the next step

[SenseOrgan]

So sorry San! Sending you a big hug from Holland. 

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, just wanted to send you another big hug, in case you're not feeling so well. I'm thinking of you. I hope you can take it easy. Best wishes too.

 

[sanmagic7]

DF, your hugs and caring are so meaningful to me.  thank you from my heart.

SO, i appreciate that big hug from holland.  i can see it clearly surrounded by tulips, which may sound cliche, but i love flowers so much and their link to holland is embedded in my brain.  thank you.

started feeling a little better today.  have no nothings for the new year.  just trying to get from one day to the next w/o losing my mind. 

[SenseOrgan]

[sanmagic7]

SO, that may be so cliche, but honestly, it nearly took my breath away at the same time putting a smile into my heart.  thank you so much for that.  i know i won't forget it.  it's really special.

talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating.  maybe i need to get mad at them.  or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.

anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that.  i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own!  so that sent me flying away from that even further.  also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways.  i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'.  i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.

anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen.  but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing.  i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard.  i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy.  we'll see.

[Desert Flower]

to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard.  i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list

I think it's very good to just hold those two things in mind and just see how the rest evolves.
If there's any time to start thinking about 'parts' it would be whenever you are ready, no sooner than that, if ever.

I totally understand you would not be able to sleep before an apointment like this. Wishing you lots of good luck in a few hours, I'll be thinking of you.

Love and hugs 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say.  you are part of my strength.

[SenseOrgan]

 
Yeah, always scary to meet a new therapist. I have a hunch you are very co-regulatable though, and the nerves can dissipate quickly. Good to see you have your priorities straight with regards to therapy. A therapist who does a lot of IFS is highly likely to be attuned. I don't expect them to push you into IFS stuff unless you feel you're up for that. It's you're call. If and when. I'm happy that you've found a new therapist. Good luck [you don't have to perform]. 

[TheBigBlue]

San, I've been thinking of you today and really hope the appointment with the new T went as gently as possible.
Given what you shared, it makes so much sense that safety, stability, and being truly heard are the most important things right now. Any trauma-informed therapist should understand that co-regulation, attunement, and careful listening come before doing anything else.
You deserve care that meets you where you are, without pushing or rushing any parts (named or unnamed). I hope today brought even a small sense of steadiness.