Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

and get the part of me that thinks I am not safe without a job to relax

I hope you can. It may be a tricky thing, though. I am not telling you what I am about to tell you to be discouraging, and I hope it isn't, but it somehow seemed to be relevant. A bit, anyway. Ignore if you not in a frame of mind to read about recalcitrant parts.

As you know from my journal I have been struggling with Teen NK. She is a perfectionist. I realised recently that one of my habits is hers. When I hang laundry the pegs must match in type and colour. I have a rag bag selection of clothes pegs amassed over the years. They used to be in a plastic basket I could hang on the line and it was easy to select pegs from the basket while making sure they matched each other and the colour of the item they were hanging. That basket broke and I bought a bag I could sling over my shoulder. My late pug hated that type of bag and would attack it on my person which is why I switched to the basket. It is not so easy to select the correct pegs from the new bag. Teen NK has been taking a long time rifling through the bag for a suitable peg. So I told her we have no need to be so selective and she was just making work for herself. I told her we will just use random pegs to make the job quicker. I was very pleased with myself for making her life easier. She responded by getting put out if the random peg turned out to match one I had just used. I ended up spending more time making sure the pegs did not match in any way! So I told her it was OK if she wanted the pegs to match and she is happy again. Sigh. Now that I have written this down I am really not at all sure it has the vaguest relevance to your part who is scared of being without a job. But I've written it now.

I do have to say that I very much enjoyed your ninja laundry skills. I love that you went in there, did not sign in, did not see anyone, folded laundry and then left. I think there will be some head-scratching going on. I'm only sorry you had to be in a panic attack while all that went on.

 

[HannahOne]

Dear SanMagic7, thank you so much for the thoughtful reply and sharing your experience. I love the Alice in Wonderland quote. I hadn't thought of it like that, younger versions of myself... that's so true, that's part of what I'm wanting to do. And of course, one cannot go back. Nor do I really want to. Going forward I've learned so much by parenting my kids and all that required of me advocating in the world. I'm a different person now. The younger version of me struggled mightily, too, it was very hard to work. Thank you for that. And thank you for encouraging me to consider the library. I worked in university libraries as a grad student and want to revisit!

NK, that is hilarious, my laundry ninja skills. Thank you for making me laugh. Yes, HannahOne, the laundry ghost.    My boss is back, and she wrote me the kindest email and told me... they have more squirrels. Haha. So maybe I'll go next week, she invited me "anytime." I may write back and confirm she will be there and ask specifically for her to give me/teach me tasks for that shift as that is part of what I need and I think I will tell her I'm struggling with the predator food prep and ask for other tasks. She's just glad to have the help and is very different than the two top bosses.

I get it about the recalcitrant parts. It is definitely tricky!!!! So tricky.

[HannahOne]

I went to the city. It is 6.5 hours round trip by train, LOL. I should be exhausted.d but I am energized. I came home and have been cleaning for a few hours (for good reason, kid is having a sleepover and need to deep clean, reset kitchen for them to destroy, etc). I have ENERGY. I think I am going to continue with this therapist even though it's ridiculous to go so far. If I would drive it would be an hour each way but the drive is very hard for me w traffic and parking is impossible. I actually love the train. I love being among the people.

It's almost like going to the dentist, being on the train=== no one can bother me! I'm on a train! I can actually relax. I feel like I'm going somewhere. Somewhere new. Different energy. There are art galleries all around the therapy office to explore. Im out of the suburbs. I'm walking. It is such an inefficient use of time but what else am I gonna do, since I don't work? Might as well please myself. I am so psyched about it.

I liked the therapist. She could already see Most of Me. She caught every dissociation. It will be a process. But there is a little chemistry. She didn't bully me for the trauma history, didn't seem scared. Let me be me. I feel hopeful. Session one, done!

