the next step

[sanmagic7]

i'm in a new mind place again, which marks the next step for me.  i have a doc now, one, which i haven't had in i can't even tell how long.  maybe not since i was a kid.  for some reason my memory of doctors in my past has been being shoveled from one to another.  even the ones i thought were going to be the ones to take care of me - 2 that i remember, one for childbirth, one for general - both were called away at a crucial time in my medical history, and i had strangers, once again, doing whatever procedure was important at that moment.

so, i never felt like i could say 'my doctor said or did this or that', or had one who knew me and my history.  and in mexico, unless you paid out of pocket, which i couldn't do, the health service was a series of revolving doctors in training (they were sent to our small town to do their internship, so to speak, but it wasn't supervised, nothing like what we have here in the states, they spent a year in our town, then would move on to the big city).  so, health care there was spotty at best.  i mean, the cancer which continued to crawl across my head for over 15 yrs was diagnosed alternately as eczema or psoriasis.  it wasn't till i got back to the states that a doc took one look and gasped in astonishment, too biopsies on the spot.  turns out it was 2 types of cancers, and he saved my life, literally.

at any rate, i'm now here, planning to stay here, and have an established doctor for the first time in a very long time.  it's a new feeling, kinda good, actually, settled, strong, reliable.  that's nice.

and another next step is getting a new T, which i'm in the process of doing.  that will feel nice, too, especially if i can find one i work well with.  we'll see.  so, step by step . . .

[NarcKiddo]

    

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all the hugs and cheers, NK, but unfortunately all the good feelings didn't last very long and i'm in a very bad place tonite, crying, afraid, worried, anxious.  talked to a potential T today, he sounded gentle but he loved putting labels on everything i told him, and i hate those kinds of labels, don't care about them, just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore. 

[SenseOrgan]

Hi San,

I'm so sorry you encountered this party crash T. The type is a complete deal breaker for me. So I understand it's a kick in the teeth to hope you've found a match, and him turning out to be a labeling machine. That modus operandi is of a dying paradigm. You're a human being, not a collection of labels. That's how you deserve to be treated. Especially by a T. Off course you deserve help from someone who's not going to hurt you! They are out there. I hope you can tap into your previous vibe again soon. The established doctor is still there as a solid pillar for that. Love and hugs 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry the potential T did not turn out to be a good fit. I hope you soon find another. 

[Marcine]

San,

"just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore."

Absolutely. Natural. You deserve this. 

[sanmagic7]

SO, thank you for all you said.  you helped normalize my feelings for me.  labeling machine.  yes.  he also threw in 'avoidant attachment', which when i looked it up, had nothing to do w/ me. or my parents.  so, all this stress, and now, hopefully, i can calm down today.  thank you so much.

thank you, NK.  i hope so, too.

Marcine, i so appreciate that you wrote that.  thank you very much.

i could not settle at all last nite, couldn't get to sleep till sometime around 3 or 4.  i can't believe how much this disturbed me.  it was just weird that he kept trying to guess at and label what i was talking about.  i really appreciate what everyone said, cuz this obviously hurt me, and i only spoke w/ him about 20 min.  hmmm . . . i didn't think about that before, but, yes, feeling so agitated, disrupted inside, unable to settle are things that are not good for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate you bringing this forward for me.  i didn't quite get it, but you all helped fill it in for me.  thank you again.

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, I'm sorry about the labeling machine and how it upset you, I can surely relate.
I do like how you named this thread "the next step". You writing about the 'labeling machine' here and others commenting are next step already taken. This is how we keep going and learning. Keep taking steps. Lots of love.
 

[Chart]

Hey San, yeah, a broken photocopy machine of a therapist would bring anybody down. But that being said, please take your time. Hope is important, but we all know the reality: good, honest, informed and balanced trauma therapists are definitely not in the majority. I totally believe you deserve the very best, but sadly, the very best is hard to find, so please hang tough and know that your search might take some time. Keep looking and keep positive, but most important, be patient (as best as you can).
Sending love, support and hugs through this process.
 

[sanmagic7]

DF, yep, i will continue to take next steps.  for some reason, i can't not.  my spirit won't allow it.  sorry, tho, that you could relate to getting so upset.  that sucks, but thank you for your support. 

hey, chart, i think i'm just so on the edge right now that the prospect of getting therapeutic help may be blinding my good sense.  or stirring up my anxiety greatly.  or both.  but thank you for your kindness and care.  much appreciated.

my D is helping me find a T on a different site, and this morning she showed me 2 possibilities, one of which emphasized mindfulness, and my anxiety kicked in full bore at the idea of asking her to call me, do an evaluation.  my chest got tight, my hands began wringing, i stiffened up.  my D noticed it all and reassured me she would make contact, set up a phone call for me.

i think when i had my mini-breakdown the other week, told her about never having anyone help me, having to figure it all out by myself, that she decided she wanted to help me w/ this.  which was a little strange to me, cuz just a few days before she told me she wanted to help but was so stressed out herself she just didn't have anything else to give out. at any rate, she's showing me in real time that she's got my back, which is weird.  feels weird. 

and there's a little voice in the back of my head from when she once told me that she wouldn't be able to take care of me if i needed that certain level of care-giving, and she'd put me in a home and would visit every week.  and i think that reminds me of when my F told me that if i got pregnant by my boyfriend, he'd send me away to another city in this state that had a home for girls 'in trouble'.  at that time, i asked a friend's mom a few weeks later if i could stay w/ their family if that happened, and she immediately said of course.  (the kicker of this is that when my S and i were older, and i told her this story, she said he told her the exact opposite, that if she got pregnant, not to worry, the family would be there for her.)

so, people wanting to get rid of me if i'm too problematic is a theme both past and future.  thinking about that, is it any wonder i can't let go, can't take the time to just be, must keep moving ahead, stay productive?  not get in anyone's way, not be a burden, worry about my body breaking down, hospitals, surgeries, all that jazz, not only financially but what it might mean for my future way of life? on my own again is what it feels like.