the next step

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, for the cheers.  and i love your word 'clunky' for what i'm feeling.  yep, clunky it is. 

along w/ the receiving thing, i'm now also in transition about inner/younger me's.  i've had people here telling me about this for ages, never felt it, but that book passage seems to have opened that dam and i'm beginning to giver the whole idea of 'parts', if that's what i want to call it?  little me's might be better.  so i've designated one of my 2 stuffed animals to be a surrogate little me, cuddled with it while i slept - i can't remember ever being cuddled by my mom - and i slept well. 

i don't have any pictures in my head of little me's, altho i do have some from photos, and i loved my joy, spunkiness, and spirit that shown thru on those photos.  my spirit never left me, thank everything good about that, but joy has been absent for a very long time, along w/ even its dimmer cousin, happiness. spunkiness is still around, tho, which i can enjoy.  my smile is still intact.  i can just feel life emanating from me in those photos, and that's not always there now. 

so, i'm beginning this path and we'll see where it leads.  i'm just doing it cuz it seems like the right thing to do at this point.  the past week i've been very out of sorts, and i could feel myself thinking in ways that were quite young, younger than teenage, so i guess it's showing itself to me.  i guess it's time.

[Marcine]

San, while reading your words today the image I have is of you as a cave diver, those scuba divers who explore caves filled with water. They have to be well prepared and equipped, often tying a string at the entrance and peeling it out behind them in the twisty, dark caverns and through squeeze tunnels in order to find their way back to the surface again without maps.

San, on your journey I see you come up for air then dive back under again to explore your past.

Keep taking good care as you explore these new worlds, treasuring insights.

[NarcKiddo]

As I am sure you know, San, the clunky, uncomfortable feelings are the very ones we need to sit with. So well done for acknowledging the feeling is there and sitting with it.

I like that you are using one of your stuffed animals to represent the Little San(s) while you process the possibility they are there. It's a weird concept, and I guess it doesn't apply to everyone, but the fact you are noticing more childlike feelings and behaviours could well be a sign that the Little San(s) trust you enough to show themselves a little. I hope you find your exploration fruitful and helpful.

 

[zen_racer]

SanMagic, I don't know enough about this subject, but this all sounds like progress.  I know text can be ambiguous, and I haven't been around long enough to really know you, but it seems like there might be a touch of excitement in this new journey for you.  Considering my own reaction when I pictured a little me, I'm a little envious.

I may not be so good at receiving love yet, but I'm sending it along with a hug. 

[sanmagic7]

marcine, what an imaginative way of looking at this!  i think you and others here are the string i keep tightly held so as to find my way back.  thank you for this image. 

NK, reading what you wrote brought to mind 2 things - either little me's have been fried by neglect or frozen by fear - or maybe a combo of both.  there have been enough people enough times here who have mentioned this 'parts' concept that i absolutely couldn't see for myself, but, yes, maybe some of the fear is gone, maybe some thawing is happening.  maybe both.  it's daunting to me, tho, even as i go along w/ it.  thank you for this 'push' and others. marcine's string comes to mind.

thank you ZR for your care and support.  i believe it's progress as well.  i'm not sure about the excitement part - as i said, it feels daunting right now cuz it's very new.  so, i'm stepping slowly, small steps.

so, i was petting my 'me' animal, and the tears threatened.  before that, yesterday, i was feeling foolish about doing this.  i was ready to put it aside.  but when i got into bed last nite, i shifted somehow and saw this cuteness in its face and it was my cuteness as a little girl, and i told her all i'd needed to hear, touched and petted and cuddled, and it felt soothing.  and i slept well again last nite.

[HannahOne]

Hooray for sleeping well!

I have a stuffed black bear, about 6 feet tall. It's a protective figure. When I did EMDR many years ago, my only safe place was Jupiter. It took months to create a safe place and the black bear was part of that. So in my experience it can be helpful to externalize like this sometimes, to make the inner outer, to materialize some of our ideas. It's kind of like Gestalt chair therapy, you can relate to some things more easily when they are not just defused from you but also externalized. So, when I read about your stuffed animals I thought, hooray for stuffed animals! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, for the cheers.  i'm only just beginning to learn the value of stuffed animals - never had any when i was a kid.  the one doll i had, my mom tossed it w/o telling me, (i learned this much later in life - finally got up the nerve to ask) and it had been my helper for falling asleep.  then, one night she was gone. i'd already learned not to ask questions, so i made up a story about why she wasn't there.  it was the first of many stories i made up to make my life livable.  how these kinds of things reach far into our beings, both inner and outer. 

i'm still nurturing my little me armadillo, sleeping w/ it/her all cuddled up, and i'm sleeping well.  this whole concept scares me still, but now i see it as these little me's have been non-existent, unavailable to big me for a reason.  i can't even imagine how much pain i'm going to be feeling, how much hurt, how much humiliation, how much sadness, whatever else might be in there.  those feelings/emotions have been locked down for so long, causing me to be floaty much of my life.  so, yeah, feels like a daunting task ahead.  it scares me, and that just came up, and i hate admitting it, but there it is. 

it's scared me all along, which is why when people here talked to me about 'parts', or IC, in my mind i ran away.  it felt so threatening.  it threatens to open up something i've learned to keep closed and hidden probably since preverbal times.  i am so scared right now, close to tears.

[NarcKiddo]

Oh! It's an armadillo! That is just so cute. Mine's a wombat. 

