Concern about view of C-PTSD

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I have C-PTSD ; my concern is about how it is viewed and the pressure on those of us who have it to "heal ",in my view c-ptsd ,is a disability , not a disorder , I have physical scars from the violence, since I was a child at the time ,my brain is not the same as it would be ,if I had a normal childhood, I can not change this ,it is as permanent as any other physical disability , I can not make up for the normal childhood, I never had, logic is logic, children need certain things, if they are deprived of them there are consequences , in adulthood , if this were not so, we would not care how children were raised, any old way would do. . My view is to accept ,the scars and physical damage and to accept the emotional damage, to cope ,handle ,and manage my C-PTSD, as I would with any physical disability. FYI, I was born with a physical disability, which made the abuse I suffered even worse , parents want perfect children, if they do not get one, they take it out on the child, I use the above  mentioned ways to live with that disability, as well  I feel that what I went through is being minimized , by the " you can heal scenario", all you have to do is a set of certain things, no one would expect me to heal from my other physical disability .

[dollyvee]

Hey Alexandra,

For me, I think CPTSD is something I will always have to live with. However, I feel like learning more about my reactions to things and what might cause those reactions/where they came from, can help me deal with it so that I am more my Self, which I never got to be growing up. I also thought for a long time like I had to heal to be a different person, one that was "perfect," and not these other "things" that didn't seem good enough, seemed to be messing up etc, but I don't think it's about that.

In the book I'm reading now, The Betrayal Bond, he describes the process as integration. For me, it's about working to maybe lessen the patterns that kept me reliving the life I had growing up, but not disowning who I am in the process. He does talk about the plasticity of the brain and it's ability to rewire, and maybe people more familiar with neuroscience can jump in, but I don't think it means you have to heal and be as if these things never happened to you. He also talks about how infants brains are shaped neurochemically by trauma. I guess it's more about coming to acceptance with where you're at now and what happened, which it sounds like you're doing, but maybe also allowing oneself to have the right to a different life? The freedom to choose as I think you put it before...

Anyways, these are just my two cents. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn't.

dolly

[NarcKiddo]

The serenity prayer comes to mind on reading your post:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference.

I agree that we are not disordered - our adaptations are a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction to the situation we faced. However it is possible to make adjustments now we are in a different situation. Some of the changes are permanent, but not all, in my view. However, I think people who do not understand or have lived experience of CPTSD believe that encouragement to heal gives us a message of hope, which does not always land well.

[Alexandra]

Hello Dollyvee and NarcKiddo ZG1; Thank you for your response, to my post, I appreciate your support. Yes, identity, is complicated by the trauma, where does it fit with who I am ,as I was born with a disability, which is part of my identity, after all I have no clue, about being able bodied , the same is true of all that trauma,I have only a little understanding of a normal childhood, I was lucky, the first 4 years of my life, my Dad, who was a total peach, took care of me, so I have some precious memories, of a life, not lived in terror and despair. It feels to me, that C-PTSD, is a part of my identity. I agree with you that, now, I am free to think my own thoughts, have my own interests, and most important, my own feelings. I am always looking for new ways to cope handle and manage my C-PTSD, Alexandra

[Alexandra]

Hello ; After having done some posts, I feel that I can express the following, as others will understand, I have coped, managed , handled and survived, all of this has taken a big tool on me ,however , I do not feel that I have ever lived , a number of years ago, I had malignant melanoma  a potential fatal, form of skin cancer , if not could early, the MD made a mistake she told me to umm put my affairs in order, for 2 hours I thought I was going to die, I sat alone in the MD's office  and thought " I am going to die, having never lived ," there is the proof that I do not feel that I have  ever lived, existed yes, lived no, I just feel that life is more than I have known . Perhaps others have such feelings .

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

I definitely feel I have only existed and not lived.

My experiences and memories start around 11 years of age.  I remember very little prior to that which most likely is my brain protecting me.  I can say from 11 yrs of age on was horrific enough on many levels - enough to put me in survival mode for the rest of it.  I'm now at much older age if you will and have always felt that I have not lived but existed to survive. 

Like many of us here - we know that trauma has an effect on our brain - that it actually changes our brain as you mentioned.

I have been in some kind of therapy/counseling since my early 20's.  I have worked on myself a lot.  As a result of your post I'm realizing at a deeper level (thank you!) that the damage done to me cannot physically be changed, corrected etc etc. I consider that a disability.  I can certainly continue to work on myself and make adjustments to thoughts, work through feelings and all of that.  However I don't know that my brain itself can change or get rewired.  The "existing rather than living" continues. 

I feel like this is pretty muddled - my response I mean
as I havent worked it out entirely for myself yet. So if my ramblings are helpful great - if not please disregard. I thank you for your post.

 

  

  

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; Thank you ,I appreciate knowing that , there are other people ,such as yourself who have the same feelings as I do. Just my take, in order for me to live , rather than exist, would take a strong sense of security and safety, which I do not have ,both due to the C-PTSD, and being poor and disabled, I can not afford the Type of environment that I need to feel safe, so I get my buttons pushed on regular basis , It is as if ,there are stages of life, living being a higher stage than existing. Even though ,I use every tool I can, I still have nightmares, and flashbacks etc., which says to me that I have  limited control , my brain has a mind of its own, so to speak. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra - I understand what you are saying and agree. I'm neither poor or rich, I have a home to live in with a friend in a fairly safe environment.   I only go out when absolutely necessary and have very few connections. My choice to stay safe and less triggered is to stay home and
connected with very few people.  I am quite isolated as a result.  I am currently working on that and being on OOTS again after a few years away is helping me quite a bit. 

