the next step

[HannahOne]

There is definitely a rhythm to caretaking! Glad you can rest now and that she is on the mend.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1.  we decided to put red highlights in our hair this morning, which was fun, but i'm getting myself together now to go to the drugstore and get more medicine.  she ran out of the stuff that works for her.  so, can't really rest today, but at least i'm clean! 

and the beat goes on.  been eating a ton of sweets to get thru this bout of illness, cooked sloppy joe so we could just heat and eat, and now there's a barrel of dishes waiting for me.  so, not a lot of rest yet.  but i feel better today.  my meds are helping, too. 

[sanmagic7]

lovin' my hair - such fun!  so girly, too, which is what i'm going for right now.  the last man i was with, i asked him if he thought i was feminine.  he said, 'well, you're no princess'.  it's been a long time since i've had makeup on, futzed w/ my hair, painted my nails.  too sick, too beat, too worn out, near death at times - so much drainage on my will and stamina that i couldn't get around to who i was anymore.  i guess i'm reclaiming her.  and for you youngsters out there, let me say, it's never too late!

o my heart!  i just heard the first robin of the year!  haven't seen one yet, which is always a big deal, kind of like the first snowfall of the winter.  but the first robin brings tidings of spring and it's such a glorious song it sings.  i'm smiling so big right now, can't wait to tell my D when she wakes up.

therapy today.  let's see how this new adventure goes. 

[Armee]

 

Joyoushugs filled with red Robin songs for the red Robin princess on her way to therapy to get loving kind support. 

[NarcKiddo]

Yay for the robin and the red highlights. I'm glad you're showing your inner princess to the world again. 

[SenseOrgan]

Go for it San! 
Nearly every time I'm working in the woods a robin visits. I like em a lot. They're such inquisitive and undaunted creatures. 

[HannahOne]

Love it for the hair!       And yes, it is NEVER too late! We only get more marvelous as we age!

I love robins, such a lovely bird. We have one huddling by our front porch as it creates a corner. He's all puffed up with the cold and sheltering there most mornings. A special friend. He was expecting warmer times here already! Spring is coming.

[sanmagic7]

i just need to put this here first, been thinking about it for hours already, have been grieving, feeling shame - rather new for me, and i don't like it, don't like to admit it - but my T asked how i was w/ my children, told her that i held both babies on my hip all the time till they were 2, she mentioned, ok, that's physical attachment, and i admitted, cuz it just came out, that i never felt joy for having my babies, never felt that rubbing of my big belly that i see women do all the time, never felt love for my babies (once, when in mex., my hub and i had a cat, and it was sitting in my lap, purring as i was petting it, and it came into my mind that i felt love for that cat, and then right afterward the realization that i never felt that same love for my babies.  i was so confused.  i told her that i loved my children fiercely, would kill for them, but did not feel the love, the joy, so i guess i had no real attachment for them, either, altho my D1 once told me that that was the safest she ever felt was when i was holding her on my lap.

and i cried tonite, grieved my lack of feelings.  my babies were my responsibility, were a chore for me, and i saw the look in my T's eye, that meant something when i said that, but i don't know what, and we ran out of time, so i don't know.  but tonite i was so upset about admitting all that and i began crying and crying that i didn't have the capacity to love my babies, and what a shame that was, and i feel ashamed even tho i know in my head that i just didn't have it in me, but still . .  .what a frickin' shame it all was.  not to be able feel love for one's own children when they were what i lived for?  how does that make sense?  i don't know, am just typing as fast as i can to get this out here, get this down, i weep for myself, for the deprivation my babies experienced because of me.  and i'm crying agin just thinking about it when i've been writing about my own deprivation all week and here i did it to my own.  please, god, i wish i could've given them what i didn't get, but maybe that's why, cuz i didn't get that feeling from my folks, how could i pas it along?  how awfu for them, i know they must've felt it, i know D1 felt it for sure, and there's nothing i can do now except grieve and grieve and cry my eyes out for what i couldn't do, what i didn't do and i'm so very sorry

[Armee]

 

  San

I think it is beautiful that you were able to open up to your new T about such a sensitive, delicate topic. I hope you can keep letting these out in her company. You've been on your own without help for too long.   

I have some theories on the question of love but I'll save them for another time. If you are up to it I'll leave for you a gentle hug full of love and care and respect, mom to mom. 

[TheBigBlue]

SAN, I'm really glad you shared this. I hear so much grief here - not coldness, not indifference, but deep mourning for what you wish you could have felt and given. That kind of grief usually only comes from caring as much as you did.

One thing that stands out to me is how much you did show up in your body - holding them, keeping them close, being their safety. Even if joy or warmth wasn't accessible inside you then, presence and protection were. Your D1's memory of feeling safest with you says something real about that.

I'm not an expert, but to me it sounds like back then, you were working with what was available to you - not with what you deserved to have, but with what you had. That doesn't erase the sadness of what was missing, but it does change the meaning from failure to loss.

I hear the paradox you described with the cat, too. If it resonates at all, one gentle possibility is that loving the cat didn't carry the same weight of responsibility or vigilance - it was a moment that didn't ask anything of you. Being with your children, on the other hand, sounds like it happened in a landscape of responsibility and protection. That difference alone can change what feelings are accessible, without saying anything about the depth of your love.

I hear your heavy heart for your children and for yourself at the same time. That's a heavy place to be. I'm glad you let yourself cry tonight, and didn't hold this alone. 💛