Finding a Purpose to Life after Violence

[GettingThere]

Recently my dog passed away and because I'm no contact with all of my family, I am extremely alone now. I have great friends but my closest friends do not live in the same city as me. I would like to get another dog some day when I am more financially settled, but for now I cannot afford it.

I am struggling to figure out a purpose to my life while living alone and having no animal to take care of. Because my family is too violent to have in my life, it is not possible for me to feel purpose within a family system.

Do you have experience/advice on how to find purpose outside of a family? I would like to volunteer but it's hard to find the time. I think volunteering would help, but does anyone else have any other experiences/thoughts/suggestions?

Thanks so much 

[TheBigBlue]

Hi GettingThere,

I really resonate with what you wrote.

I've been de-meshing recently, and I don't feel like I have a strong inner sense of safety or self yet (I tend to think of it as an underdeveloped self-reference). My service dog was quite sick recently (he's okay now), and it triggered a big wave of dysregulation and overwhelming emotions. The loneliness and abandonment feelings can be very intense.

I'm not sure I have a clear answer, but before I even finished reading your post, volunteering with animals came to mind. That's something I did for 20+ years in animal shelters; looking back, I think it gave my nervous system a sense of co-regulation and safety.

If volunteering regularly feels like too much right now, maybe smaller versions could help too. For example, at dog parks there are sometimes people without dogs who come just to interact with them; I think of it as getting a "fur fix." It can help to mention it to owners so everyone feels comfortable.

Another small thing I've tried recently is I started wheelchair table tennis (after not doing recreational sports for three decades). The group lessons and open play give me some structure and contact. I don't think hobbies can fill my inner void - that deeper sense of purpose or connection, but they can create moments of distraction, relief and a bit of grounding.

You're not alone in this feeling, even if it feels that way day to day.

Sending some warmth and support your way. 💛 

[Kizzie]

Hey Getting There - what about a group activity say for a hobby you like, something new you want to try, maybe a fitness class...?  There may even be free support groups for trauma if you live in or close to a city.

Just some thoughts - hope something seems like you'd like to give it a try 

[Marcine]

Hi GettingThere,
TheBigBlue and Kizzie offer good suggestions. I'll add: consider giving yourself permission to try lots of different, potentially interesting things on the journey to finding a renewed sense of purpose. Maybe things you wouldn't have considered previously.

The activities/ philosophies you don't resonate with can inform your choices moving forward. And of course when you discover something that lights you up, then that's a clear direction.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear dog. When my canine best buddies reached the end of their lives, they left holes in my heart. I also wasn't ready to jump right back in with adopting a new dog. The local animal rescue here appreciates when folks stop by just to take a dog for a walk. And I made friends with the other people who gravitate to helping animals-in-need.

I don't live in a big city so we don't have lots of groups and amenities, but we do have youth and senior centers, a public library, a recreation department and a behavioral health center— all with various free/low cost activities aiming to suit a wide range of people's needs to learn and socialize.

I've lived long enough to know that there are chapters in life and volumes too that have beginnings and ends. At each ending there's an opportunity to refine the next story one gets to write. So your question about finding purpose after a big loss is a wonderfully important one. And I hope you start an amazing, interesting-for-you new chapter for yourself.

[GettingThere]

Thank you so much for all of your amazing suggestions. They all really resonated with me and have given me some ideas for how to move forward. Thank you all 

[Blueberry]

I have biiiiig problems with this topic when I'm in some sort of EF, which can go on for months. It's been particularly bad the past couple of years after I finally had to give up my very part time professional work, which had certainly been useful for my clients.

What has all given me a sense of purpose over the years, or even just the impetus to get out of bed in the morning:

Promoting bee-friendly plants in the garden - down to feeling that's the only way I'm contributing to the betterment of the planet


Moderating here on the forum or even "just" welcoming new people or writing posts that turn out to help minimum one person

Doing low-grade advocacy work for a type of pet i can no longer keep