I feel bad as I've been seeing one for about 8 weeks and I'll have to stop with her, but there is just not chemistry, it's a bit heavy, I come home drained. She is too reserved, I can't feel her, no contact. I asked her to be more active and she was, she is really trying. I can feel her thinking, she is thinking. I can feel that she wants to do a good job with me. But that's different than wanting to be with me and although I'm sure she wants to, maybe I don't want to be with her. More than thinking, I need someone who can also feel and attune, and she is just not as present, not as much presence as I need. If I needed insight she would be great. But that's not what I need. She also can't really see the parts of me. It's my brain talking to hers. Which is fun but I'm not there to shoot the stuff. I need to be seen without having to wave my arms and scream, and then she has to know what to do with that, and I don't have the sense she does. Or so far, she has only prescribed a gratitude journal. Lady. I'm a trained professional, I've been doing therapy since 1994. Stop with the gratitude journal. Of course, she can't see the snark part Or the skeptic. Or the stoic. ..... Sigh. I feel bad. There is some potential and I don't entirely trust myself. But since now I have to fish or cut the line, I'm going to cut her loose, leaving the door open to return. Don't know how I'll explain it. Don't want to tell her any of this. Ugh!

I am unsure about this new one either, of course it will take weeks, months to know if it could work. But at least there's energy. And she seems willing to see. And I already have a feel of her. I can't know what will happen, but we never can know.

Tomorrow I have a haircut and then host a big sleepover party with a bunch of teen girls. Always fun to watch my kid live their life out loud complete with popcorn, lemonade, ice cream sundaes, glow bracelets and the other accoutrements of teenhood. Carefree. So different than my life. So happy it's so different. Not much time left to play the mom role and be the bearer of popcorn. Enjoying the last little bit of it.

[Hope67]

Hi Hannah,
It's great to hear you are enjoying your energy.  Especially good that you liked the therapist and that you feel hopeful.  It sounds really great.

I related to what you said about your other therapist - in that wanting more than thinking.  I've been ruminating and thinking in my own head so much in past years - to imagine also having a therapist who did such things too - maybe that would be too much.  Presence is important.  I relate to what you said anyway. 

Hope that your kid's sleepover party goes really well. 

Sending you a hug 

[HannahOne]

Thank you so much, Hope67!

I've thought more about it. I think insisting on a relational approach at this point is essential for me. I've done years of stabilization and trauma processing, skills, etc etc etc.

I'm very interested in relationships right now. Looking back over my journal, I am interested in "going out," "the world," "being among the people" LOL, interested in classes, negotiating, my partner, sexuality, clothes and self-expression, interacting with shopkeepers, finding a way to contribute to my community.... all of these themes are Relational.

When therapy posits that the problem is "inside me," I'm limited to working "on" myself. I have "depression," the depression is inside me, I need to get it out of me. I "am" anxious, I have to work "on" "my" anxiety. I have flashbacks, I have to "ground" "myself."

But the ground of my being is relational. I don't believe in god anymore but I do believe that I am not fundamentally alone, because there are all these other people. LOL. And animals. And plants. And minerals. There's a whole planet. And I cannot not be in relation to these things. I am fundamentally contingent. I did not create myself and I know not where I am going other than back into the earth, where I won't be alone either but surrounded by minerals and worms. Ew. Payback for all the mealworms heads I pinched off for the crow.

I am not depressed because I have a chemical imbalance and cognitive behavioral restructuring will fix the negative thoughts. I am depressed because the way I developed of relating to the world is * up. It's off. It isn't functional. When I am a "laundry ninja" as NK put it, how can anyone relate to me at my volunteer job? I am acting invisible. I learned to be invisible in a traumatic environment.

I am not anxious because "my nervous system is broken" and this somatic protocol will fix it.  I am anxious because I learned relational patterns to cope with uncertainty and those ways of relating reenact the trauma. Showing up at the volunteer job and then being terrified to cut potatoes is a relational problem. I am afraid of the bosses. I am acting out fear of punishment. So I run away, or space out.

I am not dissociative "because" I "have" dissociation. These frameworks are just silly! I dissociate because I learned how to do that in a relational situation. It's a habit of being. I can name 5 things I see, 4 things I hear.... but then what? I really don't think "grounding" is the cure for dissociation. Apparently! LOL. No one knows what to do with me, therapists struggle with me because they can ground me a thousand times, but then what? I've processed the trauma. I've done all the things. I've habituated, extinguished, predicted the errors. I keep remembering the one who yelled at me, "Why don't you habituate!??!?" after a year on the job. LOL. I dunno, lady. You tell me!

