TV's Repair Journal

[TheBigBlue]

I really relate to what you wrote. That mix of clarity and grief, knowing in your bones why you can't go back, while still feeling the pull of empathy and fear, is so familiar to me. You sound incredibly grounded in your truth, even as the scared child part is hurting, and that's not nothing.

I don't have advice, and you honestly sound further along in the journey than I am. I just wanted to say I see the strength it takes to hold both compassion and boundaries at the same time. And I'm really glad you have that day off to rest and tend to yourself.

I also feel how hard it is to have therapy spaced so far out, especially around the holidays. I feel very lucky to have frequent sessions right now, and I'm not sure how I would manage otherwise, especially with this being only my second Christmas alone in 57 years.

You're being very brave, even when you're scared. I'm really glad you shared this, thanks.

[Chart]

 

[lowbudgetTV]

Thank you Big Blue and Chart. I continue to feel like I'm responding well. I did as I said and reread my list of grievances and I know it's unforgivable and I mustn't give in to empathy for the safety of that child who was neglected.

I think if anything, its helpful, because I've been wanting to write this essay about a thing I've noticed in the world, and my poor sorry parents support it. They need more community. To have failed so much that me ignoring them for, oh, its been like four months now? Is hurting them... Well, I had said to her, you need others now! Live your life! You don't need me. I didn't really need you at all in my youth, after all.

But, now, they have no friends or joys because they were hateful and poor planners. My mother is letting my poor father suffer because of excuse after excuse and I have nothing left to help them. I am too chronically ill to have time for them AND me, so I have chosen me.

It is sad, but it was what they did to themselves. They both bullied me. I shall honor the humanity and softness of my father by following in his positive traits. I have nothing to say of my mother.

I slept in because of how my pills help me relax. Very helpful, haven't had to take them in a while, but they still stop me from panicking (even though I was hardly close to doing so) and give me a good deserved sleep. But, I must go exercise now. Tonight I'm making tofu and I'm going to prepare for friends visiting us for a early holiday dinner!