Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Made both kids a Valentine bag, even though one's 18 and off to her boyfriend's for the weekend. Want them to have love no matter what. Felt flat all day and did nothing else. Laid in bed and looked at the wall. Didn't put on clothes. All the clothes look like someone else's closet. Maybe some emotional flashback, maybe some depersonalization going on. Can't imagine ever wanting clothes, putting on any of those clothes, whose clothes are those. Stuff on the floor looks foreign, who ever wanted a suitcase full of wool and sporks? Zero interest in painting. Responded to zero texts, screen a column of green circles. Hand looks far away, why is arm so long? To do list is undone. Who wanted to make appointments, resolve X issue with IEP team, and send a thank you note? Whatever. No appetite. Partner brought dinner home for kids. Half-heartedly pet Frank, who ever wanted a rabbit? Asked kid to feed and water said Frank, went back to bed. Writing to keep faith with process. Tomorrow another day. Sometimes it's like this. Sometimes this is what it's like. Made both kids a Valentine's bag. Wanted them to know they are loved.