Yelling isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. With many of my therapists---and I don't blame them, I came to them saying fix me! Put me through your protocol! EMDR me! Whatever it takes!---but with many of them, it was almost like a fight. They could call that my "resistance." I could call it their "insistence." But what were we doing? To each other? The poor things! How many therapists retraumtized me in the 90s with * EMDR protocols that didn't take into account the relational nature of my trauma and how many poor EMDR therapists did I secondarily traumatize with them listening to my trauma for the hundredth time to try to make "a coherent narrative" or to "extinguish the triggers." WT* were we doing. And I paid out of pocket for all that *.

I'm sure it helped in many ways. Clearly it did. I stabilized rapidly after leaving the environment, I acquired degrees, I rapidly ascended into the middle class, I held jobs, I bought a house, I produced two children, I held a marriage together. That is not nothing! I know. I could be in a ditch. And should be, based on the rest of my family.

And.

My habitual ways of relating to myself, to other people, to the world, are stubborn. They are locked in, baked in. I know now how to identify safe people and situations. I don't unconsciously act out. I know how to be stable emotionally, financially.

Yet I'm in a nice safe suburban wildlife center run like a tight ship, and I hide in the freezer.

I am a relational being. I need healthy relationships, but I have bad relational habits. I need help to unlearn them. And that's not a protocol. I need a therapeutic relationship, to warm up from the freezer. To experience safety in. To experience myself in. Some of my therapists have offered some of that for sure. But then that therapeutic relationship is mixed in with torture protocols, endless hoops I must jump, 10,000 worksheets I must fill in, one more round with the tappers, just one more, just one more let's see if we can get the SUDS down a little more, yet another grounding exercise, yet another gratitude journal. I dunno. It starts to feel like more of the same. Not being. 

I can withstand a lot of torture. And obviously there's not much in common with the actual torture of the past, and holding EMDR tappers in a nice suburban office with a nice lady. Except that the situations FEEL the same, because I'm still alone, if there's not a warm, safe enough, therapeutic relationship where I can be myself, feel what I feel, know what I know, and be somewhat seen, somewhat known, somewhat met, somewhat felt. It's never perfect, we are humans. It's really hard to attune to another person. It will always be off. But the ground of the therapy has to be a relationship. Not a protocol. Not "the project of getting better." Not "treating "your" depression." Not "reduction of anxiety symptoms." I know therapists are caught up with insurance where those have to be what the therapy is about.

I just hope that I can find a therapist who will lock in to a relationship with me where I can experience my habits of relating, explore the emotional field this creates between us, hear how the therapist is experiencing me, and share how I am experiencing them, and that somehow, through all our stabilization, CBT skills, DBT skills, ACT skills, and trauma processing we can tolerate each other, tolerate the process.

I really feel like what I need is to feel and be felt by another person in a situation where the only thing on the table is creating a healthy relationship focused on my learning. A situation where sex is off the table, work is off the table, performing is off the table, mutual gratification is off the table. It's just the relationship. What is happening right now? Where did I go? How come? What was I feeling? What were you feeling? What's your fantasy? What's my fantasy? What comes to mind for you? what comes to mind for me? You look tired. I feel like you're far away. What happened right before  you shifted your position? What are you thinking now?

It will require getting to know me, both of us knowing the story. And it will require both of us getting to know each other, I won't know much about the therapist but I will know their predictable ways of relating, I will come to know what they will say, do, their patterns. And they will come to know mine, and they'll know the why. From there, it seems like there could be a field mutually cocreated where something new could happen.

Maybe I'll always hide in the freezer. Maybe I'll always get a sleepy droopy eye when I feel hope, and forget what just happened. Maybe I'll always feel lightheaded when I try to "work" and maybe I'll always have days I spend in bed with "my" depression. But even if so, it would seem much more worth being All of Me if I had just an hour a week of a healthy relationship where things could slow way down, and the entire purpose was for me to learn, experience, what a healthy relationship is. Rupture and repair included. That's something transportable, I could bring that experience with me into the marriage, into the wildlife center, into the world among the people and the shopkeepers. It wouldn't just be "in" me. It would be a whole relational field, open for business.

May this experience happen soon and very soon, may this experience I am seeking come to me and all who so desire it, may I receive it with open arms, Yes and Yes.




 

[NarcKiddo]

Ew. Payback for all the mealworms heads I pinched off for the crow.

    Sorry. But...    

I'm glad this new therapist seems to be who you need right now. She sounds very promising. And it seems a good idea to keep the door open with the current one just in case. If the current one is a good and safe therapist she should be OK with that, I guess. There may even be a time when you feel you would like a bit more of an intellectual approach. Who knows? I kept two fitness instructors for a while. At the same time. Told the side hustle about the main one but not the other way round for quite some time. I guess it's better not to two-time therapists without telling them though! Not that that is what you are proposing anyway.

I hope All of You gets what you need.

 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo I love that we can laugh!!!!  Sense of humor is life. I love it. Thank you for cracking me up repeatedly over the last few days. 

Yes, I've been double dating, which is a big NONO---but all therapists have known I'm doing so. I've never done that before, but last therapist encouraged me to do it to find the right fit fast given what I am facing. "Fast"...it's taken several months, LOL. Because I had to give one of them 6-8 sessions, I stuck with the one while giving several others a session or two. The 6-8 session one seemed promising and was the best option, until I got to the one in the city, which took till now. But now, I have to choose, can't keep paying out of pocket. And the 6-8 session one, it just isn't taking off. And really I think I like the one in the city. I have a good feeling.  I hope it works out. hope hope hope hope. I feel like we could work together and she could help me face both the past, and the future.

[HannahOne]

     I rented a studio apartment in the city for one week in August.     

I'm gonna be a city girl!

For a week

       I am so excited.

I am sure it will also be triggering. The sounds, yelling. I will be scared of men. I will be scared of the sidewalks, cars, subway. Smells. It will be scary at times.

This is the last of the cash I got for my last gig. I will have to be more frugal in future. But if I don't go now, I won't be free again till next summer as kid really needs my presence and support during the school year grind to achieve their goals.
I will come home to support that kid here and there the week I'm away, too. Otherwise, Away with me! I go! HannahOne on the move!

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, fun. 

It's good to acknowledge that it might be scary at times so you are not taken by surprise if it is. But you might not be scared. You might be more intrepid than you think. I hope you get to do all sorts of fun things in the city and see whatever you want to see that you can't do at home.

Good for you.

[sanmagic7]

May this experience happen soon and very soon, may this experience I am seeking come to me and all who so desire it, may I receive it with open arms, Yes and Yes.

i'm wishing this for you as well.

it sounds to me, hannah1, that you need a therapist who is willing to go outside the box when it  comes to EMDR.  i know too many of them are stuck on the protocol, but i am also one who does not work well w/in those confines.  besides not always knowing how i feel (rending the answer to that question moot), i'm also often way off base or simply have no idea when it comes to rating SUDS or VOCS.  doesn't work for me, either.  my brain does not always work 'by the numbers'.  altho i feel a good fit w/ my new T, we haven't gotten to actual processing yet.

i do believe as well that the relationship in the office is of the utmost importance.  if that can be established to your comfort level, amazing things can happen.

to my mind, and what i was taught, the 'resistant' client is not that.  there's something going on w/ processing that the client cannot tolerate, and will then often put up defenses.  it's not on the client to fix this, but on the T to figure out another approach, whether it be backtracking, breaking the processing down into smaller pieces, going slower, helping the client figure out why they're 'stuck',etc.  for example, last session w/ my new T, i was talking about something that was bringing up anxiety, and she immediately stopped, said we'd come back to that later.  no blame or shame, simply altering direction.  i immediately calmed down and whatever i was talking about went away - not important anymore. that caused me to think 'she's got my back', which is new, different, and wonderful.

i also was struck by your use of the idea that what you're doing, i.e., being on the train, walking around, being among people is not an 'efficient use of time'.  you said you love the train - how can that be inefficient?  art galleries to explore, being with people, something you don't get a chance to do in the suburbs - again, well worth spending time there.  plus, you mentioned you might as well 'please yourself'[ - to my mind that's one of the best ways to spend time!  i'm so very glad you are having this opportunity.  sounds good for the heart and soul of you.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

NK, it's true, I m ay not be scared! Part of me is intrepid! Thank you!

SM7, it's true as well, being "efficient" is at odds with my current situation. First half of my life was a race to get out... now I got nothing to run from.

And yes, I need a therapist who won't push, otherwise my will WILL counter. I'm so glad you have a good T right now!

[HannahOne]

Stayed in bed. What the heck.

It's night, I just got up and ate, drank. So that's improvement at least, I didn't go 24 hours without.

the pattern is this is mostly happening on weekends. OR, when I'm supposed to go to "work" at wildlife and don't go.

Possible triggers:
Feeling I should/must "work," either because family is home so I "should" be "working" cleaning/cooking (even though the house is spotless and fridge full of meal prep!) or because it's wildlife work

That's it. All I can think of.

I want to work. And I don't want to work.

?

That "should" "work" seems to lead to a bunch of polarizations. These polarized parts result in the same behavior (staying in bed/not eating), even though there are opposite motives at work:

letting myself take off work, relax by staying bed VS punishing myself by staying in bed => stay in bed, don't get up

hiding and being invisible VS refusal is its own kind of visible statement => Stay in bed, don't reach out

wanting to be unconscious, wanting not to feel VS feeling deprived of activity/feeling and feeling strong => paralysis

punishing by not eating VS joyfully surviving not eating and feeling strong about it => not eating


So not eating and staying in bed is both some kind of pleasure and also some kind of pain. Sounds about right.

 When everyone is away all week I'm living my life mostly. On weekends when all are home, something gets triggered. I don't feel free to move around the house and don't feel safe, I want to hide, even though there is zero danger! It's some kind of EF. It's weird because I was never like this... But now I'm not the captain of a ship, not hauling littles to gardens or beach, now they make their own plans, they're adults. I'm in a smallish house with three other adults now. My role is not so clear, they don't need me, I don't want to be in their way, or get roped into washing their socks, and I just don't know what to do with myself I guess. And I don't want to be viewed, observed, judged, have demands made of me when I'm not in that mode or role.

So, avoidance. I don't want to have to help people wash their socks... I don't want to clean. Cook. I do the cleaning and cooking, just not when everyone is home.

I don't want to work all the time. And I don't know what to do if I am not working.

Not eating might be, "you don't work you don't eat." Maybe I'm overwhelmed by the work that could be done, and having needs to eat is even more overwhelming. I used to be super organized, have everything planned, to manage this stress. I'm just not regularly reliably motivated the last few years to manage my life like that, to plan everything, prepare like that. But without the plan, focus, prep, I can't seem to organize myself around what I need.

Not eating also feels like fear of having needs, fear of being dependent. Growing up, needing food was a trauma, there wasn't always food, or what there was was an apple, or dog kibble, or iceberg lettuce.

And the work to get the food was a trauma.

Part of me wants to get up on Saturday and do something fun, like go out to brunch. My partner invites me and I won't get up. Part of me wants to work together on a project for the house... do my workout. Go to the beach. But some other part of me wants to do nothing, be nothing, NOT get anything done, NOT make progress in my fitness. I'm playing dead.

Weird. I don't get me.

I want tomorrow to go differently. The only way I know to be sure of that is to get up and leave the house. So that's what I'll do to begin.

I am also going to fill out an hourly schedule not to stick to, just to visualize. I can use green for rest and orange for tasks and I'll create a rhythm and block out hours to do the things. I'm sure I'll resist and not follow it at all, but maybe a visual template that assures me that there is time to eat, plan, rest, work out, do nothing would somehow be helpful to All of Me who can't seem to get on the same page about what time it is and what it's time to do or not do.

