the next step

[SenseOrgan]

So sorry San! Sending you a big hug from Holland. 

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, just wanted to send you another big hug, in case you're not feeling so well. I'm thinking of you. I hope you can take it easy. Best wishes too.

 

[sanmagic7]

DF, your hugs and caring are so meaningful to me.  thank you from my heart.

SO, i appreciate that big hug from holland.  i can see it clearly surrounded by tulips, which may sound cliche, but i love flowers so much and their link to holland is embedded in my brain.  thank you.

started feeling a little better today.  have no nothings for the new year.  just trying to get from one day to the next w/o losing my mind. 

[SenseOrgan]

[sanmagic7]

SO, that may be so cliche, but honestly, it nearly took my breath away at the same time putting a smile into my heart.  thank you so much for that.  i know i won't forget it.  it's really special.

talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating.  maybe i need to get mad at them.  or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.

anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that.  i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own!  so that sent me flying away from that even further.  also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways.  i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'.  i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.

anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen.  but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing.  i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard.  i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy.  we'll see.

[Desert Flower]

to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard.  i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list

I think it's very good to just hold those two things in mind and just see how the rest evolves.
If there's any time to start thinking about 'parts' it would be whenever you are ready, no sooner than that, if ever.

I totally understand you would not be able to sleep before an apointment like this. Wishing you lots of good luck in a few hours, I'll be thinking of you.

Love and hugs 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say.  you are part of my strength.

[SenseOrgan]

 
Yeah, always scary to meet a new therapist. I have a hunch you are very co-regulatable though, and the nerves can dissipate quickly. Good to see you have your priorities straight with regards to therapy. A therapist who does a lot of IFS is highly likely to be attuned. I don't expect them to push you into IFS stuff unless you feel you're up for that. It's you're call. If and when. I'm happy that you've found a new therapist. Good luck [you don't have to perform]. 

[TheBigBlue]

San, I've been thinking of you today and really hope the appointment with the new T went as gently as possible.
Given what you shared, it makes so much sense that safety, stability, and being truly heard are the most important things right now. Any trauma-informed therapist should understand that co-regulation, attunement, and careful listening come before doing anything else.
You deserve care that meets you where you are, without pushing or rushing any parts (named or unnamed). I hope today brought even a small sense of steadiness.

[sanmagic7]

So, thank you so for your words of encouragement.   

thebigblue, thank you for being on my side. 

to both of you, you'd think she'd be attuned - she says she's a trauma therapist (altho i've run into that before). i told her beforehand that i was terrified of the whole IFS situation, that i'd been seeing my former T 2x/week cuz i was in crisis for 5 yrs., that i'd asked that T about IFS, she didn't go anywhere w/ it w/ me, and i told this T i thought it was because she didn't think i could manage it.  also about my alexithymia, couldn't feel my emotions, and when i looked up IFS it talked about how do i feel toward a part, how did the part feel about me, and since i didn't even feel my own feelings, that was too much.

yet she insisted on poking at it w/ the gray lady, who i said i didn't hate, but that i was embarrassed more by the fact that i couldn't handle situations on my own.  she went on about how the parts are there to protect us, blah blah  and i know all that, explained i'd been very floaty much of my life, didn't feel like i had other parts, just air/wind.

and after it was all done, we made a date for next week, and i got up from my chair and i could barely move my legs.  this was at 3, it wasn't till nearly 9 that i figured it all out. (i'd also told her i have a lot of psychosomatic stuff going on cuz of the alexithymia).  i've been dragging around the house for nearly 6 hrs., barely able to walk, and i finally sat down and thought about this whole thing.  i discovered a bit ago that when my legs go it means anger.  i don't feel it most of the time, and when i don't, my legs stop working instead.  so, ok, i'm angry, but about what?  had to think about that for a while also, and it came to me finally that it was cuz she didn't frickin' listen to what i'd been saying about the IFS situation, she went there anyway, kept poking at it, coming back to it, talking about it/the gray lady, had me talk about her - but it was at least half the session focused on that.

so, i'm pissed!   and when i finally figured it all out, having to go backwards from my legs to my brain, they are now working quite well again.  it feels miraculous, but it's what i've been saying and experiencing for so long now, and she wouldn't frickin' listen!!!!    and i end up feeling crummy cuz i can barely walk because she wouldn't go slow, but kinda jumped right in!!!!

i think i'll see her next week and give her a piece of my mind, let her know she didn't listen to me, tell her what happened because of it, and see how she responds.  this may be a make it or break it moment right off the bat, and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions, i'd love to hear them.  i'm so mad right now i can barely see or think straight!!!     thanks.  i knew you all would be with me - i'm sure that's how i figured this out in a relatively short time, altho it felt long to me.  i was so upset i had a cigarette, and it felt right.  and i'm not too happy about that, either.

[TheBigBlue]

San, I'm so sorry you went through this. And at the same time, I'm really glad you noticed what was happening and trusted yourself enough to follow it through, even though it took time to make sense of it. That matters.
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.

I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.

As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.

I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.

"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."

San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending