I feel like I'm at the end of a long 11 year healing journey

[Healing Finally]

HI all 

11 years ago, my (U)NPD sister booted me out of my immediate family and everyone went along with it.  This was due to my blowing up (CPTSD reaction after witnessing her selfish behavior) in an email to her now ex-husband who shared it with her because he was trying to keep her in his life.

I found the Out of the Fog website which helped me greatly to understand how to deal with family who have personality disorders (and the flying monkeys.)

I then found you all, Out of the Storm, because I realized I have CPTSD, big time.

I have come so far since then, and I am so grateful for OOTF and OOTS!! 

I think the biggest thing I have learned is, I no longer need anyone's approval.   

I have spent a great deal of my time seeking people's approval and any type of acknowledgement I could get to feel better about myself.  I later understood this was a trauma response due to my being scapegoated by my family, and severly bullied in school (I have ADHD.)

What's happening today is my 93 year old mother has been taken to the hospital with severe health issues.  Even though I have been my mother's primary support person, my (U)NPD sister says she has to take charge because I'm too difficult to deal with (this was after a few email exchanges.)

My mom has been living in assisted living, which I moved her into a few years ago after living with her for two years (my sister did not help with the move of course.)  I moved out of town after moving my mom, and for the past few years I have continued to be very much in her life.  I've been zooming with her twice a week and helping her to keep a to do list that we share via email (where my (U)NPD sister visits her once a week and doesn't take her out or do errands like help her to get a new bra.)  Seeing that my mother's health was going down, this year I took her on a two week vacation, and to our family reunion (which my sister did not go to.)

The other big thing I've learned is how to recognize my trauma responses and know that they are a reaction; an old reaction to dysfunction.  I still have them, but I am doing so much better with not giving them too much credit.

Before all I could do was ruminate about how wrong it all was, and it truly took it's toll on me, feeling the victim. 

Now I can see I can let go of the victim role, and no longer give my (U)NPD sister any power.  It doesn't matter how bad it was, or how bad it is; because if I'm healing and moving on, I can let it all go; leave it all behind me.

I know that my being the family scapegoat will end when my mother dies.  She is the one that keeps me there due to her fears of standing up to my sister.

Now I have to let my (U)NPD sister take charge, and let it all go.

Thank you all for being there