TV's Repair Journal

[TheBigBlue]

I really relate to what you wrote. That mix of clarity and grief, knowing in your bones why you can't go back, while still feeling the pull of empathy and fear, is so familiar to me. You sound incredibly grounded in your truth, even as the scared child part is hurting, and that's not nothing.

I don't have advice, and you honestly sound further along in the journey than I am. I just wanted to say I see the strength it takes to hold both compassion and boundaries at the same time. And I'm really glad you have that day off to rest and tend to yourself.

I also feel how hard it is to have therapy spaced so far out, especially around the holidays. I feel very lucky to have frequent sessions right now, and I'm not sure how I would manage otherwise, especially with this being only my second Christmas alone in 57 years.

You're being very brave, even when you're scared. I'm really glad you shared this, thanks.

[Chart]

 

[lowbudgetTV]

Thank you Big Blue and Chart. I continue to feel like I'm responding well. I did as I said and reread my list of grievances and I know it's unforgivable and I mustn't give in to empathy for the safety of that child who was neglected.

I think if anything, its helpful, because I've been wanting to write this essay about a thing I've noticed in the world, and my poor sorry parents support it. They need more community. To have failed so much that me ignoring them for, oh, its been like four months now? Is hurting them... Well, I had said to her, you need others now! Live your life! You don't need me. I didn't really need you at all in my youth, after all.

But, now, they have no friends or joys because they were hateful and poor planners. My mother is letting my poor father suffer because of excuse after excuse and I have nothing left to help them. I am too chronically ill to have time for them AND me, so I have chosen me.

It is sad, but it was what they did to themselves. They both bullied me. I shall honor the humanity and softness of my father by following in his positive traits. I have nothing to say of my mother.

I slept in because of how my pills help me relax. Very helpful, haven't had to take them in a while, but they still stop me from panicking (even though I was hardly close to doing so) and give me a good deserved sleep. But, I must go exercise now. Tonight I'm making tofu and I'm going to prepare for friends visiting us for a early holiday dinner!

[lowbudgetTV]

Hello again my journal and friends. Today, I feel sad. I think its good to feel sad, because when I'm low, I know that I am reaching a breaking point and I suddenly know what to do next. Being sad seems to be the only feeling that guides me.

I talked to my Therapist on Monday. It was helpful to talk to another person about the occurance of last month. I am no longer bothered by that. I have shredded the letter and made peace with how things are.

But now, I feel other things. I am overwhelmed by not knowing who I am. I am lonely being too scared to interact with others. I am still too passive and shy at my fairly-new job, which I begin to accept as a mere stepping stone to the next opportunity and a way to save a lot of money by doing not-that-hard work. I don't really fit in here. It's not a job that fits me, although I do need it to learn some things.

I am so scared of the future, but it always seems to work out. I think my hypervigilance just manifests what I need. I needed a job to move away and be safer, and I got it easily. Well, I do know from my good, previous job that easy isn't always good. This place is run so much different than the last, and on top of being a PTSD-ridden sensitive young person, I am unable to fastily assimilate. Each time I am told I am doing good, I am hurt by the critisms, mostly because I'm just not feeling it. 

I think back to my childhood. I hate how I was treated so randomly. I was an angel and I was the devil. I was perfect, but yet everything was wrong. I see how it affects me to my core now. I want to continue to sit in my discomfort to learn.

But, I also know that I have settled for something "beneath me". I am scared of striving for what I love because it is a hard career path that I'll likely have to carve myself. I like working with others, and part of the reason my current job is so draining is that I am alone and yet expected to be a leader, but I am so isolated and can only do so much. I want to be a Graphic Designer. I want to make beautiful things and help others make beautiful things. I want to be given tasks and creatively execute them and get feedback and learn.

I feel like, though, I should be happy. I have a good job that pays well and has benefits and time for me to strive for other things. Yet, somehow, I am greedy, and I want more. Maybe it's because I don't have a private office. Maybe I'm experiencing autistic (or PTSD) burnout. I don't know what I really want. I know that I am sad. I know that I feel strongly.

I really ought to do something I want to but am scared of that really doesn't mean anything at all. I want to join a forum for fun things and just talk to others. I want to play games with random strangers and see what happens. I want my brain to stop constantly being on.

I applied to a master's program recently. I think depending on if I get into that, it'll tell me what I do next. I'd love to help my partner find a new job too, since theirs super sucks and I'm essentially holding us together. I want to do good by the world. I want to follow my values.

I guess I really want to be free and work hard for my pay, now.

[TheBigBlue]

This really resonates with me, especially the sadness as a kind of compass, and the disorientation of not knowing who you are yet while still knowing that something needs to change. The tension between being "grateful" and still wanting more makes a lot of sense to me; it doesn't read as greed. It reads like a self that may be waking up and wanting room to breathe.

The longing for play stood out too. I've always loved play - I'm in my mid-50s, my office is stuffed with toys (mostly mind-teasing ones), and we play Catan almost every Friday with some of my work colleagues. In that same spirit, two weeks ago I started wheelchair table tennis - the first sport I've done in about 30 years. It was scary at first to start something new, but now I really like it. No big meaning attached, just movement and presence. It reminded me that play doesn't have to solve anything deep to matter.

Thank you for writing this so honestly. It feels like someone standing at the edge of something new - even if it's still scary and unclear.


(If that's ok)

[lowbudgetTV]

Its very okay BigBlue. Thank you for completely understanding how I feel right now.

I feel like it's also some other things compounding and making me feel so bad (I shall discuss with my doctor!) I know I can solve this, but I am also so overwhelmed with what I need to do. I did finally join another forum after I wrote this and they immediately accepted me. I want to make a goal to write a post a day there to build community and new friends. I am too dependent on my partner to go out and interact. They're much better at it than I.

There's so much to do, but I shall do it. I solve things as they come.

[Chart]

 

[NarcKiddo]

There's so much to do, but I shall do it. I solve things as they come.

Good for you.