Since I stayed in bed all day of course I'm not the least tired, and not eating makes me wired. It might be a long night
ah well. I will be crepuscular, like Frank.
 

[Hope67]

Hi HannahOne,
Whatever you do today - I hope that your day has some nice moments within it.  I hope you got through that long night okay.  Sending you a hug of support 

[HannahOne]

Hope67, thank you so much.

That's important, that the day have something nice.

I want to get to Yes. I want to get All of Me to get up and live, because the sun is up.

I'm thinking over the last year or so. I had a therapist for some of that time and we were working on getting to Yes.

but we did a lot of No, actually. I would get into these tangles, with other moms, with someone I hired to help me like my lawyer for my kid, or their doctor... and I had to say no.

"No, you're my child's psychiatrist so I can't be your ghost writer. I am sure your book is interesting, and I will refer you to someone I know."

"No, I can't do the carpool every morning. This is important to our kids so let's find a way to get the kids there where we all take turns. I can do any one day except Wednesday. Who can do Monday, Tuesday or Thursday?"

"No, I won't go to dinner with you. I enjoyed working together, but I want to leave things right here."

"No, I won't be making dinner every night. I know you are hungry and busy. No one eats the same meals, so if I cook all the meals for all four of us, I'm making more than 80 meals a week! I'll make each of you  a dinner Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with the foods you like to eat, and otherwise you'll need to prepare your meals or meal prep on the weekends."

It was a LOT of no. Over and over. Every week I would come in horrified that someone was crossing a boundary AGAIN, what is wrong with me!? Why do I attract creeps? Furious with other people and their demands, Why did no one treat me like a person?! What is wrong with me? Terrified to say no. And we would work on a script. The acknowledgement of their perspective. Then the emotional shrug.  Then the No, the statement of the boundary. "It's clear you really want to write this book. And, I don't have time to edit it given where you currently are on it." Said to a client who wanted to pay for editing while actually expecting ME to write the book. It went on and on...

And then I found the book Getting To Yes. And I got very interested in negotiating. In shared interest. In focusing on what we could agree on. so the relationship could continue in a direction I wanted. "We both want time together, and you dont' want to wake up early and I don't want to stay up late. Let's meet for lunch, I'll drive to you." "We both want a clean kitchen. Neither of us wants to clean up other people's mess. How about you clean up your dishes and I'll clean up mine?" "We both want the kids to get to camp every morning but neither of us can do all the driving. How about I bring my kid to your house on Wednesday so you have time to take them, and you bring your kid to my house Friday and I'll take them that day." "We both are sad this relationship is ending, it was so enjoyable to work together to get my kid what they needed. How about I send you an update email in a month?"

Being able to say No and Yes is what allowed me to get out of bed a year ago. Allowed me to get dressed. "No, I wont wear baggy sweatpants. We are all scared gf being visible and being attacked, And, you don't want to wear clothes that make you visible, while other part of me wants to wear clothes that express creativity and fun. How about if we wear men's pants, those express strength. And a red shirt, that expresses creativity? With loafers, those are easy to run in? And we can wear a lace sock. "  Allowed me to go out. "You're afraid to leave the house, while you want to go out. But we all want some energy. How about we go out for just an hour to the store we know well?"

Some part of me is saying NO. NO to being visible, NO to working. "working." whatever "working" is. At the moment, taking care of other people who could take care of themselves is "work." Having a boss is "work."

And yet staying in bed is pretty toxic the way I"m doing it. There's nothing wrong with resting or having a day in bed except it's unhealthy the way I'm doing it and no part of me is actually happy, I don't WANT to stay in bed, it's more what I DONT want to do.

If I could let myself f"not work." Not be "efficient." as San Magic 7 pointed out that sneaky part that snuck in and complained LOL. Not "try," I think trying is a problem for this part because the subtext is "trying to be someone to whom it didn't happen." "Do what normal people do." Do what I would do if I wasn't me right now." "Do what I imagine I should do if I were worthy of love." "Do what I admire in other people."

