the next step

[SenseOrgan]

i think this is the best i've felt in several decades

YES, YES ((((((((((  YES!  )))))))))) 
I'm so happy for you San! I'm delighted to hear you're taking your power back and you're feeling so much better. 

I'm just curious... Would your ex having a little spinach stuck between his teeth while he's tantruming further tip the balance in your favor? 

Much love

[sanmagic7]

SO, you made me laugh out loud!  unfortunately, he doesn't eat spinach, so i couldn't even come close to making that a 'look' for him.  he's so little, tho, that i could ping him w/ my forefinger and thumb and he'd go flying.  thank you so for your support! 

not feeling good today - don't know if i've overdone it or what, but it's a rest day for me.

[Blueberry]

  

Rest day for me too, tho I have to get up again soon and run an errand.

[HannahOne]

Me three, rest day! 

Yes to spinach in the ex's teeth! LOL

[sanmagic7]

so happy for your rest day, blueberry.  too bad you have to break it up w/ an errand, but hope you enjoy all of it anyway.  thanks for your support.

hannah1, i hope you enjoy your rest day - you've certainly earned it.  thank you for being here.

feeling better today.  i was in a lot of pain from one of my 'gas attacks' that seem to shred the insides of my body after several hours of pain that keeps me sitting very still until it finally fades away.  still not sure what causes it, but i did feel off earlier in the day, had problems driving - kept dissociating - and felt agitated while i ate, which i'm beginning to recognize brings on this pain.

yesterday it was still there, but instead of trying to 'rest' it away, i decided to confront it.  i'd talked before about this being one of my bricks, and since this pain is located near my heart, i'm thinking it's related to relationships of the heart as well.  so, i pushed back, imagined my ex, and forced myself to get angry.  feel the pain of his betrayal.  also did some Flash technique w/ my newfound 'grandma', and she helped - she said she didn't like him, that he was a bad man, while in real life my M loved him, thought the world of him, and i can remember once thinking - yeah, but you don't really know what he's like at home!  so, 'grandma' saw thru him - he was very, very good at projecting that kind of person that mothers love - and that was comforting.

leaning into the pain instead of simply enduring or frantically trying to relieve it was very different, but i reminded myself that i need to get into this pain or it's going to continue getting into me.  so by putting it in a place that made sense - such as the marriage w/ my ex - it helped relieve the pain that no amount of xanax has.  tough road, but it's gotta be done for my own health and well-being.  feeling that pain every week or so has been so disheartening, takes me to dark places again and again, saps my strength, energy, and spirit.

i don't know yet what the agitation was from earlier in the day, but it's something for me to watch for in the future.  maybe there's a connection there, i'm sure there is, but maybe i can discover/realize what the connection might be about, rather than generic 'anxiety'.  the hunt goes on.