 

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; Welcome back, I am new to OOTS , I am finding it helpful. I also stay home for the most part, I have made my apartment feel warm and cozy to me, I get very anxious to have someone visit me .I find it helpful to have friends whom I chat with on the phone, I am nice and safe ,and am socializing ,at the same time. Perhaps this is true for you, I find socializing very tiring, I go to a senior center once a week, to play bingo, it is a fun day ,however, the next day ,I feel exhausted , so I ration, my socializing . Alexandra

[Moondance]

Thank you Alexandra for the welcome back!

I also get very anxious having people come over.  It's my safe place and I don't want anyone messing with that lol 😆  but hopefully I will be able to make some changes even if small.

I am happy for you that you enjoy bingo once a week.  I can relate to the exhaustion when going out or being with other.

So glad you are here.

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; I have only one friend, whom I have known for years ,come to my apartment, for me my apartment feels like an extension of me , it is my very private space, in the old days people had a room in their house called the parlor, which was only used to entertain guests, it sounds like a good idea to me. I find group activities ,make me very anxious , I started out with one group activity a week, I was a nervous wreak , I thought people would notice ,but no, my anxiety was all internal, I used to come home and take a nap, , it took time ,I still get anxious being in a group ,however it has gotten better, over the years ,I have worked up to 2 group activities a week, I know that this is as much as I can do, however I still  get very ,scared with non structured group activities ,such as the coffee hour at Church, I am definitely, not a party goer, to much lack of structure ,for me ,I also feel that the noise bothers me, I am very sensitive  to noise. I decided years ago to try for one group activity, as I thought it would be good for me,it has helped me, I do feel much less of a sense of shame in a group than I used to, somehow it has been processing some of my shame , maybe this will sound weird to you, when I tried a group activity,for the first time ,I used to feel like I as not wearing any clothes . It does not matter how small a step you take,no matter how small the step, you are moving forward. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra

You are making progress and that is great.

I think both forward steps and backward steps all count. It's movement and that is good.

[TheBigBlue]

I hear what many here are saying about accepting and living with the impact of what happened. 💛 I also believe I will likely be affected in some way for the rest of my life.

But at the same time, I hope it is ok to offer a parallel perspective — not to correct, change, or invalidate anything that has been said in this thread. So please take what resonates and ignore the rest.

For me, I've been trying to understand it a bit through a neuroscience lens: complex, relational trauma has changed my nervous system — very early and very deeply. But to me it feels like my nervous system was injured by what happened to me, which is not quite the same as a disability I was born with. The brain and nervous system do have some degree of neuroplasticity, meaning neuronal connections and how our brain processes can adapt and shift over time — that's a scientific fact — even if not everything can be "undone".
So I've started to think of CPTSD less as "I AM CPTSD" and more as "my system was shaped by what happened to me."

In a different context, I'm mobility impaired and considered disabled, but I never felt like "I AM my disability," and I don't have to stop exploring what is still possible for me. For example, I started wheelchair table tennis 3 months ago after 30 years without recreational sport, and I genuinely love it. 🏓💛 And in those hours of joy playing, I sometimes wonder ... would I dare to say "I am living"? My CPTSD diagnosis, therapy, and shifts are still fairly new to me, so things feel a bit wobbly, and I don't want to make a firm judgment on that question yet.

So for me, it's not about denying the scars or expecting full healing, but about holding both as true:
— some things are real and lasting
— and at the same time, some things can still change, expand, or become easier.

And that's where I personally find a bit of hope: not in erasing what happened, but in not being completely defined or limited by it either - if that makes sense. 💛 

[Alexandra]

Hello TheBigBlue ; Good for you for not letting your mobility issues prevent you from finding ways to have fun. I feel there is an other issue ,while C-PTSD symptoms are universal , C-PTSD ,is caused by many kinds of abuse,it also depends on the age when it started, the earlier the worse the outcome will,be for example the lack of having a secure primary bond with a mother is profound,for example American families adopted orphans from Romania, they were giving loving homes however it was too late ,the orphans were not able to form emotional bonds with their new families , while C-PTSD, has common symptoms it is not like say PTSD, in which, the trauma, combat is the same ,for all, also the trauma happened to adults, children are a very different matter. I too believe in both and ,change what you can , and accept the rest. For me ,C-PTSD, has a major impact on my daily life, I have made friends with it, just as my other disability, has a major impact on my daily life ,I made friends with it long ago, this allows   me to be kind and compassionate with myself, and to know my limits .Alexandra

[Moondance]

Hi TheBigBlue

Yes what you say makes perfect sense to me.  Thank you for your post. I was hoping someone would share a different perspective.

This is how I am learning more and more about CPTSD.

As I read your post what came to mind for me is that I consider it a disability because the neglect, the abandonment, the attachment disorder, the never feeling safe, the abuse at a very young age has stopped me / disabled me from living a "normal" - a life without all of the things done to me.

I do however really like the idea/FACT, as you said:

The brain and nervous system do have some degree of neuroplasticity, meaning neuronal connections and how our brain processes can adapt and shift over time — that's a scientific fact — even if not everything can be "undone".

This does provide hope doesn't it. And I need hope!