Marcine’s journaling forward

[sanmagic7]

i love the phrase 'morally upstanding social menace' - it resonates in my soul.  be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love - i love those ideas, and your phrase actuated them from somewhere inside.  thanks for writing this, marcine, and glad you're here.  you've taken some huge first steps.  sending love and hugs (if that's ok)

[Desert Flower]

Hi Marcine, I think it's great you're starting to see you don't have to go along with what is 'socially acceptable' or trying to fit in no matter what, if it doesn't feel great (to put it mildly). I'm trying to learn this myself, having a hard time at it. It's like what Pete Walker wrote: learning to feel that 'dissaproval is okay with me', that is, we don't need the approval of people who are not good for us. Keep it up! Cheering for you.

[Marcine]

SO, yes to sovereignty. And I apologize that the post was triggering, I did not think to include a warning. Noted for next time... The societal madness you alude to is pervasive.

San, yeah that phrase sprang into mind one morning as I was in between sleep and awake state. I get the darndest ideas cropping up around 5am.
"be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love"— that inspires me too! Thank you!

Yes, Desert Flower, thank you for reminding me of that section of Walker's book. Spot on.

I appreciate your support, friends

[SenseOrgan]

No need to apologize Marcine! For me it's really perfectly OK to write what you did without a TW. Even more so because this is your journal. 

[Marcine]

It is easy for me to discount my own successes.

To bypass them completely.

Fight the good fight, gain some ground and immediately onto the next righteous battle.

I am a strong warrior.
And I am a weak celebrator of progress made.
I was trained that way. The cult I was born into only rewarded sacrifice of self. Never being enough.

I won't label it a "family".
I call it what it was— a cult that demanded complete annihilation of autonomy in exchange for survival.

"No one out there understands you like we do. If you leave, you'll be coming back on your knees begging. We love you."

I hid my true self in a bunker I made. I had to.
They didn't know me (I didn't know me), how could that be love?

Oh...the contract terms of the cult were:
love was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.

Honesty was punished. Questioning was taboo. Rewarded: performing their script convincingly to the outside world.

And they did not stop me. I got free. With wounds and scars. Many scars. I'm not dead yet. More alive than ever.

Now I can pause my battling. I can take stock of the ground gained. And mark the milestones reached. And grieve that constant fight for survival.

Infinitely grateful to be here alive.

[Hope67]

Hi Marcine,
I relate so much to things you wrote, and naming the 'family' as 'cult' - wow, I relate to that very much - that is something I have considered as well.

I am so glad that you've 'got free' and also that you're 'more alive than ever' - I am cheering you, if that is ok 

Also sending you a hug of support 

[Desert Flower]

Very good for you you got away Marcine. And saved yourself. Bravo!

love was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.

And none of this was love, you knew that already but I just wanted to say it again.

Wishing you all the true and real LOVE in the world.

 

[SenseOrgan]

Few words come up, but tears do. It resonates. This comes from a deep place. Without knowing the details of your journey, I deeply respect, honor and appreciate you being here.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, marcine, what a messed up idea of love we got.  i can also add love was staying, absorbing, enduring all the crapola that was sent my way until i broke in new and different ways.  i hear you.  it's been so messed up. as DF said, none of that was love. and thank the stars we are learning differently, acting and saying differently, or at least beginning to do so.  we'll get there. infinitely grateful you're here, too.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Love and hugs right back to you, friends 

[Chart]

Hey Marcine, your story makes me think... mine was reciprocal love... "I'll do x for you but then you'll do y for me..." Every "service" had a price. 57 years later I finally identified much of the same functioning within myself and the relationships I'd established around me... the recognition was hard. This realization of a programing-pattern moved me rapidly to pure nausea. I woke up to a toxic tradition I carried with a scream. And I'm deeply proud to say I stopped doing it in the instant it was identified (or almost).

Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
 

[TheBigBlue]

What you wrote feels very honest about the cost of getting free, not just the triumph. I appreciate that a lot.

I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.

I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.