trying to make sense of the inner voice

[Dalloway]

Hi everyone,

hope you´re having a nice Sunday. There is something I struggle with and thought it might be a good idea to share it with people who understand and maybe can also relate, to get some ideas on this issue.

So I kind of identified an inner voice that is always present, sometimes as a background noise, but at times when things slow and calm down around me, gets very intensive and loud. When I rest in the stillness and silence after the busy and loud week (it happens most often on the weekends when I have the opportunity to breath a sigh of relief), there is a voice that comes around from the darkness and whispers to me "you should be doing something else" or "you should be somewhere else". It means that I´m not in a place I would like to be and not quiet living the life I want to - the joyous and content one I dream of.

I tried to identify the voice, it´s origin and source but here I kind of bump into a wall, because I have two theories on what this voice can be. My first take is that it´s the voice of the inner critic who was taught to remind me every time I´m not perfect not to rest, not to relax, but to try hard and work hard to reach the perfection. Also, when I hear this voice, I get very upset and hopeless, whatever I was doing before, having fun or just enjoying myself or being grateful for the things in the present moment. The appearance of the voice ruins my mood because it reminds me of how far I am from achieving my goals and from solving my biggest issues. It´s trying to make me see that all the small things that bring me instant gratification are illusory and that they are a form of denial. Instead, I have to focus on the harsh truths and the dark reality of my past enmeshed with my present.

But there is something else present that could also be the answer. The voice of my true self, coming from within, trying to whisper in my ear, desperate to convince me that I am capable of things, that I´m brave enough to make it. This part of me loves me endlessly and never gives up on me. It´s always there, in times of turmoil quietly whispering, in better times talking loud and clear. I imagine it as a calling that, if you are able to concentrate on, becomes a clear message of what you have to do in the pursuit of happiness. There are things I´m afraid of or not able to do yet that would maybe one day make my life happier - connecting to people, learning to trust again, loving myself with all my heart. And maybe this voice wants me to do some heavy lifting because it knows that it might be uncomfortable or scary first, but the rough and dangerously looking path would lead to a beautiful forest with birds and flowers and a crystal clear stream.

How do I know which voice is talking to me in the moment? Is it the inner critic that wants to force me not to rest and achieve perfection and robs me of enjoying the small moments of equanimity? Or is it the voice of my authentic self, trying to reach me with the message of not giving up on life and being brave even when I don´t feel like? Would the inner critic try to get me into uncomfortable situations that may later bring joy? Wouldn´t it try to make me hide or advise me to be invisible and perfect in order to survive, just as it learned to do when I was a child? Could it be both? Or none of them?

[Teddy bear]

Hi Dalloway,

Your post caught my attention, so I looked into it. Here's a summary from Google's AI overview — I thought it was quite insightful:

"The inner critic is a harsh, fear-based subpersonality that judges, demeans, and focuses on flaws to enforce safety or conformity. Conversely, the inner voice/coach acts as a compassionate, solution-oriented, and encouraging guide, aiming for growth and self-acceptance. Balancing these requires identifying, not fighting, the critic.


Key Differences and Characteristics
Inner Critic (The Judge):
Focus: Problems, limitations, and past mistakes.
Tone: Harsh, demanding, shaming, and anxious.
Goal: Attempts to "protect" you by keeping you in line or preventing failure, but often causes anxiety or feelings of inadequacy.
Common Phrases: "You're not good enough," "You should have done better," "You're going to fail".
Inner Voice/Coach/Cheerleader (The Guide):
Focus: Solutions, opportunities, and positive potential.
Tone: Compassionate, honest, encouraging, and supportive.
Goal: Fosters resilience, growth, and self-compassion.
Common Phrases: "I'm learning as I go," "What can I learn from this?," "I am enough".

Managing the Dialogue
Don't Fight, Understand: Treating the inner critic as an enemy makes it louder; instead, recognize it as a misguided protector.
Question the Narrative: Challenge the critic by asking, "How do you know this is true?".
Cultivate the Coach: Actively practice self-compassion, write down positive affirmations, or channel encouraging, positive figures to strengthen your inner voice.
Separate Identity: Recognize that the inner critic is a part of your thinking process, not the entirety of who you are."

I've noticed similar patterns in my own experience.

Hope that helps a bit,

[dollyvee]

Hi Dalloway,

I think your first impulse that it is the Inner Critic is probably along the right track, but it's whatever resonates for you. In his book on IFS and the Inner Critic, sometimes the inner critic is the voice of a parent/caregiver that we identify with (for surivival reasons), which sounds like what you could be doing. IFS can be helpful in starting to map these things out because you can go inside and ask it directly. This is helping you establish a working relationship with your internal parts, and less on needing someone else to confirm or deny what's going on. No shame or judgement, just that it's helpful to build that sense of agency for yourself.

Sending you support,
dolly

[TheBigBlue]

Dalloway, reading this, my sense is very similar to what others have shared: this sounds much more like the inner critic than the voice of the true self.

For me, the inner critic is never satisfied. It doesn't allow rest, it keeps moving the goalposts, and it turns quiet moments into reminders of what is "not enough." In my own history, that voice grew out of having to earn attention and safety. As a child, I learned that maybe if I worked harder, achieved more, stayed perfect, or took up less space, I might finally be seen as worthy of love. Cognitively, I know now that this was never true - it reflected my parent's limitations, not my worth - but for the five-year-old me, it was the lived reality for half a decade.

Because of that, this voice still shows up especially when things slow down. Rest can feel dangerous. Stillness gives it room to speak. And it often disguises itself as "truth" or "motivation," when in reality it's rooted in fear, pressure, and conditional worth.

What has helped me - or better is helping me - isn't arguing with it or trying to force it away, but naming it, letting its origins be witnessed, and meeting it with compassion rather than obedience. That's slow work - and very human work.

You were always enough. You were always worthy of love, long before doing or achieving anything. 💛 

[NarcKiddo]

Given the voice is strongest when you are resting and, if I understand your post correctly, feeling that rest to be beneficial, I agree with the others that it sounds more like a critical voice. The "should" word is also generally a critical sort of word.

I agree with the advice to meet the voice with compassion rather than obedience, and I would also suggest you add some curiosity. Ask where it thinks you should be. What it thinks you should be doing. Why it thinks that.

I think it is also worth remembering that the pursuit of happiness can be an endless task, meaning you are never content with where you are. These days, now I have some experience of contentment, I find it helpful to acknowledge times I am content and appreciate them, rather than always seeking something "better". I am not at all meaning to be critical here of your desire for happiness because we all want that. It's just that happiness can become some mythical state of being we never attain if we are not actually sure what happiness even is. I also don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying the present or seeking the occasional bit of instant gratification.