Feeling a little less scared

[NarcKiddo]

Over the past year or so I have been feeling less scared of FOO, and M in particular. They can still trigger me something rotten, but the abject terror as I am plunged into a deep EF mostly doesn't crop up these days. For that I am very grateful.

I've got much better at noticing my emotions, naming them and wondering about them rather than simply trying to squash them and get rid of them as fast as possible.

Yesterday there was a spider in my bathroom, high on the ceiling. My M taught me to be terrified of spiders. I've always been OK with the tiny money spiders as even I could plainly see they could not hurt me. Anything bigger than that was always a problem. I was simply unable to rescue it under a glass and put it outside, as my H will do. If he was not around to save it, the spider would be squashed. Even that I found hard, but easier then leaving it be to wander around and maybe appear in my bed or something. This spider was not huge but it was of a size that would have had me calling for my H or wondering how I could exterminate it. Yesterday I just left it where it was. If I had found it within reach later in the day I might have squashed it. Or I might even have rescued it and put it outside. It stayed there all day. When it came time to go to bed I did not fret about the spider like I would normally do. When it had gone this morning I did not wonder where it might suddenly appear. I just thought 'good, it's gone'.

Today at the gym I was having a shower and the most terrible noise started up. It sounded as if the whole building was about to collapse. They have been doing some works out the front and I think they must have been doing them at the back, too. The vibrations were coming through all the pipes and swirling around the tiled surfaces of the shower area. In times gone by I would have finished my shower as fast as humanly possible (by which I mean conduct no more washing and rinse off whatever soap was on me already) and fled from the scene. Today I just listened and supposed that if the ceiling was not falling down now it was unlikely to fall on my head in the next five minutes. I finished my shower in an orderly fashion.

These are small instances, but they are a huge change in attitude for me. It felt like adult NK is so much more in control. Instead of instant panic, the littles seemed prepared to let me judge and deal with a scary situation. They trusted me enough to do that.

Of course there are going to be times when adult NK is not able to stay fully in charge, but the more the littles let me, and see nothing bad happens, the more adult NK will be able to drive the bus properly.

If someone had said to me when I started the healing journey that healing might look like not being quite so scared of spiders I would probably have concluded it was not worth the bother. But actually, it is. It SO is.

[Hope67]

Wow NarcKiddo, these are really great things that you're describing, and I'm sending you a cheer, to celebrate them 

[Blueberry]

 

As someone with these sort of anxieties and fears, this is huge progress NK. I'm proud of you.    

[Kizzie]

Well done NK! It definitely sounds like younger parts have become trusting of you.    

[TheBigBlue]

These are small instances, but they are a huge change in attitude for me. It felt like adult NK is so much more in control.

These are not small. Just reading how you describe those shifts made me  feel lighter. This is huge.

What stands out to me is that pause - that space where you could notice, think, and choose, instead of being pulled straight into panic. That's such a meaningful change.

And yes ... it really sounds like the littles are starting to trust you. That's beautiful. You're showing them, over and over, that you can keep things safe now.

Hurray for neuroplasticity and integration - and for you. 💛

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you all for your responses. 

I discussed this with my T today. She commented that sometimes the biggest steps first show up in what seem to be small places.

I'm so happy the littles are starting to trust me. I've had times in the past where adult NK felt totally overwhelmed at the prospect of being responsible for the welfare of this coterie of littles, especially given what a rough ride they had from FOO. It's starting to feel like we are a team. I feel strangely emotional about that - tearful, but happy tears.

[TheBigBlue]

 

[Moondance]

Hi NarcKiddo,

Cheering for you!!

 

[dollyvee]

Good for you NK 

I find that as I go on, there is more distance inside to things I wouldn't normally have had distance to in the past.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
Adding another cheer, it's so great that you're experiencing a 'team' feeling with your littles.