same as my "family" business - a place to be trapped to endure narcissistic abuse because that's the only thing I'm worth being paid pennies to be kept alive for.

If I'm going to be able to access employment again, I need to help my mind and body ease into an understanding that I am baseline safe right now. My family will never find me. I have just enough money from student loans to keep paying the rent. I am registered at a food bank and will not starve. I need to slowly ease into an understanding that my life is not in immediate danger and the violence is not happening all over again.

[zen_racer]

That sounds horrible, and I'm impressed and proud of you for getting out of that.  I've been fired a couple times, mostly when I stopped putting up with getting lied to rather than a result of my work performance.  Each time, I had to take a little time to absorb what happened and let myself settle.  After that, I'd make a plan.  One of those times, in a different state than where I am now, I found there was a thing called Career Link that was state funded and was only there to help unemployed and underemployed people.  Mock interviews, help with the resume, training, contacts with companies looking to hire.  I don't know where you are, and you probably shouldn't say, but maybe you could find something like that.  Each time something happened where I ended up employed, after I'd eventually see what options there were and making a plan, I'd end up better off every time.  Change is hard, but sometimes it's what we need to get us to make the changes that were difficult enough that we kept putting them off. 

[Kizzie]

If I'm going to be able to access employment again, I need to help my mind and body ease into an understanding that I am baseline safe right now. My family will never find me. I have just enough money from student loans to keep paying the rent. I am registered at a food bank and will not starve. I need to slowly ease into an understanding that my life is not in immediate danger and the violence is not happening all over again.

Wow GettingThere, after all that you have been through and are currently struggling with you seem to know exactly what happened to make you feel as you do and what you need to do overcome that. That alone can be a big help in calming those danger signals. I myself went through so much of what you're describing over the years. Sadly I did not know I had CPTSD until my mid 50's and left quite a few jobs because I would react to someone and did not know what to do other than leave. Having somewhere like this community to talk about it undoubtedly would have helped and I hope it helps you. As Zen Racer suggested, there may be some orgs out there that can help you. I know in some areas CPTSD is classed as a disability and statutes that require workplace accommodations. All this to say maybe you don't have to do things on your own. A little help could make all the difference

[GettingThere]

Thank you so much ZenRacer and Kizzie. I've had some recent successes with job hunting that have helped a lot with my self-confidence. I was able to apply for about 20 jobs and I had an interview today that seemed to go well and have another couple of leads with responses to applications. I've had the privilege to access a lot of job search resources in the past and during my years as a teacher, I taught resume writing and interview skills so those are areas where I do well handling them on my own. The heart of what I struggle with is feeling safe enough to contact potential employers and not feel like they and their organizations are threats to my life like my family and family's business were.

I was very privileged to access career counselling from a women's centre a few years ago and in 3 months of counselling, my counsellor and I only briefly discussed resumes and interviews in one session. She was very trauma informed, so once a week for 3 months, we talked about how I don't exist to serve jobs, jobs exist to serve me. And that I am a biological organism worthy of food, vitamins, shelter, and safety even when I am not doing anything for anyone else. During that time, I put a sticky note above my desk that said "I am as worthy as a plant" to remind myself that I don't need to be working to deserve to be alive. I deserve to be alive just because I exist - just like a plant.

When I am calm like I am now because of recent successes I've had, I'm able to remember all of these things. The hardest moments are the ones without success, and I really appreciate having this space to speak with other survivors who understand. Thank you so much to you both for sharing your experience. I hope everyone who finds this thread remembers that they are just as worthy as a plant and much, much more. I will definitely keep your recommendations in mind and very much appreciate them, but for right now, I think working on reminding myself that I am capable of doing things independently is what is helping the most.

[NarcKiddo]

I can totally see why you have the challenges you have. Your background is distressing. I'm glad you are safe now, and your feeling that you need to ease into an understanding that your are safe resonates very much. What shines through both of your posts to me is that you absolutely have the capacity and strength to get where you need and want to be. Yes, you are as worthy as a plant, and way more worthy besides. I'm glad you have had past access to career counselling, which sounds as if it was very helpful, and I'm glad that you are remembering what you worked on at that time.

I'm glad you had a good interview and hope you land a job soon.

[GettingThere]

Thank you so much NarcKiddo 

[zen_racer]

GettingThere, I'm sorry that I missed the mark a little bit in my first response.  That's pretty awesome that you've had career counseling before, and have taught resume writing and interview skills.  I can relate a lot to wanting to focus on remembering that you're capable independently.  I'm guessing it's a pretty common trait among survivors of abuse.

I'm glad you've had recent wins, and I hope you're still gaining more confidence from even more wins.  You're definitely as worthy as a plant, and so much more.

[GettingThere]

Thanks so much Zen Racer. No need to apologize at all. I've just been privileged enough to have already accessed the career counselling resource that was right for me and hope that others can access the resources that are right for them 

[Kizzie]

I will definitely keep your recommendations in mind and very much appreciate them, but for right now, I think working on reminding myself that I am capable of doing things independently is what is helping the most.

    

[GettingThere]

I passed a first round interview on Friday and a second round interview today with flying colours. I was immediately told I'll be contacted soon for the third round. Thank you all so much for your support <3

[zen_racer]

    

That's pretty awesome, GettingThere. Great work!

[TheBigBlue]

    

[NarcKiddo]

   Great news. Hope the third round goes equally well

[GettingThere]

Thank you so much!!!    I was told in the first round that the questions in the third round are pretty much the same as the first round questions. I just have to say the answers in front of a big group of people instead of one person

[GettingThere]

I passed another first round interview yesterday and passed the second round today!! I was immediately put through to the 3rd round for that position as well!! So now I have two 3rd round interviews booked, one for tomorrow and one for Tuesday!! 

This is such a huge day for me in my CPTSD recovery. I'm realizing that I'm not that little 17 year old girl in my room anymore dreaming of escaping to a cheap studio apartment, but with only a part time job that didn't pay enough to make rent. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm twice as old as that little girl, and that I've already saved her <3