[Marcine]

San, reading how your mother tossed away your doll without talking with you about it, "it had been my helper for falling asleep.  then, one night she was gone."

That breaks my heart. It's so true that "these kinds of things reach far into our beings, both inner and outer."

I wasn't allowed to have dolls or stuffed animals. So for me, it was my blankie— a blue polyester square that helped me sleep. I never carried it around anywhere, just bed. And it was gone one day, I was around 3 years old then. My parents said, "the squirrels needed it for their nest."..... ..  ..  ..   

I knew they were lying. I was terrified that this was what I was dealing with.

And San, I very much relate with your reactions to inner child work. I feel quite the same as the words you wrote. I try to not shut down when it comes up, like now, and staying open even a bit is something I consider progress.

I am taking a deep breath and an idea of our little us (plural form= us-es?) together playing on the grass somewhere on a sunny day in the shade of a big tree. Dollies? Picnic? Story books? Stuffed animals? Comfy blankets?

Definitely peace and smiles and joy.

[TheBigBlue]

In addition to a "Healing Porch", maybe we also need a "Healing Playground for our little us-es".

A big shady tree. Soft green grass. Dolls, stuffed animals, storybooks, picnic blankets, and all the things that helped us feel safe. My little red watering can is there too - the one I accidentally dropped out of the car window when I was three. Somehow it found its way back.

Nobody takes away the doll. Nobody takes away the blanket. Nobody tells us we're too sensitive or that we're too much.

Just sunshine, laughter, curiosity, and little us-es playing together, and everyone gets to stay. Definitely peace, smiles, and joy. 💛

[zen_racer]

San, I'm sorry you had your doll taken away.  I resonate with having someone take away things that were important to me.  It's an awful thing to go through. I'm not entirely certain I'm comfortable with the idea of little me's either.  I kind of like that my therapist wants me to write a letter (not to send at all) to my abusers about what that younger version wanted and needed and deserved back then.  I think it lets me ease into the idea by getting familiar with it, but as a writing exercise.

I'm also familiar with the fear of what I might uncover by digging deeper.  I'm sorry you're so scared.  You're not alone though.  I'm sending my love and hugs. 

[HannahOne]

Taking away the doll hit a nerve for all of us. And All of Me. I had a bottle until I was three, probably because my mother was too lazy to pour or clean up from a cup and too lazy to make me food. One day she told me I didn't need it anymore and to throw it away. So I threw it in the trash. A few hours later I was hungry and asked for my bottle. She said, "you threw it away, remember?" And then, yeah, I knew what I was dealing with.

Take it slow, SanMagic7. The fear of coming to know parts is also a part of you. It's a protective part. Listen to it, get to know it. It's protecting other parts. One step at a time. Start with the part that's right here---fear. And don't go any further until fear feels safe enough to lean back just a little and let you see more. You can trust the fear part. It just needs to come to trust you. And that takes time.

[sanmagic7]

marcine, thank you so for your empathy and caring.  very sorry about your blankie being taken away and the lie that went after it.  that sucks. i love the idea of little us'es playing together, but i just can't raise that picture yet.  too overwhelming. 

TBB, what a wonderful idea!  a healing playground can be near the healing porch, too, along w/ the cabin on the lake, and gardens, and the adult treehouse, and be a place where the little us'es can learn and grow and play and have caring adults around to teach, show, nurture, and love them.  i love it!  and, if i may say so, it can already be there, and if anyone is working with their IC, they're welcome to access it.   

thank you, ZR.  i hope you have a relatively easy time w/ how you're going about this.  i appreciate your caring.

hannah1, thanks for the wisdom.  this is all so new-feeling to me, cuz i've lived most of my life w/o the feeling of fear, so the idea of just getting used to it being here is knocking me sideways.  i have no idea what it might be like to trust it.   

i am realizing that these little me's have been wrapped up so tightly that they haven't been able to show themselves one little bit until now.  no, i take that back.  i have done some inner child work, especially reaching out to a child me to help her get to her goal, but she was already 6 or 7.  these little me's that i briefly saw were like 1000's of babies head all pleading, begging, not to go into this.  neither they nor i know if there is any trust, or what might happen to them if they are exposed. 

the thought came to me that some of these might actually be emotions and feelings that i never felt.  i've begun to feel some things, but fear is still new, and i'm not comfortable with it at all.  especially w/ all the responsibility of taking care of little me's.  it feels too big, too much, and that i'm incapable of doing what's needed to keep them safe.  the entire prospect is daunting and horrible to think about. especially my role in keeping them safe.

[NarcKiddo]

The thing is, San, that it seems to me you HAVE kept all the little Sans safe. They might have been tightly swaddled and in a safe nursery because you were having to deal with other things, but they were safe. To me it seems a bit like baby birds. The mama bird has to go and get food for them and they are alone in the nest during that time so they stay quiet. When she comes back with the food they start peeping like mad, partly because they want the food but also because they know they are safe to do that when she's around. Your littles might not have full trust yet but they know you are there and trust you to be safe enough or they would be staying quiet.

I totally get how daunting it feels because I have felt that too. But you have already met the challenge and there is no reason at all why you will not keep on meeting it as they feel able to share more with you.

 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, I love what you shared here. SanMagic7, I second NK's point of view. Our systems do balance, do manage. You have deep inner wisdom inside that has done what was safest at each and every step. Safety looks different as we grow and develop. Trust yourself.