Activating myself

[Blueberry]

Hi Blueberry,

I don't know if this fits for you - please disregard if it doesn't...

It's okay to not be productive, to take some time to rest, do nothing, do unproductive things.

Sluggishly sitting with you.

  

    

Thank you, it's really good and helpful to me to re-read that now!

 When you first wrote it, I felt like arguing back that you don't  know how much of my life I've spent being sluggish and now that I had seemed to get over that I wanted to stay on sort of a roll...
But now I realise you're right and I'm really happy to read your reminder and feel your support. It helps me not feel so much shame at what undoubtedly looks like an indolent lifestyle.

Maybe it is indolent, but thinking that never helps me get back on track. In fact, often I just need TIME and then I get back on track without really even trying far less struggling.

I do know what would help: the old self-hygiene, which is hard for me. But once I do that, I'm likely to go outside, putter around in the garden, maybe put some radish seeds in, and then go to a free board games evening. The latter means I'll be among people irl which I've been badly neglecting recently.

San, I know you accept me for how I am too, in fact you remind me that I have these up and down phases so you know I'll come out of this one too. 

[Blueberry]

I went back to read the beginning of this journal and that helped me remember what activation is all about. Trying to activate myself daily, in small ways. And possibly activating more than one aspect. Intellectually I've been fairly activated in the last while, and low-level physically without even thinking about it, especially my feet while I'm lying down.

But more creative or just sensory would be important. Even going into the garden would help me with that - cuz I look at what's growing and blooming and how my own new plants are doing. Probably pull some weeds up, edible or otherwise. My fingers feel the plants. There will be some scents in the garden, noises too, like bees buzzing about and birds calling or poking about in the undergrowth...

[zen_racer]

   

Thank you, it's really good and helpful to me to re-read that now!

 When you first wrote it, I felt like arguing back that you don't  know how much of my life I've spent being sluggish and now that I had seemed to get over that I wanted to stay on sort of a roll...
But now I realise you're right and I'm really happy to read your reminder and feel your support. It helps me not feel so much shame at what undoubtedly looks like an indolent lifestyle.

Maybe it is indolent, but thinking that never helps me get back on track. In fact, often I just need TIME and then I get back on track without really even trying far less struggling.

I do know what would help: the old self-hygiene, which is hard for me. But once I do that, I'm likely to go outside, putter around in the garden, maybe put some radish seeds in, and then go to a free board games evening. The latter means I'll be among people irl which I've been badly neglecting recently.

San, I know you accept me for how I am too, in fact you remind me that I have these up and down phases so you know I'll come out of this one too. 

Reading this really helped me Blueberry.  Seeing you recognize your need and choose self care is inspiring to me.  I'm recognizing that I want to relate more than I do with how you're confident you'll get through this phase.  That makes me think it might be possible some day.

I think you're right about the shame too.  I can relate to that with how I acted/reacted all the times I had quit smoking and then made a mistake, and beat myself up for it so much I acted like I never tried to quit.  The time I did quit, I only made one misstep, and I realized at the time that it was only one small mistake, and didn't let it stop me.

Anyway, I really appreciated the positive aspects of your post.  Thank you.

[Blueberry]

You're welcome, zen-racer, glad my posts help others.

I'm confident sometimes anyway, because I've been on this healing journey a long, long time. I read my back-posts and see that again and again I do come out of these phases of hibernation. There are also people on the forum who see that and remind me when I forget... Also my therapist reminds me.

[Moondance]

Yes, agreed Blueberry - in recent years I have been very non motivated, sluggish, didnt care etc etc.

I guess I'm also finding out that either way I need to learn to accept where I am at even if I never do anything ever again. Also it is always easier for each of us to be more accepting of others. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, i really like how you re-framed your down time as 'hibernation'.  i like the sound of it, and it reminds me of animals who hibernate cuz that's what they do, and they don't judge themselves harshly but rather they accept it's part of their own cycle. 

and i think you know i'm with you on the whole being out in the garden thing.  i can't think of anything more grounding for me.  i've got 2 pots of tomato plants growing right now, but since i'm on the north side of the building, it's hard to find enough sunlight for them, so it's kind of an experiment this year.  we'll see. 

and all those nature sounds are my kind of music.  i'm so glad you have some green space you can both utilize and enjoy.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Anyway, I really appreciated the positive aspects of your post.  Thank you.

You're welcome here too

There are actually threads on the forum which are all about positivity. NOT positive thinking, not with any kind of goal like zooming in on the positive in order to whitewash all the trauma. Not at all. It's more giving your brain and your emotions a break from the spiralling downwards into trauma. So even if you spend 5 minutes in 24 hours focussing on something good or joyful or focussing on finding it, that can be helpful. I've actually learned and practised these methods in inpatient trauma therapy. Years ago I did some of them daily for almost a year till they were really ingrained in my mind. Especially finding Joy daily. Joy in small and simple things 
A lot of them are here, pinned at the top https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0

Also a discussion of it https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15081.msg129292#msg129292  and https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15081.msg129314#msg129314  Maybe further down that thread too.
In among the Journals, this type of information and experience goes missing a little bit. But I write Journals too and of course they're helpful in a different way.

zen_racer, some of what I write under the two links directly above may help you understand a bit more about working with inner parts / child parts before you're totally ready. Maybe that's all good for you now anyway? If so, ignore. Or if it's too much or whatever.

______________________

I do know what would help: the old self-hygiene, which is hard for me. But once I do that, I'm likely to go outside, putter around in the garden, maybe put some radish seeds in, and then go to a free board games evening. The latter means I'll be among people irl which I've been badly neglecting recently.

As usual some of that worked and some of it didn't. That was Thursday that I could have done those things, but I didn't get on with them till this afternoon, Friday. Especially showering and hair wash. Which was important to state the obvious. No radish seeds in. No weed (wild herb) harvest, but because I realised I wouldn't use them. Even if the idea of using them is appealing. It is, but the wherewithal is simply not there today. 

This evening I phoned quite a number of people, more to organise various things in the next couple of weeks than long chats, but of course after weeks of hardly contacting anybody IRL, anything is helpful. Helps to activate me in other ways too. And helps me feel like a human, feel better grounded in society in general, rather than not belonging on planet Earth at all. The latter feeling is from childhood/adolescence in FOO and not a helpful state to drop back into.

Also went food-shopping and at least set the dishwasher in motion. Let's see what I manage tomorrow.    A contagious upwards spiral I hope.

[zen_racer]

Thank you for that, Blueberry.  I may have to look up those threads on positivity.  It's timely that you mention having a break from the spiralling downwards into trauma.  That's how I've felt recently.  Just this morning I was starting to question if I needed to keep doing that.  Can I ignore it like it doesn't exist, at least while I'm at work?  I don't know, I guess in the next few weeks/months, I'll get to see how my life changes now that I know what I'm up against, starting to know what I've been through, and can hopefully start making progress.

I looked at the links.  This one hit home pretty hard:
"safety irl - not being in contact with past or present abusers, having a physically and emotionally safe space"
I don't think I would've gotten this bad again if I hadn't moved back around family.  I've been keeping my distance, but I feel trapped into keeping touch.

It sounds like you've had a good day.  I hope it's a contagious upwards spiral too.

Thank you for spending so much time typing stuff up and getting links for me.