I have to let myself say No to all of that.

Then maybe I will be able to say Yes to getting out of bed. Yes to eating.

I'm already out of bed! I'm about to take a shower and go out to brunch. I've been invited. It's not work. Not trying. Not what I should do.

Well, there's a little should and I'm foot dragging a little.

There's the "I should have a happy marriage. What would that look like?" and then the doing of that, and the refusal to do it. There's "Normal people do things like go out to brunch." "You should eat." "If you're not eating, you're crazy." and I don't want to be crazy....

And, I could choose to go for brunch for reasons that are not those. Like "what else do I have to do?" nothin." "I'm hungry." or "I was invited by a nice man. I know him pretty well, and I think I can mostly trust him not to ax murder me. He's a decent looking man, too. Who lives in my house. There's a man in my house and he invited me to brunch." Haha.

When I want to do something but don't, I think this is the tangle. I may have reasons I Want to but then this other part comes in with charts and graphs about how it will "work" and achieve my goal of seeming "normal" "happy" etc. And then other parts of me are like, "* that * !!!!!!!"  LOL.

So I have to say no to this concerned part. "Little friend. How adorable. You want me to be happy. That's such a good goal. You want me to work, to try, to be normal. Those are all important and you helped me so much. Look around. It looks pretty normal, no? And, I actually am reasonably happy, as happy as one can get in this life. I worked a lot and tried hard. Trying hard to go to brunch isn't really necessary. Thank you though."

"I don't have to work really hard to eat. It's easy. Watch me!"

"Thank you so much for wanting me to work hard and get somewhere. Please notice, I am, in fact, somewhere. I'm not where I grew up. At the moment I don't need to work too hard. I just have to sweep this floor, and it's pretty easy. I'm going to put music on to make it fun. It's ok to have fun with it."

The parts of me that are opposed to this efficient, very hard working, very demanding strict part are really strong now. Which is great! And, they are keeping me in bed to prevent me from "working" in any way.

I can't really work with them. So I;'ll try working with the part that is efficient and hard working and see if I can get it to do something else. Like, "Would you please record how hard it actually is to sweep the floor, and make a note of it?" or maybe "Please listen to the music really really hard and try hard to not miss a note."

The parts that are opposed to working are probably really good buddies because over the last ten years I made myself very ill several times by overworking, not eating, and being pretty high strung. LOL. And they stopped me. Finally, they threw me into bed for a few years and wouldn't let me get up.

Eventually I will have to work with them. But for now, if I work with the "work your butt off" part, the other parts might chillax. Right now it's, "I should have already left for brunch I'm wasting time!!!!" "Listen buddy, I know it feels like wasting time to write down my thoughts and check in with myself. And, it's actually important. For example, I'm hearing you right now, and you're right, I don't want to spend all day processing, I want to go out in my clothes with the man who lives in my house and have food. So I'll get going now. Thanks for the heads up. But I'm not going to "be efficient" at eating brunch because if you're in charge I'll be anxious waiting to be seated, want to leave, not want to be visible to patrons, hork down my food, etc. So please lean back and watch me get ready to go. That's what it's time to do now, and it'll be fun to pick out clothes. I'm going to take my time to find the feeling I like. What will I wear to go out with the man who lives in my house? He's an interesting man and I want to give him something to look at!"

HannahOne, 

 

[HannahOne]

Peak negotiation reached.

Couldn't get dressed to go.

That's a clue. I don't wanna.

The restaurant feels too much like a date. And we're gonna have to talk. And then worker bee is going to come online and start listing things that need to be done on the house. And then HannahOne is going to want to leave. It's too much pressure. And all the people with their eyes. Too much visibility. Stuck in the chair until the food comes. Etc etc.

I've been wanting to go to the beach all summer.

"I want to spend time with you, too. And I'm hungry. But (emotional shrug) going out to eat doesn't appeal to me today. I feel like going to the beach. I know you're hungry. Would you like to go to the beach and get food on the way?"

Dressed for beach in two seconds flat and out the door.
We are driving to the beach and getting food on the way.
Happy.