Nori's Notes

[Nori]

I had a big emotional flashback today. Last night I noticed that my kitchen sink was leaking. I removed all the items from under the sink, put a bowl to catch any water, and made a plan to let the person I rent from know in a day or so. I was going to delay it because I was already feeling overwhelmed. This morning, when I went to wash something, I realized just how much the leak was. Water was gushing out. I realized that I couldn't wait. So I texted the owner and they got back to me right away asking me to send them a video. They then included me on a group chat with the plumber who had come to fix the sink a year ago asking him to help. As soon as I got the text, I started shaking and crying. I was so caught off guard by my reaction and had to go and find a quiet place in my apartment to sit down. I had an inner awareness that this might be an emotional flashback and I went to grab Pete Walker's book and walked through the 13 steps. Once I'd calmed down a bit, I noticed a few things. I think the crying was mix of a release after feeling triggered about asking for help. There is this strong sense of not wanting to bother people. There is also fear about getting in trouble. I notice a tendency to always think that if something goes wrong, it's something that I did and I should be ashamed of it. There was also something else I'm struggling to put a name to around asking for help and receiving it. This person, this non-relative, answered me right away and helped me. Then later the plumber came and helped me. They didn't make it a big deal, or appear put upon, they just helped. I feel so alone so often, and having help touched something within me. I do get help sometimes from others, but for some reason this just touched me so much. I also think that I'm still recovering from the intensity of the past few weeks. I am also proud of myself for noticing being in an emotional flashback while it was happening and being there to support myself. I've found some comfort in having photos of myself as a toddler around and talking to that little girl in loving ways.

Reading others' comments helps a lot too. I struggle with feeling guilt for not being able to keep up with everyone's posts and reply. Like I'm taking without giving enough.

[TheBigBlue]

I struggle with feeling guilt for not being able to keep up with everyone's posts and reply. Like I'm taking without giving enough.

I relate to that a lot. 💛

But one thing I've been slowly learning is that support communities aren't scorecards. Nobody is keeping track of who replied to how many posts. Sometimes we're the one needing support, sometimes we're the one offering it, and over time it tends to balance out naturally.

And honestly, there have been times when someone wrote a single thoughtful sentence - maybe just said "sending support" or "you are not alone", that helped me more than ten longer replies ever could.

So, your pace, your recovery, your journal - and your presence here - are enough.

[zen_racer]

Nori, I'm sorry you've had issues with the sink and the reaction to that situation.  From my perspective, realizing you're in an EF while it's happening is a huge win.  Definitely something to be proud of.

I also relate to feeling guilt.  When I first joined this forum, I started learning about cptsd and as a result starting having EF's and memory flashbacks that got me pretty worked up, and I felt guilty for the exact same thing.  Everyone assured me that they didn't see it that way.

Sending support and hugs if it's okay. 

[HannahOne]

No way to keep up with everyone's journal or comments, there's so many! You're not taking---people are choosing to give, choosing to comment, because they can and want to. That's the only reason you would comment too, if you can and want to... if you can't, you're allowed to have limits! You're allowed to just be yourself. We're just so glad you're here, and sharing, and wanting to cheer you on.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you had the EF. Well done for recognising it and taking steps to calm yourself. Also well done for processing it, thinking about it and posting here so you can work out what was triggering and reassure yourself that you deserved help and you got it.