Concern about view of C-PTSD

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance;You are right Hope is so very important. For me hope kept me going through the years of abuse, I had hope that I would survive and get out of the situation, which I did, hope helps me to change what I can ,for example  over the years I have developed, self esteem ,and self confidence , learned to take good care of my self, to set boundaries with other people so they do not take advantage of me , hope is a wonderful thing. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

Since I have been back on OOTS I've been feeling glimmers of hope here and there and that is a really good thing as it had completely gone.  I don't know what happened to change it but a definite shift happened which made me reach out here again.  Im thankful for that.

If you don't mind me asking how were you able to  develop self confidence, self esteem and healthy boundaries.   We're there specific tools you came across or used?




 

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance ; I had an NPD for a so-called mother I found Jerry Wise videos on YouTube  really helpful, as he explained all of the ways an NPD uses to manipulate their daughters, My so-called mother was also a schizophrenic, so I read up on them, it was very hard for me to look into who my abuser was, I had to " hold my nose ", I felt that trying to understand her meant having sympathy for her, I thought her behavior was something only she did, it was very helpful to me to understand all abusers use the same tactics,they are all cold and calculating , I had the wonderful understanding that it had nothing to do with me, she would have done the same to any child she could , I learned, that all that I went through, was not about me at all, it was a nightmare that happened to me ,I would look into the pathology of your abuser, I found that exposing the "con", helped me to build my self esteem ,which my so-called mother did her best to destroy, do remember the abuser needs to destroy , any idea of your self esteem ,in order to keep total control over you and get you to not object to the abuse. As for self confidence , I took at look at myself, what am I good at, it can be small things, appreciate your abilities, do those things that you are good at. This may sound odd, howeverthis helped me a lot,  I started treating myself as if I were someone I loved, I asked myself, would I say that to someone I loved, if the answer was no, I stopped saying it to myself , I would ask myself ,would I treat someone I loved in this way, again, if no ,I stopped. Lastly, I am so angry with my abuser, that I made up my mind to never let her win , no matter what it takes, my so-called mother must never win. I do hope that this is helpful to you. I know only, well, the feeling, that I am nothing and no body, I still have bad days ,when I feel that way, however they are fewer and fewer. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Thank you Alexandea,

I will check out Jerry Wise on u-tube.

I really appreciate you sharing how you have made these changes.  It gives me different ideas on what I
can try.

I find it really hard to change these things - I feel my core beliefs of myself (like many of us) is so ingrained. 

I have worked on it at different times in my life and have felt better for periods of time and then the next traumatic experience takes place and my self confidence and esteem are in the dumps again. Another reason I isolate - i just feel more stable within myself.

There is schizophrenia in my family - I will look into that as well at some point.

Alexandra I'm so very sorry for all that you have gone through. You should never have been treated so horribly and none of it should ever have happened.   

[Alexandra]

Hello MoonDance; Thank you for your kind wishes, I feel the same, you should never have had to go through , the horrible things you were forced to endure ,either. You said you still have traumatic experiences , I am sorry to hear that.You said " I feel more stable within myself" , bravo, you can build a good relationship with yourself. FYI, Jerry Wise has both free videos and ones you can pay for, I found the free ones were good enough, of course, you can see for yourself, what works best for you. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Thank you Alexandra for your well wishes - I really appreciate it. If your okay with a gentle hug here you are  if your not please disregard.

I may have given you the wrong impression - my writing or expressing myself is sometimes not the best.

No ongoing trauma right now - I think I meant throughout my life I've worked on my self esteem and confidence only to be knocked down again and again in the past. Everything came crashing down on me a few years ago (7yrs) I simply fell apart. Ive had a more difficult time getting back up this last time.

I have had 4 breakdowns throughout my life - this last one being the worst. I had forgotten about the first 3. The first 3 I was able to get back up and carry on. This last time I was unable to work or do much of anything.   In hindsight I can see that I had really struggled for a long time.  I understand why now.  I was diagnosed with CPTSD 3 yrs ago. This may sound weird but I felt comforted to a degree to put a name to what was happening, how I was unable to deal with much of anything and all the symptoms that come with it - I had always thought there was something terribly wrong with me - at my core.  A common thought among us unfortunately. As I learnt more and more about CPTSD I felt tremendously relieved and still do.

Now I'm at the point where I feel able to work at healing. I had been coasting and not doing much of anything since this last breakdown. I tried but it just was too much.  I guess that means I'm stronger than I was 3 yrs ago.  Progress!!



 

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; I am happy with your hug. Here is something you can do ,that I do not know how to, how do you add the emogies to your post? thanks. I am so very sorry that you have had breakdowns,  thank you for trusting me with this pain , may I say ,you are safe with me ,  there is nothing wrong with you at the core, here is a way that helped me to prove this to myself  , take a  $50 bill, throw it on the floor, step omit, put it in a pot of dirt , crumble it, what do still have a $50 bill, no matter what you do to it, it is still a $50 bill, worth exactly, what it was before it got stepped on or put into dirt, your are valuable no matter how badly you were treated .It is good to have a name for what you are dealing with, I also felt relieved , when I learned that I have C-PTSD. I worry a lot about what bad thing will happen next ,a bad habit that I find hard to break, I keep trying though, the best name for it  that I have  found is " the nameless dread" , I did not make this phrase up, I wish I had, however ,I feel it suits my feelings. Alexandra

[Moondance]

The emoji's are at the top of new post (you most likely know that lol)

You select the emoji you wish to use by touching the emoji with a finger.

If you wish to select a hug emoji at the end of your post select the emoji then. 

If you wish to select a hello emoji at the beginning of your post select the emoji at the beginning.
 
Hope that helps. Take care!

[Alexandra]

Hello ; Thanks for the info,    this is what I get, a description, not the emoji ,it must be my system . Alexandra

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; What do you know the emoji , itself showed up, once I posted , I am not very techno .

[Moondance]

Excellent!! It works!! 

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of, you, I hope today is a good day. Alexandra

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

Thank you  I appreciate the care

I have been dreaming about a lot of different things - some things feel like memories and others feel like nightmares - I woke up feeling not the greatest today - I will see how it goes hopefully lighter as the day goes.

Wishing you a good day Alexandra.

[Alexandra]

Hello Moondance; There are two therapies that could be helpful, if available in your area, therapeutic horse back riding, you are interacting with an animal, a horse, horse back riding is very relaxing, ,I would try this myself however there is not a program in my area, also an emotional support animal, or get a warm cat or dog from a shelter, my cat knows somehow he looks after me, I do find my cat helpful.

[Moondance]

Hi Alexandra,

Thank you for this info Alexandra.   I find my cat helps a lot.

The horses is a great idea except im deathly afraid of them.

I do feel a bit lighter as the day goes. I am thankful for that.

I hope your day is going okay.