How important is it to know myself?

[zen_racer]

This seems so weird to ask this.  Back when I was going through school and afterwards, I studied philosophy on my own.  I knew who I wanted to be.  Not as a job, but as the qualities I wanted to have as a person.  I remember wanting to be mentally and emotionally strong enough that all my friends could count on me, that I wanted to be kind.  I can't remember much more, but I had a list of 15-20 qualities.

Now though, I can't think of a single thing I want to be.  For so long, my family always treated me like I was never worth having an opinion, or thinking that I should get anything I wanted.  I'd be asked what my opinion was and would then be told that I was wrong about my opinion.  For so long my family would treat literally anything I said as a challenge to somehow prove literally anything I've said as being untrue or me not understanding anything.  After so long of that, I can't even mentally bring anything up if I try to wonder at what my favorite food or color or car or motorcycle is.  It's like my brain doesn't accept that I can even have an opinion.  That liking something isn't a thing I can do.

How can I start to accept myself when I don't even know who that is?  How can I start to learn who I am outside of survival if I can't even express what I like or what I want even to myself?

[Hope67]

Hi zen_racer,
I don't think it sounds weird to ask about this, as it's something that I think many of us struggle with.  I think it's great that you once knew yourself, and could express that clarity by your list of qualities you hoped to have.  But I am so sorry that your family undermined this, and that your sense of self has consequently suffered. 

Maybe your sense of self could return slowly, by maybe having low-pressure kind of choices - seeing which you might be drawn towards, and which steers you away?  Noticing how you feel day to day, moment to moment.  Not being harsh on yourself or judgemental about any choices you do make.  Being kind to yourself. 

Knowing that you can change your mind, and that's okay?

I'm so sorry that your family made you feel like that. 

In terms of those qualities you chose originally, do you still relate to the two you mentioned, or do you feel differently now?  You don't need to answer that if you don't want to.  I just wondered if they still feel like things you'd like.

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, that resonates. I am in the process of finding out who I am and what I like or dislike. I'm 57.

I'm glad you are thinking about how to accept yourself rather than thinking about what you want to be. You are acceptable and lovable just as you are. Finding out who that person is takes being kind to yourself and being curious about your reactions to everything, both good and unpleasant. What Hope67 said. And Hope67 is very wise to point out that you are also free to change your mind. Something can start out being enjoyable and then become boring. That's OK. Something else can be an irritating chore and then turn out to be the first thing you do because you like it most rather than to get it out of the way.

Maybe start with what you know you like. Your racing, say. And just be curious about that. What is is about the racing that draws you? What is it about the bikes?

[zen_racer]

I appreciate both replies.  I'm still digesting.  I figured this might be good for me to answer, so I'm just going to focus on what I like about racing, and what I like about the bikes.

I've always had an affinity for mechanical things.  My first car was a 73 Mach 1 Mustang that I nearly completed restoring before an accident involving many deer stopped that project.  When I eventually got into motorcycles, it was a way to enjoy having a vehicle that was also a project, where I didn't absolutely need it running for daily transportation.  Because motorcycles are much smaller and have a LOT fewer parts, it's a way to have a vehicle project with a much quicker time to enjoy the vehicle as opposed to restoring a car for years and years and still not being done.

But then there's riding on it's own.  It reminds me of downhill snow skiing, the freedom to go anywhere you can see, and swaying and leaning almost in a dance while zooming downhill.  Motorcycles are similar, leaning and swaying to make it around curves.  I think it's the closest thing to flying like superman without actually being able to fly.  On the road, it's just fun and lends itself so well to exploring.  It's more tactile than just driving around.  When riding along a road with a stream or creek running along side of it, you FEEL the difference in temperature just because it's there.  When you start riding into a pine forest, you SMELL the pine trees like you never do in a car.  It's immersive, it's adventure, it's like flying.

As for racing, well, I do like the speed, and I like how the skills are so technical so it's a fun challenge to learn them.  To learn how to make a motorcycle better for racing, I had to learn the physics of how motorcycles work.  I love optimizing designs or redesigning things to make stuff work better, and racing gives direct feedback if something worked the way I wanted, if it gives better laptimes or worse.  And finally, I like the excitement.  Maybe because I'm so nonemotional about things unless I'm having a manic episode.  But it's some of the most fun I ever have when I'm in practice or a race, pushing to either try to set a new personal best lap time or pass someone, push a little too far and have the bike start sliding and trying to crash, and then save it and keep riding.  During the last event, I started qualifying at the back of the grid (they do it like a shorter race, and final position determines race position, not fastest lap times), and I was finally feeling healthy and like I was riding well, so I really pushed to get as far forward as I could.  I almost crashed twice.  Once by losing the rear of the bike under throttle exiting the fastest turn, and another time by sliding the front tire going through one of the sharpest turns.  Each time, I reacted fast enough and didn't crash.  I also enjoy the fact that racing, even mini's, is so physical that it makes me stay in shape.  Even on mini's, I still hit 2 G's on the brakes going into a turn, and I carry almost 2 G's while leaned over in a turn.  Finally, racing shuts off all the noise inside my head because I just literally do not have time to pay attention to anything else.

[Marcine]

Hi zen racer,
I relate with your motorhead passion! I rode a Honda dirt bike in Africa for a while and now ride recumbent human-powered cycles. I've always loved fast, well-built vehicles. The tactile sensations are real. Skiing, sailing, Maserati, Porsche...

You mentioned philosophy and I thought of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. I love that book.

As far as the original question you raised, one thing came to my mind... you have direct experience of multi-sensory joy and freedom, this is clear to me from your writing.

So, you are the one who experiences this joy and engagement with the world.

I wonder if that makes sense.

In your most recent post, you've outlined many qualities of what makes you a skillful, engaged, technical, passionate rider.

I have a hunch the answers you seek are hiding in plain view. Maybe in a blind spot, but they are there.

Keep blazing your trail.