the next step

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, for the cheers.  and i love your word 'clunky' for what i'm feeling.  yep, clunky it is. 

along w/ the receiving thing, i'm now also in transition about inner/younger me's.  i've had people here telling me about this for ages, never felt it, but that book passage seems to have opened that dam and i'm beginning to giver the whole idea of 'parts', if that's what i want to call it?  little me's might be better.  so i've designated one of my 2 stuffed animals to be a surrogate little me, cuddled with it while i slept - i can't remember ever being cuddled by my mom - and i slept well. 

i don't have any pictures in my head of little me's, altho i do have some from photos, and i loved my joy, spunkiness, and spirit that shown thru on those photos.  my spirit never left me, thank everything good about that, but joy has been absent for a very long time, along w/ even its dimmer cousin, happiness. spunkiness is still around, tho, which i can enjoy.  my smile is still intact.  i can just feel life emanating from me in those photos, and that's not always there now. 

so, i'm beginning this path and we'll see where it leads.  i'm just doing it cuz it seems like the right thing to do at this point.  the past week i've been very out of sorts, and i could feel myself thinking in ways that were quite young, younger than teenage, so i guess it's showing itself to me.  i guess it's time.

[Marcine]

San, while reading your words today the image I have is of you as a cave diver, those scuba divers who explore caves filled with water. They have to be well prepared and equipped, often tying a string at the entrance and peeling it out behind them in the twisty, dark caverns and through squeeze tunnels in order to find their way back to the surface again without maps.

San, on your journey I see you come up for air then dive back under again to explore your past.

Keep taking good care as you explore these new worlds, treasuring insights.

[NarcKiddo]

As I am sure you know, San, the clunky, uncomfortable feelings are the very ones we need to sit with. So well done for acknowledging the feeling is there and sitting with it.

I like that you are using one of your stuffed animals to represent the Little San(s) while you process the possibility they are there. It's a weird concept, and I guess it doesn't apply to everyone, but the fact you are noticing more childlike feelings and behaviours could well be a sign that the Little San(s) trust you enough to show themselves a little. I hope you find your exploration fruitful and helpful.

 

[zen_racer]

SanMagic, I don't know enough about this subject, but this all sounds like progress.  I know text can be ambiguous, and I haven't been around long enough to really know you, but it seems like there might be a touch of excitement in this new journey for you.  Considering my own reaction when I pictured a little me, I'm a little envious.

I may not be so good at receiving love yet, but I'm sending it along with a hug. 

[sanmagic7]

marcine, what an imaginative way of looking at this!  i think you and others here are the string i keep tightly held so as to find my way back.  thank you for this image. 

NK, reading what you wrote brought to mind 2 things - either little me's have been fried by neglect or frozen by fear - or maybe a combo of both.  there have been enough people enough times here who have mentioned this 'parts' concept that i absolutely couldn't see for myself, but, yes, maybe some of the fear is gone, maybe some thawing is happening.  maybe both.  it's daunting to me, tho, even as i go along w/ it.  thank you for this 'push' and others. marcine's string comes to mind.

thank you ZR for your care and support.  i believe it's progress as well.  i'm not sure about the excitement part - as i said, it feels daunting right now cuz it's very new.  so, i'm stepping slowly, small steps.

so, i was petting my 'me' animal, and the tears threatened.  before that, yesterday, i was feeling foolish about doing this.  i was ready to put it aside.  but when i got into bed last nite, i shifted somehow and saw this cuteness in its face and it was my cuteness as a little girl, and i told her all i'd needed to hear, touched and petted and cuddled, and it felt soothing.  and i slept well again last nite.