Marcine’s journaling forward

[sanmagic7]

i love the phrase 'morally upstanding social menace' - it resonates in my soul.  be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love - i love those ideas, and your phrase actuated them from somewhere inside.  thanks for writing this, marcine, and glad you're here.  you've taken some huge first steps.  sending love and hugs (if that's ok)

[Desert Flower]

Hi Marcine, I think it's great you're starting to see you don't have to go along with what is 'socially acceptable' or trying to fit in no matter what, if it doesn't feel great (to put it mildly). I'm trying to learn this myself, having a hard time at it. It's like what Pete Walker wrote: learning to feel that 'dissaproval is okay with me', that is, we don't need the approval of people who are not good for us. Keep it up! Cheering for you.

[Marcine]

SO, yes to sovereignty. And I apologize that the post was triggering, I did not think to include a warning. Noted for next time... The societal madness you alude to is pervasive.

San, yeah that phrase sprang into mind one morning as I was in between sleep and awake state. I get the darndest ideas cropping up around 5am.
"be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love"— that inspires me too! Thank you!

Yes, Desert Flower, thank you for reminding me of that section of Walker's book. Spot on.

I appreciate your support, friends

[SenseOrgan]

No need to apologize Marcine! For me it's really perfectly OK to write what you did without a TW. Even more so because this is your journal. 

[Marcine]

It is easy for me to discount my own successes.

To bypass them completely.

Fight the good fight, gain some ground and immediately onto the next righteous battle.

I am a strong warrior.
And I am a weak celebrator of progress made.
I was trained that way. The cult I was born into only rewarded sacrifice of self. Never being enough.

I won't label it a "family".
I call it what it was— a cult that demanded complete annihilation of autonomy in exchange for survival.

"No one out there understands you like we do. If you leave, you'll be coming back on your knees begging. We love you."

I hid my true self in a bunker I made. I had to.
They didn't know me (I didn't know me), how could that be love?

Oh...the contract terms of the cult were:
love was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.

Honesty was punished. Questioning was taboo. Rewarded: performing their script convincingly to the outside world.

And they did not stop me. I got free. With wounds and scars. Many scars. I'm not dead yet. More alive than ever.

Now I can pause my battling. I can take stock of the ground gained. And mark the milestones reached. And grieve that constant fight for survival.

Infinitely grateful to be here alive.

[Hope67]

Hi Marcine,
I relate so much to things you wrote, and naming the 'family' as 'cult' - wow, I relate to that very much - that is something I have considered as well.

I am so glad that you've 'got free' and also that you're 'more alive than ever' - I am cheering you, if that is ok 

Also sending you a hug of support 

[Desert Flower]

Very good for you you got away Marcine. And saved yourself. Bravo!

love was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.

And none of this was love, you knew that already but I just wanted to say it again.

Wishing you all the true and real LOVE in the world.