agoraphobia and identity dysphoria

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I rarely leave the house at all these days, because I feel so uneasy around strangers and I suspect my entire neighbourhood (or most of it anyway) is ridiculing me for displaying traits I find embarrassing and do not want to have (which causes me significant distress). Every time I make friends with someone on the internet I get a bit anxious that their responses are preying on me, because of negative experiences. one or two incidents often leave me shaken for days if not weeks.

For example, today I pressed to get off the bus, but it missed the stop (the stop right next to my house, where I would normally get off) I had to press again and it stopped at the next stop, I had to walk a bit more. I was so hurt by that. I am 100% sure the first time I tried, the sign flashed and I heard a ding. I could just be taking things too personally, but if it is true that the driver recognises me and is passive aggressively making fun of me I am so upset. I swear that almost everyone in my neighbourhood seems to know who I am and they make fun of me or comment on me exhibiting traits I hate ("scary mary", weird suspicious letters in post or internet search history, that time someone knocked on my door claiming that Japanese knotweed was growing in my garden when it wasn't, screaming at me every time they see me, being hit on).

I feel overwhelming psychological pain whenever I appear impatient, impulsive, emotionally expressive, dramatic, or too naive, closed-minded, or formal. Or whenever I get misgendered. On the other hand, I strongly idolise abstraction, detachment, and thinness (hence I have an eating disorder), so I feel great euphoria from being skinny, absent-minded, apathetic and (relatively) unemotional. I don't know the ultimate root cause, but past experiences made certain traits deeply ingrained into my identity, so that any deviations didn't just feel annoying or embarrassing but completely unbearable.